Aa
Daughter 11 yr old sleeps in bed with her dad and woke up in her underwear
I have joint custody with my ex. we have 11 yr old daughter. She spends the weekends with him. She sleeps with him on the same bed every time. I voiced my concerns but he never address them. recently, during one of these sleepover at his place, my daughter told me that she woke up in the middle of the night and found herself just with her underwear and undershirt. She had the pjs on before sleeping. When asked, his answer was that she woke up in the middle of night disoriented, spoke to her self and took her pjs off. He got defensive and angry. She never ever did this with me before. Is this normal? I am not comfortable and suspicious and don't know what to do.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. This is her dad. Do you really think he is sexually attracted to his daughter? I think it is plausible that she did indeed remove her pj's as she could have been hot or something. IF your daughter is uncomfortable sleeping with him, she should ask for her own space, bring a sleeping bag over and tell him she's sleeping on the floor, etc.
I have two sons. One is turning 11 and while I don't sleep with him and never have routinely, I do when we go on vacation. He's very snuggly and it's not a big deal. I'd try not to make THIS into a big deal unless you are absolutely sure he's that oddball creep who likes little kids including his own child.
At 11, kids can begin to voice their own independence. I also have a son who is 12. He became very modest not long ago. I give him his space to be a young man even though to me he's still my baby. So, your daughter can ask for more independence from him if she is uncomfortable.
Try your best not to put any ideas into her head though. And of course, if the man you had children with is a sicko attracted to kids, you have to protect your child. If this is the only sign though, I'd say that it was innocent and just time for your daughter to have some growing up room (some private space including sleeping from dad) if she is wanting that. good luck
I have two sons. One is turning 11 and while I don't sleep with him and never have routinely, I do when we go on vacation. He's very snuggly and it's not a big deal. I'd try not to make THIS into a big deal unless you are absolutely sure he's that oddball creep who likes little kids including his own child.
At 11, kids can begin to voice their own independence. I also have a son who is 12. He became very modest not long ago. I give him his space to be a young man even though to me he's still my baby. So, your daughter can ask for more independence from him if she is uncomfortable.
Try your best not to put any ideas into her head though. And of course, if the man you had children with is a sicko attracted to kids, you have to protect your child. If this is the only sign though, I'd say that it was innocent and just time for your daughter to have some growing up room (some private space including sleeping from dad) if she is wanting that. good luck
3 Comments
Thanks for the reply. I am concerned as the child is the one who brought the story to me and she was surprised and not sure how that happened. Do you see it is normal for 11 year old to wake up in the middle of the night and take off her pjs and go back to sleep to be surprised in the morning that she was in underwear especially she never did this before?
I randomly came across these posts looking for other info, and realize they are old, but also archived...so I felt compelled to comment on case it helps anyone later.
I was incredibly disturbed by the naivete of:
"Hi there. This is her dad. Do you really think he is sexually attracted to his daughter?"
The answer, if he is a pedophile, is "yes."
The first time my father raped me, I was 4 or 5 , and unfortunately it happens far more often than many people realize...I have met and eventually helped many females and males of all ages they the years who were assaulted by biological dads/uncles/etc....It is not just strangers.
And unless this kid normally wears all of that under her PJ's normally, that part also sounds odd...he could have also been given her Benadryl or something in a drink or food, to make it easier to abuse her without her knowledge. I know, some people will be horrified at my supposedly dirty mind, to even think of such things, but it wasn't MY dirty thoughts that led down this road...It is my awful childhood and the stories of others who went thru hell l too.
I sure hope that this little one was and is okay, but either way I wanted to warn others to be better safe than sorry. There were several chances where adults in my life (including dr.s and church officials) failed to take signs seriously, or even totally misread things and encouraged more one on one time, my biggest nightmare. His threats were such that I was terrified to tell directly, and praying for discovery, so each time a save was missed I became more hopeless and distraught, and would have left it killed myself if not for the thought of leaving my baby brother in harm's way.
Anyway...Hope for the best, but beware the worst.
I was incredibly disturbed by the naivete of:
"Hi there. This is her dad. Do you really think he is sexually attracted to his daughter?"
The answer, if he is a pedophile, is "yes."
The first time my father raped me, I was 4 or 5 , and unfortunately it happens far more often than many people realize...I have met and eventually helped many females and males of all ages they the years who were assaulted by biological dads/uncles/etc....It is not just strangers.
