Double Standard & Infidelity

I was reading a book called "Surviving Infidelity" and there was a woman who had been with her husband for a long time and she had put up with 5 years of him being unfaithful.  After tolerating this for so long she eventually cheated only one time and felt so guilty she confessed to her husband immediately.  The next day he began divorce proceedings.  Now speaking with my fiance about what I had read, he agreed, that he would not be able to handle it if I had an affair and probably would never forgive me.  However, I forgave him.  What is your take on this?  Is there a double standard?

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12%

 (5) 

Yes, it's more acceptable for men to cheat

0%

 (0) 

No, it's more acceptable for a woman to cheat

4%

 (2) 

It's equally acceptable for both genders

82%

 (34) 

It's equally unacceptable for both genders

41 Members voted

[GNicole]

What a crock!! Why do men think they are entitled to cheat??

[mayflowers]

That is a really chauvanistic thing for him to say.  Nobody wants to be cheated on but geez, you're supposed to "forgive" him and yet he wouldn't forgive you.  That's bullsh*t.
The relationship is not equal in any way.

[babypooh]

Completely unacceptable behavior for anyone. When they cheat, they regret it and hope to be forgiven, but when they're cheated ON, then they see how it really felt and can't deal with it. Unacceptable for anyone.

[mami1323]

I agree, when I read that I was flabbergasted.  He understood it, like men and their egos.  I think it is bullsh*t.  I wonder if it's a cultural thing?  Latin men are raised with something called machismo.  He can't get over a fling I had in Cancun even before I met him.  I really am curious to see what other men think.

[Agiesmom]

I think there is a double standard.  I think part of it is the ego of men--worried that the other guy is bigger or a better lover.  Men cheat for different reasons, though--I think most cheat simply for sex (and can seriously detach emotion from the act) and also for an ego boost (a woman telling him how wonderful he is).  I think women usually cheat for emotional reasons--needing to feel loved and understood, a connection, etc.  (Or to hurt the man with whom she's involved.)  I think, though, that women are more about the family unit and doing what it takes to keep that in tact--putting up with a lot, forgiving a lot, trying to see things from the other person's perspective, etc.

I have read many times, though, that when a man cheats, it usually really does mean nothing to him--it's just an act or some feel-good moments in time.  And a woman can't understand that because it would HAVE to mean something to her for her to even THINK about doing it.

[mayflowers]

Mami, it's not a Latin men thing.  I'm Italian and while our grandmothers would have put up with it, my generation will not.  I know other cultures that won't put up with this either.  Don't give him any excuses.   It's an ego thing plain and simple.

[mami1323]

That's what he said Agiesmom, like he would always picture me in bed with this guy.  Thinking if the guy was better.  I said, women think the same.  Wondering if the woman is better sexually.  

[babypooh]

I agree that it's not an ethnicity issue. A lot of men were either brought up that way or they just became that way for their own selfishness.

[mami1323]

No excuses, I'm just curious to see where that mindset comes from.  I do think it's an ego thing but also wonder if men from different cultures are more forgiving.

[Agiesmom]

I don't know if there's a cultural thing...I don't like stereotyping.  But I think that some people in some cultures view it differently (or perhaps just see it for what it really is?).

I had a coworker who dated a Mexican guy for a couple of months--very handsome, attentive, romantic.  He wore a gold cross around his neck and he'd get up on Sunday morning after spending the night with her to go to Mass.  Then his pregnant wife and their two toddlers showed up at our work asking my coworker if she knew he was married.  The wife wasn't angry or hysterical--just wanted my coworker to know.  My coworker confronted him--asked him if he was leaving her--and he said, "NO, I'm not LEAVING her!  I LOVE her!  She's my wife--the mother of my children!"  Alrighty then.  I'm sure the woman was hurt over what he did, but my coworker saw them all together with the new baby at the park at a big family picnic a few months later.  She obvously forgave him.  Maybe she viewed it for what it was--him getting sex elsewhere for a couple of months.  ???  I don't know.  And I don't pretend to understand, but I do think that some people may view it differently and that may be a result of what they saw in their family and what they were told by adults while growing up.

[mami1323]

Very interesting.  

