Drink Infidelity Loneliness and Worry

[stressed25]

Hi there,
I don’t know if I’m posting in the right place but here goes. I’m nearly 30, in a relationship for the last three years. We live together and are pretty much happy together. But for as long as I can remember we have had problems with physical intimacy. I don’t just mean sex, I mean intensity of contact. I have very pressing physical needs, and the fact that my partner, who fulfils me in every other way, just doesn’t seem to need me the same way I need her. And even though we’ve spoken about it again and again, nothing ever changes. And on top of all this, I have a serious drinking problem. Lately I’ve been staying out all night, not wanting to go home. And on Friday it all came to a head, when I met another woman in a bar, and we hooked up. We kissed all night and I then performed oral sex on her. I’ve never felt so ashamed of myself in my whole life, but to be honest I was sick of feeling lonely and unfulfilled and if I’m truthful, I really enjoyed the experience.
My partner was obviously annoyed that I didn’t get home until 5am. I didn’t tell her about my indiscretion, because I don’t know if I could handle breaking her heart like that. I broke down, we spoke about our concerns – her about my excessive drinking, me about my feelings of loneliness – and I’ve resolved to stop drinking, starting last Saturday. I really don’t think that it would fix anything by telling her, even though 90% of me wants to, in order to relieve my guilt and crippling anxiety, which has been eating me to pieces since I strayed, especially as I’m terrified she’ll find out, or that I’ve picked up an STI and might pass it on to her. I know it was a terrible thing to do, and I don’t really know where to go from here. I love my girlfriend and I hate myself for what I did, but I just got tired of feeling physically invisible.
I don’t know if I’m posting in the right place, as I’ve said, but I needed to get this off my chest. I probably don’t deserve to keep her, but then I say to myself we all make mistakes and I’m just trying to find a way to make all this better.

Thanks for reading

[saraloo]

from everything I have read, I would not share your indiscretion ... have read that is is selfish as it only hurts the other person and relieves your guilt.  Unfortunately, I am unfulfilled in my marriage of 10 years and two weeks ago started seeing a younger man.  I thought I was not interested in sex anymore cuz we have been married so long or just that I'm a litlte older now (44), but come to find out I am still very passionate sexually, so it is either something in our relationship or a boredem/emptiness and loneliness in me.  I know i'm not fulfilled in this marriage and never will be, but he is kind and loving, and I do love him, just not sexually attracted to him.

[stressed25]

Thank you. I'm aware that AA might not be for me. I thought that at the start, and I'm not sure how long I'll last but I'm willing to run with it. I'm really happy not drinking and I hope it lasts. I've been spending a lot of time trying to develop my mental strength lately. As for the reasons I drank I'm getting there too, and it's like throwing light into a cave that has been dark for a long, long time; it's amazing the things we supress.

Just so you know, I am trying to make amends for my mistake by changing my terrible outlook on life. And by changing my ways. For the time being it's working and intend to make it keep on working, and I thank you for your help.

[hea]

The fact that you recognize you have a problem with alcohol is fantastic.  The fact that you are not drinking is great as well.  Not drinking and being in recovery are two different things.  There are reasons you drank.  There are reasons you needed the alcohol to feel good.  You have to figure out what those things are.  Noone can say that AA is the best program for you.  It works for some people, others not so much.  I guess I'm focussing more on the fact that you mentioned alcohol issues then the cheating issue because, in the scheme of everything, one time cheating (if that is the truth), is nothing.  Alcoholism is a soul crushing disease.  The quicker that you can work on that and realizing that you can't do it alone, the better your life will be.  Not only will your life be better but your relationships will be better.  You can't change what's been done but you can work on yourself.  It's obviously an issue in your relationship.  Oh and just so you know, there is a board that deals with alcoholism on this site.

Again, good luck to you.

[stressed25]

Why is it not what I'm doing at all? And what do you mean when you say I'm #not in recovery though'. I haven't drank since the event, and I don't intend on doing so. I'm trying to learn from my stupid mistake, I don't know what else I can do.

[hea]

I agree with you.  The step I mentioned was the 9th step "Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."  That is not what he is doing at all.  He is not in recovery though which is very clear from the above post.  I think you have it pegged, he was just trying to justify his own actions.

[nevermindu]

Herpes can be transmitted by oral sex.Not trying to scare you but it is true.You say you have a serious drinking problem and you just STARTED staying out late?My ex was a habitual drinker and liar.He cheated 6 times all told before I left.I only knew about a couple of them until we were separating and I told him I wanted the complete truth.Even though I don't know you I have trouble believing this is your first indiscretion if you are an alcoholic.It took you 11 days to stop feeling guilty about cheating on your wife.Wow.And you lie "from time to time" to avoid hurting one another.What do have to lie about?I think you came on here to try and rid yourself of the guilt to some extent and not have the consequences of telling the truth to your wife.I kind of think your a skunk.Maybe your drinking is preventing her from wanting to be close to you.We only have your side of the story so I'm a bit skeptical right now.I know when my ex came home from drinking the last thing I wanted to do was be "physical" with him in any way.Maybe this is just an excuse you are using to justify what you did.

[stressed25]

Thanks guys.
I'm kind of coming to terms with what I did. hea, I like that step you mentioned, and I find it relevant to my situation because I honestly believe it would hurt her more to know the truth and I know that she wouldn't, couldn't understand. What I did was a reaction against the lack of intimacy in our relationship, not against her. If I tell her what I did, she'll think it's her fault. I know it.

