Controlling Boyfriend, I need help!

HI, I need some help. Okay I have been dating this guy for the past year. We was really good friends for months before we started to date.  We started living together shortly after my 18th birthday. Everything seemed fine then.  About seven months into the relationship he started to tell me I couldn’t go out to eat with my friends, I couldn’t call or talk to my friends, and finally it turned into no one. If I wanted to I couldn’t do it without telling him before hand and even he had to go with us. I couldn’t even call my parents anymore. He check my by bank accounts, my phone call history and text messaging history, and would watch and read all my AIM message I had with my mother. I don’t know how to break him of this and set him straight and in his place. If anyone has any comments please help I love him and I want to stay with him I just need to end this. Please Help.

[Avas Mom]

You love him...but you dont want to be in a controlling relationship? Id get out if i were you. My dad controlled my mom ever since i can remember..he use to call her a million times a day after she left him and even send his co-workers past her apt to see if she was there and then eventually he would show up at her place and start physical fights...I think if someone is controlling they most likely will always be that way.

[slow_healer]

ashleyjane, I hope someone has more encouraging advice for you than this. You can't change a person. Try talking to him and see if he changes, but if he doesn't - LEAVE, because your relationship is not going to change. Controlling men are insecure and do these things to make sure you never leave. His behavior is NOT normal, nor is your relationship with him. He might care about you, but you can NOT change him.

I say this because I've seen this before - girls who try to change their controlling boyfriends. Girls who stop talking to their friends and family and eventually believe that they can never leave because they've become so isolated. Girls, like you, who are young and have their whole life ahead of them. Girls who deserve to have friends, family visit from time to time, and a life of their own.

Talk to your parents HONESTLY. You might find that they are very concerned about your relationship.

[AHP84]

You can't change a person, plain and simple. Believe me, you'll never "break him of this and set him straight and in his place" by just being with him and expecting him to take you seriously about being upset over the fact that he's being abusively controlling.

My suggestion is to get out as soon as you can and find a new living arrangement without him. Probably back with your parents. That's how you can start to break his control.

If you love him and want to stay with him, then you don't need to break up with him (although I'd recommend you break all ties with him and get out of that relationship; chances are it will not change). Just get away from him and limit, or eliminate, your physical and verbal contact with him for a while.

But really, you need to reconsider this relationship. You're 18 and have alot of life ahead of you that has great potential, and he's trying to take your social and interactive life away which is a form of abuse. The longer you wait to get out of this relationship, the more difficult (and possibly dangerous) it's going to become.

[RockRose]

This isn't how you pick a guy.  You don't find one,  and when he turns out to be a bad match,  change him.

You find one that is a good match,  who has the qualities that you want.

This guy is a loser,  and the longer you're with him the more danger you'll be in,  until years from now you'll be someone we read about who was shot at her workplace by her estranged husband.

Get out,  stay on your own and develop yourself,  and in a couple years seriously look for a guy you care for,  who isn't a "fixer-upper".

[Lewis2323]

Okay just like i told my best friend who has a controlling boyfriend with a little humor but on a serious note get out of that relationship before you end up on The Lifetime Movie Network. No man is worth your friends and most of all your family. If you let him control you he will. You have to put your foot down and realize that you are your own person. You shouldnt have to answer to no one but yourself especially if you arent married and its a relationship. Either you get out of that relationship cause it doesnt sound healthy or (God bless you) and i wouldnt wish this on anyone but end up beat up, hurt, or even dead! If you love and cherish your life save it. Save yourself!

[morrison08]

MY BEST ADVICE IS TO GET OUT OF THE REALTIONSHIP NOW WHILE U STILL CAN CUZ IT CAN GET WORSE AND U COULD BE HURT REALLY BAD OR EVEN DEAD U DONT NEED THAT I BEEN THERE ITS NOT WORTH IT U MAY LOVE HIM BUT AT THE END HE JUS WANTS TO USE U AS HIS PUPPET AND REMAIN UNDER HIS CONTROL AND BOSS U AROUND U REALLY DNT NEED THAT IN UR LIFE TRUST ME

[ashleyjane3]

I want to thank you all. I just don’t know what to do. Some days I feel like leaving and other days I don’t because he makes me happy and he treats me right but he has his moment.  I want to try and make things better but I really don’t know if he will do what is right. I wish I had the will power and the strength to just leave him and know I will find someone better.  I am scared I really won’t.

