Here goes the issue: My best friend started dating a man 2 yrs ago, he moved in with her 2mths into the relationship then he disappeared for 2 days soon after. When she spoke to his mom, she said he dropped his things off there and left to binge, saying that my friend was nagging him too much. We finally tracked him down at a drug infested hotel where his brother sells crack ( she later found out his brother supported her boyfriends crack habit for over 13yrs). He came back home with her that night, never explaining why he left. He found a stable job after this happened but became frustrated at the hard work and quit. Basically this has been the pattern ELEVEN TIMES since 2010: Negative moods, work a little, quit, negative moods again, threaten to move with his mother, disappear for days on crack, destroy my friends character to his family, beg to come back home saying he loves her. Then she spend time consoling him and getting his weight back up. He quit his 5th job and left yesterday on another binge, took every thing in a cab to his mom's once again. should she tell him to stay gone this time or let him back in and hope for the best? Nothing I say penetrates her brain.
Sadly, you have tried. Obviously, this is a relationship is something she should run from but she is deep into codependency and her own psychological issues that she doesn't. This is as much about her own problems as it is his.
Your best bet is to seperate from the problem. No more helping her track him down, no more being the shoulder to cry on. Please advise your friend to see a therapist and to begin going to al anon which is a support group on loving an addict while setting up boundaries and not participating in their disease.
However, you are stuck 'with' her in this drama. I think you need to be firm with her that you've had enough. Your doing this sends a clear message about how crazy it is for her to keep herself in this situation.
Your statement..."should she tell him to stay gone this time or let him back in and hope for the best? Nothing I say penetrates her brain." My response....Well, OF COURSE she should tell him to stay gone; that's a "no brainer." Who would tell her friend to stay with someone like that or take him back? Hope for the best? Hmmmm.....the best thing she can do is walk away from him and wish him well WITHOUT her. Two years is two years TOO long.
In the end it is her life and unfortunately she may just continue to stay in this. She is obviously Co-dependent and should seek help for herself to break this cycle, i.e. therapy.
Your statement..."We finally tracked him down at a drug infested hotel where his brother sells crack ( she later found out his brother supported her boyfriends crack habit for over 13yrs)." My response.....What were you two thinking? Going to this hotel and putting yourselves in danger to find this drug addict?" You could of been robbed or arrested related to a "bust" or even worse... killed. Maybe it will "penetrate" her brain IF one of the situations I just mentioned would happen.
Does she just think that low about herself to want this? Is she just that desperate? Plus, the legal ramifications involved? She doesn't know if this drug addict is being surveillanced by the authorities or not being his brother SELLS the stuff. Her home could be under surveillance.
If I were you I would STAY FAR from this situation BEFORE you get yourself into trouble along with her and this drug addict. You sure weren't thinking when you went to this drug-infected hotel. I wouldn't even recommend going to her home. In fact, I would recommend interacting with her loosely for your own sake and safety.
Yes, you need to leave this man. You need to seek help for yourself immediately.
Sadly, these patterns repeat. Most people--- those with healhty thinking--- would not have stayed around for round 3, 4, 5 and so on of this. You did which is very telling. You have an ingrained pattern now that you may end up with other addicts or those with serious issues if you do not get some kind of counseling immediately.
do you not feel you desere a normal relationship with someone that is not horribly dysfunctional?
Well, you do. but you have to make it happen and it starts by leaving this guy.
I think your friend has a big heart. That is noble, and bless her for being so giving. But there are red flags all over the place, starting with this guys behavior. He's repeatedly shown that he is not willing to do the work necessary in order to clean up his act. Time and time again, when things get tough, he runs to his mother and brother who are enabling him. To some extent, your friend is enabling the guy too. She always has another place for this guy to come back too.
I'm no doctor, by the way. I am just speaking from experience. I think your friend believes she can "change" this guy and make him the fairy tale boyfriend that she's always dreamed of. From what I understand, this is creating all kinds of co-dependency. He depends on her for shelter, food, financial support.... she depends on him for affection and being accepted.
This guy has to hit bottom. You cannot help an addict that doesn't want help. It will break your heart, every single time. You put in all of the time and effort to help this person get on track and at the drop of a hat, they run the other direction. To some extent, the addict feels more safe being an addict. All of the love in the world cannot change that.