To be honest, I'm not even feeling too guilty about it anymore, because guilt solves nothing; addressing the problems that led to the guilt holds the key to all solutions, namely never getting drunk again and also fixing the problems in our relationship. From my own limited experiences, I think those of us in relationships have to lie from time to time to stop our loved ones being hurt. I'm deeply sorry for what I did, but I don't want to ruin everything we've built together. In fact, the probability that she'd forgive me is one of the defining reasons of my not telling her; she shouldn't have to go through that process.

So it's good behaviour from here on in, and if I've learned anything, it's that hugging and sleeping with arms around each other beats sex any day. Physical acceptance from the one you love is the most beautiful thing in the world. I'm a lucky man.

Thank you all for your comments:)

[hea]

AA will hopefully be a positive experience for you.  If your girlfriend is not an alcoholic, alonon may be a good place for her.  There are usually concurrant meetings.  My husband is a recovering alcoholic, 5.5 years sober.  It's been a tough road.  I've loved and hated him the whole way.  One of the 12 steps is apologizing to those you have hurt but not if it will hurt them more then if not apologizing.  You will have to decide which is the best for you and your relationship.  Good luck to you.

[mommy27]

First of all, I would like to say congratulations on being sober and deceiding to do so!!!
Now, as for telling your girlfriend, I would tell her now! Lieing will always come back and bite you in the butt! Be honest with her b/c what if she finds out from someone else? That will only make things worse for you two. You should tell her so you can stop feeling guilty about it. Tell her that you got drunk, it happened, didn't mean anything and you are already trying to help yourself by being sober!
You made a mistake and must take consequences for your actions. I would be more upset if my husband kept a secret from me rather than being upfront and honest! I'm telling you, lieing is not the way to go!
Best of luck!

[stressed25]

Thank you all for your insights, I'm moved. I'm also moving on and hope I can sort all this out. I'm going to keep this to myself. For my sake and my partner's I'm going to keep this to myself. We have something good, I don't want to destroy it by breaking her heart.

Thanks everyone, I'll have a look at that book!

P.S. Two weeks off alcohol and feeling fine!

[Barbarella]

Keep your mouth shut, you might start WWIII.  You might lose her, or she will NEVER trust you again.  I do not know if you pray or believe in god.  If you do believe in god or a higher being, PRAY for forgiveness, and pray/promise in your prayer that you wont ever do it again, and make sure you don't.

If you only did oral sex on her I really don't know if you can pick up Aids that way unless you have an open sore in your mouth, as for other STD's I think you can only catch it during intercourse.

[April2]

Our counselor told us to read that book too! Also the one for teens. It has really helped.


I know you feel a lot of guilt. I think I would tell her everything. Tell her how ashamed you are and that you realize what you did was wrong and that you want to change. Then let her see that you are serious. Go to those AA meetings. Tell her you need her support. Many marraiges (or relationships) survive infidelity and can even be stronger after you go through everything. However, I'd suggest counseling for the two of you. I wish you the best.

[girliegrl1723]

i read that book! and i must say, it is very helpful. i even used what i learned in the book to help out my parents in a way or two. i didn't read it by choice. our pastor assigned us both to read it before he married us and i'm really glad we did!

sorry - just wanted to share.

[laura1977]

Get the book "The 5 Love Languages."  Great book.  My husband and I use to fight about this stuff all the time till I read this book and figured out that each person is different with the way they show their love.  

[bip]

Im sure you dont want to crush her.  I dont think you would be selfish if you tell her but you do what you think is right. Sorry I thought you were married.  Its good you are signing for AA and you are seeing councleor. Its telling me your are trying.....
WISH YOU THE BEST....

[stressed25]

We're not actually married! Yes it is an awful thing to do, but I truly believe telling her would be selfish. We are talking, and I wanted to go and see a couple's counsellor, or to have a talk with sex therapist. I have wanted this for a long time, but there was never any movement. When we spoke on Saturday morning, she said 'it's just the way I feel, I just don't need physical attention like you do'. Please understand I don't just mean sex here. So I'm just going to have to get used to not having as intimate a relationship as I would like with the person I want to spend the rest of my life. For my part, I'm signing up for AA. While I would think about other women while sober, I would only act upon these feelings while drunk. I'm not hiding behind alcohol - yes what I did was wrong and I'm not blaming the bottle, I'm blaming myself - but sometimes you just lose out against your conscience in desparation. I appreciate your comment, I really really do, but I'm not going to crush the woman I love the way I've crushed myself. Telling, in my honest opinion would be the selfish thing to do. I can only change. Not try to change. Just change. This has ripped me in two; I don't want to rip my partner in too aswell.

But sincerely, thank you so much for your input:)

[bip]

I would be honest with her. Im married myself and I know if my husband ever cheated on me I would want him to be honest with me.  Why would you do this to your partner?  I think its a aful thing to do and you sound like your feeling down.  I would sit down and talk to her, go to the doctors  get check out make sure you dont pass anything on to her.   I think HONEST is the best way to go......This is my opnion......Please try to talk to her maybe you both need to see a marriage councleor. Im sure you do feel guilty but if you dont tell her you will feel worst. Get all these feeling off your chest and hopefully your marriage will be fine.   I

[stressed25]

Does anyone have any advice or opinions on this? I'm sorry but I'm cracking up:(