Emotional, Mental, and Verbal Abuse--In My Marriage!
I know we all known someone or people who have been in an abusive relationship? Therefore, I know someone can give me answers to my dilemma of my life. My husband and I have been married an year and four months now. The marriage has not been the greatest--actually the worse (with a few moments of happiness). I know marriage is hard work and no its not a walk in the park. But, when you are trying and the other person is not? Yes, it makes it VERY HARD!
Well, he is very emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive. I asked for counseling many times, sat down to talk to him about his behavior--he blows up of course. With hold sex--flat says no or says "HE" is not in the mood--way before my Hysterectomy Nov. 16,2011. Cussing, throws things, breaks my things, nit picks with me, tries to make me upset--especially when I keep the peace. Then when I do defend myself in an argument or one of his backlashes? He says: "Don't raise your voice or get loud?" but, I'm getting talked to like a dog...smh! He has NEVER hit me. But, what he is doing enough to feel like he has. Now, He has a good side: Nice, helpful, great provider, cooks, cleans, and works hard. But, its like little petty things can easily set him off!
For examples: People on his job, anyone in the household, or he is just having a flat out bad day? He KEEPS apologizing over and over and over again! I've been tired a long time ago--tired of handing him out chance after chance. He becomes nice for a few days to a week or week and a half. Then bam! It happens again! I'm just tired of the same ole' lines: "I'm sorry line." "I'm going to change line." "I'm going to do better line." "I'm going to treat you better line" And NOTHING has taken place! I try to stay hopeful and prayerful for a change. I REALLY wanna a divorce. But, on the other hand I ALWAYS try to see things to the end. But, "My heart and head hurts".
I'm a woman who does not nag--seriously I don't, I don't get an attitude--unless needed and sticking up for my self. I try to encourage, love, and motivative him. And this is what I get from him? Ugh! I'm so stressed and confused! Is it really LOVE on his end? Like he tells me or what? We just had an very nasty blow out a few days ago--mind you I'm still having health issues and this stress was/is not helping. He apologized as usual and he agreed to counseling--we'll see about that. I'm glad he agreed at least? Someone help me understand and give me some sound advice! Thanks in advice!
My grandparents have a pretty turbulant marriage. I adore them, but they have their faults and they weren't exactly made for each other. My grandma is stubborn, sometimes bitter woman. My grandpa is weak willed, and can be kind of a leach. They've been married for almost 30 years and have had several month of separation their second and 8th year of marriage. Honestly it took my grandma to get sick with cancer for thing so really change. There has always been love there, but they suck at communicating. And if the two people aren't communicating, marriage can be some serious work. (Heck, even with awesome communication, I know my husband and I still have our days.)
Admittedly, most marriages I've seen have failed. Many because one person, or both gave up. Now it sounds like you're really trying to make it work, but it's a partnership. If he isn't pulling his weight nothing will get better. Counseling could really do you some good and make all the difference in the world. But if he isn't willing and doesn't follow through, you may have to ask if it's worth it. Keep in mind you should never stay with someone because it's convenient or because it's easier than leaving, that's not a healthy life or a good relationship.
Marriage takes two to work at it; not one; first red flag
He is emotional, mentally and verbally abusive; second red flag
He has a "good" side which you probably see way less than the "bad" side; third red flag
Saying sorry after the aftermaths which sounds like a "broker record" or a tape on "push replay;" fourth red flag
Says he will "change" and doesn't; fifth red flag
Your "heart" and "head" hurt and you have health issues that don't need the stress; sixth red flag
You get the picture dear.
He is DEFINITELY an abuser and I wouldn't condone anyone to stay with one UNLESS he has completed some intense counseling which is still NO guarantee for complete change.
It doesn't matter if your were a "nag" or not, etc. NO ONE deserves abuse dear. His good side....hmmmm...."He is nice, helpful, great provider, cooks, cleans and works hard.....ok, but that is what he SHOULD be doing and HOW he SHOULD be behaving; these things are NOT considered "extras" in my opinion. How long does the "nice and helpful" last? As the above poster mentioned convenience SHOULDN'T be the reason to put up with abuse.
Recommendation: I would try separation and you both attend counseling if you REALLY want this. Again, I don't condone anyone staying with an abuser.
BTW: I just read your post again. You all have ONLY been married a year and four months? Was he in any way like this prior to you marrying him; you got NO red flags?
If it was me and no children involved, I would be "running for the hills" because abuse just gets worse. I think your husband is just getting "warmed up."
I know several women in my life, family and friends, that dealt with abuse in their marriages or relationships. Let me say this, it NEVER ends up great in the end if you stay.
Well you have made valid points and have shown me all the red flags. Which I finally notice a while back. I was just in denial. Well, when we were just close friends (no sexual involvement at all) he did not display those actions. But, when we started to have feelings for one another and started to be in a relationship. He had this "little attitude" problem! Which I kinda looked over. Cause who don't have an attitude here or there? Then things just became worse "AFTER" we had gotten married and no we don't have children together...thank God for that! Thank you very much for your input!
What is difficult for me when it comes to 'verbal' abuse and emotional abuse is that it is very subjective. If someone hits us---- well, that is clear. It seems like it is the dynamics of the couple a lot of the time. Just like it was said above, that it takes two to make a good relationship--- well, it takes two to fight as well. I do think that there is a lot of "I don't do this" and "I don't do that" when in reality, I'd bet my life you are an active contributor to the problems you have in your marriage. It is just so often the case. Now don't get me wrong. Losing control often is not good and I don't excuse his behavior. No one should throw or break someone's things. Only you can know if this is verbal or mental abuse or not. It is often a fine line as many couples fight and it can get ugly without it being true abuse.
