Sorry this response is late, but it may help others
Your "relationship" is based on an inbalance of power. She is dysfunctional and life-impaired, not age appropriate for you (emotion age difference much worse)...her father relationship shows she knows only how to follow in his abuse, her victim dynamics *ALL* she brings to the table. Does this vulnerable victim appeal to you? You had better assess your involvement in the failing of your last relationship. Do you represent father to her? Does all this sound imbalanced yet? Sound like the set-up for abuse cycle? How are you feeling? A little stripped of power now? What with the disability and lame-duck excuses frustrating and denying who you really are? Denial and fear. Refusal to adapt and cope appropriately with your new condition. Self hatred and self sabotage are your business until you bring an even more vulnerable, beat-up dysfunctional victim into this doomed cohabitation. What are your goals in life, aside from this relationship of convenience? All guys like some warm fuzzy around. This can't be what your mom and dad had dreamed for you.
it sounds like she too much of a mummy and daddys girl and cant tell them to keep their nose out, and that goes to say she thinks more of them than you, its good shes paying half the bills but thats not everything in a relationship because of the bedroom business thats important too it isnt going both ways she should give and take in that area
i know what its like to be stuck with a mummys girl in a way my boyf is all mummy he listens to everything she says but when it comes to me he acts deaf, and if started to go out with his mum at 28 id pack his bags for him and leave them on the doorstep good luck with whatever you choose to do xx
Honestly, you sound like roommates. Roommates aren't a bad thing as long as both agree to it.
Time to move on, good luck!
Thank you RockRose and specialmom gor your answers.
I can no longer hold a job as I am in constant pain. Some days the pain is so great that I am on the floor in tears. I have spinal stenosis so my nerves are being crushed. I have more better days than bad days but an employer does not want that. There one day and not another day. I am unable to lift as this compresses the spine and runing is impossible, Sitting still too long or standing too long causes pain.
I get a fraction (about a quarter) of what I was earning when I was well.
I am not working because of choice.
Given a woman attention (good sex as you put it) is generally done whilst lying down. Yes I am still in pain but a man must keep his woman happy in bed as well as out.
Yes she is a woman/child and daddy's little girl even at 41 years of age.
When she moved in 8 years ago I thought she would become more independant and start thinking for herself.
I also hoped she would discuss things with me (her partner/boyfriend). Yet she has been secretly discussing things with her father which is annoying. I don't understand the reason for all the secret phone calls.
He does not help her financially as he is officially retired but at 68 years of age he only retired 3 years ago but hasn't worked for approx 20 years.
Tonight she came in from work, never said "hello" or anything. Made a cup of tea and went upstairs to use her laptop and then went to bed.
MrS, I don't know why you're still with her actually. I think if you tell her she has to move out she'd be back at her parent's house by the end of the business day, which would please her AND them very much because she still (even though her father is horrid) wants to be viewed as the "good child" among her siblings. Good riddance. She wants to be daddy's little favorite girl more than she wants to be a grown woman.
I also will say, if you are able to give good sex and run a household, you could certainly hold a job although you have an injury. I don't know what the financial structure is in Great Britain with disability, whether you're making more on disability than you could make in a professional job salary.
You're only 51. I think you should attempt to break through at this time and reinvent yourself, and re-enter the work force, and kick this woman to the curb.
Again, I will state I don't know what the disability income structure is there. I just think you'd be MUCH more happy working and supporting yourself. It would give you wings.
Well, you have every right to end a relationship that is not working for you. That is the bottom line. You are an adult and if you aren't happy then you aren't happy. Time for a change.
Buy yes, you are flogging a dead horse by all of the complaints about her. This is the way you set up the household with her. Hard to come back 8 years later and complain about it. It is what it is. Perhaps her father helps her financially and emotionally and quite frankly, she sounds like a woman/child in my opinion. I've never needed anyone at 41 to go to the doctor with me . . . So, you picked her in the begining. She's the same now as she was then. No need to complain about it and just move on.
good luck
Thanks again penwriter,
I try to do what is best for everyone, my son, my g/f then me.