[Cootos]

This is a perfect example of how men put women out as objects....they dont care about our feelings, our goals, our life! It's all about them! Yet you give them a taste of thier own medicine and it's unacceptable?!? Who made these rules?!? Defenitely not a woman....

[mami1323]

Women would never make these rules.  It just shows how men and women are completely different from one another.

[mayflowers]

I am watching The Tudor's right now.  It's about King Henry the 8th.  He cheated all the time and I believe he evenutally died of syphillis (syphilis).  All cultures seem to have an acceptance of men cheating but women not cheating.  It's b/c women used to be seen as property not human beings.   I think any man that still thinks this way is not a very advanced or enlightened man but rather thinking like a caveman.  Men also take after their fathers.  If their fathers cheated, many times they will too b/c that's their role model.  It's a hard cycle to break.

[mami1323]

Do you ever wonder why some people grow up in a household where there is abuse and wind up either being an abuser themselves or vowing never to be like their abusive parent and break that cycle?  My friend and her brothers watched their father cheat on their mother numerous times and her brother said he would never be like his father, and never has been.  Some people either repeat and some don't.  

[mayflowers]

We learn by modeling.  Most of it is subconscious.   You can break the cycle but it's really hard.  I believe the failure rate is something like 80%.  Yes, it can be done but the person has to do a lot of work, and I mean, ALOT of work to change.  Some would even say it's part biology - like a chemical in brain needs that kind of stimulation.

[babypooh]

I think that unfortunately, men too often think with the wrong head, but they're not all cheaters and each family is different, regardless of race.

[treazzure007]

i don't even believe it's a cultural thing but simply a 'man thing'.  men the world over believe it's acceptable for them to be sexually uninhibited but women better not dare --that's THEIR women better not dare.  it's okay for the women they cheat and mess around with to wear close to nothing and be just as freaky and free as them.  even married men think they've done wives a huge favor by 'settling down'.  if having more than one wife, participating in sex slave trade, and various other practices were widely acceptable here in america, do you doubt that every man wouldn't do it???  huge, huge double standard that i'v found is even so subtly hinted at in the bible.  why?  b/c they have a male 'member'.  that gives them powers, didn't you know?

[sammy73]

I'd say it's equally unacceptable for both sides.

I think there is a difference between cultures, and between generations.  In modern cultures, where men and women are considered as equal status, then it is equally unacceptable for either partner to cheat.  In some other cultures, and in previous generations in my country, it was probably more acceptable for men to cheat - it's all part of women not being valued so highly and being controlled by men, I suspect.  In those cultures, and generations, men cheated but wouldn't tolerate their wives cheating, because they could get away with that.  I found out after my grandfather's death that he had had a mistress for many many years, and my grandmother was aware of it but tolerated it.  She even asked to come to his funeral, but my grandmother did refuse that.

Even in modern western cultures it varies.  In the UK if a senior politician is found to have had an affair it's a big scandal, and in some cases they have had to resign.  In France it'd be more surprising if a senior politician DIDN'T have a mistress!  I think the French may be more tolerant of women having affairs too, but I'm not entirely sure.

[angelica122]

a relationship is based upon loyality towards ur partner.... even if d man cheats or d woman its equally wrong! i won't tolerate anybody cheating on me... n yes i believe d society is hypocraten n has double standards.......... men are always forgiven n women are never!

[mayflowers]

I have also known women who cheat on their husbands and the husbands forgive them.  Usually when cheating is involved, there is something missing in the relationship - could be emotional or physical.  Or maybe the person just wants to try someone new for a change.  There's all kinds of reasons.  

The weirdest story I ever heard was of a wife who was cheating and the husband wanted to keep her so bad that he allowed her to "go do her thing" as long as she came back to him.  The other guy was pretty serious so she wasn't just sleeping around with various people.   Finally, she just left her husband completely much to his dismay.  She had lost respect for him b/c he let her do anything she wanted.  

[BabyHardiman]

"But increase you and multiply, and go upon the earth, and fill it."  

Has anyone told them that the quota was met?

[smileluvr]

I think that because men have been portrayed in our society as the dominate creature, they are supposed be allowed to eat their cake and offered ice cream to go with it, while women must put the cake away for later. I was cheated on in my first relationship and wanted to get revenge, but realized it makes me no better than the next person. Cheating is cheating and no matter who does it and the reason, it is wrong.

