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Dont know where to begin!?!
When I had my son three years ago, I often wondered if I would be here.....and I am :o(...(I was on pregnancy and maternal forums). As the beginning question states, I dont even know where to start....if it is at the beginning of the relationship, middle, or possibly now the end. This is my interpretation of it....and not necessary his, and I know we need couples counseling, but I am looking for support. To give slight background, my husband is very selfish and it is something he openly admits.
My husband and I met when I was turning 19 y/o. We had a rocky start...which is totally expected and normal being that young and immature. We finally got our act together and then he was unsure about marriage.....I should have pried more into it then, but told him it was really important to me, and if he wasnt ready then I would have to move on (I was 25 at that time, dating for 6 years). So he proposed. Since he didnt have a check when purchasing the ring, my mom spotted him the money. Well 3 weeks later, ring wasnt paid for and my mom was hounding me at that point...which I was unaware of the whole deal that went on (he paid her once I brought it up). This I call pain point 1...begging for engagement to find it was my moms helping and doing. Then after being married for 2 years, I had to talk him into trying for a baby. After over a year of trying, we finally got pregnant....then I started bleeding. I knew it was bad and I had a feeling I would miscarry. He waited in the ER with me and we saw the baby for the first time. However, the bleeding didnt stop and I had to go to the doctor a few more times. Well supposedly he had to work and so my mom took me to every ultrasound appointment, and rubbed my back throughout the day. I miscarried that baby right before thanksgiving 2006. I was devastated and he didnt understand...Pain point 2. He was finally into the "trying" for a baby thing and not giving me grief every time. So current day, we now have a 3 y/o son. He was not the most helpful of fathers, and it has only gotten worse. He gets depressed every fall/winter time. This time around it has completely destroyed our family. We were trying for number 2 (something I have always wanted and have always been clear in our marriage of me wanting). He has been completely rude to me and my son for the past month, distant to our family. Only to find he doesnt want a number 2 and he has been texting a girl from work..ALOT! My world is flipped upside down. I always knew we had problems, but I just assumed we would weather through. He says the girl is just a friend, and his texting was excess and inappropriate.....but the worst of it was ALL Christmas day, until 11:30pm. It broke my heart...because I would never trust a man and "friendship" with a women (no offense to the men out there). I feel I have given everything to my family. Since then we have worked through some details, but our relationship and most of all baby #2 is pressing on me. I have only asked 3 things from him EVER, Marriage, baby #1 and 2. He has constantly asked for big purchase material items all the time. I have always given in because it was his dream. But where is his compromise ever?!?! At the end of this, I dont even know what my questions is, except would marriage counseling even help when I am so destroyed about the recent events. What was my world is no longer my world and what was my dream can no longer be a reality.
My husband and I met when I was turning 19 y/o. We had a rocky start...which is totally expected and normal being that young and immature. We finally got our act together and then he was unsure about marriage.....I should have pried more into it then, but told him it was really important to me, and if he wasnt ready then I would have to move on (I was 25 at that time, dating for 6 years). So he proposed. Since he didnt have a check when purchasing the ring, my mom spotted him the money. Well 3 weeks later, ring wasnt paid for and my mom was hounding me at that point...which I was unaware of the whole deal that went on (he paid her once I brought it up). This I call pain point 1...begging for engagement to find it was my moms helping and doing. Then after being married for 2 years, I had to talk him into trying for a baby. After over a year of trying, we finally got pregnant....then I started bleeding. I knew it was bad and I had a feeling I would miscarry. He waited in the ER with me and we saw the baby for the first time. However, the bleeding didnt stop and I had to go to the doctor a few more times. Well supposedly he had to work and so my mom took me to every ultrasound appointment, and rubbed my back throughout the day. I miscarried that baby right before thanksgiving 2006. I was devastated and he didnt understand...Pain point 2. He was finally into the "trying" for a baby thing and not giving me grief every time. So current day, we now have a 3 y/o son. He was not the most helpful of fathers, and it has only gotten worse. He gets depressed every fall/winter time. This time around it has completely destroyed our family. We were trying for number 2 (something I have always wanted and have always been clear in our marriage of me wanting). He has been completely rude to me and my son for the past month, distant to our family. Only to find he doesnt want a number 2 and he has been texting a girl from work..ALOT! My world is flipped upside down. I always knew we had problems, but I just assumed we would weather through. He says the girl is just a friend, and his texting was excess and inappropriate.....but the worst of it was ALL Christmas day, until 11:30pm. It broke my heart...because I would never trust a man and "friendship" with a women (no offense to the men out there). I feel I have given everything to my family. Since then we have worked through some details, but our relationship and most of all baby #2 is pressing on me. I have only asked 3 things from him EVER, Marriage, baby #1 and 2. He has constantly asked for big purchase material items all the time. I have always given in because it was his dream. But where is his compromise ever?!?! At the end of this, I dont even know what my questions is, except would marriage counseling even help when I am so destroyed about the recent events. What was my world is no longer my world and what was my dream can no longer be a reality.
Wait for #2. you are still young. Get counseling for yourself then seek marriage counsel.... I dont know you just know what you have written here. Im on marriage #3 and am an expert on what not to do. Any questions message me if you want but alot of what youve said here sounds familiar and i can offer an honest opinion if you want.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I a glad you are aware of the signs of depression and can spot it if you start to go in that direction. I think solo therapy is helpful.
I hear your energy for change! I do think that is terrific, honestly. You are at a crossroads in your life. You can choose to put that energy into this relationship and saving it or choose to move on and try for a completely new life. Pluses and minuses to both. You'll have to weigh it all out.
I will, not to be a doggie downer, tell you though that I read a study just this week that looked at "contentment" and depression and women and the number one group for depressed women was those in 30's and 40's that were single moms. It is hard hon. This should not be what keeps you in a bad marriage. I don't tell you that to make you choose to work on this. But just to say that you are in an at risk group for women that you should be aware of.
BTW, I have a dear friend that had a husband like yours. Early in their marriage, they had lots of issues surrounding his desire to spend and spend big and her desire not to. They both worked and she made more money than he. She had more ambition than he did and this also bothered her. Fast forward 16 years, they've really found a place of contentment in their marriage. He is more ambitious and successful now. She enjoys some large purchases with him and he tells himself no a lot. My point being that things that almost made them divorce a few years ago are not issues any longer as they both have found middle ground. They are happily married and their family is intact. And let me tell you, she threatened divorce years ago.
I suspect this is about more than that car. You are angry with him for a few reasons-------- some you are aware of (the car, the baby number 2 issue, etc.) and some you are holding in your subconscious. You two do not communicate well. I see this from your postings. You very well could be holding resentment towards him for life not being as you wanted it at this point. He knows that on some level so you two are at odds. Both in your corners being stubborn. Communication in marriage does mean talking about these things. It means that scale I spoke of in which he says "I want a car" and it is X number important to me. You say "I don't want a car and it means X number to me that you don't get it". And then see where the numbers fall and if a compromise can be had. But if you are mad about A, B, C, D, etc. then you can't have a civilized conversation like that.
