Ending a 3 year relationship.

[veggielover]

Looking back at my last boyfriend and our relationship, I think we were just two young kids in love. I was 15, he was 17 when we met. We started going out after about a month of talking. We had sex after 2 months of being together. He was my first everything, even kiss. So now what I wonder is did we stay together for so long just because we were two people giving each other the much needed attention that we wanted? Were we really in love, I don't know if I was.
We still talk and he says that he still loves me and I have a huge piece of his heart which is understandable. I feel like i was the one in control of the relationship and I could have ended it at any time, but I never did because it was nice to have a boyfriend and that security. After a little over 3 years, I just decided to end it one night. I wasn't planning to do it that night or anything, but it just came out and i told him that i just wanted to be friends. It was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and it hurt a lot. I feel like since the beginning of the relationship I knew it shouldn't have led on so long, but since I was in control I could do whatever I wanted.
I know I was really immature and shouldn't have acted the way I did, but I have definitely grown a lot over those 3 years and I know what not to do now.

Anyway, the ex and I are trying to still be friends, but he wants to be friends with benefits and I don't know if thats what i want. Is it healthy that we are still talking? I mean we did spend the last 3 years together and he is like my best friend. I just dont know...i always have mixed feelings when we are hanging out. I just cant tell whether I want to be with him or not.

[iam1butterfly]

I'm 53 and, after all of these years, my "first" and I are still very good friends.
So, it is possible to have a healthy long term, platonic friendship with your ex as long as the perimeters of the relationship are defined and understood. Make sure that your ex accepts that your not comfortable with the "benefits" aspect. He may make "moves" but, if he values your friendship; he won't insist.

[veggielover]

oh yea definitely. Well since its like happening right now for me im like ah how will i ever get over it, but yea it seems as time passes it will be easier.

[mami1323]

Well it was like 10 years ago so I did move on a long time ago but you do get over it.  

[veggielover]

Thank you so much. It is definitely a big step to take but I think its time to get out there and just do it. I am glad you are doing well after yours, that makes me feel a lot better that just about anyone can do it.

[mami1323]

I think that is the smart thing to do.  This is your chance to live life.  Build up the relationships with your girls, hang out, go to clubs, to movies, go on girl trips.  Experience life a little and don't rely on him for friendship.  Let me tell you, my first love broke my heart in half and basically cut me off cold turkey.  I had been with him 6 years and was able to do that.  Although, at the time I hated him for that but in the end, it probably was the best thing for me.  I was able to move on from him, if he had called me at all, it would of made me think there was hope and that's not what I needed to be feeling.  It also would've hurt me because I would've longed for so much more with him and it would of killed me if I didn't have that.  So I think it will benefit you both in the long run.  Good luck.

[veggielover]

I completely understand what you are saying and that could most definitely happen to me..the way my ex is feeling now. Its true that maybe being friends is just hurting the both of us, but it is hard to just let go of someone who you have been so close to for all this time. I do find my self at times just calling him cause I'm bored, cause he's that person that I can tell anything to. But at the same time, I think I need to go back to my girl friends and build stronger relationships with them (which I am currently trying to do) and not let him be the one I go to when I have problem. I realize that it is just not the best thing for him and I to try to be friends, and everything you said made complete sense. Thanks so much for your input.

[mami1323]

First loves are very special to everyone.  They are necessary for learning and growth experiences.  Each relationship you have will teach you something and you will mature with each different one.  It is sad that you viewed the relationship in that way and whose to say your next relationship won't be you falling head over heals for some guy and him having all the control and you feeling what your ex feels now.  I'm not trying to be harsh here at all, please don't take it that way, it's just leading me up to my next point.  I think it's impossible to be friends with someone who clearly still has more feelings than friendship.  It's very easy to have sex with an ex because there is some sort of comfort level there.  You know each other, you feel an easiness with one another.  But someone is bound to get hurt here and you can already tell it won't be you.  Of course he wants to be intimate with you, he is hoping that it will turn into something more.  Perhaps you will start to feel things again because we tend to equate sex and love.  But I don't think that is what will happen.  You love him as a friend but he loves you as so much more.  You are doing him a disservice by continuing even a friendship with him now.  He is unable to move forward because of his feelings for you.  I think the unselfish thing to do is to part ways.  Stop talking or being friends just for now.  Live separate lives for a little while and when you both have moved on from each other and wish to still check in with one another to see how the other is doing, then do that.  But allow him the time he needs to get over you.  Hope that helps.