And unless this kid normally wears all of that under her PJ's normally, that part also sounds odd...he could have also been given her Benadryl or something in a drink or food, to make it easier to abuse her without her knowledge. I know, some people will be horrified at my supposedly dirty mind, to even think of such things, but it wasn't MY dirty thoughts that led down this road...It is my awful childhood and the stories of others who went thru hell l too.
I sure hope that this little one was and is okay, but either way I wanted to warn others to be better safe than sorry. There were several chances where adults in my life (including dr.s and church officials) failed to take signs seriously, or even totally misread things and encouraged more one on one time, my biggest nightmare. His threats were such that I was terrified to tell directly, and praying for discovery, so each time a save was missed I became more hopeless and distraught, and would have left it killed myself if not for the thought of leaving my baby brother in harm's way.
Anyway...Hope for the best, but beware the worst.
I'm very sorry for your experience. Thank you for sharing. Come back any time to help our members on the Relationships forum. We always like different perspectives and experiences to help people!
mom, i just wanted put my input into it.... im 100% sure dads allready molesting probually been for lon time..ask dont be socked if se tells you yesss ok
No its not normal, yes go with what you are feeling thats why God gave us that 6th sense
My first thought when I read this post was that his being "defensive and angry" is a big warning sign. When my ex has something to hide, he gets angry and tries to make it seem like the person asking the question is in the wrong, or just says that he's "not going to discuss this right now or right here!" (but will never discuss it at any other time or in any other situation/location). I've learned to take it as an unspoken admission of guilt, or that he has done something he thinks might make him look bad, regardless of whether it was intentional or not.
If it was a non-confrontational query, just to find out what happened, before jumping to any conclusions, then I would expect an innocent man to answer non-confrontationally, and maybe even ask if the daughter had been upset by it (if the daughter hadn't brought it up with her dad when it first happened). I would hope he would also talk to his daughter to reassure her that she can always tell him directly if anything makes her uncomfortable, because he would not want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable (and offer to change the sleeping arrangements).
On rereading the original post, there are so many red flags (which might not necessarily be red flags if the father had not reacted angrily, unless the mother was always making accusations about any little thing, but her post seems too polite for that to be likely):
1) the father never addressed the mother's concerns when she brought them up, before;
2) the daughter seems to have told the mother and not the father, so she was uncomfortable or afraid to address it directly with her dad - why?
3) the father gave too much detail for someone who had not thought about his "explanation" ahead of time - especially the part about the daughter being "disoriented". The only reasons I can think of for this are either being guilty and needing an alibi (and figuring that the mother wouldn't believe him if he didn't have an explanation beyond, "I don't know - maybe she got hot and took off her pyjamas when she was still half asleep."); or he was innocent and worried that the mother would think he had done something "untoward" - but in that case he would have been anxious, not angry, and likely would have disclosed it to the mother first, to show that he didn't have anything to hide;
4) If the daughter remembers waking up in the middle of the night, then she obviously wasn't as disoriented as her dad would like for her mother to think (assuming that detail was added as an explanation for why the daughter didn't remember undressing);
5) If the father and the daughter both "woke up in the middle of the night", what are the chances that the dad would wake up at the exact time the daughter did, to see her taking off her pyjamas, and if her "speaking to herself" woke him up, wouldn't he be disoriented as well, so as not to realize whether she was awake or asleep, or if she was disoriented or not? If the daughter woke up twice "in the middle of the night" - once when she took off her pyjamas, and another time when she noticed that she was in a different state of attire - on this 2nd waking, when she was obviously not disoriented, did she notice whether her dad was asleep then? Where were her pyjamas? Did it look like they had just been taken off clumsily and left where the dropped? or were they neatly placed somewhere else? or were they dropped haphazardly, but too far away for her to have put them there when she was supposedly so "disoriented"?