I can tell that you have one foot out the door and that is absolutely your choice. Whether it works out or not, I do wish you happiness and good fortune ahead. I think the solo therapist for you alone is a great idea and would help you wrap your head around what your next step should be. I'd wait until you do that before deciding for sure what to do. Things may be clearer upon examimation with a professional. Everyone's goal is for you and your child to be happy. good luck.
I hear your energy for change! I do think that is terrific, honestly. You are at a crossroads in your life. You can choose to put that energy into this relationship and saving it or choose to move on and try for a completely new life. Pluses and minuses to both. You'll have to weigh it all out.
I will, not to be a doggie downer, tell you though that I read a study just this week that looked at "contentment" and depression and women and the number one group for depressed women was those in 30's and 40's that were single moms. It is hard hon. This should not be what keeps you in a bad marriage. I don't tell you that to make you choose to work on this. But just to say that you are in an at risk group for women that you should be aware of.
BTW, I have a dear friend that had a husband like yours. Early in their marriage, they had lots of issues surrounding his desire to spend and spend big and her desire not to. They both worked and she made more money than he. She had more ambition than he did and this also bothered her. Fast forward 16 years, they've really found a place of contentment in their marriage. He is more ambitious and successful now. She enjoys some large purchases with him and he tells himself no a lot. My point being that things that almost made them divorce a few years ago are not issues any longer as they both have found middle ground. They are happily married and their family is intact. And let me tell you, she threatened divorce years ago.
I suspect this is about more than that car. You are angry with him for a few reasons-------- some you are aware of (the car, the baby number 2 issue, etc.) and some you are holding in your subconscious. You two do not communicate well. I see this from your postings. You very well could be holding resentment towards him for life not being as you wanted it at this point. He knows that on some level so you two are at odds. Both in your corners being stubborn. Communication in marriage does mean talking about these things. It means that scale I spoke of in which he says "I want a car" and it is X number important to me. You say "I don't want a car and it means X number to me that you don't get it". And then see where the numbers fall and if a compromise can be had. But if you are mad about A, B, C, D, etc. then you can't have a civilized conversation like that.
I can tell that you have one foot out the door and that is absolutely your choice. Whether it works out or not, I do wish you happiness and good fortune ahead. I think the solo therapist for you alone is a great idea and would help you wrap your head around what your next step should be. I'd wait until you do that before deciding for sure what to do. Things may be clearer upon examimation with a professional. Everyone's goal is for you and your child to be happy. good luck.
Thanks specialmom! I do need to hold accountability for not calling the therapist either. It is just that my husband has also been anti-doctor and it is just me wanting him to finally man up and take action in his life rather than me fixing all of our problems all the time. And yes me typing that out sounds very immature, but it is just one of those things.
Normally in my life I would say you are spot on with the depression thing, because I have struggled with that in the past...but amazingly enough for the first time in a long time I am not depressed or oh woe is me. I am ready to take action, I am ready for change. I am in the position to change things in my life and I have never felt I have quite been there yet...or I just became so complacent in life that I let my life lead me.
While you have very great suggestions that I would love to try, I just cant do it. I am just so angry that I have allowed things to go on like this. The minute I open my mouth...anger spews from it. I seriously feel like I am past the point of no return and I dont know how to come back. I feel that if we work this out, that the next time he asks for something I will automatically be angry again. I feel like we need a good 5 years without purchasing a large item and he is just not capable of doing that. If it isnt one thing it is something else he will always want.
I think I need some solo therapy though....and I may just call a counselor for myself.
Normally in my life I would say you are spot on with the depression thing, because I have struggled with that in the past...but amazingly enough for the first time in a long time I am not depressed or oh woe is me. I am ready to take action, I am ready for change. I am in the position to change things in my life and I have never felt I have quite been there yet...or I just became so complacent in life that I let my life lead me.
While you have very great suggestions that I would love to try, I just cant do it. I am just so angry that I have allowed things to go on like this. The minute I open my mouth...anger spews from it. I seriously feel like I am past the point of no return and I dont know how to come back. I feel that if we work this out, that the next time he asks for something I will automatically be angry again. I feel like we need a good 5 years without purchasing a large item and he is just not capable of doing that. If it isnt one thing it is something else he will always want.
I think I need some solo therapy though....and I may just call a counselor for myself.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh man. I was hoping things were going better for you and not worse!! I'm sorry to hear all this. Here is what I would do. I'm dead serious. Put your son to bed. Get two bottles of water and find a quiet comfortable spot. Tell husband you must talk to him right now and hand him his water bottle. And then you have to tell him that you can no longer do this. Be organized and prepared with what you are going to say. Don't make it "you you you" and him the big bad villain (even though you are mad and he has done some wrong things) because he will become defensive and never hear you. You say "when you bought that car it made ME feel . . .". Things like disrespected, like my opinion didn't matter to you, used as in I had to cosign, etc. etc. etc. You can discuss with him how you are disappointed you didn't get the promotion and then spending this extra money does not seem like good timing. But the issues that exist that are making you want to walk away from your marriage need to come out and he needs to hear them. Not as in he is the bad guy again but as in these are your feelings. This may prompt him to take therapy seriously (and honestly, if I were fighting for my marriage, I would go ahead and make the call for the appt myself so it is a bit telling that you were not willing to do that.) Lay it out and see what he says. Maybe he will be more motivated. Maybe not. You'll find out. But you have a child together and a life together (that Does have occasional happy moments) and I think this conversation needs to happen verses just giving up.
I also want you to consider that you may have a bit of depression yourself. I hear you about the low period! You are going through some things but I also am wondering about a bit of actual depression. If you treat this depression, it can sometimes allow us to work on things that are difficult. And at the very least, it allows us to work through our emotions without that cloud haning over our head of the blues. I could be completely off base but it is something to think about and if it seems even a remote possibility, talk to your doctor about it. And a therapist for just you isn't such a bad idea either. Call one of those people you gave your husband and set up some solo therapy to work through your emotions. good luck
I also want you to consider that you may have a bit of depression yourself. I hear you about the low period! You are going through some things but I also am wondering about a bit of actual depression. If you treat this depression, it can sometimes allow us to work on things that are difficult. And at the very least, it allows us to work through our emotions without that cloud haning over our head of the blues. I could be completely off base but it is something to think about and if it seems even a remote possibility, talk to your doctor about it. And a therapist for just you isn't such a bad idea either. Call one of those people you gave your husband and set up some solo therapy to work through your emotions. good luck
No, I am over that. However, I think that is what pushed me to finally be not accepting of all his issues. He says I am just angry because he doesnt want a second child.....which that statement holds truth....I do not want a another child with him right and and I am questioning ever more and more. I am angry and realize now that he has never met in the middle, that when it comes down to my wants he is never supportive. It just took the "baby #2" for me to realize that. If divorce is in our future, I am afraid since he is a man (sorry no offense to the men out there), he will think I left him because he didnt want another baby. While that has been the catalyst to all of this, it is not the entire reason. But, sometimes I feel like I am crazy and over reacting in all of this and that I am willing to risk my whole family because of that desire for a second child. He doesnt understand the true impact to his decisions and when I brought up divorce he acted like I was a complete lunatic for even thinking that and that I am crazy for wanting to do that to our son and break up our "happy home". What is scary is I would have continued to accept all his flaws if he would have compromised or been more supportive of me. I think there have been multiple things in our marriage that he has done that would have been deal breakers to most marriages. I am sick of being the enabler.
