Erectile disfunction but won't want to talk about it??

[felidea]

Hi all,

Hubby has problems getting an erection and his sexual drive has disppeared altogether. This has been going on for 5 months. Finally, I got him to see a doctor who has referred him to a urologist. He mentions that he's afriad to get an erection becoz it hurts alot! in fact he stops drinking before bed to avoid getting erections in the mornings.  

He said that he thinks its because of an infection caused by an abrasion under his shaft 5 months ago. Although the infection is gone, the pain is very bad under the scar when he tried to get erect.

What will the doctors do for this kind of problem? Any guys with experience to share? and MOST importantly, how long will it take for him to get back to normal??

and how Can I help him as a wife? We have been married for 7 years and have a 2 yr old son.

GUys husbands, wives.. please please share.. How do your wives help you to overcome this problem?? I hope I can get some tips.

I'm also kinda worried at his total reluctance to discuss anything about it now.  His reaction is very defensive/negative whenever I broach the subject nowadays.

For example, he totally shuts me down and forbides me to ask anything about his condition or wellbeing in this area. I'm quite worried and hurt at his reaction. Although I'm praying and believing God for his healing, I just need to share and talk out my frustrations right now.

My question for you all, is this normal for a guy to feel so ashamed to discuss this kind of problem with his wife?? Is it really affecting his self esteem?? What can I do to help him??

[babylove2006]

Well, when he gets mad at you for asking, then you should say" Would you rather me talk to you or go ask someone else?" I mean, he needs to understand that their are two people in this ralationship not just one. Tell him if he loves you and wants to make things work then he should go see what he can do about it.

You should let him know that you are supportive and that this problem does NOT make him any less than a man. Good Luck to you!:)

[venusenvy23]

My husband is impotent due to diabetes. So my situation is not quite the same as yours, but my husband tended to avoid addressing the issue. I would talk to him, set up appts with the urologist and so and so on. I think this is a hard subject to broach with men, because most men seem to have their ego tied into their penis. I think it might be the same as a woman faced with losing a breast due to cancer or such. Those parts of our bodies become entwined with our perceptions of ourselves. I think most men want to automatically fix things, and chronic or near chronic impotence does not have a quick fix. None of the usual drugs, viagra, cialis, etc. worked, but we finally found a medicine in shot form to be delivered directly into the penis. The doctor said with with repeated use, he should be able to have an erection on his own again. It is still a difficult situation, as when we finally were able to make love, it was like being with someone new. I love my husband dearly, and I never gave up. I didn't push the issue in his face and never used it against him, but I was persistant. if it had been up to him, he probably would have ignored the problem for as long as possible. We are seeing a couples therapist to help with those feelings of alienation and loss of intimacy. I let the impotence be a problem for too long and our marriage almost didn't survive. I hope your husband will take some steps forward before the same happens to you. If he is willing, couples therapy now might be a good step. I never realized how important sex was, until I wasn't getting it. More than the initial physical release, it creates intimacy between couples. Best of luck to you two.

[felidea]

Thank you babylove for your reply!

venusenvy: Thanks so much for your sharing your experience. I admire you for being so strong and patient with your hubby. Now I wonder how to handle my frustrations with this situation we're facing. you are right in that there is no quick fix to this problem. My hubby warned me of that. The thing is, he has become so cold and uncaring and emotionally distant at the same time. Before this health problem, I found out that he had an affair last year. although he ended it, it hurt me deeply. I needed his support emotionally and physically very badly. Physical initimacy helped, becoz that's the only time I know he's giving me his 100% full loving attention. But I find that he can't express the words I need to hear to feel loved and secure. Although I have gently suggested and told him so, he keeps asking me why i'm still dwelling on the past. I said he can try to be more verbally expressive since we can't have sex, coz that reassures me and helps me to regain trust in our marriage. He refused flat out. I think that's selfish. I'm willing to forget the past, I just need us to set aside couple time once a week where we can talk about anything without hostility. but he's not willing. He says he hates problems like that. He told me to handle my own needs and not bother him. I wish some1 could help me talk sense to him... sigh...

[venusenvy23]

I know how hard it can be. I was married young. We started dating when I was 18 and were married by the time I was 20. We have been married for 6 years and the impotence started within the second year of our marriage. One of my biggest problems, was that I was young and inexperienced. Of all the problems I thought I would be facing in marriage, impotence was not one of them.... especially since our sex life was so good up until that point. For the longest time I felt I had no one to talk to about it and eventually his shame over the impotence became my shame also. I reread your post... you said he had an infection that left a scar and now he feels pain whenever he has an erection, so he's afraid of having one? Has he seen the urologist yet? Maybe there is scar tissue that is causing the pain. I know we're not supposed to do this, but I know how hard it can be, to feel alone and the stigmas attached to his impotence. If you want to email me, you can at venusenvy23 at aol dot com. I wrote my address that way so hopefully you will notice it and medhelp wont.