Courage to stand up to your grown irresponsible kids

[cyd142]

I have been in a serious relationship for 3 plus years. It has been up and down because of my boyfriends son.He cannot keep a job, did not graduate high school. My boyfriend (father) pays his and his sons fiance' cell phone as well as gave them his suburban and pays this insurance on it. They live in his home and he pays all the bills for their living exspenses. Now the fiance is pregnant because she quit taking her birth control pills as soon as she found out that her soon to be father in law asked me to marry him and was leaving them to fin for them selves. I love him, but my children are the same age as his with college degrees,married living on their own very normaly. I cant take the drama, because he just can't tell them no. Now with a grandchild coming I believe it will be worse. Help ! Am I just in a totally sinking ship.

[ApRiLGeTsAngry77]

Congrats on raising kids that obtained college degrees and have ensured they have a future for themselves. This is my rule of thumb- I have some challenges of my own because I am a single parent and my career is starting to take off. It would not make sense to me to be or remain in a relationship where the person has more challenges than me. He has co denpendent kids. That will not change overnight. That will take years of arguments and drama before his children become self sufficient. It is apparently clear that he has way more challenges than you- so why would you want to stick around. Yes, you may love him but you will likely regret and become hostile about his children.

[Judy246]

You should know if this relationship will or will not work out. Unfortunately, this man as yourself is a package deal. You are very fortunate to have guided your children in the right direction and they have turned out to be productive citizens, but if this early in the relationship you are having problems with his grown kids, this will definately escalate to a very unhappy relationship. Time to re-evaluate this relationship that is seems dysfunctional from the early stages. Good Luck, Judy

[teko]

Unfortunately, that has been the situation with him and his son and your coming into the picture will not change that, not right away by any means. You need to decide if you can live with it, and if not, decide accordingly. If you push the issue, you will be the bad guy. No doubt about it.

[RockRose]

If she weren't pregnant,  tossing them out would be an option.

He can't just ignore his grandchild's welfare.  He can ignore the welfare of his grown son,  but not a tiny infant.  

Who knows what happened prior but your fiance is acting out of guilt and his son comes before his fiance.

I think you need to accept it,  or move on.   I don't see this changing.

[iam1butterfly]

There is such a thing as doing too much... but, that's kind of subjective because your fiance may be of the opinion that he hasn't done enough for his son. For a variety of reasons, many parents feel that way about their kids and become unwitting enablers in the process. Anyway, if you decide to marry him, you'll have to learn to accept the way he parents because I doubt that you would be able to influence a significant a change in how he relates with his son. Only he and his son can change that. And, given the trend that you described, the situation only seems to be getting more complicated.

[jo929]

this is just my opinion, when ones childre are grown, they need to do for themselves if a parent continues to do for them and pay theit bills the parent is making a cripple of them, your BF is making a cripple of both of them, if they can not afford rent they should not be together if they cant afford a child she should have been on birth control i say let them sink or swim this may sound harsh bur they must learn just what life is all about and it is not just to be a taker the son must go to work or he must be told this is his problem not his dads. or yours, i could not deal with it as i taught my children to work, and i would not have bought them a car if i had the money i feel they should have bought their own as i did and they will take better care of it, no i do not belive the dad is doing the right thing, you know it also. but as to whether you should marry this man that will be your decision have you talked with him about him taking care of grown children like this they will continue through life like this unless they learn now that there will be no more handouts he must work and maybe she should work and grow up also they need to learn responsibility i learned at a young age and taught my kids to learn and do i would tell my BF i cant live like this he should take the cell phones he should take the car unless the son holds a job and pays for it but draw the line somwhere no more rent they will learn, just as others have the son sounds lazy and figure good ole dad is there he may not be someday and then what the son is crippled and it is dads fault i wish you the best whatever you decide  sure wish i had a set up like that  not really just kidding i have always enjoyed workingluck  jo

[specialmom]

It is always so difficult when our partner has kids from another relationship.  Your fiance sounds like he is helping these children/adults live less than productive lives.  How to change that?  It is tricky as you don't want an all out family war.  Why does your fiance do it?  Is he willing to change his bad habit with his kids?  Can you come to a reasonable compromise?  Those are things for some serious conversation between you two.  Then you both have to decide what you can and can NOT live with.  Good luck

[penswriter]

that ship is sinking faster than the titanic.

tell him either he tells his son and soon to be daughter in law (gee who paid for the engagement ring? who's paying for their wedding?) that either they get jobs, get their ged or do what they must and get out by such and such a time or they have to find someone else to mooch off of. if he won't...GET OUT FAST!!! otherwise that baby will be dumped off on you and your b/f and those two will...keep doing what they're doing.

my hubby and i are 25 and 24 (i'll be  25 in a few short months). we have our own home, our kids, pets, bills, vehicle, insurance and guess who pays it? we do. he's been out on his own since 18. i was out for a few years while in college and lived with my mom until we got married for 2 years. BUT i helped out around the house, did the grocery shopping, took care of the animals, etc etc etc. his kid and his kids "fiance" need to grow up and realize life isn't a free ride. and if your bf won't do that....you'll be stuck with them.