While I felt I had no say before because he made more money, I feel I have more weight and power now that we are almost equal. I look at others relationships and even though the man makes more all things are discussed and agreed upon by both parties before purchasing. His comments to me is, well you can buy what ever you want. Oh great so that now makes two people blowing money and p*s*ing away my sons future.
I feel I am past the point of counseling, I am so livid I cant even stand to look at him. I have lost all respect for him and I have hatred growing in my heart. He said that if we went to therapy the therapist would side with him.....really!?!? That is all he is wanting to go for, someone to tell him and me that he is right. It does not take a rocket scientist to tell someone your right, you shouldnt have another child. As I am typing this, I am wondering if he thinks I want him to go to therapy so we can get better and have a baby...again you know how men think!
I am just at such a low point in my life. 2011 really bites the big one. On top of it, I didnt get the promotion I thought I was going to get. I am limbo of transitioning roles at work and they dont want me to leave because I am very good at what I do...but yet they dont promote me. I know I shouldnt complain because many people are out of work right now, but I am working at 2 positions above mine so I just assumed I was a shoo-in for getting promoted. Everything I thought I had in my life in September of 2010 is no longer my reality. It is amazing how much life can change in 6 months!!!!
While I felt I had no say before because he made more money, I feel I have more weight and power now that we are almost equal. I look at others relationships and even though the man makes more all things are discussed and agreed upon by both parties before purchasing. His comments to me is, well you can buy what ever you want. Oh great so that now makes two people blowing money and p*s*ing away my sons future.
I feel I am past the point of counseling, I am so livid I cant even stand to look at him. I have lost all respect for him and I have hatred growing in my heart. He said that if we went to therapy the therapist would side with him.....really!?!? That is all he is wanting to go for, someone to tell him and me that he is right. It does not take a rocket scientist to tell someone your right, you shouldnt have another child. As I am typing this, I am wondering if he thinks I want him to go to therapy so we can get better and have a baby...again you know how men think!
I am just at such a low point in my life. 2011 really bites the big one. On top of it, I didnt get the promotion I thought I was going to get. I am limbo of transitioning roles at work and they dont want me to leave because I am very good at what I do...but yet they dont promote me. I know I shouldnt complain because many people are out of work right now, but I am working at 2 positions above mine so I just assumed I was a shoo-in for getting promoted. Everything I thought I had in my life in September of 2010 is no longer my reality. It is amazing how much life can change in 6 months!!!!
I SO hope You are not still trying to make another baby until IF and WHEN these MAJOR issues get resolved!!
Wow...so 2 months have past and still no therapy......I am at the end of my rope and I really dont think I can handle it longer. I partially think I have held off on calling a therapist myself because I feel he is responsible for why we are in this spot (even though I gave him a long list of covered therapists and have asked him every 2 weeks to choose one). It is always me that comes to the rescue and helps out and compromises. I want him to grow up and realize there is a need for this and he needs to take accountability.
The newest turn of events is he just leased a new car with me telling him it is not a good idea to do right now and we have 2 perfectly good cars and one that just got paid off last year. So what does he do....comes home with the new car, then I end up getting called into the dealership because my company has a corporate discount and they need my signature. After signing my signature twice, I soon realize that they had put me as a co-leasee which I was against from the get go because I didnt even want the stupid car. When we first were married he made about 1 1/2 times more than me, but now that the economy has taken a dump and I am excelling in my career we are on even playing fields.
I am just so angry that I dont think I can move past it anymore. I feel I have compromised and sacrificed all my relationship and I cant even be given respect and be considered in large decision making items. I never tell him what to do in his life and the moment I express to him it is not a good idea to purchase an item he goes behind my back and does it. It has not been the first time, in fact this is the 3rd time he has done such a thing with high dollar items. I told him after the 1st time if he did this again I am gone, and I allowed him to do it a 2nd and now a 3rd time. I am so over it and I dont know if any advice or therapy can make me want to work on this relationship. I am so worried and sad about my little boys future but I dont think I can sacrifice or give anymore of myself, when it is never reciprocated. My husband says he lets me do what ever I want.....BUT I WOULD never purchase an item over $300 without his consent...yet he can do so 100 x that!!!!
Sorry for the rant, it is just sometimes good to get it out to complete strangers, because if I ever let anyone in my immediate life know about all these details they would probably never like him!
The newest turn of events is he just leased a new car with me telling him it is not a good idea to do right now and we have 2 perfectly good cars and one that just got paid off last year. So what does he do....comes home with the new car, then I end up getting called into the dealership because my company has a corporate discount and they need my signature. After signing my signature twice, I soon realize that they had put me as a co-leasee which I was against from the get go because I didnt even want the stupid car. When we first were married he made about 1 1/2 times more than me, but now that the economy has taken a dump and I am excelling in my career we are on even playing fields.
I am just so angry that I dont think I can move past it anymore. I feel I have compromised and sacrificed all my relationship and I cant even be given respect and be considered in large decision making items. I never tell him what to do in his life and the moment I express to him it is not a good idea to purchase an item he goes behind my back and does it. It has not been the first time, in fact this is the 3rd time he has done such a thing with high dollar items. I told him after the 1st time if he did this again I am gone, and I allowed him to do it a 2nd and now a 3rd time. I am so over it and I dont know if any advice or therapy can make me want to work on this relationship. I am so worried and sad about my little boys future but I dont think I can sacrifice or give anymore of myself, when it is never reciprocated. My husband says he lets me do what ever I want.....BUT I WOULD never purchase an item over $300 without his consent...yet he can do so 100 x that!!!!
Sorry for the rant, it is just sometimes good to get it out to complete strangers, because if I ever let anyone in my immediate life know about all these details they would probably never like him!
Is this my friend who used to talk to me all the time about my relationship? Your pictures aren't up so I'm not sure. I think counseling could help. Specialmom gives great advice. Please PM me if it's you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
This sounds like a good plan babyscience. I think usually counseling falls under the mental health part of an insurance plan and you would call them and get a list of names of in network/available for service psychologists in your area. If you could drop an email without explaining why you need to know (just say you are asking for a friend or be vague------ later in person if you wish, you can tell him what is going on). Ask him the name of the psychologist/therapist and what he thought of them in terms of providing couple's therapy. Sometimes it helps to have gotten a personal reference to feel confident in choosing your therapist. Too, be prepared. Couple's therapy involves trying to get BOTH parties on the same page. That means your husband's side will be just as credible as yours and you may not love everything that is brought out. But . . . on the plus side------------ truly connecting with your husband is well worth that discomfort!
