Aa
Don't know what to do.
Hello,
This isn't really a question but I need to get this off my chest and I don't have anybody who I can talk to.
I found out 2 years ago, shortly before my son's first birthday that my wife settled. I read some emails she had written to the ONE. My boy woke up from his nap a few minutes later and was and still is the only one who witnessed my pain. BTW, the only reason I was snooping was I saw SMS charges on our invoice for international texts and when I asked who she sent them to, she hesitated and said they were to her cousin. We've never communicated with him via text. I got suspicious.
She had met him years before we were ever an item but he lives on a different continent. I'm 32, been with her since I was 17. Married for 8 years. She was my first girlfriend.
I confronted her about the texts. She said they were nothing and blew it off. She even started crying and said how much she loves me and would never do anything to ruin our relationship. At that point, more than anything, I wanted to believe her. But, she had planted the seed and my doubt only grew. I checked her emails again the day after only to see a message to him telling him what went on the night before and how she didn't care what the consequences were if I were to leave her.
I didn't say anything.
I kept reading her emails. Illegal, but...
I still didn't hate her. After a while the messages stopped. I started to care for her again. June 2009 I read something new. She had an affair with another man. This time it wasn't pain as much as it was anger. I knew the man. At least if he were better than me in something, anything... He is short, practically illiterate, cannot even be considered as "somewhat" handsome, and married to another woman. It took 3 days for the anger to finally leave me alone. I realized I don't love her anymore. I also realized I don't hate her either. There is no emotion anymore. She is like someone you just meet or hear of, and when something happens to them, all you can say is, oh I knew her once.
I did confront her once about the other man. She denied it of course. Even when I told her I had proof in her own words, she denied it. I stopped there. If she doesn't have enough respect or doesn't care enough to be remorseful, to help with it. I just stopped talking, sat down, and watched tv.
That was in June 09. I decided to stay with her because leaving her means leaving my kids. Where I'm from, fathers have no chance of getting custody of their children even if they did absolutely nothing wrong to destroy the family. That's why I can't leave her. I'd rather live with her than live without my kids. Without them, there's nothing.
The other problem I'm facing now is I miss, need, physical contact with a woman. Not sexual. I don't care about that. I miss having a woman in my arms that I care about. I hug my wife sometimes but not because I want to. It's more of a chore than anything else. It's all an act. I can't stop being a caring husband right? Or I risk losing my kids. So I had to be there for her when she went in for day surgery, hoping for the best for the kids sake, and as disgusting as it sounds, for a split second hoping for the worst.
I've thought about couples counseling but I don't think I care enough to salvage what I've lost with her.
Nobody can say I was a bad husband or father. Before our first child was born I did work a lot and put in extra hours but it was for our family. If she was lonely, she could have asked me to work less. I would have stopped doing OT. Once my first was born I started working regular hours. I took off for a week and did everything for my daughter until her mom recovered from her c-section. I was by her side the entire time at the hospital because I wanted to be. If she ever thought I wasn't spending enough time with her, she should have talked to me.
I know something needs to change because I'm having trouble coping again. There's something missing in my life and I don't want her to fill that spot.
Thanks for "listening".
Max
This isn't really a question but I need to get this off my chest and I don't have anybody who I can talk to.
I found out 2 years ago, shortly before my son's first birthday that my wife settled. I read some emails she had written to the ONE. My boy woke up from his nap a few minutes later and was and still is the only one who witnessed my pain. BTW, the only reason I was snooping was I saw SMS charges on our invoice for international texts and when I asked who she sent them to, she hesitated and said they were to her cousin. We've never communicated with him via text. I got suspicious.
She had met him years before we were ever an item but he lives on a different continent. I'm 32, been with her since I was 17. Married for 8 years. She was my first girlfriend.
I confronted her about the texts. She said they were nothing and blew it off. She even started crying and said how much she loves me and would never do anything to ruin our relationship. At that point, more than anything, I wanted to believe her. But, she had planted the seed and my doubt only grew. I checked her emails again the day after only to see a message to him telling him what went on the night before and how she didn't care what the consequences were if I were to leave her.
I didn't say anything.
I kept reading her emails. Illegal, but...
