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Engagement Problems
This is a very difficult situation for me..I've been in a relationship with this girl for 4 years coming up in October. We've been through our ups and downs as most couples have and we got engaged about 5 months ago. Things are going along fine and we were at the height of our love for each other no longer than two months ago. We had planned out a wedding date, started coming up with names for children and even planning when we were going to have them. After she attended a bridal show, she says that she has this feeling now, she doesn't know what it is or how to explain it, but basically she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. We are both seniors in college about to graduate and this has hit me like a brick wall and I have no clue what to do. I love her more than anything in the world and she says that she still loves me and cares for me too but now she has stopped wearing her engagement ring and she says that she just wants to focus on graduating. She is not the kind that likes to openly talk about her feelings which makes it even more difficult than it already is and she swears up and down that this isn't because of another guy, she just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, not because of me, she just does not want to be in a relationship. I can't get to the bottom of it and I've tried asking her if she was having cold feet and that didn't go over too well. She says that there is just this feeling inside of her that makes her start "what if"ing everything and now she wants nothing to do with a relationship. I don't know what to do about this..somebody please help!
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You sound like a nice, caring guy who deserves a whole lot better than your fiance. She's having cold feet, 2nd thoughts, sowing her wild oats, she's just not ready for marriage. Not everyone is ready for marriage and to get married because that's "the right/normal thing to do" is really a divorce waiting to happen. I know it's hard, really hard to watch her go out with out you. Sadly, if she is drinking & partying, I think you know what's going on with her. It may seem strange for a girl to do this since it's usually the guy, but the reality is that when it comes to sex, men & women can act very much alike as far as wanting it/getting it.
There is a great book , it's small & easy to read, called The Art of Rejection by Hayley & Michael DiMarco. You should get it and read it a few times.
The thing is that you are a worthy person who wants to be in a committed relationship with someone who also wants to be in a committed relationship. The fact that your fiance has gone awol really has nothing to do with you, it's her. The reason she isnt' talking abt her feelings is because she doesn't want to hurt you. She has stuff to say and believe me, she's saying it to her friends.
As hard as it is, move on from her. Do like Mark76 and work on your issues. If she comes back, and you still want to be with her, you will be a much better person at that time. But no matter what, working on yourself will make you a happier, more content person who takes life for the adventure ride that it is. Everyone I've ever known has gone through a bad break-up that they didn't want to happen but usually they end up happier than if they had stayed with the original person. You can't see this now, but trust me on this. Good luck to you.
There is a great book , it's small & easy to read, called The Art of Rejection by Hayley & Michael DiMarco. You should get it and read it a few times.
The thing is that you are a worthy person who wants to be in a committed relationship with someone who also wants to be in a committed relationship. The fact that your fiance has gone awol really has nothing to do with you, it's her. The reason she isnt' talking abt her feelings is because she doesn't want to hurt you. She has stuff to say and believe me, she's saying it to her friends.
As hard as it is, move on from her. Do like Mark76 and work on your issues. If she comes back, and you still want to be with her, you will be a much better person at that time. But no matter what, working on yourself will make you a happier, more content person who takes life for the adventure ride that it is. Everyone I've ever known has gone through a bad break-up that they didn't want to happen but usually they end up happier than if they had stayed with the original person. You can't see this now, but trust me on this. Good luck to you.
We still meet on occasions for lunch and stuff because we go to the same college and all, and I can feel the connection is still there. For some reason she has just told herself to block all of these feelings and she tells herself that there is nothing wrong with her. A lot of the time I start crying and trying to ask her questions, but like I said she doesn't like to talk about her feelings that much so she will eventually get upset because I'm trying to open her up for more information. She still goes out every single night, alot of the times right after we are hanging out during the day, it will just be like this awkward moment of her saying "Well, I'm going out", and I've tried so many times to stop her in the past couple weeks I just don't even try and fight it. I just tell her that I love her and I miss her and let her go. I try and stay busy with friends, who's room is right below hers...and the whole time I can't help but think about her and I get the urge to send her text messages and tell her how much I love her. I've given her flowers, and other types of presents (keep in mind I didn't do anything wrong so I'm not making up for anything), I'm just trying to spark something inside of her to make her remember why she was with me in the first place. She told me that is was very sweet and that it wasn't necessary, and I guess she's right because nothing has changed. She calls herself a wreck and she knows that this isn't natural, but doesn't want to deal with it. This is so hard because I definately do not want to move on, because we were so close, slept with each other every night and basically lived with each other 24/7 before all of this happened. This is why it makes no sense to me. I will probably try and go get couseling on campus here, but she refuses to talk to anyone about this or to go try and see someone that will try and tell her to change her ways. Its so hard....