[have 2 kids]

You are young but it is time to grow up!   He is not going to change.  I guess if monitoring everything you do makes you happy stay with him.  Give up your family and friends.   In a few years we will then be reading about you in the papers.  Beaten or Dead.  

[slow_healer]

"I want to try and make things better but I really don’t know if he will do what is right."

That's because you can't change a person. You alone cannot make the situation better - why? Because relationships take two person - two people respecting, trusting, and supporting one another. In your relationship, only you are doing any of those things. It's a very one-sided situation. It's a pattern with men like this. They start out nice, but slowly become more and more controlling. It's probably going to keep escalating. He is with you because he CAN control and bully you. If he hurts your feelings, he KNOWS all has to do is say one nice thing to make up for it. To what extent are you willing to forgive him over and over again? Is nothing more important than this man?

[AHP84]

If you leave him, trust me, you'll find someone better if you set your standards higher. Right now you're just insecure about not having intimate male companionship in your life because his abusive, controling behavior has made you believe that "no one will ever love you like he does, even if he does have his downfalls--nobody's perfect."
I've been there. My ex had a controling personality (although nowhere near as bad as your boyfriend) that was enough to make my emotional and social life miserable 90% of the time. A close friend told me to make a list of all the qualities that I *really* want in a man to meet my emotional and physical wants, needs, and expectations. I made the list, and my ex barely qualified for me, but I stayed with him for another year.
I finally got fed up and woke up to reality when our son got involved in an argument my ex started, and my little boy was concerned and worried, and his father actually punished him for not leaving the room so he could continue to yell at me! That was it for me. I kicked him out and have no desire to this day to take him back, even with all the begging and pleading and manipulating he's done.
And, after I got rid of him, I'd never felt so liberated, secure, and happy with myself. I accepted being single and that I would wait for a good man and keep my standards as high as the list of 27 "requirements" I made, and I'd settle for nothing less. By accepting that, I was content and secure and in no hurry to find the first available nice guy I came across. I wanted to pursue a couple of guys, but I also wanted them to be more of the pursuer of me than me of them.
Last month, I started dating the absolutely most wonderful guy in the world, and he was completely unexpected! He's the guy I thought I'd never find, the guy I thought did not exist for me because my expectations were probably too high. Well, you know what? I pulled out that list I made two weeks after dating him, and he meets 26 of my 27 "requirements."
So don't be scared you won't find someone better. You will. I did. And I didn't even wait long for him to land in my life.
So really, do yourself a HUGE favor and get out of this abusive relationship immediately. Trust me, you won't regret it, especially once you experience someone who treats you right ALL the time!

[ashleyjane3]

I really like the idea of making a list of what I really want in a man.  I will defiantly have to try that one out.  Something else I think about is we have stuff together. We pay a loan together for brand new HD TV and a brand new bedroom set. Which It is in his name, but I feel like I should help because he only got that loan thinking I would be around to help out. I keep meeting guys when my boyfriend and I are not together. Which is only when I am on my lunch break.  They all seem nice and we talk about hanging out but when it comes down to doing it I can’t.  I can’t even talk to them without feeling guilty.  Most of them I just want to be friends but I couldn’t tell him hey I met a guy friend. He would be all worried and be all mad. Last night I wanted to go out to eat and he goes “why? Make something at home, oh okay” it’s not only what he says it’s how he says it. I have told him that a million times also.

[AHP84]

Is your name in writing anywhere on those loans, or is there a written contract between you and him for you to pay part of them? If not, then don't worry about backing out of them; you have no legal obligation to pay them, and he can't pursue anything legally to make you pay.
He can sell the stuff and pay off the loans or keep it all, whatever he likes. He wants control, let him have it.

[slow_healer]

Stuff is JUST stuff - it's just details. It's not worth it to stay in a relationship for a TV.

[raindelay]

Bolt now or bolt later.  It's much easier now when you aren't married, have 3 kids, and find that you have no marketable skills since he wouldn't let you go to school or get a good job.  Leaving him may be the best thing you can do for him and yourself also.  Don't think for a minute you're going to "change" him because you'll spend years of your life on a fools errand.  He's only going to change when he decides he must.  