I am a big believer in second and maybe even third chances. This guy has had many, many more chances and the person most affected is your friend who is trying to help. It is more than time for this person to think of herself. She needs to come first and this guy needs to go home to his enabling mother or to a rehab. Rehab won't happen until he is ready.
U are dead on it! I copy/pasted this from another site where I didnt want to reveal myself and realized it later. Yes, its actually me going thru this and while I read the comments from you, my cell has rang 27 times already with 14 text message! I'm at my wits end and feel sort of confused and lost. Your words sunk deep, I dont know what I was thinking going to look for him, I thought it was another woman, not drugs at first. Now its to the point where i dont know if he will ever change and whether I want to stick around to find out.
Like I told Londres70, you all figured it out, its me. He has called so many times actually while im reading these comments. He is texting that he loves me, he will change, and so on. I heard it all so many times. I have a good heart and dont want to hurt his feelings by leaving him high and dry but im so drained of energy now.
Dear. This is a classic case of love yourself first. You should extricate yourself from this situation and one way to make yourself do it is to realize that you too have very dysfunctional thinking. You have things to work on as he does. You two can't do it together as he is not getting sober and you need to be with someone that is sober. Seek help with a therapist and go to al anon. It really is the only way. You need to examine how you got here and work to stay away from such a situation as this that has no road leading to happiness only misery. good luck and peace
Listen, people that punch the day lights out of their partner come back begging and saying they are sorry. Sorry and promises don't fix things a lot of the time. He's an addict. he'll use again because he's done nothing to help himself. Don't put yourself in this position to have this scenario repeat over and over. Walk away. Turn off your phone. Distract yourself with something else. Look online for al anon meetings and plan on going to one today or tomorrow. Stay strong. his words mean nothing and actions are all you should be thining about. peace
He started with the meetings, I went with him (yes the person is me). He found a good sponsor, but dodged his phone calls. He even went to detox and a program in charlotte, nc but only stayed one week. He said he was fine. Im lost at this point and dont know what else to do.
You have mentioned what he has tried to do to overcome this, but NO mention about what you are trying to do to overcome your issues, i.e. the relationship with him. You need help for YOURSELF like now.
He's calling and texting....ok, that's when you should start thinking rationally and DON'T respond, but for some reason you want to keep trying to help this person who is out of your realm to help.
I don't think it will really "penetrate" until you end up in a situation involving the authorities OR worse because this is a lifestyle that ALWAYS has dire consequences. I think you might have a chance to "break free" from this with professional help for YOURSELF.
If he was with another woman (at that hotel) it would have probably been a "blessing in disguise." I would assume just let him be someone else's problem.
Sounds like you have a pattern of doing this in relationships or you grew up in a situation like this and this is what you are accustom to.
I have a terrible feeling about this whole situation.
If he left detox after a week, he is not fine. The touched on a subject that he didn't want to address and left. The problem is still there, and he has another excuse to use....
Immediately, you've started to back this guy up. You started making excuses for him.... are you aware of that? "I have a good heart and don't want to leave him". "He started going to meetings." Those excuses are enabling....
You've got to draw the line. You've got to be hard core and say "no more". His behavior will not change using the current philosophy. He has a bunch of work to do and you do too. You need to start working on you. You need to find a way to be far less codependent. Al anon is a great place to start... somebody mentioned it above and is sound advice.
I sadly feel like there is so much going on here that I must touch on one more time. When I wrote as if this was about a friend rather than you--- I did mean what I say. That you have as much of a dysfunctional mindset and live an unhealthy lifestyle just as this man does. You are actually PART of the problem. He's found someone who has so few boundaries in a person that she is willing to live with this and has such damanged thinking that her mind will rationalize just about anything. That is why two people such as the addict, your boyfriend, finds someone like ou, the enabler. This is a classic pattern and has deep roots into the psychology of you both. He's probably depressed as that is often the case and frankly, you may be as well. If you were married twenty years and your partner began using, it is hard to leave. If you haven't been dating all that long, on the second (I'd be gone after two times myself) or third or forth relapse should have been what you needed to walk away.
He's going to fall further down the well. Your choice---- go with him or pull yourself back up, start over and do the work to never be near that well again.
And if he chooses to get his life together, great. but ya know what, drug addiction is a life long challenge to stay clean. And often an addicted person will switch to something else to be addicted to. Their brain chemistry is seeking that high. This man for all of eternity is high risk.
Your life but I hope you choose happiness. Get some counseling dear as it may really help you see your own role in this. Peace
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