Discussion Topic: Spouse / SO looking over phone/laptop/etc

[LostGuy92]

One of the dicussions I have seen on the forums since I have started posting and a repeat topic is Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Husband/Wife looking through others phones.  Being an computer system admin one of the topics recently in the news and I think is important is the reading of your spouses email.  

My Goal with this thread is to open discussion with members here.  To take everyones thoughts and dicuss so that it isn't discussed in other threads that the OP wants help with their relationship question.  There is no right or wrong answer it is your thoughts.  

My thoughts on the subject are that once you get married while I understand some want privacy their shouldn't be anything on your phone, email, or other messaging that really your spouse shouldn't be allowed to see.  I completely feel that the term privacy really is one of those things that while you should have from others the person you are married to shouldn't be allowed to see your email or other things.  

For example if I talk to my parents about things going on in my life then does it matter my SO sees those emails?  Not really it doesn't hurt me at all.  Would I get touchy if the subject was a negative chat about her then yes I could see not letting her see that.  If I am texting mindless babble or daily talk to an ex or a friend of the opposite sex then what harm is their for her to see it?  To me the outcome of seeing such messages is moot.  Nothing happened while I want you to trust me that nothing did seeing that nothing happened is a step towards showing you it was mindless babble.  

Where I disagree with some is the line of privacy.  This only really applies to married couples as dating really doesn't in my book qualify for the level of lifting the privacy veil if you will.  Though in matter of open disclosre I as a dating person freely opened up my email, fb, etc to my ex-gf because I had literally nothing to hide. The reason I disagree is that if we are married then I view it as its "our" phone "our" life "our" money "our" is the word.  Mine doesn't really play in marriages.  For example when was the last time your spouse wouldn't let you look up their underpants?  The most important private parts of our lifes is what is under our clothes. Your spouse will have all the rights unless you specifiy otherwise to make medical decisions for you if you are unable to and access to the accounts and social security number.  So why is it that the email/text/etc is offlimits?  

There is an old saying... A lock keeps an honest man honest.  I agree with that. If you know that I could check your email or your text messages are you less likely to cheat?  It is true that if someone wants to cheat they will (speaking from experince both personal and having helped professionally).  To me though you throw a moneky into things when you start being protective of your phone or email when I am married to you.  I have a right to know what is going on with our money, our bills, our house, our cars, our "everything".  Unless you are working where a job requires you keep stuff secret (Military, Medical, Lawyers, etc) to which those things have nothing to do with me.  Where does the line matter.  Can you really have open and honest communication when someone is hiding things?  Human nature will be to find out.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Yeah, I have a friend who was married to a guy that was doing horrible things on the internet.  He was looking heavily at porn.  He was communicating w/ other women.  He was using a web cam and won't even get into that.  My friend was so hurt that she took very personal pictures of herself just to get her husband to stop what he was doing.  She thought/hoped that if he has her pictures anytime, he wouldn't want to look at anything else.  She just couldn't understand why she wasn't "enough."  She was also trying to have sex every day, even though she didn't want to, to try to make her husband happy.  You know what her husband did?  He posted her pictures on the internet!!  He was even getting on swinger sites and pretending to be my friend.  She only found all of this out by spying.  Needless to say, they are no longer married.  She is happily remarried and they have 1 child together, along w/ 2 from her previous marriage and 1 from his.  

[Jaybay]

Count another married couple with no electronic privacy needs.  That concept just doesn't compute with me where marriage is concerned.  We know each other forward and backward - warts, passwords and all.  I have never once demanded that my husband show me his phone or emails or any other electronic business and vice versa.  That kind of thinking is completely foreign to my nature.  If the shite hits the fan, I go head-to-head and get it straight from the horse's mouth - not by electronic spying.  

[psyvamp]

I would like to say that I do agree with everything you've stated about OUR vs yours/mine in a committed relationship..... but in response-- to the PRIVACY... I want and/or need Privacy when I go to the toilet, I want or need privacy when I am taking care of personal grooming issues, etc... That's the difference for me-- privacy vs. 'hiding something'....
My DH and I have FULL ACCESS to everything.... even the Privvy, when the other is using it, if need be! LOL!

[LostGuy92]

Very good comments.  I like the discussion and the difference on things.  I think the funny part was the boring email.  I really did laugh out loud when I read them.  My email is soooo extremely boring.  It bores me and it is MY email.  :-)  Mainly my email is pretty much just the mundane computer techworld updates and a few emails about Marine storys with a catalog I get (my brother and sister in law are US Marines.  One of the newsletters I get has a bunch of past Marines telling history stories that I would never get to hear).  So aside from those and my job search emails nothing in them.  While our web use and emails maybe boring the idea is we aren't looking through the boring things we are looking to find the bad things.

