Aa
Do i need to be patient?
Just recently i posted on the abuse community. I was talking about my boyfriend whom seems either bipolar or is just emotionally angry.
In the past i dated my childrens father, whom was a addict, cheater, liar and very selfish and irresponsible. So much so that he hasn't seen his kids in years and he lives 20 minutes away. Well that guy was the death of me (but im alive lol). After that i decided to find someone nothing like him. So i met my now and current boyfriend whom is honest, not a cheater, responsible, loving and doesn't smoke or drink, he likes to box and so on.
Well the issue is that my boyfriend has these periods where he withdraws, he can get upset over anything and yes he takes it out on me. He doesn't call me names he just withdraws, and if i try to talk to him he will be rude and distant. I being the codependent Betty that i am, i freak out everytime. Instead of giving him space i hound him, text or call or whatever. It's hard for me to let him be.. Sometimes it's hurtfull because my kids notice all that and he can withdraw from them too. He is way nicer to them tho. so that they won't notice. I'd be lying if i didn't saay i walk on egg shells, because he can get mad over anything. I honestly don't know what to do sometimes.. It ***** because he is so sweet and so caring and i trust him so much. He never hides anyting.. when he gets mad and leaves he will usually go to the gym or something. Which is reasurring especially after the ex i had.... Im confused...
In the past i dated my childrens father, whom was a addict, cheater, liar and very selfish and irresponsible. So much so that he hasn't seen his kids in years and he lives 20 minutes away. Well that guy was the death of me (but im alive lol). After that i decided to find someone nothing like him. So i met my now and current boyfriend whom is honest, not a cheater, responsible, loving and doesn't smoke or drink, he likes to box and so on.
Well the issue is that my boyfriend has these periods where he withdraws, he can get upset over anything and yes he takes it out on me. He doesn't call me names he just withdraws, and if i try to talk to him he will be rude and distant. I being the codependent Betty that i am, i freak out everytime. Instead of giving him space i hound him, text or call or whatever. It's hard for me to let him be.. Sometimes it's hurtfull because my kids notice all that and he can withdraw from them too. He is way nicer to them tho. so that they won't notice. I'd be lying if i didn't saay i walk on egg shells, because he can get mad over anything. I honestly don't know what to do sometimes.. It ***** because he is so sweet and so caring and i trust him so much. He never hides anyting.. when he gets mad and leaves he will usually go to the gym or something. Which is reasurring especially after the ex i had.... Im confused...
Mami1323 yes what you said is exactly what i do. I revolve everything around him. It's like i don't have a life of my own. I try to have one though, before getting so involved with him i was this party animal. So technically i knew nothing else. Don't get me wrong it was fun and i had a lot of "friends" but i soon discovered my alcoholism (exactly 10 years worth). Thanks to myself and him i got help. He was supportive with my meetings which means a lot. He also likes taking credit for that. I didn't really pay attention to my kids i mean i was a provider and so on but i wasn't too involved as i am now.
He never ever tells me not to go anywhere or anything. He also isn't the jealous type, i have freedom. I have just chosen to cling to him and that's bad.. I wasn't doing nails for a while and went back to it so i am happy for that. But yes i constantly think to myself what it is i can do? I don't want the old addicted me back but i do want to be the old social me. I really liked what you had to say mami... because i have had boyfriends who were so nice and forgiving and i just walked allover them. I was rude and so fourth and they forgave me. So i know i enable the heck out of him. I don't want to be a B**** but maybe if i stopped talking to him when he is like that it will make things less harsh. Also give him the space he is asking for, because he planely tells me to just leave him be. I will never know if i don't try to change my behavior.
Teko... He can help how he chooses to be it's not like he can't. If i can quit drinking knowing that i crave it till this day he can recognize his triggers aswell. I am scared of being alone so therefore i don't hold to my guns. I kinda hope to get to the point where it's either he quits what he is doing or i am gone. I know i will get to that point. I would love to say that i am leaving today and so fourth but that is where the work with myself has to be done. I need to build strength, esteem and understanding and also quit my behavior. I guess i try to be the hurt puppy so that he can see how he hurts me. That never works! Neither does feeling sorry for myself.
