Aa
Dont know what to do!
I was in a relationship with a lying married man; the relationship also produced a child....Now hes back with his wife and im hurting because i did love him....any advice on how to get over these feeling and what to do about the baby?
Best Answer
Did u decide to have the baby cuz this man was around? Where they jus separated legally or divorced? I'm not passing judgment n I'm sry if it comes off like that... but u already have a strong bond wit ur child.. I'm sry but I believe in the whole u made ur bed now u have to lay in it... its not ur childs fault that his/her father is a sob n left u, don't take it out on them by giving them up for adoption... u can b a single mom... n have the visitation or choose to find a real man n have him raise ur child as his own... don't jus run to giving ur child up cuz their father is a sob n not caring right now... or may never again... u child is what's important right now n he/she needs u to b strong n give them ur love n not abandend them.... but I do advise the court suggestion.. do it right away bcuz they only go back so far for payments.... n I believe there is away to have it to where he doesn't seen the child but still has to pay... u can also make the visitations supervised so u don't have to worry bout ur child.... if u don't trust him/hiswife..
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, that is good Mesh. I think it is commendable how you are trying to pick up the pieces now and move on. It is hard. But you'll get there.
I think that feelings that are negative for the father of the baby will always be there but get much less intense. I would hope for that as it makes parenting a child together so much easier.
Maybe a parent or friend can help you out when visitation starts by meeting him with your baby instead of you. Just so you don't have to be face to face with him. Wish you never had to talk to him again but that is not realistic with a child. May the bad feelings start to go away and always remember, you have a brighter future ahead of you.
Our best lessons come from mistakes. That is the benefit of the mistakes we make. So, you'll have all this additional info to help you make good choices next time around!
Hang in there.
I think that feelings that are negative for the father of the baby will always be there but get much less intense. I would hope for that as it makes parenting a child together so much easier.
Maybe a parent or friend can help you out when visitation starts by meeting him with your baby instead of you. Just so you don't have to be face to face with him. Wish you never had to talk to him again but that is not realistic with a child. May the bad feelings start to go away and always remember, you have a brighter future ahead of you.
Our best lessons come from mistakes. That is the benefit of the mistakes we make. So, you'll have all this additional info to help you make good choices next time around!
Hang in there.
I'm 28.............you didn't hurt me at all by what you said i was giving a little more info about the situation........i thank you for being a kind person........im really a very nice person but has been hurt and taken advantage of by men i beat myself up because i allowed it and i have to blame myself..this was my first experience with a married man and it will never happen again..sometimes you go through the same things over and over, but there is always one experience that happens before its too late that will make you change your outlook on everything.......even though i sometimes don't believe it i know their is better out there for me...keep in touch this helps me..... PS i go to a good chucrh, but had stop going and i know there was people judging me because we are all human beings, but i got pass that and i started going back to church
From the sounds of it... ur a very strong lady who can over come anything you push threw! I was in a physical n emotional abusive relationship and I got pregnant was wit the man for 5yrs! I wouldn't trade it in for the world bcuz I learned never to allow it to happen again! U knw what is best for u and ur child n u can do it! U don't need a man, no women needs a man to b happy or b strong! (Sry towards the men)
How old r u?
I was involved in church also when I had my 1st son, I had several ppl I trusted say judgmental things n hurtful things... but hun their not u... or in ur shoes...
I'm sry if I hurt u by what I said.. n ur right its not fair to ur son n u need to jus think of him.. that man u "loved" don't deserve ur love.... someone who won't drop u like a fly,or
won't wanna go to sleep or wake up in the morning unless ur there is who dersves ur LOVE! U will find the man who takes ur breath away n is actually worth ur love... jus give it time... the only think I can say is this... u had a bad experiance wit this man but got the world from it... UR SON! All u can do is b thankful for what u have been taught from this n cuz u got something that some women would die to have... a healthy happy lil baby! Best of wishes...
How old r u?
I was involved in church also when I had my 1st son, I had several ppl I trusted say judgmental things n hurtful things... but hun their not u... or in ur shoes...
