Emotional Infidelity

[lovemykids465]

Almost 7 weeks ago I found out my husband of 19 years was talking to a coworker of his often on his cell phone, texting and so on. It ended 3 days before I found out because he wad feeling real guilty about it. We were going through a hard time in our relationship, fighting alot due to problems with some of our children. We have one special needs child and one with an emotional disorder plus two teenagers. Sex was not a problem for us seemed to be the only common link. He said it was just because she made him forget all about the problems at home it was not sexual at all he said. I asked how often they talked he said only at work. When I first found out it was like  I was hit in the gut. I have never experienced such pain in my life. We agreed to work it out. I was fine until one day I looked at the cell phone records and saw how much they talked and it was even when he was home with the kids and I. He did tell her it was over and I even called her and let her know I knew about it. Things have been great. He does not freak out that I keep checking the phone bill or asking him questions but I felt he was still not being honest with me. He said he was not totally honest because he did not want to hurt me anymore then he had. I keep asking him if it was sexual at all. He said no just a bit of flirting. I asked if they exchanged pictures he said no but then I found in his drafts on his phone a pic of him he sent to her. Just of his face. When I asked why he lied he said b/c it is over and I need to drop it. Well yesterday ( 6 weeks later) I had this nagging feeling to go back and see just how may multi media pics were sent. But I was not able to access the old records which I guess was a good thing because we are doing great even better then before I found out. IT is like we have fallen in love all over again. But I did mention to him last night that I was still struggling and tried to look up the info. His body language changed and I could tell there was more he was not telling me. He finally told me last night that she did send him a picture of herself. When I asked him why he continues to lie to me he said the same answer. He said he is upset that I can not get past it that he knows he was wrong, that he made a mistake and what else can he do. The thing is how do I know it never crossed the line if I have caught him lying to me a number of times? If I could just leave things alone I know we will get past this but yet I am so hurt and feel like he is over and done with it with no consequence and I am the one carrying all this pain. I really need some positive feed back.

[peggy64]

You can just keep talking to yourself and reminding yourself that this is just a stage and regardless of what he does, you are still a valuable person, because God made you, and sent His Son to die for you. Therefore, YOU are valuable, regardless of what anyone else says or doesn't say, does or doesn't do.

Keep telling yourself that you are pushing through, and will move forward, you will have joy again, in spite of being hurt in the PAST. Keep saying to yourself, I WILL MAKE IT! And you will. All you can do is go by what he is saying and doing, and keep reminding yourself that he is trying and he does want to reconcile. And then just go from his actions.

I am learning that we need to say okay, that was in the past, I am in the present moving to the future. I will get through this. And you will come out with new wisdom, and perspective.

You have already come very far, since you first found out. Keep going!

[lovemykids465]

Thank you both. Mami, I know what  you are saying. I agree. I just wish it were easier. Time does heal but it is the waiting that hurts. I do have to stop looking back. He says the same thing. He can not change the past. He said he can not even believe he allowed it to happen because it is something he prided himself on never doing. He wishes he could take the hurt away but he can't. I feel like he is going out of his way to help me heal. I mean any spare moment he has he is calling me or texting me. Helping out more at home and with the kids. It has been great. He even brings my feelings up in counseling before I do explaining how he understands how I feel. The funny thing is I can understand how we got there and even my part in it and I am not mad at him. I am not mad at him. Just hurt, but I think Peggy is right. It is not even the fact that he was talking to her now it is that I lost the security in our relationship. I feel like I was blindsided. I was fooled so naive.He swears it will never happen again and I do believe him or want to believe him but I never thought it would happen before. The funny thing is I have faced the same situation and yes I liked the attention I was getting but I never let it go anywhere. I always walked away. I put Him first, our marriage and I felt like he did not do that. He choose his ego over us. I guess that is really what hurts. Wow I think that is what our counselor was trying to get me to say in our session. But I know everyone makes mistakes and honestly it could have been a lot worse. Things are much better now, He told me last night that he feels the next phase of our relationship will be even better then the past. I hope so. I know my attitude will determine that. When he is home with me I am fine but when we are apart I have to constantly push the fear aside and the thing is he is giving me no reason to be afraid that it may happen again  just the opposite. I can not believe what this has done to my self esteem. I was a pretty confident person. I mean I had my insecurities like most but this has made me question a lot about myself. I find myself comparing myself to a women I do not even know. I guess I am my own worst enemy.