He never ever tells me not to go anywhere or anything. He also isn't the jealous type, i have freedom. I have just chosen to cling to him and that's bad.. I wasn't doing nails for a while and went back to it so i am happy for that. But yes i constantly think to myself what it is i can do? I don't want the old addicted me back but i do want to be the old social me. I really liked what you had to say mami... because i have had boyfriends who were so nice and forgiving and i just walked allover them. I was rude and so fourth and they forgave me. So i know i enable the heck out of him. I don't want to be a B**** but maybe if i stopped talking to him when he is like that it will make things less harsh. Also give him the space he is asking for, because he planely tells me to just leave him be. I will never know if i don't try to change my behavior.
Teko... He can help how he chooses to be it's not like he can't. If i can quit drinking knowing that i crave it till this day he can recognize his triggers aswell. I am scared of being alone so therefore i don't hold to my guns. I kinda hope to get to the point where it's either he quits what he is doing or i am gone. I know i will get to that point. I would love to say that i am leaving today and so fourth but that is where the work with myself has to be done. I need to build strength, esteem and understanding and also quit my behavior. I guess i try to be the hurt puppy so that he can see how he hurts me. That never works! Neither does feeling sorry for myself.
As long as you are understanding of his meanness, it continues because he can now blame the disease and say sorry later. Who else gets to do that? He has to take responsibility and sickness or not, he CAN help it and chooses not too cause he knows you will forgive him. I gaurantee you if you quit enabling him or forgiving him he will stop. Whether he gets help or not. Its is up to you if you are going to allow him to use it to get away with his terrible behavior. How do I know this? Been there and done that. As soon as my husband quit allowing my to use my excuses and told me to either stop and get to the doctor for help or get out. I suddenly found I could control my emotions... Gee who knew?Tough love is in order im afraid. He can be sick and mean but not at your expense, at least not without consequences and that is his choice to pay em or not.
You remind me so much of myself. Every relationship I've ever been in I'm the one who is always giving and giving. I put the needs of the man I was with ahead of my own. I think it's a need and a desire to be loved. I know I had many issues with abandonment and my absentee father and I think that I became overly clingy to the men I was with because I had a fear of being alone. Even to this day I tend to stay home if my husband is working or if he doesn't feel like doing anything. But all it does is cause huge resentment. So usually I make my own plans with my friends and their kids and I've developed some interests of my own. Met some new women to hang out with. It's definitely scary because doing anything outside of your comfort zone can be frightening but it is soooo fulfilling. Once you stop revolving your life around your relationship and start focusing on your own happiness, you will realize that you can do just fine without him. Just take a week and do things that you want to do. Believe me, you will feel the difference and I can bet you he will see one as well. We are too easily available and catering sometimes and we allow them to take advantage of that. Not that they do it on purpose but wouldn't you if someone was bending over backwards for you?
I am at a point where i am scared. I do get tired of everything with all honesty. Who wants to be scared all the time? Little things set him off... It's like he is two people.. He is really sweet,loving,helpfull and funny... then he is this mean heartless guy almost. When he gets that way there is no talking to him. I get scared of setting boundries because if i say something like "you need to get help or you will lose us", I know he will say "fine you can go but i am going to be how i am". I always think that in time it will happen and i hope towards him caring enough to get help. But like many men i have dated he says "that once it's over it is over". Thats the part that scares me..(being alone).. i really love him and i love how he can and is with us. He has great parenting skills... But yes i know that it is obiviously not good... I have so many insecurities that keep me there with him. If only he saw a doctor and took medication or something..
mami1323 you said it.. i have to care about me and my children more. Right now i know that by sticking through his moods i am folding. It hurts because my self worth is low. Just because i allow him to kick me around emotionally. If he doesn't want to do something we dont do it.. and he is quick to say "you go" you do it.. "i don't want to" and thats that. I am the one who bends over backwards and am way too nice.. This post is making me cry.. I am a pretty girl but i have a lot of issues and me clinging on the hurt is not good. As a mother that hurts the most... Thanks you guys for commenting back.. Right now all i can do is pray to help me get through the anxiety and for strength.
mami1323 you said it.. i have to care about me and my children more. Right now i know that by sticking through his moods i am folding. It hurts because my self worth is low. Just because i allow him to kick me around emotionally. If he doesn't want to do something we dont do it.. and he is quick to say "you go" you do it.. "i don't want to" and thats that. I am the one who bends over backwards and am way too nice.. This post is making me cry.. I am a pretty girl but i have a lot of issues and me clinging on the hurt is not good. As a mother that hurts the most... Thanks you guys for commenting back.. Right now all i can do is pray to help me get through the anxiety and for strength.