6) If the father was already awake, or a very light sleeper, when the daughter woke up "disoriented" and took her pyjamas off, if it was totally innocent, it must have been an anomalous event, for him to remember so clearly, that one would think that he would have asked her about it, in the morning. Something like, "hey, do you remember taking your pyjamas off in the middle of the night? You looked pretty confused" or "Did you know that you talk in your sleep? Yeah, it was pretty funny - you said something that I couldn't quite understand, and then you took your pyjamas off!" (I talk in my sleep and my kids think it's hilarious) or at the very least, "were you hot last night? I noticed you took your pyjamas off in the middle of the night."; otherwise, I would think the dad would have either tried to stop the girl from taking off her pyjamas (maybe get her to take the blanket off, instead, or open a window, if it was because she was too hot), or if she really was too disoriented to know what she was doing, then he could have moved to a different place to sleep for the rest of the night, or made sure that she was fully covered by the sheets and blanket, and then slept on top of the blanket, so there was no way he could even accidentally touch her inappropriately or she him; and then tell her why, first thing in the morning. If he truly was clueless that there was anything inappropriate about what happened, then when he was questioned about it, he would not have been angry, he probably would have just stated what happened, matter-of-factly, and then, when told it made his daughter feel uncomfortable,, once it was brought to his attention, he should have apologized and assured both the mother and the daughter that it won't happen again (suggesting they not sleep in the same bed anymore). If he just had not realized that his daughter was becoming more aware of her body, and propriety, as she matures towards puberty (and she's probably had these topics addressed at school, in health class), anger and defensiveness is not an appropriate reaction, either (unless the father is really, really, immature - in which case, his judgement should probably not be relied upon in situations like this, anyways).
So you see, the anger and defensiveness is a really big red flag for any number of reasons, and should not be ignored. Even if he didn't actually undress her, molest her, or do anything inappropriate, and even if the underwear and undershirt were modest enough that it would not have been inappropriate for her dad to see her dressed that way, the fact that he got angry and defensive about it shows that he is either so self-absorbed that he didn't even realize that his daughter was concerned, since she talked to her mother about it; or he was so insensitive, that he was angry with his daughter for "accusing him", not understanding or caring that regardless of whether there was any reason for her to be concerned, the fact is that she was, and reassuring her should take precedence over his need to protect his image or reputation; or he might have been angry that the mother talked to him about it instead of his daughter, but again - his daughter's immediate feelings should have been addressed first and, if need be, they could talk later either just the two of them, or with a counsellor, about how they could build a more trusting relationship so that she would feel comfortable talking directly to him. I'm sure there are several reasons why he might legitimately have felt angry and defensive (or hurt), but I don't think any of them would justify his expressing his anger, in the moment, instead of addressing and resolving his daughter's feelings, and the reason(s) she felt that way in the first place.
As a response to a legitimate question or expression of concern (unless the concern or question is clearly and exclusively motivated by a desire to create animosity and make the father look bad, and this has happened repeatedly), anger is always either a distraction tactic or a sign of immaturity and poor judgement. If the father cannot rationally discuss the situation and see this as a concern for his daughter - regardless of what actually happened - then I would even see this as a more global concern about the emotional well-being of the daughter when she spends time alone with her father.
If it was a non-confrontational query, just to find out what happened, before jumping to any conclusions, then I would expect an innocent man to answer non-confrontationally, and maybe even ask if the daughter had been upset by it (if the daughter hadn't brought it up with her dad when it first happened). I would hope he would also talk to his daughter to reassure her that she can always tell him directly if anything makes her uncomfortable, because he would not want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable (and offer to change the sleeping arrangements).
On rereading the original post, there are so many red flags (which might not necessarily be red flags if the father had not reacted angrily, unless the mother was always making accusations about any little thing, but her post seems too polite for that to be likely):
1) the father never addressed the mother's concerns when she brought them up, before;
2) the daughter seems to have told the mother and not the father, so she was uncomfortable or afraid to address it directly with her dad - why?
3) the father gave too much detail for someone who had not thought about his "explanation" ahead of time - especially the part about the daughter being "disoriented". The only reasons I can think of for this are either being guilty and needing an alibi (and figuring that the mother wouldn't believe him if he didn't have an explanation beyond, "I don't know - maybe she got hot and took off her pyjamas when she was still half asleep."); or he was innocent and worried that the mother would think he had done something "untoward" - but in that case he would have been anxious, not angry, and likely would have disclosed it to the mother first, to show that he didn't have anything to hide;
4) If the daughter remembers waking up in the middle of the night, then she obviously wasn't as disoriented as her dad would like for her mother to think (assuming that detail was added as an explanation for why the daughter didn't remember undressing);
5) If the father and the daughter both "woke up in the middle of the night", what are the chances that the dad would wake up at the exact time the daughter did, to see her taking off her pyjamas, and if her "speaking to herself" woke him up, wouldn't he be disoriented as well, so as not to realize whether she was awake or asleep, or if she was disoriented or not? If the daughter woke up twice "in the middle of the night" - once when she took off her pyjamas, and another time when she noticed that she was in a different state of attire - on this 2nd waking, when she was obviously not disoriented, did she notice whether her dad was asleep then? Where were her pyjamas? Did it look like they had just been taken off clumsily and left where the dropped? or were they neatly placed somewhere else? or were they dropped haphazardly, but too far away for her to have put them there when she was supposedly so "disoriented"?