Specialmom: I agree with your why.  If I may share a personal why I did it I maybe help point it out a response.  When I was dating my now ex-girlfriend one of the reasons I gave up my passwords was a showing of my trust.  I trust her to go through my email, facebook, myspace, and everything else.  Why wouldn't I?  The thought of nothing to hide was there and honestly I didn't want her to not trust me.  She attempted to go through my email and find old emails of my marriage to find out "Why" it ended.  She couldn't wrap her head around that we divorced because we used to be so happy before.  Even when I explained the situation.

Now for me when I did it... It had to do with that secretive world.  Before if her phone went off with a text message and say she was doing something I would reach over grab the phone and read her the message.  That stopped completely.  She took her phone with her everywhere she went.  Well I noticed a lot more text messages when we would talk about who she was texting was from this guy she went to grad school with who she admitted to having a crush on.  But nothing happened since he dated another classmate of theirs who was her friend.  Now he is single and so they are always talking.  She says about typical daily friends things.  But she clears the messages when I am there or before I get their.  His and another of her female friends.  Everyone elses messages stay there.  

Why for me there was the attitude change.  When I did the same thing I noticed she logged into my email a lot more.  (My email logs when someone logs in with what IP address. Computer geeks are no fun I know).  But a lot of the broken and suspicion honestly came from the start when she did something with another guy via webcam and saw she did not cheat because it wasn't physical.  Though the other relationships it has been one of those "I have nothing to hide I am committed to you and I understand you may want to see that proof."  

To answer the question on the computer and text messages yes they can be destoryed.  If it is on a computer (this is my professional job) it can be recovered.  Unless deleted and overwritten and then deleted again chances are its recoverable and I have done that for a few PI friends of mine. Plus their is always that slip up that will get someone.  

Tthe why is built into home nature I believe. We see something or hear something that makes us wonder and we believe that the person not letting us do anything is hiding something.  For example think of the police.  If you heard that a guy refused to let the police search his car without a warrant would your first thought be "He did nothing wrong to warrant it." or "What is he hiding that he wants them to go get a warrant?".  Sure the person could be standing on principle but the odds are that he isn't and that he has something he shouldn't have and by forcing them to do that paperwork maybe they will just move on.  

But I don't like the whole idea of getting married and keeping seperate checking accounts.  So I admit that there are things I don't quite understand.  But I enjoy seeing the other side and respect the disagreement of opinions should one exists.  That is one of the best things about talking to someone there is if you ask me.  :-)  

[lovemykids465]

Thank you for posting. It is nice to hear that a man feels the same way as most of us females here. I honestly never checked my husbands email or phone but he would open my mail etc. My parents could not believe that but What did I have to hide but then one day I did check his phone and was I in for a surprise. So yes, now I do check and he has given me all his passwords to his email and face book and vice versa. I like your comment about seeing our most private aspect of life so why not this.  Thank you.

[boogiefly]

I agree 100 percent with you.  I think that if you are married there shouldn't be anything to hide.  I have been with my boyfriend for 15 years, and I have been living with him for 6 years.  I feel we are married, and so does he.  But sometimes he makes me wonder what he is up to because of the way he acts about his text messages or emails.  Someone will text him, and I will just ask, "who's texting you dear?" and he will tell me that I shouldn't worry about it.  But really, he doesn't have to act like he has something to hide.  That makes me wonder if he does.  If he didn't care about what he has on his text messages (like I don't care, the only thing I am not open to him seeing is stuff like this when I speak of him) then there wouldn't be a suspiscion.  But since he acts so secretive, it becomes an issue.  I don't get what the point of that is.  If you are committed to someone, whats the problem with sharing?  Also, if someone is going to cheat on you and use texting or email for that, couldn't the cheater just delete the incriminating items?  

[ConnieG]

I think it's a good idea to look if you're worried.  I was convinced that my DH was cheating emotionally not to long ago.  I was freaking out. (i've never really been jealous before) and so I snooped through our phone bill, snooped through facebook and then asked for his phone to snoop through it.  There was nothing I mean NOTHING that even remotely suggested foul play.  I was so releaved. I was almost instantly at ease. And now looking back I almost laugh at myself for being so jealous.  After hanging out with her, I can honestly say I had nothing to worry about. LOL.
But I think it's a good thing, especially if you have something you're worrying about.  If you are constantly jealous or worried, you probably need to re-evaluate any personal issues you may have because that's just not a healthy way to be.
Good point (I forgot who) that if you're open and know that your spouse can look through your computer/phone at any moment, it probably would completely take away the ability/desire to cheat.

