Controlling Boyfriend

[Gilly268]

Hey everyone. i have never done anything like this before, but im in the same situation a lot of other girls on here are. and i feel very confused and upset as well. I was about 18 , just got out of a bad relationship with a boy i dated for about a year, when i met this new guy. He was 22 at the time, we had many ups and downs. at first he wasnt serious about he hole dating thing but eventually he came around and changed his ways a bit. he stopped going out to bars as much and wanted to spend every waking minute with me. took me out to dinner all the time, would randomly buy me things and suprise me with stuff, and i was just like wow hes completely changed, but in the back of my mind, i still didnt trust him much.he would always get angry when we drank and be physical with me.either by grabbing me by my arms or my face or getting in my face and yelling at me and at one point he got so mad at me he hit me in my butt so hard i cried. and it was out of anger which makes it not okay! his drinking was always up and down and he would promise he would stop drinking and then would eventually start drinking again after a month. I ended up being at his house EVERY single night and anytime i wanted to stay home to do homework or be with my family, he would go out to bars, and it always felt like he was doing it to make me mad? and to get me upset. i never understood it. Everytime i go out with my friends, which is RARE, i would be questioned about everything i did and he would blow up my phone the entire night. asking me where i was and who i was with. he also started putting down everyone around me. compeltely cussed out my girlfriends telling me he was the only one who cared for me and that there all pieces of ****. He also had these friends who were TERRIBLE. they abuse women and talk about them like there pieces of meat. and say its just cause they have been screwed over, but even his BEST FRIEND would talk about beating me? "joking around" but seriously? but my ex was so amazing sometimes it doesnt make sense to me. He told me he loved me all day everyday and would always tell me how good i looked and hwo much he misses me all the time and how im gonna be his sugar momma one day and we would talk about our future together.He would take me out to dinner and we would have so much fun sitting on his couch watching movies together. marriage was brought up a couple times but i was always like theres no way. but we started fighting over the most stupid things ever. and i could never be right about anything. none of my friends think he is good for me . they say i put him way to high on my priority list and that he is not good to me. but i feel so many mixed emotions i have no idea. ive tried leaving so many times but i miss him so much and the love i have for him is greater then any feeling ive ever had for someone, i cant train my mind to think that he is not good for me. all i see is the good when we break up, and i dont know how to really leave him this time. i need help!!!

[Judy246]

The happy outgoing girl that you are!!! The world is your oyster, so take some time for yourself, focus some of that energy in good things like, school, job and everything else will come along natural. Accept what you will not be able to change, because it out of your control and you deserve to be treated like a Queen, so take some time for you and start planning how you are going to spend your time. I know this is not easy, but life is a journey and we become wiser through these painful experiences...that's part of growing up and maturing, so hang in there, we will help you during the rought times and go get em.......Judy

[Gilly268]

Yeahh im in school already and have an awesome job...and he was kinda holding me back from that cause of all my time he consumed but i hope and prayy i get through this. i know i can do it....thanks for all the advice. my friends and family have been saying the same thing and its just good to hear good things from people....i just gotta build myself back up again and be the happy outgoing girl i used to be....

[Judy246]

Gilly, you start by first accepting what you can't change. You can't change him, but the only person that you can change is yourself. There is absolutely nothin wrong with being by yourself. We all go through it! Take some quite time to just think and start taking care of you, what you like, how you like to be, to look to feel. You deserve to be appreciated, respected, loved and accepted as you are and never settle for less than what you deserve. That is a huge problems with women settling for "fear" of being lonley and never finding someone, etc. You can start by surrounding yourself with good friends and family. Also, you will find the right man when you least expect it. It happens the way it should naturally. In the mean time, start making plans for all this great free time that you know have. Do you know where is a great place to meet guys and get a great education...College. Where else can you better yourself and a place where there are thousands of guys and girls all around the same age! Take classes, also, I have met some really great, good looking, respectful guy's in church functions..YES, church functions and some of them are hotties!  Also, go shopping, get a make over. Ask yourself what it is that you like. It's time for you!!  Life is what you make of it and if you want to continue going out with losers, you will continue to suffer, so time to get your life back on the right path and take some time for you, make a plan and move forward. It will take time, but it will happen.  Judy

[Gilly268]

Heyy yeah im about to be twenty...this all happened over a year and 4 months.....your right though. i already ended it. the hard part is trying not to be lonely. i went from relationship to relationship and now i really have no one....its really hard. but i recognize what kind of guy he is now.....and im never going back. i know i can find someone better....its just gonna take some time. i just dont know how to get over this lonely, heart broken kinda feeling....i always randomly start crying...its terrible =(

[Judy246]

Gilly, this man is a walking time bomb and you know it. You don't know how to let go, which means that you do not have the proper copeing skills to walk away and not look. It will be a matter of time that he will physically abuse you. I always look for the good in a person, but I'm tell you to "run for the hills as fast as you can and don't look back".  Love shouldn't hurt! He is physically and emotionally abusive, controlling, condosending (talks down to you) and he is only your b/f, what would happen if you were married? I'm afraid to ask, but you are also 18 yr. old, so I really don't believe this man is good for you. I believe it is just a matter of time that he will harm you, so it's time for family and friend support and get out of this dysfunctional relationship, before it becomes physically abusive. How do you do it, you call him and tell him that, because of the way he has been treating your, you fear that his abuse behavior is going to escalate and it's best that you go seperate ways.  It's ok to love, but it's a one sided love and it should never be abusive or hurtful. Time to go and not look back!  Judy