Don't trust myself to make the right choice

[so_unsure]

Been married almost 5yrs and am now on affair #2.  The history is that I met my husband when I was 23 and after a month of dating he proposed, and a month after that we were married in a courthouse.  He is 10yrs older than me, and I was very much in love with him.  We had a great first 2yrs or so together and then since he worked nights and I worked days, I started to get extremely lonely.  My husband is also very quiet and we hardly talk about anything.  I started having an affair that went on pretty intensely for 6 months and then my husband found out.  He confronted me about it, and at the time I had been planning to look at a place to live with this other guy.  My husband expressed that he loved me very much and didn't want to lose me and we decided to stay together and I tried to end my contact with the other man.  He was extremely persistant, I even got his number blocked, but he still called me at work and whatnot.  We continued to see each other and be intimate, but it was extremely few and far between.  I have since lost all interest in this other guy, but he still to this day texts me every so often.  Since losing interest in this other man, I started taking a very hard look at my marraige.  My husband had some neck and shoulder pain for a few years now, but he has had therapy that has greatly improved it and he seems a little livelier.  However, we only have sex maybe once a month.  We still don't communicate as much as I feel I need and in the past I expressed that I am not happy and we need to do something about it, and I'm not sure why, but my husband just seemed to brush me off.  I started going to therapy, but my husband would not attend.  I felt like he didn't really care if we stayed together.  I know I screwed things up with that affair and it was hard for him to forgive me.  But I am a very sexual person, and he hardly ever touched me or made me feel like he wanted me or was attracted to me.  Six months into therapy, a man came into my life that is incredible.  When we met, he was extremely easy to talk to, and in starting our friendship, I disclosed that I have pretty much given up on my marraige, and knew divorce was in my future.  He was an attractive man, and he was very attracted to me.  Then one day he told me he wanted to kiss me and it was such a whirlwind, we started having an affair.  It is intense and incredible and I feel so in love with him.  The decision should be easy at this point, but suddenly my husband has started to try to do everything I always wanted him to do.  He's being playful, making me feel wanted, trying to wine and dine me, and trying to initiate sex a lot more.  However, I feel like this affair number two was the breaking point to push me over the edge and finally decide to end it and I had started to look at places to live on my own.  I almost feel like its too little too late, as I can see my husband is trying, but for some reason I'm not being receptive to it, and I feel like I'm not in love with him anymore (but I do love him in a sense that I care very much about him).  The fact that he is suddenly trying makes me feel extremely guilty.  Part of the reason why I stayed with him after the first affair was that since I married him, I felt obligate to try and make it work.  I still feel obligated to him since we are married, but I don't know if I will ever be happy with him, and if I will ever be able to stay faithful because of that.   Any thoughts?

[Lira_MHModerator]

This thread is veering off-track toward a discussion on the religious merits of divorce rather than giving the reader helpful opinions.  If you wish to have this sort of in-depth religious discussion, it would be appropriate to do so in one of our many user groups related to this subject.  You are also welcome to create your own user group for this purpose.  Please move back to the direct topic at hand and take this portion of the conversation elsewhere.

[specialmom]

tbabi, that was not what I stated.  Reference to one's faith and the bible happen on this forum and by more members than just you.  However, this thread was going down a different path in my opinion. I never singled you out and never said your advice was bad.  My first comments were directed to the talking member to member about what they had written to the poster and talking about how one saw it relate to their faith verses another.  At least my take on it was that.  My second comment regarding religion and this forum was because this post was brought back up and in a way that I thought I needed to say something.  

I'm sorry you see "bad" advice given here as I think most do their best to help.  I include you in that as well and appreciate the advice you have given.

[specialmom]

One last thing, giving advice is different than a dissertation on what another sees wrong with a person's  lifestyle. Let's stick to advice.

[tbabi20]

I don't think I was trying to have a religious discussion here. The lady posted her problem so I looked at it from the bible's perspective. So now whenever I want to give advice I can only give it without Christ? I've given advice here before with a christian perspective and it's never turned out like this. I guess the people I responded to were tolerant of different religions? I don't know.

But to me specialmom, I don't understand how you can put your Christianity in the closet when you need to so easily. You stated you want this forum free of Christianity so the public can be happy; so I will respect your wishes and leave this public forum. I'm not looking for sympathy so don't take it as such it's just that I've seen too much bad advice here and I'm saddened that one from the bible is taken as such too.

[specialmom]

And one point of clarification, it is not so much a reference to one's faith but the discussion between different posters about what was right or wrong with their advice based on the other's faith.  And when we do discuss our own interpretation of the bible, we also must respect that other's may not see it that way at all and there is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to personal belief.  Some may find the discussion of religion here off topic completely depending on their personal belief.  That is why we have groups for those discussions.