[mami1323]

Been there, it's going to take a long while to get passed the up and down feelings.  Of course that fear will always be there.  Even now I still often wonder what if but all it does is stop me from moving forward.  You can't live like that, you just have to take one day at a time.  There are no guarantees in life and so what's the point in worrying constantly about things you can not control.  As far as going back in the records to see, what for?  You already know the truth without having to look at it and if you do look at it it's just going to bring back all the hurt and anger.  Just assume he was talking to her and know that you are moving forward and working on your relationship.  The past is the past and you can't change it so why go there.  You just are starting fresh you and him and start from today.  Promise yourself you won't go back and look, that you will keep moving forward and focus on how good it is now.

[peggy64]

I have not been through this, but I think you need to do whatever makes you feel comfortable, and secure. Its not like he forgot to take out the trash.

You are in counseling, so maybe you can ask him/her to help you walk through this stage of the grief process. This is a normal part of the grieving and it is grieving. You are getting over the loss of security that you thought you had.

God bless, and remember he did the wrong here, not you. It seems to me that people tend to feel guilty when the other party does something wrong. remember the saying 2 wrongs don't make a right? even if you did something wrong, that does not give someone else the right to do wrong.

[lovemykids465]

Things are going really well. I believe we are on the road to great things. Just want to know from those of you who have experienced this when do you stop living in fear of it happening again? Counsel is going well. Realized there was never any thought of cheating per say on his part physically and that we both still did love each other but the pressure was getting to both of us and this was a form of escape for him as working out is for me. But I can be doing great, and suddenly a thought will pop in my mind. I was at work the other day and was thinking about my parents anniversary party ( few months back) and realized I had sent my husband to the store to pick some things up and he was gone a bit longer then I thought he would. I had commented to him about it that day. Just out of no where this thought popped in my head I was like Oh now I know why he took so long. He was probably on the phone with her. I had this desire to go back and check the records just to see. I didn't because what if he was. That was 9 weeks ago. It is over and he has admitted it. The only thing it will accomplish is hurting me again.  It is crazy. Because we are good. better then good. Great! This has opened up a door of communication that never existed before. The funny thing is to him it is like it never happened and in a way I am glad because when we were fighting about it I could see how much it bothered him. I just wish I was where he is. I can not go out with him and run into someone he knows from work and wounder.

[lovemykids465]

I just want to thank all of you for your advice. I really needed some POSITIVE advice and I received it here. I am glad that I have determined to stick it out and not run. So many of you shared your experience with me and it has helped me greatly. Things are going great as of now. Granted it has only been a few days ( well 7 weeks since I found out but a few days since I really made up my mind to work it out) but it seems I have crossed that Bridge, what ever that bridge is. It is hard to explain but I have decided to stop dwelling on the past and work on the present in hope of our future. I know it may not be easy but I have to give it a shot. I think my husband really breaking down Sunday and admitting he was wrong and how sorry he was helped. I hope I too one day can help someone through a similar situation as you all have done for me.

[mami1323]

You will get past it.  Have trust in that.  My fiance had an actual affair for almost 2 years with a woman who he used to train.  Through counseling and a lot of work we were able to salvage our relationship.  I was so betrayed, hurt, sad and angry but it's been a little over a year since it's come to light and I'm in a much happier place now.  We have found a renewed love between us.  He's trying so hard to make it up to me, he feels remorse, he felt the guilt, he knows he has a lot to make up for and he's changed a lot.  He was never really the lovey dovey affectionate type but he's been that way now for a long time.  He loves me and our son and doesn't ever want to take chances on his family in that way again.  So if I can survive that, you can survive this.  I do suggest counseling anyway to help you get through these waivering of emotions.  Still to this day I have my moments where I get reminded of things and have to learn to quickly erase the thoughts so they don't consume me.  Therapy helped me with that.  Plus, it gave us tips on how to communicate better with each other, how to be more open and how to express love for one another.  My fiance had a hard time showing appreciation.  So I recommend going together.  Maybe you can find someone else through your dad or check with your insurance carrier, they usually have a list of counselors.  Good luck and if you need to talk you can always send me a pm.