I'm sry if I hurt u by what I said.. n ur right its not fair to ur son n u need to jus think of him.. that man u "loved" don't deserve ur love.... someone who won't drop u like a fly,or
won't wanna go to sleep or wake up in the morning unless ur there is who dersves ur LOVE! U will find the man who takes ur breath away n is actually worth ur love... jus give it time... the only think I can say is this... u had a bad experiance wit this man but got the world from it... UR SON! All u can do is b thankful for what u have been taught from this n cuz u got something that some women would die to have... a healthy happy lil baby! Best of wishes...
I didnt decide to have the baby cuz he was around, in reality he really wasnt...although I grew up in the church, but chose the wrong paths I knew abortion is wrong, but was willing to do it, it didnt happen because I was
too scared.. This man is someone I knew..he and his wife
isnt seperated or getting a divorce she lives in anotber country and they havent been together for years...i was going through some stuff(not to give excuse, but to give an idea of how things got starte)sexual abuse that I endured from people I trusted...i was really depress and sucidal, he came along and stared to talk to me...he was kind, loving and told me everything I needed to hear..soon I wasnt so depress or sucidal anymore...we had an emotional relationship for over a year..we became best friends and talked about everything..nothing sexual..i though he treated different from all the others who used and abused...i fell in love with him and we started a sexual relationship...he told me he loved me among many other things and that he didnt love her..i became pregnant and everything changed,i started to see the real him...i began to feel bad and then realize he didnt love me he was lonely because is wife lives in another country..She came and he droped me like a bad habit..im angry because he told a lot of lies and I feel used, he should have waited, it hurt because I did fall for him....i know, I did make my bed and im laying in it now..i feel bad for my child he didnt ask for this..i dont want him around..he needs to stay away for good and not drop in every now and then.thats not good for the baby,and im still healing...i will try on my own
too scared.. This man is someone I knew..he and his wife
isnt seperated or getting a divorce she lives in anotber country and they havent been together for years...i was going through some stuff(not to give excuse, but to give an idea of how things got starte)sexual abuse that I endured from people I trusted...i was really depress and sucidal, he came along and stared to talk to me...he was kind, loving and told me everything I needed to hear..soon I wasnt so depress or sucidal anymore...we had an emotional relationship for over a year..we became best friends and talked about everything..nothing sexual..i though he treated different from all the others who used and abused...i fell in love with him and we started a sexual relationship...he told me he loved me among many other things and that he didnt love her..i became pregnant and everything changed,i started to see the real him...i began to feel bad and then realize he didnt love me he was lonely because is wife lives in another country..She came and he droped me like a bad habit..im angry because he told a lot of lies and I feel used, he should have waited, it hurt because I did fall for him....i know, I did make my bed and im laying in it now..i feel bad for my child he didnt ask for this..i dont want him around..he needs to stay away for good and not drop in every now and then.thats not good for the baby,and im still healing...i will try on my own
Ughhhhh why does things have to be on his terms..however, I do understand what you are saying, thank you..
Definitely pursue child support, the sooner the better. When he says he will take him when he gets settled...does he mean for a visit? You need a custody and visitation court order to clarify who has primary physical custody...without one, he has as much right to have your son and you do (I have seen this little part of the law turn into a nightmare for people...saw a child taken from its grandmother in a Walmart store by the biological father and the police couldn't/wouldn't do anything because there was no court order saying the mother had physical custody...so the father was able to take the child and the mother had to fight to even get visitation). Don't trust his word (he's already shown how reliable THAT is!). Get yourself a court order.
I would not wait around for him to decide to get involved...but don't interfere with his having a relationship if that is what he wants. I know it ***** but you have to put your son's long term best interests before your own hurt feelings.
I would not wait around for him to decide to get involved...but don't interfere with his having a relationship if that is what he wants. I know it ***** but you have to put your son's long term best interests before your own hurt feelings.
He says things like he'll take him when he get settle which i believe is an excuse for me to not pursue support( he's a software engineer).....he take care of his kids 100% that he have with his wife but my son is at the bottom, it get me so upset i cant live like this.......he around not to help but to make me miserable,,,,,especially seeing them together after all the lies he told and that hurt, he has no compassion toward my feelings, but i guess i would be a fool to expect better..i have 3 other boys and i'm raising them alone because there dad is a dead beat, i feel i should just go my ways and try to raise him alone, although kids need both parent sometimes single mothers do a better job than having the father around......right now my son is his last priority and that hurts i feel i should just try my best alone.....