I guess I just stress that you try to connect with this man you married. I too do not love what my husband is into. That is okay unless they are really seeking your company or involvement. Then it hurts when you don't want to do it. My husband is a sports maniac. Um . . . I am NOT! Boring, snoozevile, would rather sit staring at the wall. But, I found that I had to find something that I could get on the same page with him about it. So, I do the bowl pools (and am beating him this year). I haven't watched a game but we talk about it every night and talk about the bowl pool. I also like the sob stories of players and underdogs ----------- so he gives me the articles in his sports illustrated regarding that and I read it and then we chat about it. Kind of silly, but it is our sports thing. I'll also attend a live game here and there (much better than tv) and like college basketball games the best. So I will make an effort. It makes him feel like I'm interested and we are "friends". Now, I do not bring him into my areas of things I do (gardening, etc.) because I prefer to do it alone like you. Plus . . .not looking for input as to how to do it. But we have found some things that we both like to do and try to do it together. Less now that we have kids as spare time is precious and I am selfish with it. But--------- I hope to have more shared activities down the road.
So, just work on the overall feeling between you two. I look at my husband that has some childhood wounds that now affect him as someone that needs extra patience. I feel empathy for him as he wasn't as lucky as me in the parent department. So I want him to feel lucky now and be kind to him and interested in him where others weren't always.
That is funny----------- furnace problems for us both!! We were freezing! We have an old heater so I get a service contract every year. Bonus--------- they come on weekends no extra charge and you go to the top of their call list!! It was not too expensive . . . but right after Christmas---------- every extra penny hurts, right? Hopefully yours is back to working as well! Brrrr.
I guess I just stress that you try to connect with this man you married. I too do not love what my husband is into. That is okay unless they are really seeking your company or involvement. Then it hurts when you don't want to do it. My husband is a sports maniac. Um . . . I am NOT! Boring, snoozevile, would rather sit staring at the wall. But, I found that I had to find something that I could get on the same page with him about it. So, I do the bowl pools (and am beating him this year). I haven't watched a game but we talk about it every night and talk about the bowl pool. I also like the sob stories of players and underdogs ----------- so he gives me the articles in his sports illustrated regarding that and I read it and then we chat about it. Kind of silly, but it is our sports thing. I'll also attend a live game here and there (much better than tv) and like college basketball games the best. So I will make an effort. It makes him feel like I'm interested and we are "friends". Now, I do not bring him into my areas of things I do (gardening, etc.) because I prefer to do it alone like you. Plus . . .not looking for input as to how to do it. But we have found some things that we both like to do and try to do it together. Less now that we have kids as spare time is precious and I am selfish with it. But--------- I hope to have more shared activities down the road.
So, just work on the overall feeling between you two. I look at my husband that has some childhood wounds that now affect him as someone that needs extra patience. I feel empathy for him as he wasn't as lucky as me in the parent department. So I want him to feel lucky now and be kind to him and interested in him where others weren't always.
That is funny----------- furnace problems for us both!! We were freezing! We have an old heater so I get a service contract every year. Bonus--------- they come on weekends no extra charge and you go to the top of their call list!! It was not too expensive . . . but right after Christmas---------- every extra penny hurts, right? Hopefully yours is back to working as well! Brrrr.
Specialmom, you definitely hit on very good points and the advice is so helpful!
My husband is almost 35 and feels like maybe he is going through a midlife crisis. I think we argue in different ways, he is the silent subtle sly arguer, where he throws small things in and where he will just be rude and "act out". I am the want to be heard and express my feelings type. We both do not respond well AT ALL to how the other one argues.
Right now he still has his airplane....the other stuff was material objects to fill the void of time, which is why I wanted him to sell that stuff. I would never make him sell anything he was attached to, that creates resentment, which I just dont want to hear about years down the road. So anytime he asks about what he should do with an airplane he doesnt fly, I just say do what you feel in your heart.
Another big thing for him is, I dont like doing the hobbies that he does. Which we all know most men and women hobbies could be extremely different. He wanted me to help him build his airplane with him...which I did help on one project when I was in college, and it was SOOOO boring. I sat there with a container of epoxy many nights. He know wants me to golf with him....I cant hit the ball at all and again it is boring to me. I dont expect him to want to shop with me or work on crafts or sewing. I would almost feel stifled if he did. That is my time to clear my mind.
We are better today, I apologized for acting out and told him that it is just my emotions speaking. That I am hurt about his decision and that baby thing is a sensitive subject for me.
I am going to do some research tomorrow on Doctors in the area. I was going to wait until I got back into work, because my co-worker just went through all of this last year with his wife...except his wife was cheating and wanted to leave him. Just need to figure out how the medical billing works.
Too funny...our heater is on the outs too! Why does it happen during the absolute coldest time. Hope you didnt have to pay an arm and a leg for someone to come fix it on the weekend.
My husband is almost 35 and feels like maybe he is going through a midlife crisis. I think we argue in different ways, he is the silent subtle sly arguer, where he throws small things in and where he will just be rude and "act out". I am the want to be heard and express my feelings type. We both do not respond well AT ALL to how the other one argues.
Right now he still has his airplane....the other stuff was material objects to fill the void of time, which is why I wanted him to sell that stuff. I would never make him sell anything he was attached to, that creates resentment, which I just dont want to hear about years down the road. So anytime he asks about what he should do with an airplane he doesnt fly, I just say do what you feel in your heart.
Another big thing for him is, I dont like doing the hobbies that he does. Which we all know most men and women hobbies could be extremely different. He wanted me to help him build his airplane with him...which I did help on one project when I was in college, and it was SOOOO boring. I sat there with a container of epoxy many nights. He know wants me to golf with him....I cant hit the ball at all and again it is boring to me. I dont expect him to want to shop with me or work on crafts or sewing. I would almost feel stifled if he did. That is my time to clear my mind.
We are better today, I apologized for acting out and told him that it is just my emotions speaking. That I am hurt about his decision and that baby thing is a sensitive subject for me.
I am going to do some research tomorrow on Doctors in the area. I was going to wait until I got back into work, because my co-worker just went through all of this last year with his wife...except his wife was cheating and wanted to leave him. Just need to figure out how the medical billing works.
Too funny...our heater is on the outs too! Why does it happen during the absolute coldest time. Hope you didnt have to pay an arm and a leg for someone to come fix it on the weekend.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I must say that we have some things in common babyscience. I'm a strong willed gal myself, consider myself capable, have a way of making things turn out in my favor, etc. Boy ------ is it hard when I can't control things. Don't like it much. And when it is something that I have my heart set on-------- ouch when it seems difficult to achieve.
I am going to make a suggestion that I think will have a positive end result for you. I would throw the energy and desire you have for baby into making your marriage closer. If you have a track record of getting what you want-------- this should be number one on your lists of your wants. In the end, it could net you your desired wish, a second child.