I was diagnosed as "clinically depressed" quite some time ago. Your boyfriends symptoms and mine were very similar. I would not be the least bit surprised if he weren't in the same boat.
I believe that you mentioned above that he has acknowledged that he has some issues, but think you also said he did nothing/does nothing about them. That is a shame.... I too did nothing for 14 years. 14 years I wasted, of my wife and childrens lives. Not all of it was bad, but the depression was always there. Shameful that it took the horrible thing it did for me to finally get help for my issues.
Acknowledging is the first step, seeking help is the next. Follow through, and a lot of homework and checking in are the maintenance program. Once you get going on it, it is very, very doable.
I'd really suggest that if your plan is to stay around, help this guy make the decision to get help. Let him know that you are right there beside him. Tell him that a healthy him makes a healthy you, and that makes a wonderful both of you. Let him know that you'll go to every meeting you can.... heck, go together.
The help is out there....
I believe that you mentioned above that he has acknowledged that he has some issues, but think you also said he did nothing/does nothing about them. That is a shame.... I too did nothing for 14 years. 14 years I wasted, of my wife and childrens lives. Not all of it was bad, but the depression was always there. Shameful that it took the horrible thing it did for me to finally get help for my issues.
Acknowledging is the first step, seeking help is the next. Follow through, and a lot of homework and checking in are the maintenance program. Once you get going on it, it is very, very doable.
I'd really suggest that if your plan is to stay around, help this guy make the decision to get help. Let him know that you are right there beside him. Tell him that a healthy him makes a healthy you, and that makes a wonderful both of you. Let him know that you'll go to every meeting you can.... heck, go together.
The help is out there....
Oh man honey, I do feel for you. After one bad situation you only hope not to go through anymore heartache. All I can say is that you should think about moving forward without him. You can't change someone, if he thinks there is something wrong with him, he will have to realize it and get the help he needs on his own. No matter how much you care about him, you have to care about yourself and your children more. They are young and will not be able to process his withdraws as a grown up would. They will personalize it and think that they did something wrong. They won't understand it. Just think how it confuses you.
Just a side note, my bestfriend was married to a man who struggled with ADD, Bi-Polar disorder, Alcoholism and severe anxiety for 15 years of her life. It didn't start out as bad as it wound up. She spent most of her 20's being mentally and emotionally abused by him. He would disconnect himself frequently and she found her existence with him to be very lonely and stressful. Ending that marriage was the hardest thing she ever had to do. They share a son together and his son suffers from his father's behavior. It makes her so mad to think she wasted much of her life in this unhappy situation. The only positive thing she got out of the relationship with him was her beautiful son. Being with someone like this is extremely draining.
Good luck with your decision. I hope you find peace in whatever decisions you make.
Just a side note, my bestfriend was married to a man who struggled with ADD, Bi-Polar disorder, Alcoholism and severe anxiety for 15 years of her life. It didn't start out as bad as it wound up. She spent most of her 20's being mentally and emotionally abused by him. He would disconnect himself frequently and she found her existence with him to be very lonely and stressful. Ending that marriage was the hardest thing she ever had to do. They share a son together and his son suffers from his father's behavior. It makes her so mad to think she wasted much of her life in this unhappy situation. The only positive thing she got out of the relationship with him was her beautiful son. Being with someone like this is extremely draining.
Good luck with your decision. I hope you find peace in whatever decisions you make.
Thank you Ladies...