You'll find a good guy down the road and look back and thank your lucky stars that you moved on and found that Mr. Right.

[Soror]

Ugh - get out of this relationship as quickly as possible...if he's doing this now, imagine him twenty years down the road.  Seriously, does he think that women are property, or just that they belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen (as the old cliche goes)?

Don't put it off.  Put on your big girl panties and tell this guy where to go.

[becks715]

Everyone is right.  Please get out before it escalates to something worse which is highly likely when you enter a relationship and it's controlling.

Listen to me - I get it, you love him, you want to make it work, you know why?  Because you have already invested so much time and energy - because break ups suck no matter how much you needed to get out.  But you DO need to get out.

I get so frustrated when I hear women talk like you - you are your own person, you deserve happiness that is NOT CONDITIONAL on how he feels that day.  Please, you are young there are good men in the world and even if you think you wil never find someone else - you will - that's your mind playing games and you trying to convince yourself on why you should stay.  DON'T STAY.  He is not worth it, even on his "good days"

What will it take for you to leave?  Does he need to hit you?  If he did would you leave after one time?  Or would you give him another chance because it happened "only once"  what he is doing is emotional abuse - it is no different from him physically hitting you, abuse is abuse.  Please get out.

[john3200]

Ashley, which scenario do you find more appealling?

Today i went shopping with my mom at the mall. A couple of hours later my boyfriend picked me up and we saw a movie, he's so sweet. After that he dropped me off at a friends house, he told me to have fun and i said i'd talk to him later.

OR

Today i wanted to call my mom, but i didn't want to anger my boyfriend. Later we went to the mall and my friend Derek approached me. My boyfriends anger was apparent. When we got in the car he was extremly pissed off because i spoke to another guy. That night i received a text inviting me to a party, however; my boyfriend read before i did while checking my messages and calling history. He told me i wasn't allowed to go so i did what he said and stayed at home. (sound familiar).

Ashley, you use the word "couldn't" alot in your thread. Couldn't is defined as; to not have the right. If you honestly believe that you don't have the right to do what you want you might as well start calling your boyfriend master. This immature boy views you as an object, not his girlfriend. He owns you, and refuses to share..he's a selfish, inconsiderate, emotionally abusive, controlling *******. He  gets away with it and continues to increase his grip on what use to be your life. I urge you to end this today, not tomorrow, today. the longer you wait the harder it will become to escape from his grasp..these types of relationships are not healthy and often lead to physical abuse, he may not be physically abusing you (now). however; he is causing emotional scars, and they stay with you forever. you may threaten to leave him, and he'll say"baby i'll change, or "i'm sorry, i'll get help"bs(people do not change) i promise you he will always revert back to this unacceptable behavior. your 18, don't you want to act like it. stop being some *******'s door mat and have some self respect. he may say he "loves you",but why don't you take a look at what your thread says, and reconsider his definition of love. i'll tell you what he loves, he loves having you under his thumb, obeying his every command, wake the f*ck up! he will be like this his entire life, and steadily get worse...telling you what you can and cannot wear/getting angry if you're not at home on time/becoming violent if the house isn't clean enough. I have a feeling your not going to take any of this advice and i'm wasting my time. listen to me very carefully..HE WILL NEVER CHANGE, THIS IS WHO HE IS. YOU LOVE A GUY THAT CONTROLS EVERYTHING YOU DO, LIKE YOUR HIS DOG. well if you have any sense you'll break up with him and when you do say to yourself "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, I am free at last!"  let me remind you that you only live once, do you really want this jerkoff telling you how to live it. :(

p.s. watch Madea's "Family Reunion" you'll learn something about your future.

[jar4dd]

Please leave. At least for all of us that don't have the courage to. I wish I could say that I was in the same situation and I left, and things got better but I'd be lying. It started with how I couldn't wear certain clothes or talk to certain people. Now I have to ask if I can go to the gas station. He says it's just that it isn't safe for me to go places by myself but I don't know how true that is. He just never wants me to leave the house. I'm still in that situation but now that controlling behavior has rubbed off on me. Now I get defensive if HE wants to go out and hang out with his friends or has a girl that's a friend. Don't let that happen. Don't EVER let him change you. Also, the bit about stuff, I understand what you mean. It's really difficult when most of your stuff is "ours". It's really inconvenient to split it up but the faster you do it, the faster it will be over. I tell myself all the time that I love him, he loves me and things will get better but they just AREN'T getting better. It's been over 3 years and I'm pretty sure they never will. I just don't have enough confidence to leave yet. I hope I do before it's too late. Again, please leave. Leave for all of us that are hurting so bad.