Now the way I read your post about the storage shed was this. And this is not a criticism at all but an observation meant to help. I feel like (just from what you've written which means I don't know anything for sure!!) is that your husband may feel like you don't hear him. I say that because remember------- I identify with you. I am a bit like you. My husband sometimes doesn't feel heard and then he "acts out". He'll show me that he can stop my game plan as your husband is showing you. Ugh. Hard to say here but sometimes my husband has admited he feels a little pushed around by my strong personality. I too would be the one to make him persue his dream and then decide he should sell it. And my husband would rather be the one to make that decision. So over the years, I have learned to back off and try my very best to quiet myself (my internal voices can be loud------- your internal voice is saying "Baby number 2, RIGHT NOW" and that voice makes it so you have a hard time hearing anything else)---- anyway, quieting that internal voice and listening to my husband. Really hearing him and making sure he knows it. It's really hard sometimes when I don't agree or have my own ideas already worked out. But it is essential to being a true partner.
So I tell you this personal side of some of my own struggle so that maybe it can help you. And if your goal is for him to be happy, heard and equal in this relationship------- then maybe all of your hopes and dreams will happen.
Couples can drift apart during the early childhood years. Some couples come back together and some don't. Two kids while wonderful does up the chaos level and time frame of those years where kid's needs take precedence. Well, that never ends but you know what I mean.
So when your internal voice starts screaming at you (you hit your hot button during a conversation with your husband)----- take a deep breath. Quiet your fears and remember your number one priority is your marriage at this point. Save that first above everything else.
I hope I made sense here. Our furnace went out and I'm chattering away typing while waiting for repair trucks to arrive (I hope). Wishing you luck.
I am going to make a suggestion that I think will have a positive end result for you. I would throw the energy and desire you have for baby into making your marriage closer. If you have a track record of getting what you want-------- this should be number one on your lists of your wants. In the end, it could net you your desired wish, a second child.
Now the way I read your post about the storage shed was this. And this is not a criticism at all but an observation meant to help. I feel like (just from what you've written which means I don't know anything for sure!!) is that your husband may feel like you don't hear him. I say that because remember------- I identify with you. I am a bit like you. My husband sometimes doesn't feel heard and then he "acts out". He'll show me that he can stop my game plan as your husband is showing you. Ugh. Hard to say here but sometimes my husband has admited he feels a little pushed around by my strong personality. I too would be the one to make him persue his dream and then decide he should sell it. And my husband would rather be the one to make that decision. So over the years, I have learned to back off and try my very best to quiet myself (my internal voices can be loud------- your internal voice is saying "Baby number 2, RIGHT NOW" and that voice makes it so you have a hard time hearing anything else)---- anyway, quieting that internal voice and listening to my husband. Really hearing him and making sure he knows it. It's really hard sometimes when I don't agree or have my own ideas already worked out. But it is essential to being a true partner.
So I tell you this personal side of some of my own struggle so that maybe it can help you. And if your goal is for him to be happy, heard and equal in this relationship------- then maybe all of your hopes and dreams will happen.
Couples can drift apart during the early childhood years. Some couples come back together and some don't. Two kids while wonderful does up the chaos level and time frame of those years where kid's needs take precedence. Well, that never ends but you know what I mean.
So when your internal voice starts screaming at you (you hit your hot button during a conversation with your husband)----- take a deep breath. Quiet your fears and remember your number one priority is your marriage at this point. Save that first above everything else.
I hope I made sense here. Our furnace went out and I'm chattering away typing while waiting for repair trucks to arrive (I hope). Wishing you luck.
I understand how you feel about the baby. My wife and I went through fertility treatment for some time before finally conceiving our first child. Every month that she was not pregnant was a big let down, not only for her but for me too. The time, the anticipation, all of it just adds up, and that itself can be a big time bomb when youre not getting the support you need.
This is where communication is key. There is a big difference in talking and communication. Counseling will help with that. And even while rearing children, there needs to be ample time spent between the two of you. It is critical to the marriage. It can not always be just you and the baby, and then him. You guys need a bit of you time. Perhaps it is reconnecting at bed time, or the morning... whatever. But communication is the key.
Just wondering, how old is your husband? Just a ball park figure.... With some of the problems my wife and I have gone through, the typical male stereotypes were me to a tee!!! Stubborn, strong, outspoken, and I wasn't going to give in to a therapist for my problems.... that is the wrong thinking.
Therapy/counseling can help. Find a counselor with a good reputation, and both of you have to be willing to spill all of the beans. For a lot of guys, this is hard to do. Letting someone know about your most intimate issues really isnt something that a lot of guys can do.... some women as well.
This is where communication is key. There is a big difference in talking and communication. Counseling will help with that. And even while rearing children, there needs to be ample time spent between the two of you. It is critical to the marriage. It can not always be just you and the baby, and then him. You guys need a bit of you time. Perhaps it is reconnecting at bed time, or the morning... whatever. But communication is the key.
Just wondering, how old is your husband? Just a ball park figure.... With some of the problems my wife and I have gone through, the typical male stereotypes were me to a tee!!! Stubborn, strong, outspoken, and I wasn't going to give in to a therapist for my problems.... that is the wrong thinking.
Therapy/counseling can help. Find a counselor with a good reputation, and both of you have to be willing to spill all of the beans. For a lot of guys, this is hard to do. Letting someone know about your most intimate issues really isnt something that a lot of guys can do.... some women as well.
The storage of stuff isnt a root cause of problems wrong. It is more of a blow up of me when the topic is hit on. The only baby items I have left are the big items...all of my sons clothes I have stashed away in my closet. I have even given away his swing, because that really took up alot of space and was an awkward fit. But I brought up the argument because it is me trying to be understanding of him...but when baby is brought into the conversation I go irate. How do you avoid doing that? I dont like to be like that. It is such a big wound right now and I feel the world I once knew has been flipped and shaken, like a snow globe.
As I mentioned before we have been trying for 5 months, that is alot of emotional investment from a female to find out your are not pregnant every month, so I understand my portion of this let down and I think I was living in a false reality thinking we would weather thru. I felt all couples go thru this when having children, but it is short term....they grow so fast, then you reconnect. I was willing to accept alot of faults and disappointment because he is my husband (my family) and I stood by him.
I am hoping counseling will get us through this.
As I mentioned before we have been trying for 5 months, that is alot of emotional investment from a female to find out your are not pregnant every month, so I understand my portion of this let down and I think I was living in a false reality thinking we would weather thru. I felt all couples go thru this when having children, but it is short term....they grow so fast, then you reconnect. I was willing to accept alot of faults and disappointment because he is my husband (my family) and I stood by him.
I am hoping counseling will get us through this.
I am not trying to be judgemental, rather trying to give my unbiased opinion. From reading all of the above, it seems as if neither of you are willing to budge. He wants everything his way, you want it yours.