Specialmom as far as the "good" time goes. It always works! Meaning he does talk about it and when he has had this episodes at the end he will apologize and recognize his behavior. He says that he always tells me to go away get away to protect me/us. Because he doesn't want to be mean or hurtfull. Me being codependent, i freak out and cling harder. I say things like "why dont you want to hang out with us, we want to be with you and so on". I am not taking responsibility for his moods in the first place. But my neediness does not allow him to think or take responsibility. I need to work on myself....
He needs help and that's great that he recognizes his issues but that's as far as it goes. Only if and when i set boundries things will be different.. at least for me and my kids. I get to caught up in babying him..! Not good.. Teko you are very right and i have moments like yesterday where i break down. Because he gets so rude and nit picks about things. I called my counselor and really need to work on my recovery...
Specialmom as far as the "good" time goes. It always works! Meaning he does talk about it and when he has had this episodes at the end he will apologize and recognize his behavior. He says that he always tells me to go away get away to protect me/us. Because he doesn't want to be mean or hurtfull. Me being codependent, i freak out and cling harder. I say things like "why dont you want to hang out with us, we want to be with you and so on". I am not taking responsibility for his moods in the first place. But my neediness does not allow him to think or take responsibility. I need to work on myself....
He needs help and that's great that he recognizes his issues but that's as far as it goes. Only if and when i set boundries things will be different.. at least for me and my kids. I get to caught up in babying him..! Not good.. Teko you are very right and i have moments like yesterday where i break down. Because he gets so rude and nit picks about things. I called my counselor and really need to work on my recovery...
Right now it is his problem that effects the both of you. Before long you will be depressed as well and then who will help either of you? You need to see if he is going to get help for his issue or use it to get what he wants, when he wants.
He needs some space and time to deal with his problems apart from you, and you need some space to see if that is a road you truly want to go down.
He needs some space and time to deal with his problems apart from you, and you need some space to see if that is a road you truly want to go down.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Here is the thing--------- what is going to influence him to seek help? Certainly, going along with the problem and normalizing it won't. I almost feel you have no option but to leave and see if he sees how his mental issues are impacting his relationships. Another thing to do is to talk about what is happening during a "good" time. If he blows up or gets mad or again withdraws because of it, then this is an answer for you as to what the future holds. OR if you are afraid to 'ruin' a good mood because the bad moods swing in so easily, then again, that is a very bad sign.
So, talk to him when in a "good" mood in a way that shares what he is doing and how it makes you feel. Tell him then that you are concerned for him and want him to 'feel' better and perhaps a doctor as well as a psychologist to talk to would help. If he does it, awesome!! If he gets mad, becomes silent or refueses--------- you really have no choice but to set your boundary and move on. . Sometimes, losing someone is what it takes for someone to get help. good luck
So, talk to him when in a "good" mood in a way that shares what he is doing and how it makes you feel. Tell him then that you are concerned for him and want him to 'feel' better and perhaps a doctor as well as a psychologist to talk to would help. If he does it, awesome!! If he gets mad, becomes silent or refueses--------- you really have no choice but to set your boundary and move on. . Sometimes, losing someone is what it takes for someone to get help. good luck
yes i know this :-( .... he is too proud to get help. I can't say when because it affects his kids too. He tells me that when he gets that way it's nothing personal that he just is weird. I have never been in a realtionship like this.. but i am here to learn. I am a mom though and i have a responsibility to my children. On a good note i can teach them so much... I have my unstable days tho.. Where i can't handle it.. some of that is because i want to fix fix fix fix...
The way you describe him in your second post makes me lean towards him being Bipolar.If this is the case he needs to be diagnosed by a professional to help with the sudden and unpredictable mood swings.
Thank you ladies,,
When i was with my ex i did seek counseling and have been in contact with her since 2008. She told me that i will keep climbing up the ladder, meaning i set boundries after my ex and will set them after my bf.
I don't think he will get counselling or medication. He is divorced and his ex hates him so. She always would jerk him around and tell him to get meds.
I do see his withdrawing as harsh because one day we can be perfect and ready to have a great day. Then all of a sudden he ruins it, this in and out thing is hurtfull. I hate it! on my hand i need to learn to be content with me. Instead of needing him so much! It's like i get so anxious then i start to kiss up which doesn't let him take responsibility for his actions. My kids like him a lot but maybe it's because he is better than their dad. I have learned a lot about my copdenendcy and i always ask for help. I was an addict myself still am just don't drink anymore. I couldn't handle the lack of clarity.