[Crystlas]

Darlin, he will get worse.  My ex-husband was like that when we moved in together.  He became very abusive after we got married and I was badly injured because of him.  I almost got killed.  Please, Please google domestic violence and read the warning signs.  Your boyfriend displays them to a tee, when I read about what he is doing.  Please think about leaving him.  Life is not worth being abused.  As for all of your stuff, it is just stuff.  Your life is much more valuable.  Please listen and take my warning.  Best wishes, Kristen, BSW

[Sparklyb]

It will only get worse ..controlling peeps are close neighbour with abusive peeps..they can become abusive..get out now if you want to..don't wait..the longer you wait the harder it gets,trust me!!

[butterflyflip]

Hey,  I know where you are coming from because I've been there.  I agree, you may as well save yourself some heartache and get gone.  My first husband was just exactly what you have described.  The next thing I knew, I had no family, friends, or life.  I was pregnant and had to try to make it work.  Once I had my (MY) baby (he was just a sperm doner), he began treating her the same way-I HAD to go.  It's on him and he has the issues, not you-there's nothing wrong with you from what you say.  He's insecure and wants you to be the same and it seems it's working.  It's your friends and family and social contact that make you a stronger person.  When you don't have that, you become weak and dependant on him for everything and that's just where he wants you.  The next thing is you will do something wrong or something will happen and he will hit you.  Then he will come back treating you all nice and stuff and bet me, he'll do it again if he's not doing it already.  You can get over the physical abuse, it's the mental and emotional abuse that last a lifetime and that's what he's doing to you-mind control.
How to break it?  I've been married to my husband for twenty years and we have our problems, but I can tell you, in those twenty years if he forbade me to do something-I WOULD GO DO IT just to show him he had no control over me what so ever.  If he tried to make me do something, no way was I doing it.  Eventually, he stopped doing either and found it better just to go along and let me do what I wanted or not and support me in whatever I decided to do or not do.  You have to remember, men are like pets-they have to be trained.  If you let them get away with it, they will and will keep getting away with it until you say NO, and mean it.  Meaning it is laying down the law and making them stick to it no matter what.  Any relationship is about trust and respect.  If you don't have either on both sides, you don't have a relationship.  It seems he don't trust you and certainly does not respect you (your fault) and you are beginning to feel the same about him.  Good luck!

[aurie13]

the fact that you said you wanted to hang out with some of the guys you talked to on your lunch break should clue you in to your happiness also, you aren't happy or you wouldn't be talking to other guys with thoughs of hanging out with them, you shouldn't cheat, just leave, and everyone that said stuff is just stuff is right, ur not an object, let him find someone else to help him pay for it!

I just got out of an off and on relationship of 6 years with a controlling guy, it only gets worse each time... and he always knows what to say to get to my heart but I can't for me do that anymore... it's not easy but get out then give it some time you'll see you'll feel tons better about yourself and about life!

[teko]

It is a boyfriend. In other words you have not married this guy. The only one that should be in control of you is you and if anyone else is you are allowing it to happen. Take your life back or lose him.

[Richg1000]

Hi  -

My name is Rich Goldman, and I am a Sr. Producer on a new talk show called "The Bill Cunningham Show."  I am touching base because I came across this website.  Next week, I am producing an episode on the topic of controlling mates.  If anyone here is in a relationship with a controlling mate (male or female), and would like to discuss the issues with that person on our show, please call the 855# or e-mail below.  Travel to NYC and meal expenses are covered.

Thank You,

--
Rich Goldman
Sr. Producer
Office: 212-419-7485
Cell: 646-701-3860
Cell: 855-833-7770, ext. 2
Fax: [phone]
Email: ***@****
Address:
NEP Studios
401 7th avenue
2nd floor
New York, New York 10001