Knowing all along that you wanted 2 kids, he should be too suprised that you are waiting. Consequently, perhaps the miscarriage is weighing heavy on him. Not only did he take his own loss, but perhaps watching you grieve adds to it.... (just thinking out loud)
Arguing about the kids clothing and the likes in storage is kind of a moot point. It isnt the root of the problem, it is a by product of the problem. Compromise! Get rid of some of it maybe? I don't know.... you said your family is very supportive. Keep the big things perhaps...changing table, crib, etc. Things like toys.... they can go. Toys are inexpensive. Clothing... we amassed a bunch of clothing with our first child and saved almost all of it for our second child.... our second child out grew most of that stuff before he was into it because of all of the new clothing he received. Perhaps some of the baby clothing can go too. But.... But.... he should be willing to compromise as well. Whether its getting rid of some of his stuff, or just taking the leap into counseling.... he has to compromise as well. It's not like you just sprung the idea of another child on him.
I'd suggest counseling, but the truth needs to come out. Every marriage needs communication, and in every marriage, there does need to be a bit of compromise.
Knowing all along that you wanted 2 kids, he should be too suprised that you are waiting. Consequently, perhaps the miscarriage is weighing heavy on him. Not only did he take his own loss, but perhaps watching you grieve adds to it.... (just thinking out loud)
Arguing about the kids clothing and the likes in storage is kind of a moot point. It isnt the root of the problem, it is a by product of the problem. Compromise! Get rid of some of it maybe? I don't know.... you said your family is very supportive. Keep the big things perhaps...changing table, crib, etc. Things like toys.... they can go. Toys are inexpensive. Clothing... we amassed a bunch of clothing with our first child and saved almost all of it for our second child.... our second child out grew most of that stuff before he was into it because of all of the new clothing he received. Perhaps some of the baby clothing can go too. But.... But.... he should be willing to compromise as well. Whether its getting rid of some of his stuff, or just taking the leap into counseling.... he has to compromise as well. It's not like you just sprung the idea of another child on him.
I'd suggest counseling, but the truth needs to come out. Every marriage needs communication, and in every marriage, there does need to be a bit of compromise.
Sorry, my posts are so long and thank you all for taking the time to read and respond.....Wow...you guys give such GREAT advice.....THANK YOU again!
I feel his upbringing has ALOT to do with it. The only sibling that remembers their childhood is his oldest sister (my husband is the youngest), she doesnt like what she remembers and is very angry with her mom. His mom had very bad men come into their life right after she left his dad. The things he does remember were the RC cars and planes he built with his dad, the dirt bike his mom got him for Christmas and the airplane his dad got him into building (a real one). So all the items that made him happy in life were material goods. I am thinking, maybe my husband gets depressed around Christmas is because it never amounted to anything fun for him. Maybe he was always let down by it. Again, the only one he could remember was the one at his aunts house where she bought him a TON of toys and a rifle. It seems like life around him was so much better than his own.
His mom now has early dementia and cant remember that he is even her child, his grandparents are still alive but 90 years old. The grandparents truly were the rock to the family and to see them get older it scares him. He feels he will have no family left. He doesnt talk to the older sister, but he talks to the middle one every couple weeks....she is the more family type of all of them. She came for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
The thing that my husband wants for his son is a family. He talks about what if he got killed and I was left with two kids, how would I manage it. I tell him I would find a way, I have never failed in my life at anything and I have a VERY supportive and times overbearing family. I work full time and make a great salary, I would not need his income...I would lose my house, but isnt everyone right now!?
When I asked him before about counseling...even before we got married, to make sure we were on the same page about things, he has denied it. Now he knows he needs to go and wants to go. Which is great and we have talked about a lot of things. But it just exploded again last night....on our special date night. Once we got home, we were talking about how our house just explodes with stuff...it bugs him my sons toys are everywhere. So I said well lets clean out the garage....which is all his stuff. He said please do because your stuff is everywhere down there and all the baby crap is taking up the shed we got. Which it really isnt taking up all of it, but some. These are items I have saved because I know I was planning for a number 2. My son used them a few times and they are ALL in good condition. So that hurt bad. That to me is a real cut, and no glimmer of hope....so I of course Screamed back "please do because it is now only holding a reminder of something I cant have." He responded, well if we have another one we will just buy new stuff for it....but seriously all the baby stuff adds up. I am not gonna buy all that stuff over again. I try to be understanding of his problems, but this topic bring a really short fuse to me. He has basically stripped me of a dream and a goal I have had.....as I said previously I never fail....if I set my mind to it, I will achieve and accomplish it.
Early this year, I had let and encouraged him to achieve his life long goal of building an airplane. He was going to give it up, but I told him if it makes you happy and makes you start to feel your life had quality to it, then do it.....I know it will be a lot of money to complete but do it. Now that it is complete he feels it has too much power for him and he is afraid to fly it, but doesnt want to get rid of it (again I understand that). So he was looking on the internet endlessly for another project for him to do. He bought a bunch of big ticket items without telling me because he knew I would say no, well eventually I found out when they rolled up to our house. That is when the big arguments started too. I told him, I have never been dishonest with him and I have always told him clearly what my desires were. So that is when he agreed to "give" me baby number 2....in a attempt to be somewhat supportive of my dreams. Maybe since I made him sell that stuff he felt it would be appropriate to pull my dream away too? I dont know.
Sorry for the rambling, I am just really trying to walk thru all of our scenarios and it helps for me to get it out.
Sounds pretty much like my marriage the first time around. We both wanted a family in the beginning, but things changed. When I couldn't conceive and needed his cooperation on fertility testing and therapy, he couldn't deliver. I was so focused on the bio clock ticking I didn't see his absolute panic about fatherhood. By the time I did, it was too late for the marriage.
My husband reacted to the stress of possible fatherhood the same way as yours by spending lots and lots of money on big expensive boy-toys - boats and motorcycles. He had an emotional affair with a woman in our biker group. Had texting been around in those days, he would have behaved exactly as your husband is behaving.
I had to give up my dream of children but I'm comfortable with that now. In many ways, it worked out for the best. Good old hindsight again, yes? I didn't discover why he was so afraid for another 15 years. He has PTSD from severe child abuse and is only now beginning to recover with therapy. At the time I wanted to get pregnant, he couldn't bring himself to discuss that part of his life. I knew nothing about it so all I got was, "I can't be a daddy." End of story. I left.
By his actions, your husband is telling you he does not want to be a father again. The more you push him about it, the further he withdraws from the marriage. You two have to talk about this with honesty and no pressure. Having that discussion with a therapist is a safe way to do it without one or both of you blowing up and getting nothing constructive accomplished. Be prepared to hear things you probably don't want to hear, but if it's honesty from both sides you'll at least have a place to start. You may eventually have to choose between baby #2 and your marriage. I hope not. Baby #1 needs you both.
My husband reacted to the stress of possible fatherhood the same way as yours by spending lots and lots of money on big expensive boy-toys - boats and motorcycles. He had an emotional affair with a woman in our biker group. Had texting been around in those days, he would have behaved exactly as your husband is behaving.
