My first post here but I am looking for real advice from people who do not know me therefore are unbiased.
I have added a long statement so that you can get a grasp of the bigger picture, but I can asure you it is worse than what I have wrote.
I am 51 years of age and have been divorced for 17 years but had 2 sons from the marriage. My eldest son, now 21, lives with his mother whilst my youngest son, now 19, has lives with myself for the past 6 years.
After my divorce I moved back to live with my mother but eventually found my own place just over 8 years ago.
I had a major operation on my spine 11 years ago and now I am registered disabled although I am not in a wheelchair.
Previous I was employed as an Area Sales Manager but now survive on disability benefits.
At around 8 years ago I met my current girlfriend and my only girlfriend since my divorce, and quickly moved in with me at my new home.
My girlfriend is 10 years younger than myself and has lived a somewhat sheltered life. She is not the brightest of people and has had very little experience of life.
She has never been married and does not want children.
The currently works at a local supermarket, so is not a career girl.
She is heavily influenced by her father.
Her father is a very selfish man and domineering, so much so that his wife (a lovely woman) is not speaking to her 2 brother or 3 sisters or sending birthday/Christmas cards. Whilst he spends £1000's on his musical hobby (plays keyboard) and money on old film reels for his projector his wife is not allowed to buy a £10 pair of bottoms from Primark. I heard him say "You have bottoms in the wardrobe, you don't need another pair". Yet he buys himself a computer, 2 laptops, amplifiers, speakers, microphones and much more without a blink of the eye.
He has a car but makes his wife walk to the local shop which is almost a mile away, and then carry the shopping home. She had an operation on her back several years ago and is often in pain.
I suggested to my girlfriend that she and her mother should spend some time at the shops together, a girly thing. I know her mother would love that bit of independence and freedom.
It was organised and they went to the shops. On her return I asked what was her day like, did they go to the lingerie shops and look at dresses etc, only to find out that her father went with them.
Today (for example) my girlfriend had a doctor’s appointment. Her father insisted they he went with her (she’s 41 years of age).
I also found out today that she is going off tomorrow with her parents, I’m not invited, in fact only knew this today.
My girlfriend will sometimes go to a car boot sale with her parents but again I’m not invited and don’t hear about it until the evening before.
Also when she goes to her parents on a Sunday I might say that dinner will be ready at 6.30 and she arrives home at 7.00 (I am the cook in the household as she does not have a clue). Again if she visits her parents (I have no problem with that) I will phone her and ask what time she would want dinner only to be told she’s had dinner at her parents. When I visit her parents I get a cup of tea and a biscuit (cookie).
She has secretly placed her name on the housing register (again because of her father).
She does not like my son. He is unemployed and often talking to friends via the internet. She says to me “Turn the internet off”.
Her father is always giving advice on finding work and will even get application forms for my son. Her father is always saying there is a job at their local store, gets an application form etc, whilst that store is 3 miles from my home and my son has no transport. Her father even wanted to discuss my son’s job search at my home.
Instead of offering advice he wants to dominate my life and my son’s life too. His other 2 daughters hardly ever speak with him or visit. His only son lives about 100 miles away and visits about 3 times a year. His wife told me she dreads visiting her in-laws.
My girlfriend instead of asking me for advice first will secretly telephone her father for advice. She often speaks with him from work or from the car whilst parked, again secretly. I have no problem with her visiting her parents, telephoning her parents or going on trips with her parents. I have tried to persuade her to have a more social life and go out from time to time with work colleagues. I am an unselfish and open person and all this secrecy stuff is annoying me.
We only have sex once or twice a month. She loves me giving her all the attention and foreplay and giving her multiple orgasms but she does not return the favour.
Everything is one sided in the bedroom.
As I previous stated, I am on disability benefit and my income is half of my girlfriend’s income. She insists on only paying half, that’s half the rent, council tax, utility bills, food bill. After paying half of everything I have no money for myself.
I have suggested a joint bank account so to pay bills by direct debit but she refuses,
I have to ask then ask again for her half of a bill and occasionally get penalised for late payment. Again this is annoying me, why should I have to nag for half the bill?
