Did I over react because my dad let a woman's kids into my room...

    Hi I'm 17, my parents are divorced and I have lived with my father ( who is 52 and has a genetic disorder which causes him to slowly become paralyzed from the waist down ) since the divorce when I was 3. over the past couple weeks I have been visiting my mom for summer vacation and my sister and I got into an argument so I drove back to my dad's to stay. When I get there he isn't even home so I do the chores and such, when does come home he tells me that he was "talking" some woman with 4 kids which are all under the age of 6. I wasn't mad about it because I want him to be happy. ( however thinking about the age of the children, she has to be at least 15 younger than him if not more )
     I go to my room to sweep and put some clothes up when I find my room rearranged from how I left it, I look around some more and on top of my bunk-bed I find a sleeping bag, in my blankets I find candy which stained everything, and a jar of change was missing .At this point I am furious that he would let anyone into my room and not even tell me. I wrote him a letter asking him why he did this to me and I was going back to my mom's the next morning because he was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him.
     The next morning when I am getting ready to leave he tells me not to go because it was just a 1 and 2 year old in my room while their mom  "cleaned house" however as I said above, I was doing chores when I came home! I leave and call him when I get to my mom's house and that is where I am at currently. He called monday and said that He was actually dating this girl and that he broke up with her (I was home on Friday when the actual event occurred on Sunday, saying this I just can't believe that he would date a girl he just met so this must have been going on behind my back for a while now), he then said that I was the most important thing in his life and he won't know what to do if I hate him. I don't hate, I honestly don't know how to feel about the situation.

I don't know if it's just me being jealous but I feel like my trust of him has been completely betrayed and that if he dates someone that I'm going to be tossed aside. I also want him to be with someone who will be good to him and take care of him, though you can't find may people like that in today's society where the old, crippled, and naive are taken advantage of. ( In my opinion as well I feel the woman may have been looking for someone who would give her financial support seeing as she has so many kids, aka a gold-digger)

[specialmom]

I think you have a right to privacy of your 'space' and respect for your things.  I absolutely do.  

Divorce is hard on kids even when they are teenagers and more mature in handling emotions.  It is still hard.  

When our parents split, we are stuck with the aftermath.  That includes new people coming into their lives that displace our former boundaries we had as a family.  

I honestly think it is resonible to ask your dad to have his lady friends keep their kids out of your room.  And if they marry, I feel like you still have that right.  If I had an in tact family with kids of multiple ages, I would make a room of a teen off limits to a significantly younger sibling.  It is fair.  

So, I see your point and think you can talk to your dad about it.  Leave out that you feel his girlfriend is too young for him and that you have no idea why he'd choose someone so strapped down with little kids (I'd wonder that myself) and focus on setting up a boundary for your room and your things.  good luck dear.  (I know it is hard)

[RockRose]

I think it would help to get things in perspective to tell you that's not actually your room.  It's a room in your father's house he has set aside for your use when you are with him.  

I do understand that in broken families alliances kind of get twisted and nearly adult children become jealous of their parent's partners,  so I do understand that.

But should he have to be alone?  

[KawaiiNeko]

I understand however that said, my dad doesn't want me moving out when I get older and he has told me that multiple times.  I'm not even allowed to go to the college I would like because it is too far from home.

My room isn't for kids to playing in when I have some rather expensive and personal family items in there( i'm in permanent custody of my dad ) so it is my room.

I don't want him to be alone but I would like him to actually tell me about the women he is talking to as well, and in his medical condition he doesn't need a women with 4 small kids running around when he needs help taking care of himself. I would like to see him with someone around the same age as him, someone that I know would help him.

[KawaiiNeko]

Also I said above, money was stolen from my room ( about $15 ) I had been saving. It was missing since the woman and her kids were in my room.

[specialmom]

I think you have a right to privacy of your 'space' and respect for your things.  I absolutely do.  

Divorce is hard on kids even when they are teenagers and more mature in handling emotions.  It is still hard.  

When our parents split, we are stuck with the aftermath.  That includes new people coming into their lives that displace our former boundaries we had as a family.  

I honestly think it is resonible to ask your dad to have his lady friends keep their kids out of your room.  And if they marry, I feel like you still have that right.  If I had an in tact family with kids of multiple ages, I would make a room of a teen off limits to a significantly younger sibling.  It is fair.  

So, I see your point and think you can talk to your dad about it.  Leave out that you feel his girlfriend is too young for him and that you have no idea why he'd choose someone so strapped down with little kids (I'd wonder that myself) and focus on setting up a boundary for your room and your things.  good luck dear.  (I know it is hard)

[specialmom]

Typo, reasonable to ask.  

[KawaiiNeko]

   Thanks, it is hard and I try to be strong, for me this is the first incident like this, I just don't understand why he wouldn't tell me, instead he let me find it out myself. It makes me feel like he doesn't trust me or something,though I should have a right to meet and know the girl he is dating, it would make life for both of u a lot better.

[KawaiiNeko]

Also I mentioned my sister, I also have a brother and neither are my dad's kids. my sister is 26, my brother 24.

[specialmom]

Well, I'd just focus on your own space and ask your dad to keep your room private.  He may have women come and go and he may be so obvivious that he doesn't really recognize that they are in  your room other than to see it briefly.  I'd keep your door closed and have him give the instructions to any house guests------  please do not open any doors that are closed.  I had that rule with my mother in law.  :>)  Older posters will understand that you don't need your mother in law in every room of the house when she disappears upstairs.  

good luck and  hope it all works out alright.  I'm sorry,by the way, that you can not go to the college that you want to.  That is a bummer as college is so personal and you should have some say in where you go.  If it is financial, could you incur the student loans yourself to pay after school is over?  