[lovemykids465]

Thank you all for your advice I greatly appreciate it and it has helped me alot. My husband took a big step on Monday and did confide in one of his friends ( male) about the situation. The man told Joe that it too could have been him seeing she was contacting him also and he got caught up in the attention but he back off. It took alot for my husband to admit this to someone because he holds a place of authority at work and many have commented on his character and integrity in the past. He has agreed to seek council with me. The thing is we can not go to our pastor because he is my father. I guess we could but it is a bit strange. He would not show bias but I know he would feel it and I do not want to plant that seed in his heart toward my husband.

I am doing better ever day I have to make a conscience effort to brush the thoughts of hurt and anger away when they arise. Monday evening was great. We had some of  my husbands friends over from the office to watch the football game. Things were going well until one of them started talking about how much every one in the office loves my husband. How people bend over backward for him, how he is Mr. Popular ( he has a great personality and has a way of making everyone feel important. That is what drew me to him in the first place) and how they have to remind the female coworkers that he is a married man. That just got under my skin because of the situation . The individual saying all this knows nothing about the situation. He saw my face and reiterated that my husband is just nice and asks about how they all are and gives them and everyone help when needed. I know that but because of this situation I just felt sick to my stomach. When they all left my husband apologized if that made me uncomfortable and said it was nothing just him being nice. I know that is the case but I hate when that feeling grabs a hold of me. It is like a dark blanket that tries to wrap me in it and hold me prisoner. Thank God I was able to shake it much more quickly this time. I appreciate what busy mom said. I do see her side and it does not look so bad from her point of view. I do not know why that is. And I guess it is the same for my husband except that she works with him and your situation had some distance, yet according to my husband the conversation of an affair had not reached that point yet and he stopped it before it did.THANK GOD. ( if he is being honest and all I can do know is trust that he is.) My husband does dread going to work now. He says he hopes his transfer comes through soon. So do I but it may not so we will have to deal with it. But now as I am beginning to feel better I see him beginning to get depressed. He feels guilty I know and said that no matter what he does he can not make it up to me. He is ashamed and said he feels like he failed us.I did want him to hurt because I wanted him to know how I felt and after our  huge fight Sunday in which I left I see that he did feel it. Now I just want us both to be happy and healthy. I just want to get past this as soon as we possibly can.

[busymom811]

I just hope that lovemykids can understand, from what I read your husband broke this off before you found out and yes, he was not honest with you but I believe it was out of embarrassment. He probably feels like a total ***. And maybe he truly did not want to hurt you with the details. He sounds like he is trying to move on and you need to allow him to do that. I know it may be hard but if you are trying to reconnect you need to keep it positive. My husband and I are doing better then we ever have before. He never brings it up. He says it is because he knew I would not cross the line. But to me even playing with the thought is bad enough yet he forgave me. I hope this helps.

[mami1323]

At least you were smart enough not to continue when it was headed in a bad direction.  I think a lot of people want attention.  We crave it from the person that we are in a committed relationship with but if they are not doing their part some seek it somewhere else.  That's why communication is so important.  

[busymom811]

I am a married women of 22 years. I have a great husband and 3 beautiful kids. But I am the one who was caught up in a some what emotional affair. Thought it might help the woman her understand her husbands view a bit better. When he says he does not know why he did it he may be honest. I had your typical life . My husband and I both worked we were happy but life was dull and boring. We kinda lost that zing. We too did not have trouble in the bed room it was and is great but emotionally we were not connected. He had his life and I mine. I loved him and never would have considered cheating on him physically yet I got caught up in an emotional affair because I needed to feel desired. I needed to feel more then just a mom, secretary, taxi driver, cook and so on.

