Domestic behaviour

[Ermintrude]

My daughter, married 14 years to my 45-year old son-in-law is troubled by his behaviour which amounts to domestic abuse.  She is near to leaving with her 2 children.  My concern is my son-in-law's state of mind.  He's a big chap, but to my mind not very confident.  Born after his father died;  mother married and new (step)father adopted him.  A step-sister came along and my feeling is that he has/is suffering from rejection (although he never wanted for anything) but I'm sure if I could talk to him he would admit that he always felt outside the family and when he became a father himself it was made poignantly clear what he should have had (love, affection) from his real father.  He is hyper-critical of my daughter (she is a qualified social worker) and picks holes in everything she does.  She can retaliate in strong terms, but she wants to get away from things like shouting in her face and being insulting.  He doesn't swear neither does he drink other than one glass of beer with a meal.  It don't think he knows how to change - and in any case men don't break down and cry or ask for help.  They have had church counsellors right through the marriage.

[brice1967]

You're welcome.  And him being completely forthcoming and telling the complete truth will be necessary to get to the bottom or the root of what is going on.  Holding anything back would result in failure regarding dealing with the problems.

Hopefully the church and the support system around will evoke all of the right moves.  I certainly hope so.

[Ermintrude]

Your very candid reply is endorsing my view that rock bottom needs to be hit.  They both have support from their charismatic church and my daughter has other contacts to lean on but unless the right questions are asked a lot will not be revealed.  My son-in-law is not very forthcoming so I can't say anything.  However, he and I can have normal conversation, so he can do it.

Thank you for your reply.

[Ermintrude]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.  You make a salient point - how does she get on with her father - normal love between them but not very understanding of each other.


Thank you.

[deadmemory]

I think she is a social worker...

I am so sorry about what is taking place in your DD's life. I can't give you any better advice. I do hope everything gets better for your family!

God bless, take care :)

Krystal

[brice1967]

I may have assumed that the daughter was a therapist....

[specialmom]

Oh, man,  I must not have had coffee when I read the post----  your daughter IS a therapist???  I had taken her social work status as not a therapist ----  sorry if I misinterpreted that.  

This makes it even clearer to me that your daughter has chosen to stay with him for some reason.  If she's suggested that he get help for is anger management issues (which yes, very true, can come out of depression and anxiety) and mental health issues, she has to leave to set up a stable environment for the kids.  

But I still suggest that she seek therapy to understand how she got here.  Wishing her (and you) luck

[brice1967]

I been through some of what your son in law has been through.  Although I did not abuse my wife and or kids, there certainly was a level of neglect that was brought on because of the depression I was diagnosed with and left untreated.

I'm no doctor, but your son in law does sound depressed.  You can liken depression to drug addiction in the fact that a depressed individual, like an addict, has to want help in order to get help.  I think one with a depression disorder has to hit "rock bottom" before they can look up and get the help that is necessary to get out of that hole.

Also, I feel for your daughter and the children.  They too because of this are in a bad spot.  There can't really be a comfortable position.  I'd imagine that she doesn't know when the next barrage will take place and living that uncomfortably will certainly be picked up by the children.

There is a lot of help out there, but your son in law has to want it.  He has to be willing to take the help and do the required work in order to make these behavioral adaptations.  It is a constant effort but does become easier with time.

Just a question... with your daughter being a therapist, does she have a support system at work that she can rely upon for her and the children's mental well being?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, sorry your daughter's marriage is falling apart.  Why did she marry him?  Why did she put up with how he treated her long enough to have two kids with him?  I ask these questions because they are important for her to get help with.  She's been codependent to any abuse he's given her.  Your daughter made choices for many years to go along with the way he was.  Two kids, 14 years later she must see that she played some role in the life she has.  If she doesn't own that, patterns often repeat and she could find another man that has issues all over again.  By the way, how was her relationship with her dad?  Just curious.

Well, just be a loving support to her and an ear to listen and arms to hug.  Try to stay neutral and encourage her to do some therapy to look at why she stayed and if she decides to ask him to go to therapy as a couple to resolve issues, try to be supportive.  That's hard as we are mama bears and if any person was mistreating one of my kids (no matter how old they are)----  I'd want to rip their face off (is that bad?)!!  We get very protective of our kids and rightfully so as their parent.  Try to temper it a bit just so she really works on her life rather than feeling like she could have done nothing about it.  good luck