I still didn't hate her. After a while the messages stopped. I started to care for her again. June 2009 I read something new. She had an affair with another man. This time it wasn't pain as much as it was anger. I knew the man. At least if he were better than me in something, anything... He is short, practically illiterate, cannot even be considered as "somewhat" handsome, and married to another woman. It took 3 days for the anger to finally leave me alone. I realized I don't love her anymore. I also realized I don't hate her either. There is no emotion anymore. She is like someone you just meet or hear of, and when something happens to them, all you can say is, oh I knew her once.
I did confront her once about the other man. She denied it of course. Even when I told her I had proof in her own words, she denied it. I stopped there. If she doesn't have enough respect or doesn't care enough to be remorseful, to help with it. I just stopped talking, sat down, and watched tv.
That was in June 09. I decided to stay with her because leaving her means leaving my kids. Where I'm from, fathers have no chance of getting custody of their children even if they did absolutely nothing wrong to destroy the family. That's why I can't leave her. I'd rather live with her than live without my kids. Without them, there's nothing.
The other problem I'm facing now is I miss, need, physical contact with a woman. Not sexual. I don't care about that. I miss having a woman in my arms that I care about. I hug my wife sometimes but not because I want to. It's more of a chore than anything else. It's all an act. I can't stop being a caring husband right? Or I risk losing my kids. So I had to be there for her when she went in for day surgery, hoping for the best for the kids sake, and as disgusting as it sounds, for a split second hoping for the worst.
I've thought about couples counseling but I don't think I care enough to salvage what I've lost with her.
Nobody can say I was a bad husband or father. Before our first child was born I did work a lot and put in extra hours but it was for our family. If she was lonely, she could have asked me to work less. I would have stopped doing OT. Once my first was born I started working regular hours. I took off for a week and did everything for my daughter until her mom recovered from her c-section. I was by her side the entire time at the hospital because I wanted to be. If she ever thought I wasn't spending enough time with her, she should have talked to me.
I know something needs to change because I'm having trouble coping again. There's something missing in my life and I don't want her to fill that spot.
Thanks for "listening".
Max
Best Answer
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi Max. I'm always so pleased when someone has shared with us their story and they come back long after. I wish you had happier things to share this time around though.
I always think that I could make great sacrifice for my kids. We parents of the world already do in many small ways (playing hide and seek for an hour verses reading that great book we are into) but I feel like I could give up/ put up with a ton for the sake of my children. But everyone has a boundary. Where I draw the line will be different than everyone else and the same for you. If I would lose access to my kids, I'd stay with a man that I no longer loved as long as he didn't participate in deal breakers (beating me or kids, abusing us verbally, addiction issues, etc.). I can't tell you where your boundary is Max.
So since you have accepted this as your life, then you can do a couple of things. You can understand and accept that you will have a bad day here and there or even a few bad days here and there in which you will have longing for something/someone else. OR you can try your very best to not just exist where you are at but to try to rekindle love with her. She must have a good quality here and there that you can glom onto and build feelings in the positive again for her. Try to really build back intimacy.
Or you can revisit this decision. If you find your boundary for staying has changed, then it is your right to rethink this decision to stay.
Perhaps seeing a therapist on your own will help you with any or all of the above in figuring out where you are at emotionally with this. The years you have left before your kids are adults will fly by----- it always does. You'll be free eventually. I think talking to someone that is a professional would really be good for you.
Good luck and I hope you find peace in your heart.
I always think that I could make great sacrifice for my kids. We parents of the world already do in many small ways (playing hide and seek for an hour verses reading that great book we are into) but I feel like I could give up/ put up with a ton for the sake of my children. But everyone has a boundary. Where I draw the line will be different than everyone else and the same for you. If I would lose access to my kids, I'd stay with a man that I no longer loved as long as he didn't participate in deal breakers (beating me or kids, abusing us verbally, addiction issues, etc.). I can't tell you where your boundary is Max.
So since you have accepted this as your life, then you can do a couple of things. You can understand and accept that you will have a bad day here and there or even a few bad days here and there in which you will have longing for something/someone else. OR you can try your very best to not just exist where you are at but to try to rekindle love with her. She must have a good quality here and there that you can glom onto and build feelings in the positive again for her. Try to really build back intimacy.
Or you can revisit this decision. If you find your boundary for staying has changed, then it is your right to rethink this decision to stay.
