I am extremely controlling and it's ruining our relationship. He told me I am much too controlling. When I looked into what a controlling person is like it fit me exatly. I really do not want to be like this. I realize I am acting like an idiot and I want to Chang this really bad. How can I become not controlling? I'd even like if he was more in control than me or like an equal say. I hate being like this. It will get me nowhere if I continue to be like this. Help?
Hi there and welcome. Why do you think you are diong this? Are you insecure? Are you just adament that you know best? A counselor could help you explore the why to the behavior which may help you address it. Then you just have to turn over the control. Picture him as your boss . . . would you tell your boss what to do? no, you would let them lead. So, begin giving him control over things you don't care about. Do it more and more and then begin asking him how he feels about something and what he would like. Stop your mind, quiet it and listen.
I think it is because of insecurities. I don't feel like I am right that much. Sometimes I fail to even recognize that I am being controlling. I feel like if things aren't done a certain way, they won't work. Is it possible for me to stop being like this? I really hate it.
"I feel like if things aren't done a certain way, they won't work."
I'm sure, to answer your last question, you can stop being like that. If you think it stems from insecurities, working on feeling more self-secure is a good direction to begin. A good counselor or therapist can be a big help there. Also the statement above sounds a little like someone who had not so much control in a chaotic upbringing. If that describes you, talk to the counselor about that as well. I think there are ways to help with the scars early chaos leaves. Finally the statement above makes me think a little of some of the ways people with OCD talk. If you think there is a touch of that going on, be sure to mention it to your counselor, because there are probably many known approaches to loosen the grip of OCD.
Recognizing you have the issue is a great first step. Even if it had to come in an argument with a boyfriend. If you begin to work on it, you'll find that all sorts of building blocks shift and fall into a more constructive place for you. Please do see someone, you'll be amazed.
I really think that you need to get a good therapist, but for the meantime, make an apology, tell him you're willing to change, and stop yourself from over thinking the little things. Live and let live, allow him to be present, and not have hide his every move from you. Let him know you're committed to change, and that you love him so much, and you're sorry. Once you admit to the things that you're **** that are unfair, and bring it out in the open, it's unlikely to happen as much. Have faith that you'll be able to straighten this out. So many are too stubborn to change, and it really sounds like you have everything going for you, now that you are opening up. You've made the first move of many. There's lots of reading on control issues, and OCD, but make sure you don't leave out the counseling, it will help to keep your commitments to yourself. Good luck with it all. Let us know how it all works out, be proud of the little things you do to change, they all add up to your best life. God Bless you both.
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