Difficult roommate situation

I'm selling my condo and found a roommate situation to live in while the condo is for sale. It's a male roommate (I'm female) and he is 6 years younger than me. I'm in my 40s.  I couldn't take time off work during the move-out so I was spending many nights at the condo packing and getting it ready to list for sale. As soon as I paid the roommate the first and last months' rent, I took my bed over there and started moving stuff over there slowly for about 1-2 weeks. One morning after I had spent the night at the condo (on the floor with blankets), I got a text from the roommate saying"Where are you?" I thought this was inappropriate since it was none of his business where I was. He is a roommate, not my boyfriend. I told him I was at the condo because I was up late packing and didn't want to drive back to his apartment late at night. About 5 hours later, I got another text from him saying "Where did you sleep if your bed is here?"  This REALLY raised some red flags.  :-(  It was obvious he had been mulling this over for several hours and I thought it sounded controlling. :(  

A couple of nights later all my stuff was moved to his apartment and he said, "Do you want to watch a movie?" I said okay.  The only T.V. is in his bedroom, so I sat on top of his bed and he said, "Don't you want to get under the covers? It's freezing."  So I got under the covers (we were both fully dressed) and nothing inappropirate happened - no touching, no nothing.

After the movie was over, the guy was ALL OVER ME. Hugging me from behind, kissing me, holding me - the works. No, I didn't stop his advances. I was vulnerable, stressed from the events in my life, hadn't had sex or a relationship in over a year, and I just let it happen. We didn't have intercourse but I gave him oral sex (I got nothing "in return" from him, he never touched my vaginal area with his mouth or his hands).  Basically he got a ******** and that was the end of it, although I enjoyed what little there was. Afterwards we both said, "this was a mistake, it shouldn't happen again," although it was clear neither of us was saying it with any conviction. It just seemed like the "thing" to say during that moment.

A few nights later, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie, and he said "you mean just watch a movie or do what we did the other night?" and I said "both."  And he said no, it wouldn't happen again and it was a mistake. I was totally and utterly humiliated. I never laid a hand on this guy until he came on to ME, and now I got completely set up to be rejected outright. Humiliating. About an hour later, he left the apartment (it was a Sat. night). An hour after that, I left and slept at my condo that night (I had to bring a blanket to sleep with). I was too humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed to be there if and when he came home that night.

Since then (about 2 weeks), it's been nothing but cordiality and politeness between "real" roommates, the way it should have been from the start. And I'm DEVASTATED. I am attracted to this guy and I know that because I was physical with him, that chemical cascade in my brain has taken over and I'm infatuated with him. I get crazy when he leaves the apartment, especially on weekend nights, and I am beside myself. I feel embarrassed to be here alone on a weekend night, even though I often enjoyed weekend nights home alone while I was living alone.

The rent is cheap (this is important right now for me), and it's in a great neighborhood. I should add that we both work at home and get along great while we are around each other during the day. Theres plenty of room to have our space, and he often helps me with computer problems. We both have the kind of personalities where we are quiet and keep to ourselves, so in that sense this is a good fit for both of us.  

It's just that I'm still attracted to him and I feel a mixture of emotions about this guy. I'm angry with him for coming on to me, I'm angry at myself for allowing it, I get turned on sometimes looking at him or watching him, and feel frustrated that I can't act on my feelings. I have no idea what he is feeling about me. Probably nothing. :(

Can anybody help me work through this? I want to stay here a while even after the condo sells because it really is a great neighborhood. I know he needs a roommate right now because his finances are tight, and I'm finding I enjoy actually having a person around  during the day. I should probably start dating some guys to take my mind off him (I actually have a date tomorrow for brunch with a guy I met recently), but this is a very frustrating situation for me. I'd like advice on working through my feelings, changing my thoughts about this guy - anything that will help me cope with being around him 7 days a week. It is probably the best roommate situation I could hope for in many other respects.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, first let me say that I am sorry you are going through a difficult time.  I'm sorry you must sell your condo and hope things turn around financially and otherwise very soon.  
So, in my humble opinion, I don't really see you a victem in this as you kind of make yourself out to be.    You went right along with it.  You were open to it or it wouldn't have happened.  That isn't his fault.  It helps to not blame someone else for our own mistakes because then the resentful portion can be taken out and you can focas on the real problem which is that you are hurt that he is rejecting you.  Your decision to fool around with him is not him taking advantage of you-------  you were two adults and it happened mutually.  So, get over the "he shouldn't have done it" because frankly, you should not have either.  I'm not coming down on you------  most people have had sometime in which they did something like this and the guy or girl did return the feeling afterward.  I know how that feels too-------  but it doesn't help to be mad about it.  Better to own it so we make better choices in the future.