I want to give him all the chance in the world. But i can't help but get to thinking that it's not what i want. I want him to be the guy i love but that's not to realistic. I believe he loves us but his depression is unstable. He can be so loving im serious he can and when it comes to providing he will give me his last dollar.
I have basically made a pact with myself that i need to learn to let him withdraw. Like i need to not care so much, not beg and plead and be the victim. It's when i will know if i can handle this or not. I want it to work out i really do. Sometimes when he is mean and can be distant or what not he will do little things that shows he is sorry. But his mood swings are like clock work they are always expected.
I read and ask and try to learn i mean it's all i can do if i am ot walking away... what yall think?
When i was with my ex i did seek counseling and have been in contact with her since 2008. She told me that i will keep climbing up the ladder, meaning i set boundries after my ex and will set them after my bf.
I don't think he will get counselling or medication. He is divorced and his ex hates him so. She always would jerk him around and tell him to get meds.
I do see his withdrawing as harsh because one day we can be perfect and ready to have a great day. Then all of a sudden he ruins it, this in and out thing is hurtfull. I hate it! on my hand i need to learn to be content with me. Instead of needing him so much! It's like i get so anxious then i start to kiss up which doesn't let him take responsibility for his actions. My kids like him a lot but maybe it's because he is better than their dad. I have learned a lot about my copdenendcy and i always ask for help. I was an addict myself still am just don't drink anymore. I couldn't handle the lack of clarity.
I want to give him all the chance in the world. But i can't help but get to thinking that it's not what i want. I want him to be the guy i love but that's not to realistic. I believe he loves us but his depression is unstable. He can be so loving im serious he can and when it comes to providing he will give me his last dollar.
I have basically made a pact with myself that i need to learn to let him withdraw. Like i need to not care so much, not beg and plead and be the victim. It's when i will know if i can handle this or not. I want it to work out i really do. Sometimes when he is mean and can be distant or what not he will do little things that shows he is sorry. But his mood swings are like clock work they are always expected.
I read and ask and try to learn i mean it's all i can do if i am ot walking away... what yall think?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, A couple of things jump out at me. I'm wondering what you did to help understand how you wound up with the father of your children in the first place and decided to stay with him long enough to make the babies, etc. We have to do some self reflection along the way to understand how we have had different things happen to us during our life. Often there is a pattern of some sort and unless we work on that ---- the pattern repeats. You have found a better man but he doesn't sound like a healthy man, to be honest. You describe yourself as "codependent Betty". I am hoping you will consider some talk therapy to understand the patterns you have with people and to sort out what is a healthy relationship and what isn't.
Withdrawing, being silent, etc. is a form of manipulation. It is cruel and harsh. Silence can speak volumes and is a powerful tool. It is also a way that someone may be protecting themselves. He could be bipolar, depressed or just disconnected from feelings and that his how he handles it. No matter the cause----- it is not healthy.
We date people to find out the things we need to know about them in order to decide if we should move to the next level in the relationship or even if we should continue a relationship.
I would not continue a relationship with a man that is unhealthy emotionally. Especially with your past and because you have children. You can encourage him to seek therapy and treatment (treatment if he has a diagnosable mental health issue) and have any future relationship contingent on his doing so. But I wouldn't continue this unless he does indeed seek help.
And I think talking to a professional would be helpful for you to make sure you continue along the path of recognizing when someone has issues you shouldn't have to deal with. That is real progress. It just needs to be seen as a deal breaker by you. good luck dear.
Withdrawing, being silent, etc. is a form of manipulation. It is cruel and harsh. Silence can speak volumes and is a powerful tool. It is also a way that someone may be protecting themselves. He could be bipolar, depressed or just disconnected from feelings and that his how he handles it. No matter the cause----- it is not healthy.
We date people to find out the things we need to know about them in order to decide if we should move to the next level in the relationship or even if we should continue a relationship.