6) If the father was already awake, or a very light sleeper, when the daughter woke up "disoriented" and took her pyjamas off, if it was totally innocent, it must have been an anomalous event, for him to remember so clearly, that one would think that he would have asked her about it, in the morning. Something like, "hey, do you remember taking your pyjamas off in the middle of the night? You looked pretty confused" or "Did you know that you talk in your sleep? Yeah, it was pretty funny - you said something that I couldn't quite understand, and then you took your pyjamas off!" (I talk in my sleep and my kids think it's hilarious) or at the very least, "were you hot last night? I noticed you took your pyjamas off in the middle of the night."; otherwise, I would think the dad would have either tried to stop the girl from taking off her pyjamas (maybe get her to take the blanket off, instead, or open a window, if it was because she was too hot), or if she really was too disoriented to know what she was doing, then he could have moved to a different place to sleep for the rest of the night, or made sure that she was fully covered by the sheets and blanket, and then slept on top of the blanket, so there was no way he could even accidentally touch her inappropriately or she him; and then tell her why, first thing in the morning. If he truly was clueless that there was anything inappropriate about what happened, then when he was questioned about it, he would not have been angry, he probably would have just stated what happened, matter-of-factly, and then, when told it made his daughter feel uncomfortable,, once it was brought to his attention, he should have apologized and assured both the mother and the daughter that it won't happen again (suggesting they not sleep in the same bed anymore). If he just had not realized that his daughter was becoming more aware of her body, and propriety, as she matures towards puberty (and she's probably had these topics addressed at school, in health class), anger and defensiveness is not an appropriate reaction, either (unless the father is really, really, immature - in which case, his judgement should probably not be relied upon in situations like this, anyways).
So you see, the anger and defensiveness is a really big red flag for any number of reasons, and should not be ignored. Even if he didn't actually undress her, molest her, or do anything inappropriate, and even if the underwear and undershirt were modest enough that it would not have been inappropriate for her dad to see her dressed that way, the fact that he got angry and defensive about it shows that he is either so self-absorbed that he didn't even realize that his daughter was concerned, since she talked to her mother about it; or he was so insensitive, that he was angry with his daughter for "accusing him", not understanding or caring that regardless of whether there was any reason for her to be concerned, the fact is that she was, and reassuring her should take precedence over his need to protect his image or reputation; or he might have been angry that the mother talked to him about it instead of his daughter, but again - his daughter's immediate feelings should have been addressed first and, if need be, they could talk later either just the two of them, or with a counsellor, about how they could build a more trusting relationship so that she would feel comfortable talking directly to him. I'm sure there are several reasons why he might legitimately have felt angry and defensive (or hurt), but I don't think any of them would justify his expressing his anger, in the moment, instead of addressing and resolving his daughter's feelings, and the reason(s) she felt that way in the first place.
As a response to a legitimate question or expression of concern (unless the concern or question is clearly and exclusively motivated by a desire to create animosity and make the father look bad, and this has happened repeatedly), anger is always either a distraction tactic or a sign of immaturity and poor judgement. If the father cannot rationally discuss the situation and see this as a concern for his daughter - regardless of what actually happened - then I would even see this as a more global concern about the emotional well-being of the daughter when she spends time alone with her father.
That is very odd. Usually when children sleep with their parents thi never happens. The father could be like that. Or she probably moved around to much for them to get off. Or she probably got to hot and took them off. It depends.
Take the daughter to a doctor and have her examined. That is weird and you should never ignore something like that. It may be nothing, but isn’t it better to know for sure and prevent something potentially horrible from continuing?
If your daughter voices this type of concern, you want to make sure that she does not have any pain, burning, itching or discomfort to her girly parts. If she does, she need to be examined by her pediatrician. Make sure she knows your concern and openly discuss any issues or fears she may have. Just because an 11 yr old is able to tell you her concern does not mean that she will be strong enough to stand up for herself in an uncomfortable situation.