[KawaiiNeko]

I have tried calling him a couple times today however he won't answer the phone, I guess I'll just have to wait till he calls back.

The college is a little pricier than most but I can't move into an apartment ( dad won't allow it ) so if I stay at home that college will be about 65 miles one way, while there is another college about 20 minutes from the house.

I was thinking about some student loans but my dad doesn't even want me to get a job so I can help pay for something like that because he feels it is his responsibility.

[Londres70]

I can COMPLETELY understand your situation with your room.  I would be upset if my father allowed strangers in my bedroom while I wasn't home and stuff was stolen and everything else was left in disarray.  

In regards to your father and who he is with.....well, that's his decision and his business.  You might not agree with who he is with but he is an adult.  I do understand how this would catch you off guard.  Perhaps he was going to tell you about this woman when you returned from your mother's.  You did come home unexpectantly EARLY because you got into a fight with your sister.  

You should talk with him about the situation with your bedroom and these feelings of insecurity that he may "toss" you aside for this woman.  Don't let these feelings fester and stew.  

I don't think you are being fair to this woman by calling her a "golddigger" and that she is only with your dad for money.  You don't know the woman to be painting her in a "dark" way.  

Remember....he is the adult and you are the child.  It is understandable that you want the best for him, but let him live his life and make his own decisions.  

[specialmom]

Well, college is a big deal.  If you want to incur the debt to go where you want, you should be able to.  You are soon to be an adult and college is setting you up for your future career.  Your opinions on what you want to do should be he heard at least.  

Oh well, get your own space in the house sorted out first.  good luck

[specialmom]

Great insight/advice Londres.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree that you totally have the right to privacy, and your room should be off limits to young children, completely.

Also, why are you not permitted to go to the college of your choice?  Because you're your dad's caretaker?  Financial reasons?  It doesn't sound like you are with him 24/7, and you go to your Mom's at will, so if you ARE helping to care for your Dad, it doesn't sound like it's all the time, or consistent.  Sounds like he's pretty independent.  If the reason is financial, like specialmom said, why not look into grants, loans, etc?

You admit to some jealousy, and you question the intentions of dad's new GF.  Those are normal reactions, HOWEVER, no matter what your opinion, you have no right to dictate to your Dad what he can and can't do, or who he can and can't date.  You say.... "I should have a right to meet and know the girl he is dating, it would make life for both of u a lot better."

One, no, you don't have the "right".  Sure, it would be best for everyone involved if you were included in that aspect of your Dad's life, but again, he is a grown up and doesn't have to answer to you.  I'm guessing also, that you have probably been pretty critical of who he has dated, which may be why he isn't as forthcoming with you in regards to his social life than you would like him to be.  Even if your REASONS for being critical (gold digging fears, etc) are legit, it's still going to cause tension between your dad and you.  Unless he has dementia, or a mental illness where he would be incapable of making sound decisions, he also has the right to spend his money as he sees fit.  Even if it is on a 20-something years old who is clearly using him as a sugar daddy.

What you CAN do is talk to your Dad about your concerns, and tell him that you would like to be sure that his savings/retirement/pension is protected from predatory types.  There are different legal arrangements that could be put in place to protect his assets.  Problem with that, is, he would have to be agreeable, and he may take offense to the suggestion that the new GF is just out for his money.  This is nothing new, children have watched a new partner come in, and take ALL of their parent's money, including any future inheritence.  The problem lies in the fact that children often view their parent's money as THEIR money, and while it is goal for most parents to leave a nest egg behind, it is not at all required to do so, again getting back to the fact that, to be frank, what your Dad does with his money is not your concern, or your business.

Sounds like a combination of jealousy, territorial issues, and some problems with you and your Dad communicating, and I''m sorry to say, but I think you share some of the blame in those issues.  Sounds like your Dad feels as though he has to "answer" to you, which is evident from him calling you at your Mom's and making a bunch of excuses as to what happened in HIS home.  Also sounds like maybe, you use "running to your Mom's house" as a little bit of a power move against your Dad, to sort of guilt trip him into doing things the way YOU want them done.  Sounds like your sort of forcing your Dad to back down on issues to get you to come back.  Almost sounds as though there is a little role reversal going on, with YOU acting in a more parental role, and him taking a more submissive stance at times, to save face with you.

You absoutely have a right to privacy, in your room at your Dad's house, but really, you don't have the right to much else.  Just my honest opinion.

[Londres70]

In regards to your father.....he NEEDS to allow you to become more independent from him and his life.  

Look into colleges nearby dear.  

Some parts of your lives SHOULD be independent of each other.  He can't be 100% your life.  

[KawaiiNeko]

Okay, I have come back to my dad's and discussed it with him. He did some research and found out that this woman had had multiple accounts of DUI, petty theft, and prostitution. She is also engaged to another man. She also stole some of my dad's things so we are hoping to receive $50 from her to pay for what she stole.

He told me that he was thankful I became aggravated with him and that he will tell me about anyone from now on.



And I thank everyone for their input on the situation.

[specialmom]

Yikes.  Sounds like quite the loser your dad got involved with.  Hope he uses better judgment for everyone's sake in the future!

Glad you and he are on the same page.  Best of luck to you dear.  You sound like a smart young lady to me.  I think you should consider a frank discussion with your dad about your college options.  Again, best wishes for you

[KawaiiNeko]

I hope he does as well because I don't want to see him hurt.

I am too, I am horrible at handling stressful emotional situations, I not very smart I just try and follow my intuition because it doesn't usually lie. I will be discussing it wit him soon enough school's right around the corner!