I am an unselfish person and put everyone else ahead of myself.
If I do have spare cash then I generally spend it on my son or g/f although it is me that needs a new pair of shoes.
I treat her well and never abuse her, insult her or shout at her.
I am a believer than woman should always be treated well and it hard, very hard, for me to be cruel or nasty.
I would not regret kicking her out as I have a large family and good friends for support plus I would be financially better off. Yes sex with a woman is important but even that is mainly one sided. Yet that final step in saying "enough is enough" is difficult, it's not in my nature.
If I was living at her home then it would be much easier as I would pack my bags and just leave, but this is my home.
This is so, so difficult
It'll be hard but look at the bigger picture. Do you really want her father ruling your life? You're not a teenager or a baby. You're 51. You don't need an overbearing father, that isn't even yours, telling you and your son what to do and how to do it. If she enjoys being a 41 years old teenager...let her. That's her choice.
I do know what you mean by being a softy. I am one to but there does come a point and time when you have to put your foot down and say enough is enough. If you don't want to flat out kick her out give her an ultimatium. She grows up and tells daddy dear to back the heck off or she can go back to living with them and the relationship is going to the back burner. You have to do what's best for you and your son. I don't know how you put up with that for 10 years. My mother, she was overbearing. It drove my dh crazy. We've only been married for 2 years (together for 5) and even I'd finally had enough of it and told her to stop. (She lives an hour away and was at our house for 3-4 days a week. Now it's once or twice every 2-4 weeks.
You are right, she is not devoted to the relationship and regards her father as an all knowing god-like person.
It is difficult for me to say enough is enough. I'm too much of a softy and find it very difficult to be horrible to anyone.
Thank you for taking the time in answering my question.
Had you read all that I wrote you would see that I would be better off financially without her.
I am disabled but do not qualify for certain benefits because the g/f lives with me. Benefits in the U.K are based on total household income. I would qualify for housing benefit and council tax benefit plus I would also qualify for free prescription (medication).
After paying the above I would be over £100 in my pocket better off, plus free prescription and other things.
Quote: "The fact that she pays anything is nice". So you think she should have a free ride, free food, free housing, free telephone, free water, free internet access, free electricity? and me cooking, washing and cleaning for her? Get real.
I know 10 years is a long time but from what you describe...I think it's time to call it quits. She doesn't seem to be devoted to the relationship. She's too stuck up her parents behinds. Not only that but the constant nagging of your son is unacceptable. It's not their place to tell him where to work, when to work or get involved in your lives. They're not your parents. They're not his grandparents. The only people who can tell him to get a job are you and your exwife. Not even your g/f. She's not his stepmother. She's your gf.
I really think it's time to put your foot down and say enough is enough. If she wants to be miserable stuck with her mom and dad, fine let her. If her mom wants to be miserable with her dad, fine let her. You and your son don't have to be. You've put in more than enough time with them and honestly they sound horrible.
Well it sounds like if you kick the girlfriend out you wouldn't be able to pay bills at all.....
I think on the bills aspect it's kind of selfish for you....But that's just my personal opinion. You're not married and you let her move in, so the fact that she pays anything is nice....
As far as being sneaky...If her father is controlling and she grew up with him she may think that this is normal, so she seems justified in going to him for everything...If she's keeping it secret she may be afraid you wouldn't like her seeking her fathers advice and it may stress her out so she doesn't tell you. She's probably had bad experience with past boyfriends and this.
The rest of the stuff about not telling you when she'll be home and eating dinner without you and not telling you, that's just common courtesy. I think that is something very important that should be discussed one on one.
I don't really know of any of that stuff as being cause to kick someone out. If you care for her and love her those things are things that can be worked through....
If you don't care for her and don't love her.....then why didn't you kick her out a long time ago??
But again, it's all my opinion so it's worth what it cost you.