You mentioned her father became angry and defensive when asked about the situation. This is very concerning. What would one need to be defensive about if they did nothing wrong.
I would be Leary if letting my daughter return for sleep overs. As a victim of invest childhood abuse, I told my childrens’ father First off, that if he ever touched or hurt my children he would pay. This holds true for any future relationships. Please be careful
You mentioned her father became angry and defensive when asked about the situation. This is very concerning. What would one need to be defensive about if they did nothing wrong.
I would be Leary if letting my daughter return for sleep overs. As a victim of invest childhood abuse, I told my childrens’ father First off, that if he ever touched or hurt my children he would pay. This holds true for any future relationships. Please be careful
2 Comments
"What would one need to be defensive about if they did nothing wrong. "
Being accused of molesting your daughter isn't something many men would take nicely.
Being accused of molesting your daughter isn't something many men would take nicely.
That's probably true especially when a couple is estranged from one another. It's a hard situation to know exactly what is going on. We would never want any child to be in a compromising position with their parent and their protection is number one. So, finding the right way to inquire is important but I imagine difficult. I'd certainly be very watchful after an incident like this and take action if necessary.
You might want to have your husband and daughter sleep in separate beds! I used to sleep with my uncle in the same manner. It was very innocent and we were very close. But it still ended up sexual eventually. Though it was mutually consensual for us, you might want to reevaluate their situation before nothing turns into something.
I'm surprised that your daughter sleeps in her underwear and a tshirt under her pajamas. It' turns out to be a happy coincidence. I think that this is serendipitous that your daughter may have removed her clothes and has brought the issue of her having her own sleep place a necessity for her well being. Time for her to exercise her independence. Does he have a second bedroom for his daughter? or can he sleep on the couch when she comes to visit? That's what i would do for my son anyways. I would discuss it with dad, and have him make the suggestion. Get him involved in "having the talk" with your daughter that she is getting older and becoming a young lady now. Kids are getting their periods at 10 years old these days. Not a moment to soon to make other arrangements.
Also if your daughter has not had her HPV vaccine, it might be a good time to have her do so, along with changing her sleeping environment. Make it into a couples thing to help her become more involved in her own changes and health care.
Your husband shouldn't have a problem with this as long as you are not talking to him tensely like he's done something wrong. I would get it out of your mind that anything untoward is happening just because of her maybe waking and taking off her pajamas. Having on underwear and a tshirt and pjamas could get pretty uncomfortably hot after all. I would give your husband the benefit of the doubt while instilling in your daughter a real sense of her own independence and foster her natural ability to communicate and protect herself.
I'm sorry but my son never slept with us when he was 11, or even when he was quite young. He always had his own room. I think it would best for your husband to have a den set up, or another bedroom and as i mentioned earlier, it shouldn't be a problem for him to see that his young daughter on the verge of having her period needs to have some privacy. In fact, it might be that she miss a weekend or two when she does get her period, and plan on that not being a big deal.
Good luck on working together with your husband to create the most peaceful , safe world your little girl.
Also if your daughter has not had her HPV vaccine, it might be a good time to have her do so, along with changing her sleeping environment. Make it into a couples thing to help her become more involved in her own changes and health care.
Your husband shouldn't have a problem with this as long as you are not talking to him tensely like he's done something wrong. I would get it out of your mind that anything untoward is happening just because of her maybe waking and taking off her pajamas. Having on underwear and a tshirt and pjamas could get pretty uncomfortably hot after all. I would give your husband the benefit of the doubt while instilling in your daughter a real sense of her own independence and foster her natural ability to communicate and protect herself.
I'm sorry but my son never slept with us when he was 11, or even when he was quite young. He always had his own room. I think it would best for your husband to have a den set up, or another bedroom and as i mentioned earlier, it shouldn't be a problem for him to see that his young daughter on the verge of having her period needs to have some privacy. In fact, it might be that she miss a weekend or two when she does get her period, and plan on that not being a big deal.
Good luck on working together with your husband to create the most peaceful , safe world your little girl.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I do think that is odd. I agree. But is your conclusion that her father undressed her?
Ask her to speak up and ask for her own space to sleep. It's reasonable at her age. And go from there. If other things seem amiss, then you have to protect her.
But I also would be very careful about going down that road. good luck
Ask her to speak up and ask for her own space to sleep. It's reasonable at her age. And go from there. If other things seem amiss, then you have to protect her.
But I also would be very careful about going down that road. good luck
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