L4M4l2,
I feel really bad for you. I am going through something similar to you, but we were not planning our wedding just yet. It seems like a bad case of the cold feet to me. Maybe she has been keeping some feelings inside for a little while and they are finally coming out now. I would believe her when she says it's not another guy, don't make it harder on yourself thinking that. I guess you could suggest couples counseling or even counseling alone. If she doesn't go for some, I would if I were you because an event like this can really mess with your mind.
Try not to push too hard since she probably doesn't need to feel pressure at this point. Try to stay calm and supportive. let her know that you are there for her and always will be.
Like the others said though...if she is being very difficult and not wanting to deal with it...don;t try to make her. You should give her the space she needs and I hate saying this, but "if it's meant to be, it will happen".
Stay strong, and keep posting on here if you need help getting through this...people are here to help. I would make sure you deal with this completely before you start moving on though. Do not rush this....it will just end up messing up your next relationships if this does not workout..but I am hoping the best for you and things will workout.
Mark
I feel really bad for you. I am going through something similar to you, but we were not planning our wedding just yet. It seems like a bad case of the cold feet to me. Maybe she has been keeping some feelings inside for a little while and they are finally coming out now. I would believe her when she says it's not another guy, don't make it harder on yourself thinking that. I guess you could suggest couples counseling or even counseling alone. If she doesn't go for some, I would if I were you because an event like this can really mess with your mind.
Try not to push too hard since she probably doesn't need to feel pressure at this point. Try to stay calm and supportive. let her know that you are there for her and always will be.
Like the others said though...if she is being very difficult and not wanting to deal with it...don;t try to make her. You should give her the space she needs and I hate saying this, but "if it's meant to be, it will happen".
Stay strong, and keep posting on here if you need help getting through this...people are here to help. I would make sure you deal with this completely before you start moving on though. Do not rush this....it will just end up messing up your next relationships if this does not workout..but I am hoping the best for you and things will workout.
Mark
Jesus Christ! Are you sure she is not depressed? Perhaps she got stuck with PMS or something. I do not really understand. Look, I'd say try to dig a little bit more into this situation. I'm not saying that you should stay and try to find out like...for a long time. You're young and have a whole life ahead of you. This happens to a lot of people and eventually you learn that sometimes some things are not even worth putting time into. However, if you guys were planning on getting married and all that then this relationship is far more serious. Perhaps she is going through something that doesn't necesarily involve another guy and she doesn't want to tell you because of fear or insecurity. Try to figure out what's really going on. If the situation is the same then I'm sorry but you're going to have to let go and move on. Who knows you might encounter something WAY BETTER in the future. Like my mom always says: 'If they are not part of your life then it's because it wasn't meant to be and it's best to forget and move on'. Hope this helps. Good luck
I've asked her on many occasions if there is another guy in the picture and even asked some other friends of hers if she was trying to get with another guy and she and her friends, who I know aren't covering for her, says no. I never did anything wrong to her and it just doesn't make sense that she would do this, she just refuses to deal with it so she will go out and drink with her friends I guess to get her mind off things and the worst part is she won't talk to her parents about it. As far as they know we are still happily engaged, with the marriage date still coming up...Her parents love me to death and I think they would help our situation if she talked to them, but she says that she will talk to them when she is ready.
Sorry to say this sounds very fishy to me. Are you 100% sure that there isn't someone else in the picture? People don't tend to end things with someone just because they don't feel like being a relationship anymore and give no explanation. It sounds to me that she might have been curious about another man. Maybe she's not doing anything with anyone else but she may be getting some attention for someone else. You both are very young and although it may seem like the end of the world for you, it's not. You will eventually move on and be happy with someone else. After 4 years and an engagement she doesn't even have the courtesy to be honest with you about what is going on. There were no other signs of her pulling away prior to two weeks ago? Maybe she just feels that she is too young and isn't ready to make that type of commitment to you. Marriage is a very big step. I'm almost 30 and it took me this long to decide to make that type of commitment to someone. I wouldn't even have thought it at 20. Of course we all have our first loves who we think we will be with forever but it doesn' t often end up that way. I was crushed when my first love broke my heart but I've moved on and now I'm going to marry the man of my dreams and we are expecting a baby boy in November. So even though it seems devastating to you now, those feelings you have for her will heal in time. Good luck and I really do hope that she gives you the closure you need to move on with your life.
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