I had to give up my dream of children but I'm comfortable with that now. In many ways, it worked out for the best. Good old hindsight again, yes? I didn't discover why he was so afraid for another 15 years. He has PTSD from severe child abuse and is only now beginning to recover with therapy. At the time I wanted to get pregnant, he couldn't bring himself to discuss that part of his life. I knew nothing about it so all I got was, "I can't be a daddy." End of story. I left.
By his actions, your husband is telling you he does not want to be a father again. The more you push him about it, the further he withdraws from the marriage. You two have to talk about this with honesty and no pressure. Having that discussion with a therapist is a safe way to do it without one or both of you blowing up and getting nothing constructive accomplished. Be prepared to hear things you probably don't want to hear, but if it's honesty from both sides you'll at least have a place to start. You may eventually have to choose between baby #2 and your marriage. I hope not. Baby #1 needs you both.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, I'm sorry. I hear the sadness in your writing. You have a heavy heart. I am very sorry about that.
When someone says that their husband is selfish--------- that is often the case. However, it helps to try to understand why. You speak of his childhood and I'm guessing it was difficult on him emotionally. He may not have had the same bonding you did with your parents and particularly his mother or adequate bonding so that now he is kind of on his own island. Kind of takes care of himself first. This is more common than you think. Hard to live with though. But as you said, he is aware of this. One thing that I think helps is to talk about this with empathy. Most adults that have some emotional wounds do not want to do that to their own children. This is a golden ticket for you to communicate to him about change. Not------- you must change. But rather, what kind of parent do you want to be? How do you want your son to think of you? What didn't you get as a kid that you wanted-------- now is your chance to relive it as the parent. Then talk about that same kind of thing as his partner. With empathy that he may be a little stunted in his emotional development. It is hard not to be angry---- but people run from anger. You don't want him to run but to embrace his life. So go with being open and empathetic and look at it like you are going to help him along.
Now, I hear what you are saying and see what Perch means. Deep down you feel you may have pushed him into marriage and kids. And maybe you did a bit. But don't take on that burden. What is done is done. Forgive him for having to ask for help from your mother--------- and all past crimes of making you feel wanted. But . . . I agree that I would back off of baby number 2 for now. Your dreams are not lost dear. They aren't and you can't look at it that way. Slowing down the plan does not mean that it is over entirely. I hear ya on the biological clock but . . . as I had baby number one at 38 and baby number two at 39------- your clock as lots of time left. I get you probably want siblings to be closer in age but my sister is 5 years older than me and we are very good friends, quite close. I say to back off of this for two reasons.
First, you need to strengthen your marriage at this point. I think therapy is an excellent idea. I would try to not work on just how he doesn't want the same things you do but instead-------- how you can understand each other, see how the other views marriage and family, come together and be close again as a couple. This is what you two need to do to have a happy home. Babies are such wonderful things and I hope that you are able to have another one but making your home a close knit, happy place takes priority. And then when you do get pregnant--------- it will be so much better!
The second reason I say to wait is because with the pressure that has built over this---- well, I think it puts a bit of a cloud over something that should be a cherished thing. You already wonder if he wanted to marry or have your son (which I'm sure he loves very much and you as well or he would have done what a lot of men do--------- leave)------- so, when you have baby number two, I want you to be confident that is what you want as a couple.
As to the texting. Ugh. Okay, this speaks to me that he is trying to escape. This is not a great thing, as you know. It may not be flirtatious or anything in his mind that will lead to an affair (I don't know about that)------- but he is finding comfort outside his marriage (as noted he texted all day on Christmas------ yuck!). He knows you know. And since you do-------- ask him to stop immediately. Ask him to limit contact with her. Be watchful.
But I am hoping that marriage counseling and a renewed attitude with you both about finding common ground as a couple and trying to please each other in that regard will make him less likely to want to spend spare time texting someone else. You're at a turning point in which you can really change the course of your marriage. And for your sake, your son's and all of your dreams--------- I hope it works out as you want it to!! Best of luck and peace.
When someone says that their husband is selfish--------- that is often the case. However, it helps to try to understand why. You speak of his childhood and I'm guessing it was difficult on him emotionally. He may not have had the same bonding you did with your parents and particularly his mother or adequate bonding so that now he is kind of on his own island. Kind of takes care of himself first. This is more common than you think. Hard to live with though. But as you said, he is aware of this. One thing that I think helps is to talk about this with empathy. Most adults that have some emotional wounds do not want to do that to their own children. This is a golden ticket for you to communicate to him about change. Not------- you must change. But rather, what kind of parent do you want to be? How do you want your son to think of you? What didn't you get as a kid that you wanted-------- now is your chance to relive it as the parent. Then talk about that same kind of thing as his partner. With empathy that he may be a little stunted in his emotional development. It is hard not to be angry---- but people run from anger. You don't want him to run but to embrace his life. So go with being open and empathetic and look at it like you are going to help him along.
Now, I hear what you are saying and see what Perch means. Deep down you feel you may have pushed him into marriage and kids. And maybe you did a bit. But don't take on that burden. What is done is done. Forgive him for having to ask for help from your mother--------- and all past crimes of making you feel wanted. But . . . I agree that I would back off of baby number 2 for now. Your dreams are not lost dear. They aren't and you can't look at it that way. Slowing down the plan does not mean that it is over entirely. I hear ya on the biological clock but . . . as I had baby number one at 38 and baby number two at 39------- your clock as lots of time left. I get you probably want siblings to be closer in age but my sister is 5 years older than me and we are very good friends, quite close. I say to back off of this for two reasons.
First, you need to strengthen your marriage at this point. I think therapy is an excellent idea. I would try to not work on just how he doesn't want the same things you do but instead-------- how you can understand each other, see how the other views marriage and family, come together and be close again as a couple. This is what you two need to do to have a happy home. Babies are such wonderful things and I hope that you are able to have another one but making your home a close knit, happy place takes priority. And then when you do get pregnant--------- it will be so much better!
The second reason I say to wait is because with the pressure that has built over this---- well, I think it puts a bit of a cloud over something that should be a cherished thing. You already wonder if he wanted to marry or have your son (which I'm sure he loves very much and you as well or he would have done what a lot of men do--------- leave)------- so, when you have baby number two, I want you to be confident that is what you want as a couple.
As to the texting. Ugh. Okay, this speaks to me that he is trying to escape. This is not a great thing, as you know. It may not be flirtatious or anything in his mind that will lead to an affair (I don't know about that)------- but he is finding comfort outside his marriage (as noted he texted all day on Christmas------ yuck!). He knows you know. And since you do-------- ask him to stop immediately. Ask him to limit contact with her. Be watchful.
But I am hoping that marriage counseling and a renewed attitude with you both about finding common ground as a couple and trying to please each other in that regard will make him less likely to want to spend spare time texting someone else. You're at a turning point in which you can really change the course of your marriage. And for your sake, your son's and all of your dreams--------- I hope it works out as you want it to!! Best of luck and peace.
Oh to clarify...it ended up not being the client, but an employee for his company.