If you do not want to deal with the father, I would suggest using a third party to facilitate visitation (if the father wants visitation-I hope he does as I believe children do need both parents but sometimes a parent doesn't want to be involved). Basically, you take the child to the third party, usually at a neutral location and drop him/her off. The father then picks the child up. That way neither of you has to deal with the other.
Thank you..your story inspire me.. I believe in god and I know I can do all things with his help, but it just hurt right now.. And for you there is a loving man out there who would never cheat and hurt u the way your ex did...sometimes its hard to trust and love after being hurt, .but it is possible..open your heart again, but be cautious...because u are wiser....add me to your friends list
Thank you..your story inspire me.. I believe in god and I know I can do all things with his help, but it just hurt right now.. And for you there is a loving man out there who would never cheat and hurt u the way your ex did...sometimes its hard to trust and love after being hurt, .but it is possible..open your heart again, but be cautious...because u are wiser....add me to your friends list
Thank you so much...its nice to know people u dont even know cares....add me as your friend it would be nice to talk every now and then
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sounds really hard mesh. You are emotionally fragile and he stirs that.
It is also hard though for a child-------- how is a child to feel if they think that either their mother wouldn't let their dad bond with them or if dad chooses not to? One of those you can control.
So, in time------- if you keep your child (which it would be hard to not keep a baby you have been raising for 13 months, I"m sure)------ you'll have to address this. Once we bring a baby into the world, it can only be a little about us and mostly about them. Even when it hurts.
I wish you luck and we are here when you need us!
It is also hard though for a child-------- how is a child to feel if they think that either their mother wouldn't let their dad bond with them or if dad chooses not to? One of those you can control.
So, in time------- if you keep your child (which it would be hard to not keep a baby you have been raising for 13 months, I"m sure)------ you'll have to address this. Once we bring a baby into the world, it can only be a little about us and mostly about them. Even when it hurts.
I wish you luck and we are here when you need us!
Thanks very much i really appreciate what u had to say.....It is just so hard because of all the hurt i dont want him around me at this point he doesnt even care that he hurt me he just want to run and make up with is wife....it hurts this went on for years.....I dont want to keep the baby away but right now i feel i need to in order to heal
PS...
If you decide to keep the baby, in the meantime, nail that sperm donor to the wall and make him pay for EVERYTHING!! Burn him up in court for child support, insurance, etc...
Unless he wants to claim ignorance and say he didnt know where babies came from, he's culpable and responsible for the care of this child, so dont let him off the hook.
If you decide to keep the baby, in the meantime, nail that sperm donor to the wall and make him pay for EVERYTHING!! Burn him up in court for child support, insurance, etc...
Unless he wants to claim ignorance and say he didnt know where babies came from, he's culpable and responsible for the care of this child, so dont let him off the hook.
If you cant raise the baby, then adoption, by all means, is a wonderful way to show your strength of character and love for your baby.
There are SO MANY couples who are loving and secure and want to share that with a child, but cant, for whatever reason. You would be blessing them.
I can only imagine how hard that decision would be, but if you made arrangements for an open adoption, you could still have some sort of contact with your child through the years, albeit, limited.
My guy was adopted. He was brought into a good family and years later, he found his birth mother. He now is a part of two loving families.
NOW... that's ONE scenario.
The other is more visceral. Keep your baby, love your baby and do your best. It wont be easy to raise a baby alone. I raised my son totally alone. My husband had an affair and left me the day before our son was born to be with the other woman.
I scrapped and struggled and did the best I could alone [but with emotional support from my mom]. I never remarried, but I did date.
My son is about to graduate college with a Bachelors Degree in Education. He grew into a handsome, popular, intelligent and compassionate young man. I'm SO proud of him!
He actually floated into college on a full 4-year academic scholarship, so I guess I didnt do too badly raising him alone.
Your story might be a little different. You could still meet a great guy! This guy could be the answer to your prayers, loving you and loving your child, as well. He could be the type of guy you'd want your son to have as a role model in his life.
The key is not falling for the same things that got you involved with a scumbag like the one who fathered your child. Look for the best and expect the best. Know and believe that you and your child deserve nothing less!