Now that it is done, I am sorry he is rejecting you.  That stinks.  That hurts our feelings and makes us insecure.  And now you are stuck living with him.  That is kind of like in your face rejection every day.  That is no fun.  I'd move.  If you are being consumed with feelings for him and doting on this brief encounter--------  you just need to find another place to live so you can get on with life.  Look around and see what else you can find.  Because your only other option is to act like this bothers you not at all and to move on in his presence.  Work on yourself-------  start jogging, exercising, spending time with friends, focasing on things you really enjoy.  Being truly fulfilled and happy is always the best revenge.  Moving and doing those same things seems like the better option to me.  Good luck.  And again, I hope it all gets better really soon!

[RockRose]

Eve,  this is a problem,  and I think a very predictable problem,  when men and women decide to become roommates.  I honestly don't see how it could ever work,  although sometimes apparently it does.  It just seems way way too intimate to work,  in my opinion.

I think he needs to find a guy to move in when you sell your condo,  and you need to find a small place or a female roommate or several.  

Best wishes.

[teko]

The thing that strikes me about your story is that he basically took and yet found no interest in pleasing you. It almost sounds like he was testing you? Was he doing or you doing drugs? Then the in your face blatant nope, not happening after asking you if you wanted to do it again? I think he is more of a challenge to you than anything else is why you cannot let it go. You have a need to throw his rejection in his face I would think. I do agree that you need to find another place to live and get on with your life, but this guy just sounds really wierd to me. That alone would put me on the run...

[Judy246]

There is no way around this one. You need to move out and there is no way around it. He used and you let him and your relationship with him will never be the same. It's just a matter of time that it's going to be uncomfortable and akward to be around each other and worse when men or women start spending the night. Time to make a plan and get out of this situation and never repeat the behavior.

[EveKendall]

Thank you for all the great comments, and I'm sorry it has taken so long to respond and get back to this website.  

Teko, one of my girlfriends mentioned that she also thought he was "testing" me.  He has had roommates in the past, and of the two he mentioned to me, one was a woman. I don't know what transpired between the two of them. The other interesting aspect of this story was the night that he rejected me and he left the apartment and I left shortly after that to sleep at my condo, in the next two days after that, after I was back at the apartment, he cooked dinner for both of us, his reason was that I had been having a really bad couple of days - I got 4 parking tickets and my car got towed because I don't have a parking sticker for his neighborhood yet, so he either picked up on my frustration at this situation, or he felt badly about what had transpired with the rejection, and the two dinners we had together seemed to be a sort of "backpedaling" by him to make up for it. I also think it was somewhat manipulative of ME to leave the apartment the night of the rejection. He was obviously concerned about where I was the first time I didn't sleep there, and I guess my leaving that second time was a big F U to him.  Like, okay, fine, you reject me to my face, I'll sleep somewhere else. Whatever.

I'm not interested in moving at this time, although I will take it under consideration once the condo sells (if it sells!).  As I said, we generally get along well, we both keep to ourselves and are quiet, and the rent is really reasonable here given how great the neighborhood is.

I have a history in relationships of being with unavailable men, so  I do see this guy fitting that pattern to a T.  If I'm going to stay, even if it is just until the condo sells, I need to change my thinking about this guy. One way might be to just chalk him up as bad in bed. :-) There are things that we do have in common (both quiet types, turns out we like the same music, we both like to cook and we share recipes).  However, there are many other things we don't have in common and that I don't find attractive - (he seems clinically depressed to me because he can't find stable work at the moment, sleeps a lot, watches T.V. or movies pretty much all the time, doesn't seem to have any friends).  He can go several days in a row without leaving the apartment at all. I work at home too and make an effort to leave the apartment every day even if it's just to go for a walk.