[penswriter]

I agree. I was looking through dh's email's a few weeks ago looking for our land lords email address....IT WAS SO BORING! Not even normal boring...insanely boring! Just school stuff, discussing electronics and emails from his mom.

I have no reason not to trust him. Once we married, even before than, we kept nothing from each other. He has all my passwords, I have his. Of course my email is just as boring as his. lol. LOTS of writing cr@p, chit chat with friends and updates from amazon.

[RockRose]

I totally agree with Specialmom.  There is NO WAY I want to read through my husband's emails or webforum use,  about vintage watches,  the occasional argument about which motorcycle helmet is best,  and his endless interest in NASA.  

He also doesn't snoop through here to read my medial opinions.  ;D  

Only people who cheat need (or want) to read each other's stuff.

[Ashelen]

I agree with specialmom and Michelle in different ways....I DID snoop on my husband when we were first together...and yes, it was rather boring. video games, music, video games....

Now, I don't feel the need to. He leaves his computer at home with me during the day and I could snoop all over everything if I wanted to while he was at work, but the fact that he KNOWS that I could do it and DON'T makes our relationship that much stronger.

We are a team. While yes, I've had my doubting moments in the past and I Might've run a quick glance across his email for anything suspicious, in the main I trust him and the fact that we are transparent and open with one another 100% helps me trust him without HAVING to snoop...but would I, if I suspected something? you betcha. in a moment. and I would expect him to do the same thing, and while I Might be hurt he DOUBTED me, I wouldn't be angry he "violated my privacy" because I consider nothing between us to be off-limits.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Oops...I must have posted at the same time as specialmom!  I meant that I agree w/ the OP and Ashelen.

I used to check up on my husband on occasion.  Did he ever give me a reason to doubt him??  Nope.  It was other people's experiences that were making ME paranoid about my relationship.  It seemed to happen to so many people that I was just afraid to be too confident or relaxed.

Most people are not going to come out and tell their SO that they are cheating, so snooping is more than likely the only way someone will find out.  I think anyone/everyone has that right.  If I suspected, I'd be snooping like nobody's business!

But I do agree that when there is nothing to find, it does get pretty boring but man was I glad to be bored :)  Nothing would/could hurt me more than my husband being unfaithful.  That would be a deal breaker for me.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I totally agree w/ both of you, so I can't really add much :)

[specialmom]

In all honesty, when someone is on the up and up with you, snooping gets pretty darn boring.  It becomes pointless because there is nothing to find.  And by the same token, there should be nothing to hide.   That is how I run my relationship.  

My husband would no sooner read my email collection of pta event notices, gobbledy gook from friends, reminders of hair cut appointments, etc. than he would to go clothes shopping with me for 8 hours.  

When I first got married though--------- my  husband was interesting to me.  I'd never lived with a man and I wondered about him.  Like, what do men do on their "off" time from work and home?  I checked things out.  One word . . . Boring!!!  He does his manly talking about sports, meeting up for a beer once in a while, talking about so and so, etc.  All threats to our relationship in terms of people were eliminated when we married and not because we ever discussed it.  We just both take it seriously that we are a couple and no one should be able to make the other person uncomfortable in any way.  So, we have a pretty safe circle of people in our life and I guess that is kind of nice.  Not worried.  Never say never----------  but I don't think my husband will let down his armor of being a MARRIED MAN and let someone that could hurt that in.

Those who routinely search-----------  my question is always------- why?  I think they should work on their relationship and stregthen it so that it doesn't feel necessary to check up on someone.  But . . .  if someone is hiding things---------  or being secretive--------  well, is it the "right" of a spouse to search?  I couldn't say that it is but I don't blame someone for looking.

My 2 cents.

[Ashelen]

Well I agree with you. I don't hide anything from my husband and vice versa. I've vented about him here on MH said some pretty nasty things when he's gotten me upset, but there's nothing I've said here that I wouldn't let him see. I have all of his passwords and know all of his friends, and know all of their numbers and vice versa with he and my friends/info. Because we're so transparent with one another, I don't feel like I have to worry any more than any other person normally worries. (which is to say if it's brought up yes of course there's always that part of me going "what if?" but the majority of my life it's not something I worry about).

I do NOT agree with married couples hiding things from one another. When people say "my husband needs to respect my privacy"...I don't get that. Not to say it doesn't work for other people, or that it's bad, but I just don't GET it. Why would you need to hide ANYthing from your husband? "well, I'm not hiding things, I Just value my privacy"well...I don't see why you would get married, in that case.

I am a Christian so I truly believe that a married couple are One and should have no secrets or privacy between them. However, I recognize that not everyone feels this way. I don't understand the other school of thought, but that's OK, I don't have to :-).