[lupo]

As a Polyamous person you would make think I would have a different take, yet my feeling is Cheating is a form of lying. If you have said you would be with no other then you should be with no other, other wise you have lied. If you can not be with only one person sit your partner down and talk to them about it.

As for double standers think about it we call men who sleep around a Stud, we can a woman that sleeps around names I will not repeat here. Great book on this is, “The Ethical Slut”.

[mami1323]

It is the lying that will forever scar you.  Because no matter what happens in the future if that person is telling the truth, you will always think they are lying.  It leads to frustration on all parties.  You, because you will feel like you are being lied to and then the other, who is upset because you don't believe them.

[mayflowers]

Some people just can't be monogamous, even if they want to.  As lupo states, some of us are just polygamous.  It's our nature.  We are wired that way.  Society wants to put restraints on people, saying that monogamy is the only way to be but really for men and some women, having several partners is normal for them.  Men need to spread their seed and populate the earth and women need a man that can take care of them.  I've seen women leave relationship or have affairs with men who can better meet their financial, sexual and emotional needs.

What happens to these naturally polygamous people, is that they end up lying to someone who is really nice, saying that they don't want to be this way.  They think something is wrong with them.  I think people can change for a little while but they will revert to their true nature.   They can change for a little while but a leopard doesn't change their spots.  

For your fiance to say he would leave if you had an affair is very two-faced.  I think his masculinity would feel threatened and that is why he would leave.  Like he wasn't good enough to satisfy you.  That's an insecurity thing and deep down he really doesn't feel worthy of love or man enough for you.   That's a hard thing to overcome Mami.  I don't know if it's worth it to stay and try to work it out with this guy or cut your losses and find someone who is more like you and only wants one person.  I'm afraid that in addition to Rich being polygamous, he is also insecure.  A combination that is really hard to overcome.

[mami1323]

You are probably right mayflowers.  He ruins every thing good in his life, why wouldn't that mean me to :(

[eel81]

it is always a double standard, they see what it feels like and cant handle it. most men actually think that it is their god given right to sleep around with who ever they want whethter they are married or not.

[mayflowers]

Mami, you're a nice girl, a sweet girl, but I really don't think this guy is the right one for you.  You need someone more like yourself.  He may be able to change for a little while, but he will probably revert back.  I've seen it happen many times.  Then, the woman just wastes precious time on a man who isn't good enough for her.  I did it - wasted time on men.  Not anymore.  If someone disrespects me, they are gone.  A person's character, whether we want to believe it or not, is shaped and developed in their early years.  They can either go one way (like your friends brother) or they can go another way and follow what they see around them.  

To be honest with you, I don't know if I could ever get married again b/c marriage makes me feel trapped.  I married once and was miserable the whole time. But growing up I saw my parents  trapped in a marriage.  I learned that from them.  My brothers and sisters have all married, some more than once so they aren't like me.  For me, once was enough.  But I am sure that this is a part of me that I can't really change.  I'm wired like this even though on occasion I dream that one day I could be happy being married.  But that it's really just a dream, it's not reality for me.

[mami1323]

Funny mayflowers, I would probably wind up with the same type of man any way.  I have always chosen the wrong one and probably will always choose the wrong one.  Just my life in a nutshell.  

[grammy64]

I voted equally unacceptable for both and I think that the majority of people probably think that is the case, but I do agree with your comment about Latin men and machissmo and how they actually all live a patriarchal lifestyle.  That is an absolute truth.  I think the cheating comes not b/c of the double standard so much, that men THINK it is okay, but more b/c they seem to get away with it....and we often accept them back.  

[drifter0213]

cheating is wrong; go out and do it right- devotion,honesty,trust,and communication= love-drifter0213

[JamesC186282]

So the husband is the problem?  He doesn't divorce her and earn her respect.   This makes her think he is a looser?  This is sad.  Where they seeing a therapist or was this just a "Go ahead and be a swinger"  kind of thing?    Women should respect a man who has self control and doesn't get violent or hire a lawyer but try to fix a marriage (I think)    Maybe the Husband is on some meds to keep him chilled?   Maybe he doesn't feel he should judge her because of something he did?

[specialmom]

, James, this post is super super old.