If she was not living here then I would be entitled to more benefits and would be over £200 a month financially better off.
I am the house keeper although I have a disability. I cook, clean, vacuum and do the washing. I look after my girlfriend, always give compliments. I even help her when she’s buying clothes saying things like “wow! That’s nice it really suits you” or “Mmmm I’m not sure, what do you think?” I take her off somewhere almost every week, usually a shopping centre in a different city (which she loves) but also to the seaside or an arboretum or a place of interest. When I ask her if she would like to go to a zoo (so I can take photographs) she won’t.
Am I flogging a dead horse here?
Is it time to call it a day and kick her out?
I am a very monogamous person and would never cheat on her or anyone else
Well it sounds like if you kick the girlfriend out you wouldn't be able to pay bills at all.....
I think on the bills aspect it's kind of selfish for you....But that's just my personal opinion. You're not married and you let her move in, so the fact that she pays anything is nice....
As far as being sneaky...If her father is controlling and she grew up with him she may think that this is normal, so she seems justified in going to him for everything...If she's keeping it secret she may be afraid you wouldn't like her seeking her fathers advice and it may stress her out so she doesn't tell you. She's probably had bad experience with past boyfriends and this.
The rest of the stuff about not telling you when she'll be home and eating dinner without you and not telling you, that's just common courtesy. I think that is something very important that should be discussed one on one.
I don't really know of any of that stuff as being cause to kick someone out. If you care for her and love her those things are things that can be worked through....
If you don't care for her and don't love her.....then why didn't you kick her out a long time ago??
But again, it's all my opinion so it's worth what it cost you.
I know 10 years is a long time but from what you describe...I think it's time to call it quits. She doesn't seem to be devoted to the relationship. She's too stuck up her parents behinds. Not only that but the constant nagging of your son is unacceptable. It's not their place to tell him where to work, when to work or get involved in your lives. They're not your parents. They're not his grandparents. The only people who can tell him to get a job are you and your exwife. Not even your g/f. She's not his stepmother. She's your gf.
I really think it's time to put your foot down and say enough is enough. If she wants to be miserable stuck with her mom and dad, fine let her. If her mom wants to be miserable with her dad, fine let her. You and your son don't have to be. You've put in more than enough time with them and honestly they sound horrible.
Had you read all that I wrote you would see that I would be better off financially without her.
I am disabled but do not qualify for certain benefits because the g/f lives with me. Benefits in the U.K are based on total household income. I would qualify for housing benefit and council tax benefit plus I would also qualify for free prescription (medication).
After paying the above I would be over £100 in my pocket better off, plus free prescription and other things.
Quote: "The fact that she pays anything is nice". So you think she should have a free ride, free food, free housing, free telephone, free water, free internet access, free electricity? and me cooking, washing and cleaning for her? Get real.
It'll be hard but look at the bigger picture. Do you really want her father ruling your life? You're not a teenager or a baby. You're 51. You don't need an overbearing father, that isn't even yours, telling you and your son what to do and how to do it. If she enjoys being a 41 years old teenager...let her. That's her choice.
I do know what you mean by being a softy. I am one to but there does come a point and time when you have to put your foot down and say enough is enough. If you don't want to flat out kick her out give her an ultimatium. She grows up and tells daddy dear to back the heck off or she can go back to living with them and the relationship is going to the back burner. You have to do what's best for you and your son. I don't know how you put up with that for 10 years. My mother, she was overbearing. It drove my dh crazy. We've only been married for 2 years (together for 5) and even I'd finally had enough of it and told her to stop. (She lives an hour away and was at our house for 3-4 days a week. Now it's once or twice every 2-4 weeks.
I try to do what is best for everyone, my son, my g/f then me.
I am an unselfish person and put everyone else ahead of myself.
If I do have spare cash then I generally spend it on my son or g/f although it is me that needs a new pair of shoes.
I treat her well and never abuse her, insult her or shout at her.
I am a believer than woman should always be treated well and it hard, very hard, for me to be cruel or nasty.