An ex boy friend of 25 years ago contacted me on a networking site as well as my husband seeing we were all friends in school. One day my husband and I had a big fight, it was actually my birthday, and I was totally crushed. My ex called me to wish me a happy birthday and we began to talk about what just went down. He is married and not in a good relationship, he actually offered me some great advice ( was on my husbands side and helped me see his point of view minus the yelling). My husband actually called him the next day and thanked him.
We continued to chat almost daily until it was numerous times a day. I told him I felt this was not safe because he was in a shaky relationship and I did not want him to get to emotionally connected to me. He said it would not happen. Weeks later he told me that he still loved me and wishes that I would have chosen him over my husband. I told him not to contact me anymore. When my husband asked why we were no longer talking I told him I felt that it was a bit dangerous. I did not tell him what was said. He told me I was wrong seeing I dumped this individual years ago for my husband that I should be considerate of his feelings and not hurt him. He trusted me that much . He never suspected that I would let it go any where.
Well it lasted only about 12 days before he contacted me again and to tell you the truth I missed the attention seeing my husband was not giving it to me. We began playing the what if game. He asked me to leave my husband he said he would leave his wife. I said no I could never do that to my husband. Honestly I had no sexual feelings for this man and I was letting him believe I did. I would never leave my husband I love him. He asked me to have an affair with him ( he lives 9 hours away) I said not he asked if he were closer if I would. I said no but I knew if things continued the way they did I eventually would have. I kept giving my husband little hints here and there saying I think he still has feelings for me what do I do? My husband would laugh and say how could he not. He was so secure in our relationship. I finally told my ex to stop contacting me that I was affecting my relationship with my family because I was feeling so guilty all the time and I blocked his calls and removed him from my friends list. I told my husband I did this and that he asked me to have an affair. It did not seem to faze him a bit. but then he realized he was allowing this person to meet a need in me that he was not meeting. I love my husband and never would have cheated on him yet I did get caught up in the attention.

[imanaddict]

I don't know how possible this would be, but it sounds like you two need a break. Taking some time to just the both of you to have dinner or go to a movie or even a weekend getaway might benefit your marriage. I know how hard it is with children (my husband and I have 4) and it must be even harder with special needs children, that sometimes we "neglect" our spouse. I know I'm guilty of it myself.

Do you have any relatives that could help out from time to time? Someone you know you could trust to leave in their care and that knows how to take care of them?

[peggy64]

It sounds like you guys have a heavy burden to bear. It will be good for the both of you to get help and try to get issues resolved.
The issues with your childrens illness is more than likely not going to change, so it would be good if you could find a way to deal with it together. I don't know why it is, but when we have issues, we usually hurt the ones we love the most.

I would recommend, talking to the pastor and maybe reading your bible and having prayer together. There are some good couples devotional books and turning to the Lord is always a step in the right direction.

I am glad to hear that you could talk and get some things out, that will help. I pray that there will be many more good days for you as well.

[lovemykids465]

Thank you and I agree. I am looking into getting some council and we have both been working on the relationship rescue book and it has greatly helped. There are underlying issues and some have been uncovered and I am sure there are more. My husband lost both his parents when he was 13 years old and never really delta with it. There was no councilor or any other help just raised by his older sister. Then when he was 28 we found out that his parents were not really his parents that he was adopted. He has always handled it well until we started having children. for 6 years it was just the two of us and we did everything together then within 20 months we had 3 children and things began to change. We hit a rough patch but worked it out. He said he was very jealousy of all the attention I gave the children and was to tired for him.This was true so 6 years later when our youngest was born I did things differently and things were well but 5 years ago one of our children was diagnosed with lupus. It has been a tough road she is in and out of the hospital and our youngest now 8 has aspergers. This has added to the pressure. Financially it all has taken a toll on us and I know he carries that weight around. I am not able to work more then part time because I never know when I may receive a call from the school concerning my daughter.  I too deal with the pressure and feel like I am about to break. I just go run or work out to relieve the stress whenever possible I guess he really doesn't have an out let. I will admit I was so stressed out I would call him at work and say this or that is happening and I could really use your help right now knowing there was no way he was able to help and at times when he would get home I would say it is your turn and leave him with the kids for an hour or so because I could not handle it. We realize where we both went wrong and are working on it. Just getting it out there and talking to all of you here has really helped me and I thank you all so much. I just hope I can get on. Today is a good day and I pray there will be many more to come.