I found out about it because we were going to try for number 2 that month (I guess I left out that we have been trying for 5 months to get pregnant with #2, I guess that is why I am so hurt)....and he threw a bigger stink about trying then the normal rolling of the eyes. So I said to him, "Do you really even want to be with me. You have been distant ALL month, way more than usual. I know you are depressed during this time, but it doesnt seem right." He just responded he was unsure if we would make it with a number 2. I got upset and hopped right on the computer, did a little research into text and call logs. Placed them all out on Excel spreadsheets and applied different sorting factors to it....sorry I am a science nerd. I found the main number and had NO clue who it could belong to. I was thinking it could have been a client which is a really nice married woman he talks to. So I snuck and took his phone when he was sleeping. I looked for texts and of course they were ALL deleted...classic cheating 101 right there, never be caught with the physical evidence. Then I clicked some random button...maybe the back button, and her name and number pulled up. I march into the bedroom at 2am and flipped on the lights and asked if he was cheating on me. He said no...and I said well WHY in the h*ll are you texting this girl at all hours, all day, and on Christmas. He then responded she is just a friend and most of it was work related and useless banter and I told her I was depressed. So that is where I am at now. Left with a whole lot of trust issues, a broken marriage and broken dreams.
Thank you perch101. I do feel exactly that way and that is why I feel where do I begin....and I am afraid to admit it is at the beginning. I think sometimes it is hard for a woman with a biological clock to make certain decisions that they know will set them back in having a family. I feel more of the resentment is now boiling up in me....if that makes sense!?! Resentment he went along with something he didnt really want, resentment that he has always known my 3 main goals and if he couldnt satisfy them he stayed in our relationship killing time, and lastly resentment that the family I had envisioned ALL my life is not going to happen. I know we have problems we need to work on before we bring in a another life into the world, but again I am set back on my "timeline" of life. I feel I need to make a decision soon and I dont think I will be okay if I dont have a second child. It is already breaking my heart know that potential situation is there. Every time I think of that part, I start bawling as if I am grieving something that was never there....grieving the idea.
A little more background to him:
His parents divorced when he was 2. His sisters have MAJOR problems with getting married and have dated guys for a long time until they have wanted to get married to them, then they pull back and out of the relationship. He moved in with his grandparents at 15 y/o because he hounded his mom enough to let her agree to it. His dad, was strict with him and had more of a "business" relationship with him but got him into desiring materialistic things. His dad died of cancer, and a few years before he did, he really tried to teach my husband differently. Telling him family is most important, but it was too late for that to stick in a 29 y/o mind who has been raised differently.
As far as the girl at work goes, the difficult thing is my husband is required to text her for his job. He has stopped texting excessively since our huge blow out and said it just got out of control. My heart wants to believe him, but I am just not sure my mind can. I am just SO angry....and I dont know if I can move past it. Lets say he didnt cheat on me, in my mind it was a near miss and he was letting her into is life. It just shows he is willing to look outside the marriage for someone else to listen to him.
A little more background to him:
His parents divorced when he was 2. His sisters have MAJOR problems with getting married and have dated guys for a long time until they have wanted to get married to them, then they pull back and out of the relationship. He moved in with his grandparents at 15 y/o because he hounded his mom enough to let her agree to it. His dad, was strict with him and had more of a "business" relationship with him but got him into desiring materialistic things. His dad died of cancer, and a few years before he did, he really tried to teach my husband differently. Telling him family is most important, but it was too late for that to stick in a 29 y/o mind who has been raised differently.
As far as the girl at work goes, the difficult thing is my husband is required to text her for his job. He has stopped texting excessively since our huge blow out and said it just got out of control. My heart wants to believe him, but I am just not sure my mind can. I am just SO angry....and I dont know if I can move past it. Lets say he didnt cheat on me, in my mind it was a near miss and he was letting her into is life. It just shows he is willing to look outside the marriage for someone else to listen to him.
I know your heart is broken and it seems like there is not a lot of communication. Communication is key in marriage. Perhaps this is where counseling will help.
As for the texting. Extremely inappropriate. How did you find out it was a girl from work? did he openly admit this? Sorry, I would have to put my foot down there. Explain to him how that makes you feel when he is spending ANY remote time giving ANY other woman that much time over you. Plain and simple. I'm upset for you :(
As for the texting. Extremely inappropriate. How did you find out it was a girl from work? did he openly admit this? Sorry, I would have to put my foot down there. Explain to him how that makes you feel when he is spending ANY remote time giving ANY other woman that much time over you. Plain and simple. I'm upset for you :(
Okay - Im sorry your going through a difficult time with your husband, it must be very hard especially with a child involved.
One thing kind of stands out too me in your post - please don't get angry - but it sounds like your partner was never that interested in getting married or having children - and for both of these things you really had to push him - even though he was letting you know he didn't want these things? Like you had to wear him down despite him not having the same goals? Yours being marriage + children, his being big ticket purchases. This is now coming out in his behaviour from the outset- eg. not caring about getting an engagement ring - not being a helpful father - and now being outright rude to you and your son.
I guess with hindsite it would have been good to find somone with the same goals as you (marriage, children) HOWEVER - hindsites a beautiful thing hey? And really - he could have been much more forthright and clearly told you his goals did not match yours - rather than getting married, having a child, and THEN being all resentful about it. At the end of the day he is a grown man and he did go along with it so he shouldnt be taking it out on you........or your son..............after all he DID consent to the marriage/having a child.
I do agree with you that couples counselling would be helpful. Be prepared that he may voice resentment that may be hard to hear - but it could be so theraputic to both explain how you feel with an impartial person mediating - you may find some common ground and compromise!
And the texting a woman from work? Thats not okay on any level - you need to let him know its not okay on any level - texting until 11.30 at night is way crossing the line!
Best of luck with it - Im sure others will be along soon to give you great insite/advise.
One thing kind of stands out too me in your post - please don't get angry - but it sounds like your partner was never that interested in getting married or having children - and for both of these things you really had to push him - even though he was letting you know he didn't want these things? Like you had to wear him down despite him not having the same goals? Yours being marriage + children, his being big ticket purchases. This is now coming out in his behaviour from the outset- eg. not caring about getting an engagement ring - not being a helpful father - and now being outright rude to you and your son.
I guess with hindsite it would have been good to find somone with the same goals as you (marriage, children) HOWEVER - hindsites a beautiful thing hey? And really - he could have been much more forthright and clearly told you his goals did not match yours - rather than getting married, having a child, and THEN being all resentful about it. At the end of the day he is a grown man and he did go along with it so he shouldnt be taking it out on you........or your son..............after all he DID consent to the marriage/having a child.
I do agree with you that couples counselling would be helpful. Be prepared that he may voice resentment that may be hard to hear - but it could be so theraputic to both explain how you feel with an impartial person mediating - you may find some common ground and compromise!
And the texting a woman from work? Thats not okay on any level - you need to let him know its not okay on any level - texting until 11.30 at night is way crossing the line!
Best of luck with it - Im sure others will be along soon to give you great insite/advise.
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