I would not continue a relationship with a man that is unhealthy emotionally. Especially with your past and because you have children. You can encourage him to seek therapy and treatment (treatment if he has a diagnosable mental health issue) and have any future relationship contingent on his doing so. But I wouldn't continue this unless he does indeed seek help.
And I think talking to a professional would be helpful for you to make sure you continue along the path of recognizing when someone has issues you shouldn't have to deal with. That is real progress. It just needs to be seen as a deal breaker by you. good luck dear.
Well....I didn't read the information on the abuse community, so I may not be getting the whole picture....but your boyfriend sounds more like he's suffering from severe depression than bi-polar (although that could be).
If he is willing to get counseling, I'd say be patient and see what pans out. If he's not physically or verbally or emotionally abusive, but he simply wants to be left alone - only you can decide if this is something you're willing to put up with. It's a good sign that he goes to the gym when he's frustrated or withdrawn, because that means that he recognizes his behavior isn't OK and he's trying to do something to fix it or to do something to feel better.
I honestly think you both need counseling. You need to learn to let him simply withdraw if he's overwhelmed or upset, and he needs to learn better ways to cope with his feelings. If you can both get a handle on this, and he's as great as you say he is, I'd say this relationship is probably worth fixing and waiting out. Especially if he makes extra effort to be kind to your children when he's upset...that shows that he's not just randomly lashing out (more typical of bi-polar) and that he really just wants to be left alone to cope with his feelings. His snapping isn't a great sign, but even I can snap when I'm depressed or anxious enough, especially if I just need time to sort my mind out and people aren't giving me that time (and I'm a super mellow wife and mother).
Especially with your history of your ex, I'm wary to say 100% that this relationship is worth being patient for, because there may be a lot of mental abuse going on that you don't recognize as wrong because you've been affected by toxic relationships in the past. However, if everything is TRULY as you describe..I'd say get both of your butts into counseling and work on this.
best of luck to you...but whatever happens, even if he doesn't go to counseling, you really need to...just to make sure you're not setting yourself up for a pattern of abusive relationships. Even when we are intelligent and sensitive people, we become changed by the abusive relationships in our past and even with the best intentions it's easy to get caught in a cycle because our expectations of what is "healthy" and "acceptable" in a relationship become warped by the abuse.
If he is willing to get counseling, I'd say be patient and see what pans out. If he's not physically or verbally or emotionally abusive, but he simply wants to be left alone - only you can decide if this is something you're willing to put up with. It's a good sign that he goes to the gym when he's frustrated or withdrawn, because that means that he recognizes his behavior isn't OK and he's trying to do something to fix it or to do something to feel better.
I honestly think you both need counseling. You need to learn to let him simply withdraw if he's overwhelmed or upset, and he needs to learn better ways to cope with his feelings. If you can both get a handle on this, and he's as great as you say he is, I'd say this relationship is probably worth fixing and waiting out. Especially if he makes extra effort to be kind to your children when he's upset...that shows that he's not just randomly lashing out (more typical of bi-polar) and that he really just wants to be left alone to cope with his feelings. His snapping isn't a great sign, but even I can snap when I'm depressed or anxious enough, especially if I just need time to sort my mind out and people aren't giving me that time (and I'm a super mellow wife and mother).
Especially with your history of your ex, I'm wary to say 100% that this relationship is worth being patient for, because there may be a lot of mental abuse going on that you don't recognize as wrong because you've been affected by toxic relationships in the past. However, if everything is TRULY as you describe..I'd say get both of your butts into counseling and work on this.
best of luck to you...but whatever happens, even if he doesn't go to counseling, you really need to...just to make sure you're not setting yourself up for a pattern of abusive relationships. Even when we are intelligent and sensitive people, we become changed by the abusive relationships in our past and even with the best intentions it's easy to get caught in a cycle because our expectations of what is "healthy" and "acceptable" in a relationship become warped by the abuse.
He,s seems a better man than your ex and you have expressed this,however he made need to seek some help if he is having constant mood swings,etc.He may just need to go to his doctor for some advice or he might need some meds to take the edge off.Other than this problem he appears to be almost the perfect man,so the sooner this problem is sorted the better.Suggest he see a doctor.All the best.
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