Many --- for whatever reason--- never learn how to appropriately handle their anger. They didn't get the lessons as a kid about how to cope and how to express frustration, anger and inpatience in ways that are socially acceptable. Sometimes a person CAN learn to do that as an adult.
I would suggest that during a good time when you are getting along great--- say calmly and with no hint of anger that you'd like to work on the relationship so you can BOTH be happier. Tell him that you want things to be good between you. I'm sure he'll agree. Again, this isn't a conversation for during or right after a blow up. Then talk about 'other' ways he can express himself to you. Talk about how you've used your words to hurt before and would like BOTH (even though this is really him) to work on this. Then you can suggest something to him called the stress thermometer. This is a way for him to regulate his anger and be more controlled about it. Basically you talk about stages of anger. It may seem like it goes from 0 to 10 in an instant, but it really doesn't. You can tell him that you researched this for yourself and maybe you could both do it. Okay so visualize a thermometer--- the kind with a little ball on the bottom of it--- at the bottom of it, picture a color you like. We use green at our house. It is where you feel 'just right'. Everything is fine, you are maybe not joyful but not upset about anything. You are relaxed, breathing fine. The next part of the thermometer is another color, say yellow. This is where agitation begins. YOu feel a little edgy, a little irritated. You are not really smiling anymore, tensing up a bit. Your voice is getting a tone to it that isn't great. The next section of the thermometer is orange. This is where one is mad. Voice is loud, talking is fast if not starting to yell a bit, breathing is shallow, hands are clenched into fists. The last section of the thermometer is red and this is the out of control mad--- screaming, throwing things, being hurtful and cruel on purpose. The goal of your husband (and like I said, say you are going to do this to) is to look for signs that he is moving up that thermometer with the goal of shutting it down and going back to green. If he starts to feel yellow (annoyed, impatient)--- WHAT can HE do to stop the process of anger getting out of control. Take a walk, use his words calmly to say he is feeling upset and needs a minute (he then can take deep breaths, do that walk, open and close his fists tightly, write in a journal etc.). Having go to actions can help stop the "REACTION" part of anger. The thinking involved can help someone regulate themselves. There can even be some agreed upon things that the partner can do to de escalate the situation. A "walk but dont' talk" rule is an idea. That is where someone doesn't talk when upset for a few minutes and takes a little walk and their partner lets them go and doesn't try to talk to them.) I'd try to make a deal that you never let it go to RED. You can start the things to stop the process anywhere during the process.
So, this is just something to think of. Were there no warnings up front that he had an anger problem? If there were and you ignored them, that is something for you to see a therapist about if you should decide to leave this relationship. That is often a pattern that you'd want to break.
I'd bet my life you are an active contributor to the problems you have in your marriage. (What you had stated)
I'm a woman who does not nag--seriously I don't, I don't get an attitude--unless needed and sticking up for my self. (What I had stated)
I contributor my problems in my marriage??? Wow! Really? Lady. I just said:
tries to make me upset--especially when I keep the peace. Then when I do defend myself in an argument or one of his backlashes? He says: "Don't raise your voice or get loud?" (what I stated)
So I can't stick up for myself when its needed (which is not really often)? Um, that's what it is sounding like to me? Yes, it seems like you are taking up for him. I wish you can visit my house for a week and yes, YOU would be changing your tune! Smh! Far as your color coded system goes? It won't work for someone like him. Maybe someone who has a mild to medium anger problem. Which his is way beyond that as you see in my post! Thank for the input any way--waiting to see what counseling will do!
I have talked to him "calmly" more than once--so please never assume that I have not! By the way, I have done researched--long and hard about emotional, mental, and verbal abuse. Oh? You must have forgotten? I'm the victim. Hmmm? And yes he is doing all three to me. I know the difference of an simple remark and/or argument. And flat out being hurtful, mind game playing, insulting words, and etc. I can keep going. But, I don't have to prove a point to you. It's obvious that you have not been in a situation such as mine nor may had not known any one? Please don't insult my intelligence on this issue at had.
Thanks and big hugs to you for understanding! I will keep the one's who want to know? Posted! I'm being hopeful and looking for great change! But, if push comes to shove! I will up and leave the situation.
Well, I was trying to help. Sometimes by looking at things from another angle, we come up with solutions to solve our problems. When you post on a public forum, you do not always get exactly what you were wanting to hear. That would be too easy. I, of course, support any woman (or man) in making positive change in their life but that often includes oneself in the process. I do think that we all play a part in what happens to us in life. Even if it is just making a poor choice in a partner.
But you let me have it and now I know better. good luck
I hate to see in your last post that you have to defend yourself to others when you obvious are trying to get advice and help because you are unhappy in your situation. After reading your initial post I could relate because I am in the same boat as you and know how you feel. I have been married for a short period of time as well, just over a year and a half and have a husband that talks to me in a very disrespectful way saying "shut the F_ _ _ up", and constantly debates with anything I have to say to him. He blames his attitude on the fact that he is not a morning person and is sometimes in a bad mood but like you I never just come out of the blue and nag or curse or fight with him. Are we people who can not speak up for ourselves after being attacked verbally?
I would try counseling, as we are suppose to start next week but I really wish he would just leave to be honest. Here I am 8 months pregnant feeling confused because I need someone to drive me to the hospital in a few weeks. Today is new years and he left after an argument and I sit home alone. My advice to you from someone who is experiencing the same thing is to try counseling and if that doesn't go well then to move on now why you can. Hope things work out for you because marriage can be a wonderful thing but sometimes it is harder than we think.
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