Perhaps seeing a therapist on your own will help you with any or all of the above in figuring out where you are at emotionally with this. The years you have left before your kids are adults will fly by----- it always does. You'll be free eventually. I think talking to someone that is a professional would really be good for you.
Good luck and I hope you find peace in your heart.
you are not being fair to your wife. why would she want to stay with you when you don't feel anything for her anymore? also your poor kids! children can sense when the parents have an "icebox" relationship. you are not modeling healthy relationship behavior for THEM. they are going to be screwed up when they are adults! you should seek counseling and try to save what you may have once had. you HAVE to try and fix things if you are not going to divorce. for the sake of your children and it's not fair to your wife either. even though that ***** was a cheater!
Earlier when I said I cannot live without my kids and I can't risk it, I did not mean I can't risk her finding out. I meant I can't divorce and risk losing my children.
To answer your question, I very much doubt she would accept it. I have learned over the years how selfish she can be and she will definitely try to hurt me if I cross the same line she crossed over 4 years ago. She will know the only thing that will hurt me is losing my kids. In Quebec, it's pretty much a done deal when a mom wants sole custody. Fathers have to fight tooth and nail to get the kids for half the time.
With my luck, I'll get a woman judge, who will see a 6 foot tall, 280 lbs man with a shaved head, and she will make her decision before I even say a word.
I will not bring up the subject if we are alone. She will just shut down and stop communicating. Not sure if she would be willing to hear what a marriage counselor will have to say. I don't think I even want to fix things with her.
It's messed up.
To answer your question, I very much doubt she would accept it. I have learned over the years how selfish she can be and she will definitely try to hurt me if I cross the same line she crossed over 4 years ago. She will know the only thing that will hurt me is losing my kids. In Quebec, it's pretty much a done deal when a mom wants sole custody. Fathers have to fight tooth and nail to get the kids for half the time.
With my luck, I'll get a woman judge, who will see a 6 foot tall, 280 lbs man with a shaved head, and she will make her decision before I even say a word.
I will not bring up the subject if we are alone. She will just shut down and stop communicating. Not sure if she would be willing to hear what a marriage counselor will have to say. I don't think I even want to fix things with her.
It's messed up.
I understand You have needs that aren't being met and while I am sympathetic to that, I must point out that You made this sacrifice originally because of Your Children. So, my question to You would be - can You predict Your wife's reaction if She were to know You were intimate/had an affair? Would She accept that and stay in this marriage for the sake of the Children as did You?
Please, before anybody makes a comment telling me that cheating on her as revenge is wrong, or two wrongs don't make a right, I know that. I don't want to be intimate with someone for revenge. All men aren't controlled by anger and the smaller head down below. We get lonely too and intimacy, without sex, is a huge part of what makes a person content.
I have my good days and my bad. In general I am able to cope, I suppose, by focusing on work during the day and my kids the second they get home. Long story short, I have difficulty performing with my wife, not that I care much about that. What bothers me is the lack of intimacy with a woman. At this point I don't even care who it is as long as she hasn't lied to me. But, I don't have another woman I can be intimate with nor do I have the time or the luxury of privacy to find someone.
This horrible day was all because my brain decided to play a nasty trick on me last night. I had a very vivid dream where I was with a woman and we were quite intimate though no intercourse was in the scenario. My son woke me up, he had a bad dream and came to sleep next to me, and realized it was all a dream. The clock showed 4:10AM and I couldn't go back to sleep. My thoughts went to all the BS I wrote about in my posts 2+ years ago. Finally fell asleep with a huge limp in my throat as the sun was coming up.
Got up, got the kids ready for school, dropped them off, drove back home as I work out of the house, so no kids, and the memory of a vivid dream in my mind mixed in with all the other crap just made this day really horrible. I probably stared at my computer screen for 4-5 hours. I haven't gotten any work done. Listened to a lot of angry music. Tried to chat with a friend, the only one I can talk to, but her baby girl woke up from her nap so she had to go.
That about sums it up. I hate this province. It would have been so much easier living somewhere where dad's weren't only considered as a source of income for the family. I cannot be without my kids. I can't risk it.