Good luck and God bless, in whatever you decide.
There are SO MANY couples who are loving and secure and want to share that with a child, but cant, for whatever reason. You would be blessing them.
I can only imagine how hard that decision would be, but if you made arrangements for an open adoption, you could still have some sort of contact with your child through the years, albeit, limited.
My guy was adopted. He was brought into a good family and years later, he found his birth mother. He now is a part of two loving families.
NOW... that's ONE scenario.
The other is more visceral. Keep your baby, love your baby and do your best. It wont be easy to raise a baby alone. I raised my son totally alone. My husband had an affair and left me the day before our son was born to be with the other woman.
I scrapped and struggled and did the best I could alone [but with emotional support from my mom]. I never remarried, but I did date.
My son is about to graduate college with a Bachelors Degree in Education. He grew into a handsome, popular, intelligent and compassionate young man. I'm SO proud of him!
He actually floated into college on a full 4-year academic scholarship, so I guess I didnt do too badly raising him alone.
Your story might be a little different. You could still meet a great guy! This guy could be the answer to your prayers, loving you and loving your child, as well. He could be the type of guy you'd want your son to have as a role model in his life.
The key is not falling for the same things that got you involved with a scumbag like the one who fathered your child. Look for the best and expect the best. Know and believe that you and your child deserve nothing less!
Good luck and God bless, in whatever you decide.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, it is hard but now you know the truth about this man. He's of low character. You don't need that in your life.
I am such a fan of adoption. It is hard since your child is 13 months old but many families would be thrilled to have a child of this age or slightly older. Catholic Social Services is a great organization for such adoptions.
And agreed, if you choose to keep your baby and raise him/her---------- you are entitled to support for that child. However, then be prepared for visitation with your ex and his wife. I do think that every child needs both parents in their life even if their birth comes out of something unfortunate like infidelity. So, if you raise your child yourself, you need to keep her/his father in their life.
But then you must keep the father OUT of yours for anything beyond needs of the child. You'll have to be disciplined.
But until you move on, your life will be in this limbo land which is no fun, I"m sure. good luck
I am such a fan of adoption. It is hard since your child is 13 months old but many families would be thrilled to have a child of this age or slightly older. Catholic Social Services is a great organization for such adoptions.
And agreed, if you choose to keep your baby and raise him/her---------- you are entitled to support for that child. However, then be prepared for visitation with your ex and his wife. I do think that every child needs both parents in their life even if their birth comes out of something unfortunate like infidelity. So, if you raise your child yourself, you need to keep her/his father in their life.
But then you must keep the father OUT of yours for anything beyond needs of the child. You'll have to be disciplined.
But until you move on, your life will be in this limbo land which is no fun, I"m sure. good luck
If you do not want to raise the baby, adoption is an excellent option, though you might have to get the biological father's consent. If you do want to raise the baby, you need to get yourself a court order for child support, child custody and visitation. Without a court order, the biological father has as much right to the baby as you do.
Do a search on the Internet for Child Support Enforcement _________ (put the name of the state where you live in the blank) (if you live outside the US, contact your local social services agency for assistance). In the U.S., state child support agencies can establish and enforce orders for paternity, child support and medical support at no charge whatsoever to you. A child support attorney will appear in court on your behalf if needed and they will take care of all the paperwork. Also check into Legal Aid for assistance with filing for child custody/visitation. In some states, filing for a custody order is really easy...in others you almost have to have an attorney.
I used to be a Child Support Enforcement Officer in California so I dealt with these issues every day. Trust me you NEED a court order to protect yourself and your child.
Do a search on the Internet for Child Support Enforcement _________ (put the name of the state where you live in the blank) (if you live outside the US, contact your local social services agency for assistance). In the U.S., state child support agencies can establish and enforce orders for paternity, child support and medical support at no charge whatsoever to you. A child support attorney will appear in court on your behalf if needed and they will take care of all the paperwork. Also check into Legal Aid for assistance with filing for child custody/visitation. In some states, filing for a custody order is really easy...in others you almost have to have an attorney.
I used to be a Child Support Enforcement Officer in California so I dealt with these issues every day. Trust me you NEED a court order to protect yourself and your child.
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