[imanaddict]

Emotional scars take way longer to heal than physical. You guys may need to look into some counseling to fix whatever it was that led him to someone else in the first place. There's always an underlying reason and in order to move on, it will need to be resolved.

I wish you all the best!

[megochick101]

It sounds like he is truly regretful, and does want to work on the relationship. As to you getting over the emotional cheating I would suggest either going to a counselor individually or into a couples counselor to get past this.

[lovemykids465]

I agree with what you all are saying. And again last night and this morning my husband and I spoke. He did break last night saying no matter what he was wrong. He said that no matter what was going on he should not have allowed this to happen. That he got caught up in someone other then me giving him attention and feeding his ego. He actually told me if I wanted to leave he would understand but hopes that we will in time be able to work this out. He is looking for a possible transfer in his job so that they are no longer in the same office. I am not concerned about it going on now b/c as I said I check the records daily and I have a good friend in the office who mentioned to me that this women was very flirty with the MARRIED men in the office and that she felt this women was zeroing in on my husband. I asked her to keep me updated ( did not tell her what was going on) she told me that this women does not even speak to my husband anymore and if he has to report anything to this women he gives the message to my friend and tells her to relate it. I do believe him when he tells me it is over. And according to the phone records it was over even before I found out. He does say that he cheated on me and that it is just as bad or not worse seeing it was an emotional relationship and not sexual. He said he felt it could lead to that and that is why he ended it 3 days before I found out because he knew it was wrong and that he loved me and realized he was playing with fire. My thing is I need to know how to move on and not be the toxic one in our relationship. I can forgive I just can not forget. The thing is we were married young he was 21 I was 19. I had a past with other men before, he had never been with anyone seriously before me. I think that plays in my mind quite a bit. He said he is not tired of me, nor regrets never being with another women that he just got caught up with another women ( a lot younger) giving him attention. He seems to truly be sorry for what happened and for not being honest.

[peggy64]

Thank you for your kind words.
I hate it when men do that to women: Do something wrong, then place the blame on the woman. Regardless of what the wrong is.

This woman has been wronged, and it is not her fault that he cheated on her. Somehow, with this mentality he has, if the kids get to screaming, and the house gets hectic, and she unloads on him, it will be their fault if he cheats again.

[peaceinknowing]

I don't think you handled the situation wrong in the least. You might have been able to do without bringing it up in front of one of the children, but other than that -- I merely see it as you getting what you feel off your chest, something your husband isn't able to do, apparently [like telling the truth completely], you know?

[peggy64]

"He says he does not know why it happened because over all things were good with us just that he could not take the pressure of walking in from work into such a hectic atmosphere and then I was constantly unloading on him because I to work ( part time) and care for our 4 children two of whom as I stated before require alot of us. I have learned not to do this and the kids also realize they need to help out more. "

Read this sentence and see if you get what I get out of it. Instead of him taking responsibility for his infidelity He is blaming YOU and the KIDS for HIS  infidelity. If the above statement were true, then all married people should be having affairs from time to time, because we all unload on each other from one time or another.


Real men take responsibility, even for their wrongs. He is still not wanting to say I was wrong, I am sorry. He is saying, its your fault, its the kids fault. Don't let him get away with this. It sounds like you are agreeing with him. I realize you love him, but you have value as a person made by God, and you deserve to be treated better than this.

Go back and reread my first post, you are the one thats been cheated on, and no matter if the kids had been screaming, the house was a wreck, you nagged even in your sleep, an honorable man does not cheat on his wife. And if he does, then he does the honorable thing and owns up to it.