This horrible day was all because my brain decided to play a nasty trick on me last night. I had a very vivid dream where I was with a woman and we were quite intimate though no intercourse was in the scenario. My son woke me up, he had a bad dream and came to sleep next to me, and realized it was all a dream. The clock showed 4:10AM and I couldn't go back to sleep. My thoughts went to all the BS I wrote about in my posts 2+ years ago. Finally fell asleep with a huge limp in my throat as the sun was coming up.
Got up, got the kids ready for school, dropped them off, drove back home as I work out of the house, so no kids, and the memory of a vivid dream in my mind mixed in with all the other crap just made this day really horrible. I probably stared at my computer screen for 4-5 hours. I haven't gotten any work done. Listened to a lot of angry music. Tried to chat with a friend, the only one I can talk to, but her baby girl woke up from her nap so she had to go.
That about sums it up. I hate this province. It would have been so much easier living somewhere where dad's weren't only considered as a source of income for the family. I cannot be without my kids. I can't risk it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Max, I get it. Someday I hope your children understand just what a great dad you are and the sacrifices you have made for them. And as I said, I have seens couples rediscover each other again unexpectedly. Stay open to that possibility even though it seems a very remote possibility. I am sorry for your lonliness and wish you peace.
Thanks for the advice. I think making a deal won't work. Things will definitely fall apart.
I think my only option is to wait until they've moved out of the house. A divorce will **** her off and she's spiteful. Even if she doesn't want the children, she'll do what she can for me not to have them. I have to figure out what to do for 20 years while I wait.
I've got electronic copies of the messages but I will print them and put them away just in case.
It's been almost 18 months since I found out and stopped loving her. It's not hard living with her. Probably not something many men would say but what is hard is not having someone anymore. Someone to really share my life with and have a fulfilling relationship both physically and emotionally. I live with her but I am very lonely.
I think my only option is to wait until they've moved out of the house. A divorce will **** her off and she's spiteful. Even if she doesn't want the children, she'll do what she can for me not to have them. I have to figure out what to do for 20 years while I wait.
I've got electronic copies of the messages but I will print them and put them away just in case.
It's been almost 18 months since I found out and stopped loving her. It's not hard living with her. Probably not something many men would say but what is hard is not having someone anymore. Someone to really share my life with and have a fulfilling relationship both physically and emotionally. I live with her but I am very lonely.
Hi Max, I'm so sorry for the situation that you are both in. Very uncomfortable, but when either person cheats or is dishonest, there is definately something missing in the relationship or a need that is not being met. I strongly recommend that the issues be addressed or confronted with, counseling is necessary if you want to salvage the marriage, if not then a trial seperation. If that doesn't work, then it's time to speak with a divorce attorney on your options, situation, your child and time to move both your lives forward. I do wish you the very best of luck.
Did you print out the emails so you have proof if you ever were to need it? If not, I would, and I would put them into a safe deposit box.
One suggestion is that you two have a come-clean talk and you offer her that you will each live your own lives, very discreetly, for the sake of the kids, and then divorce when they are 18. It's not much of a suggestion and I don't like it very much, but if you feel that if she leaves you, you don't stand a chance to have the kids, there aren't many choices.
If she agrees to this, write it down, including agreements about the children not being exposed to any cheating, and agreements to use protection so neither of you will bring home a disease. Sign a copy for each of you, and put that in the safe deposit box, too.
If this all sounds as cold to you as it does to me, maybe you had better consider the couples counseling or simply a divorce. Maybe she doesn't want the kids.
One suggestion is that you two have a come-clean talk and you offer her that you will each live your own lives, very discreetly, for the sake of the kids, and then divorce when they are 18. It's not much of a suggestion and I don't like it very much, but if you feel that if she leaves you, you don't stand a chance to have the kids, there aren't many choices.
If she agrees to this, write it down, including agreements about the children not being exposed to any cheating, and agreements to use protection so neither of you will bring home a disease. Sign a copy for each of you, and put that in the safe deposit box, too.
If this all sounds as cold to you as it does to me, maybe you had better consider the couples counseling or simply a divorce. Maybe she doesn't want the kids.
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One last thing---------- some couples can be very distant and have no feeling to develop it again later. Don't be surprised if this happens. But you have to be willing.
And if it does not and your last child has left the house, you are free to go.
Good luck---------- I'm sure this isn't what you had hoped for when you married.