I would not regret kicking her out as I have a large family and good friends for support plus I would be financially better off. Yes sex with a woman is important but even that is mainly one sided. Yet that final step in saying "enough is enough" is difficult, it's not in my nature.
If I was living at her home then it would be much easier as I would pack my bags and just leave, but this is my home.
Well, you have every right to end a relationship that is not working for you. That is the bottom line. You are an adult and if you aren't happy then you aren't happy. Time for a change.
Buy yes, you are flogging a dead horse by all of the complaints about her. This is the way you set up the household with her. Hard to come back 8 years later and complain about it. It is what it is. Perhaps her father helps her financially and emotionally and quite frankly, she sounds like a woman/child in my opinion. I've never needed anyone at 41 to go to the doctor with me . . . So, you picked her in the begining. She's the same now as she was then. No need to complain about it and just move on.
MrS, I don't know why you're still with her actually. I think if you tell her she has to move out she'd be back at her parent's house by the end of the business day, which would please her AND them very much because she still (even though her father is horrid) wants to be viewed as the "good child" among her siblings. Good riddance. She wants to be daddy's little favorite girl more than she wants to be a grown woman.
I also will say, if you are able to give good sex and run a household, you could certainly hold a job although you have an injury. I don't know what the financial structure is in Great Britain with disability, whether you're making more on disability than you could make in a professional job salary.
You're only 51. I think you should attempt to break through at this time and reinvent yourself, and re-enter the work force, and kick this woman to the curb.
Again, I will state I don't know what the disability income structure is there. I just think you'd be MUCH more happy working and supporting yourself. It would give you wings.
Thank you RockRose and specialmom gor your answers.
I can no longer hold a job as I am in constant pain. Some days the pain is so great that I am on the floor in tears. I have spinal stenosis so my nerves are being crushed. I have more better days than bad days but an employer does not want that. There one day and not another day. I am unable to lift as this compresses the spine and runing is impossible, Sitting still too long or standing too long causes pain.
I get a fraction (about a quarter) of what I was earning when I was well.
I am not working because of choice.
Given a woman attention (good sex as you put it) is generally done whilst lying down. Yes I am still in pain but a man must keep his woman happy in bed as well as out.
Yes she is a woman/child and daddy's little girl even at 41 years of age.
When she moved in 8 years ago I thought she would become more independant and start thinking for herself.
I also hoped she would discuss things with me (her partner/boyfriend). Yet she has been secretly discussing things with her father which is annoying. I don't understand the reason for all the secret phone calls.
He does not help her financially as he is officially retired but at 68 years of age he only retired 3 years ago but hasn't worked for approx 20 years.
Tonight she came in from work, never said "hello" or anything. Made a cup of tea and went upstairs to use her laptop and then went to bed.
it sounds like she too much of a mummy and daddys girl and cant tell them to keep their nose out, and that goes to say she thinks more of them than you, its good shes paying half the bills but thats not everything in a relationship because of the bedroom business thats important too it isnt going both ways she should give and take in that area
i know what its like to be stuck with a mummys girl in a way my boyf is all mummy he listens to everything she says but when it comes to me he acts deaf, and if started to go out with his mum at 28 id pack his bags for him and leave them on the doorstep good luck with whatever you choose to do xx
Sorry this response is late, but it may help others
Your "relationship" is based on an inbalance of power. She is dysfunctional and life-impaired, not age appropriate for you (emotion age difference much worse)...her father relationship shows she knows only how to follow in his abuse, her victim dynamics *ALL* she brings to the table. Does this vulnerable victim appeal to you? You had better assess your involvement in the failing of your last relationship. Do you represent father to her? Does all this sound imbalanced yet? Sound like the set-up for abuse cycle? How are you feeling? A little stripped of power now? What with the disability and lame-duck excuses frustrating and denying who you really are? Denial and fear. Refusal to adapt and cope appropriately with your new condition. Self hatred and self sabotage are your business until you bring an even more vulnerable, beat-up dysfunctional victim into this doomed cohabitation. What are your goals in life, aside from this relationship of convenience? All guys like some warm fuzzy around. This can't be what your mom and dad had dreamed for you.
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