[lovemykids465]

Thank you all for your advice. Well about an hour after I posted this we had a huge fight. Figures. I am not very good at holding things in that bother me. I have not told anyone in my family or friends because I do not want them to think any less of him, yet I feel like I need an outlet to express how I am feeling. I do agree I need to stop badgering him about it. I just do not know how to let it go. Any way one of our children ( the one with the emotional disorder) was running through the house. I had asked him numerous times to stop. My husband warned him he would get hurt if he did not stop. Needless to say about 2 seconds later he fell and banged his knee pretty hard. He was carrying on
( once he starts it is very hard to calm him down) I went over to check his knee and make sure he was alright. My husband proceeded to tell him that is what he gets for not listening,  If you can't follow the rules do not cry about the results. I flipped. I said take your own advice! Then we were in a full on argument on how out of the blue I attack him. He is walking on eggs all the time. I left. I can not stand when he puts the blame on me. I do know I handled it wrong. I let my emotions get the best of me. I do not want my kids to see us fight and I do not want them to feel insecure in our relationship. He did call me and I am currently home.  After another heated discussion we have both admitted where we are wrong and he has taken responsibility for this. I really want this to work out. I do love him and I know it is over I just wanted complete honesty. I can not tell you why. I just need it. and Joe929 I agree wit what you said. He says he does not know why it happened because over all things were good with us just that he could not take the pressure of walking in from work into such a hectic atmosphere and then I was constantly unloading on him because I to work ( part time) and care for our 4 children two of whom as I stated before require alot of us. I have learned not to do this and the kids also realize they need to help out more.

[peaceinknowing]

I couldn't have said it better myself. Your response makes complete and utter sense to me. I just hope that she finds a way to take this all in one step at a time and make the correct options for this right now...  <3

[peggy64]

HE should be willing to have you ask questions. I am sure he doesnt want you "badgering" him, but you didn't want him having an emotional affair either. He needs to be happy you just didn't ask for a seperation to give you some time to decipher this all out.

You need time to go through all the steps after a spouse has cheated, and he has cheated on you. Maybe not physically, and after all the lies and him wanting to hold information back, how can you be sure he didn't lie about that.

Sounds to me like he is wanting you to do all the giving just forget about it. Makes it easy for him.  He needs to be willing for there to be some accountability until you can trust him again. He is still going to be in the same work place with this woman, after all.


And he needs to understand that he is the one that broke the trust, not you. What I can't understand, is why is he now trying to make you feel guilty for being upset? To get the emphasis off of what he has done to you and to the relationship is what I think. He should be willing to have you question him until you can trust him again. It is his doing, not yours. Let him take responsibility for it.

I think you need to do what you believe you need to do. If you need a week or 2 apart take it. If you want to ask questions, ask questions. You need to be able to be comfortable in this relationship again. It is not your fault that you need to be made comfortable again. It is his because of his emotional (as far as you know) infidelity.

[peaceinknowing]

I'm hapilly married to the man of my dreams, but I dated a guy for almost six years that did the same exact thing to me. While I agree with what the other members have told you to do, I also know how easier said than done it is NOT to try and find everything out. When something is done to you like this behind your back, it eats at you for the longest of time. In fact, it's something that is very hard to get over once it has been done. The thing is this...when someone does something like this to you, you feel like since they lied about it in the past, you want to try and make sure that they're no longer lying to you about it -- so you go and check things out to see if they're telling you the entire truth. It says a lot about your husband that he "left certain things" out of his story, especially when you even went so far as asking him about it and blatently denied it to your face -- allowing for you to later find out the REAL truth.

I kind of stand in the middle on this one. On one hand, I want to sit here and tell you to just get over it and try your hardest to live life day to day without worrying about it. However, I've been in your shoes before, and I know how much easier said than done that is for someone to do when they've been betrayed, lied to and hurt the way that he has done to you recently... But on the other hand, I want to tell you to sit down more with him and tell him to come out with everything just ONE TIME so that way you can be over it completely. You have to let him know that if the shoe was on the other foot then he would understand where you're coming from.... In other words, had it been you and another co-worker doing what he and his co-worker were doing, he would be feeling the same way and have the same urges of wanting to find out everything for himself JUST to make sure that the entire truth was being told to him, etc...

Does that make sense?  :(

I hope that it does make sense -- and just know that you're not alone in this right now. We're all here to help you through this and to be there for you if you ever need it. Please stay here on the forums and keep us posted on what your plan of actions will be from here on out with everything dealing with this. I am in your corner cheering for you!