I do not want to leave until the condo sells. Moving is a huge ordeal for me because of my home-based business being disrupted over it.  If things improve with him after the condo sells, I'd still like to stay here a while after that. I truly love the neighborhood.

I just joined a gym nearby and I've committed myself to going in 6 days a week,  even if it's just 30 minutes on the treadmill or with the weight machines. I think this will go a long way towards making me feel better. I got away from exercising in the last couple of months because of the move and my stress over the condo. As it turns out, my realtor and I get along great, and we both agreed that after the sale is done, we would stay in touch and work out together and have dinner together, so it looks like I may have a new friend. (She told me about the great deal going on at her gym where I joined.)

This neighborhood is also within walking distance of all the cultural stuff - the ballet, the symphony, the theater, shopping, great restaurants, so I'm starting to schedule evening events to attend alone to get out of the apartment.

I think I can manage here until the condo sells. I'll have to see how things go after that, both financially and personally with this roommate.

[mami1323]

What strikes me is that you are in your 40's and you are behaving like a girl in her 20's.  Please don't take offense to what I'm saying but this back and forth between you and your roommate are quite childish.  This seems like game playing to me and if I was single in my 40's I would not feed into this kind of thing.  I agree, you need to move.  Unless you want to find yourself hurt at some point.  Because I can clearly see him bringing home a girl and you getting upset.  He's not exactly telling you his feelings and the sexual intimacy was one sided.  Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[imanaddict]

I also found it odd that he never touched you sexually and did not "return the favor" in any way. He used you and evidently he got what he wanted and now he's done. I am sorry that happened and now it's time to learn from it and move on, which you are trying to do. It sounds as if you are on the right path by joining a gym and meeting new people...trying to stay busy. That is about all you can do at this point. If you think you can handle living with him but not having any relations, then stay. I wouldn't suggest giving in to any more sexual advances should he try again. It will only make it harder on yourself so try to stay strong and continue to live your life the way you always have before this happened. The key is to learn from it and not repeat! I wish you all the best and hope your condo sells really quick!

[EveKendall]

@Mammy, sorry you think I'm acting childish. Frankly, I'm baffled by all the stuff that has gone down in this household and I am having a hard time sorting it all out. I just got here, and I really can't and don't want to move on yet. It's not financially viable, it's a ridiculously enormous undertaking to consider, and it's not easy to find good living situations and apartments in this town that are raesonably priced.

But I guess you told me, eh? If I'm acting like I'm 20, I guess I'm acting like I'm 20. I don't think you can pin an age on it, but knock yourself out with the compartmentalization. I was catapulted into a frustrating situation after paying for 2 months worth of rent with this guy and now I want to make the best of it.  Do I know what I'm doing?  Probably not. I guess you always do know what you are doing though in every situation and your impulses, your thinking, and your cognitive patterns are always in sync and you ALWAYS make the best decisions.

Thanks for sharing.

[mami1323]

I guess you did take offense.  I don't always know what I'm doing, not every one does but until you take responsibility for the situation you will continue to make the same mistakes.  I applaud you for realizing that you do go after unavailable men and you are trying not to do that here.  That takes a lot of will power and self reflection.  Trust me, I know how hard it is to make decisions with your head and not your heart.  But you are old enough to know better is my point.  You've had enough life experience to be able to guide you in the right direction.  The things I've learned by living my life, will enable me not to repeat the same patterns I used to make.  The way I acted when I was younger and the choices I made are completely different than the ones I make now.  That was my point, I wasn't trying to attack you and I'm sorry that came off that way.  I've learned a lot about men, in my current relationship, in my past relationships and in therapy and I certainly know how they think and why they do what they do.  No I'm not an expert but I do know when someone is being played with and he is playing with you.  It seems like he's controlling this situation and believe me, he knows you like him.  You made that very clear to him when you were giving him oral and he did nothing back.  You are thrown into a terrible spot and it is hard, I'm just hoping that you don't fall in his trap and get stuck there and played with.  Good luck with selling your condo and possibly moving out of the situation your in.  Some people can pick up on vulnerability and you're having a tough time right now and he may be able to prey on that.