[specialmom]

This forum is for everyone and religion is something that is very personal.  Two Christians can disagree vehemently on what they believe to be what God says and wants for us.  Therefore, sticking to the topic and staying away from discussion between posters on their own religious view is much more helpful.  Thank you for respecting this.

There are many groups for those who want to have religious discussions.  

[penswriter]

Not everyone who posts or reads is religious. Not everyone has the same beliefs. It's a public forum, not a religious one. What one believes may not be how someone else does and is a quick way to offend a lot of people.

[Myown]

Great advice tbabi!  It's not possible to discuss marriage without discussing the Creator of Man and Woman and what He expects of a marriage.


Hey I see " Little by Little" in this thread huh? :)
But good job tbabi!

[tbabi20]

DellaKemp: Who is judging anyone's church? All I said was based from the Bible and I even said that God, her and her husband know what's truly going on. But this lady addressed exactly what is happening in her marriage asking for advice. Ticked mother didn't address any of it, but feared that if she divorced people would draw conclusions. I think that is wrong, because they don't know. So what kind of advice to you want me to give to un_sure?  

Anyways, I hope this is closed now. I gave my advice and it was taken in every way imaginable. Good day all.

[DellaKemp]

I didn't think that we were in a debate. But Ill make sure that I don't voice that point of my opinion.

[teko]

Fact: two affairs with in the time span of a 5 year marriage.
Fact: the marriage has cooled and so has the first affair.
Fact: the second affair will go bust as well.

Obviously you do not and have not taken you vows seriously, so as far as leaving your marriage, you did that when you had the first affair.

Fact: Until you get some help from a counselor, and realize what a real relationship entails, you will not have a successful one, period.

Fact: You are in love with the idea of being in love. You like the part that happens when you first meet someone and are attracted to them. When it cools to what a real relationship is, you bail in search of that initial attraction and excitement.

You are not marriage material at this point in your life. Stay off men and work on you.

[specialmom]

I also want to emphasize that this forum is not appropriate for a religious debate.  I'm Christian but do not agree with some things said here.  Religious belief is your personal truth and that does not mean it must apply to everyone.  Thanks for keeping this in mind in the future.  

I've yet to meet someone I felt could tell me what God really thinks.  It is just their interpretation until I hear it for myself.  

[specialmom]

Well this is a public forum and one's religious beliefs don't necessarily carry over to everyone who posts here.  We all need to remember that and post accordingly.

I think that for some it IS the right decision to leave a marriage and hurting our partner over and over is one of those reasons.  She married very young and has some things to work through to grow emotionally.  And I will say that a marriage takes two.  If her husband is unwilling to work on their shared issues as a couple, he is actually exiting the marriage emotionally.  

I'm not a fan of divorce and encourage couples to do everything possible to work it out.  Sometimes it just can't be made better.  Wishing her luck as she sorts it all out.

[DellaKemp]

I know that you adressed some of the stuff that I was saying, hince why I said in my post, I agree...  IMO, I wouldn't go attacking someones church saying that something ashould have been an indicator that Christ is not there especially if you know nothing abut that church. You said that Christians aren't supposed to judge, but offer kind christian advice, well based on what i gathered from ticked's post, the chuirch was telling her mother the same thing you are saying. Same advice. Its all in the way it is said and perceived. Please don't apologize for trying to bring the Christian perspective into this. You should Never apologize for that.Its an awesome perspective that needs to be shown and talked about in a lot of lifes situations. What better way to witness :)

[tbabi20]

DellaKemp: God gave only one cause why a wife should leave her husband, or the husband leave his wife, which was adultery. For everything else you wrote, I already addressed that. I said they should communicate and determine if it's worth salvaging. I think the entire thing really is up to him, because she was the one cheating. Not that she doesn't get a choice too, but the hurt is more him than anything, if she wants to continue things.

Ticked: The people that judged your mother did not acting in a Christian way. Christians know that they are not to judge but only offer their advice, support and sympathy. That should have been her indicator that Christ isn't in that church, and possibly just left. I'm saddened that she was worried about what man thinks.The case is between her and her husband and their God together. The church never knew of her circumstances but truly God knows and sees all.

Anyways, A woman may be legally divorced from her husband by the laws of the land and yet not divorced in the sight of God and according to the higher law. There is only one sin, which is adultery, which can place the husband or wife in a position where they can be free from the marriage vow in the sight of God. Although the laws of the land may grant a divorce, yet they are husband and wife still in the Bible light, according to the laws of God.

I guess since she's not a christian so we should just give her all kinds of advice, since Christianity isn't valid here. Sorry for wanting to give her a Christians perspective. I just don't see enough of them on here anymore and I wonder why?

[DellaKemp]

Oh also, I don't think it was a matter of she was tooo young to get married, She just wasn't ready to get married.And thats ok. But to put an age on it is not fair IMO. I have been married for 2 yrs and I am 23.

[DellaKemp]

tbabi20: The bible always spoke int terms from the male point of view, but I am soo sure that it goes both ways. All I was saying is the the bond is broken. I was talking about whose choice it is to leave or not to leave.  So If the husband cheats on his wife, and the bond is broken, the wife still has no choice in the matter if she wants to leave even though she was the one cheated on? I know that she did the cheating, and I agree, that she should do everything in her power to make it work, but if her heart is no longer in, then no amount of work is going to make it beter and staying together by his choice or hers is only going to make them even more miserable and cause even more sinning, and isn't there a verse in the bible that talks about not putting your brother or sister in Christ in a postion where they will be tempted.

Ticked: You are soo right, if she doesn't believe, then none of this will apply.

[ticked]

If she doesn't believe in the bible it wouldn't make a difference on her decision.

Her mind and body is not in this relationship.  Why hurt him more, that is all I am saying.

I believe that marriage is a forever thing and I don't plan on getting married unless I know for sure, but not everyone believes that.  

I have always been the one that was cheated on so I am bothered by anyone who cheats, and I could never stay in a relationship when someone has cheated on me.  Sorry I just dont think its ever the same.

I have seen some people make it work and stay together and some of them are Christians but I don't believe that the one cheated on ever really forgets and they are the ones that have to live with that.


Why would you want to stay with someone that has been with another women?  Not just one time but for a long period of time.  

As much as I believe in the sacrament of marriage I would never stay. JMO

[tbabi20]

DellaKemp: Yes I know that but it is up to her husband to determine if he wishes to continue on since loyalty and trust has been broken. Marriages that face infidelity can be saved - I've seen it happen, but it takes an effort on both their parts. It's like when Hosea married a prostiute. How many times did he forgive her? He did it because he consulted with God and he loved her. Marriage is a symbol of Christ and the church. How many times has the church turned it's back on God and worshipped foreign gods? Many many many times, but God never gave up on her. He punished her sometimes but ultimately forgave and and won her back by his love. This is the way marriages should be too. Forbearance, forgiveness and love. We all make mistakes....

Ticked: Again it's not her choice to leave. It's her husbands. The Bible makes it clear that the person who committed adultery is not to marry again but he can because he didn't commit adultery. I think they should work it out and try. Marriages can survive when their is adultery. He survived the first one, he seems like a good guy - so if she possibly makes it clear that she has a problem and wants to go to counseling together he may stick around. There has to be a change in her and I would hate to see her leave her husband and be unhappy knowing she never tried to make things better and now is living worse than before.

I hope this clears up any confusion and I hope no one sees this an attack on them. I'm simply staying what is fair and logical. I think the way the world is the way it is is because too many people want to do what heir feeling dictate rather than what is morally right and wrong to do. There would be a lot more happy marriages in this world if people would learn what marriage is about before jumping into one, in blind passion.

[ticked]

Exactly DellaKemp.

My mother chose to stay even after being cheated on because the church made her feel guilty and told her it was the right thing to do. As per the bible she had the right to leave.

[DellaKemp]

You quote the bible correctly, but once infidelity had happend, the bond of marriage from a biblcal standpoint has been broken.

Matthew 19:8-9

[ticked]

Why would I tell her to leave?  When you cheat you the other person will never forget.  It will always be there.  There has been deceit and getting past that is hard.  Coming from someone who as been cheated on, she needs to leave.  

I dont agree with someone leaving a marriage except for this reason.  

I also say to leave because it is not fair to him for her to be in a relationship.

Sorry if you disagree its my opinion.

[penswriter]

I'm with tbabi. Say she runs away, if she doesn't fix herself and her problems what's to stop her from cheating again? and again. and again.and again. As soon as the next man/bf/husband in her life begins to get tired/not show interest/enough interest she'll run to the first man who does. My mom has done the same thing all through my life. She's working on husband number 6 or 7. (the only wedding I wasn't in was when she married my dad...husband number 1) Needless to say...I have zero respect for her. I love her to death, she is my mom and aside from the bed hopping she was/is a great mom. Took care of my brother and I but...still. What will her children think?

[tbabi20]

Marriage is lifelong. That is the choice she made, why would you tell her to leave when she's the cause of all the heartache. She needs to focus on fixing herself not running away and making a new life.