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Ex Husbands Child
Got a divorce 2 years ago when I found out my (x) husband had a girlfriend and child by her. We have not spoken since. The other day I was with my old neighbor who lives right across the road (a very narrow road...like 15 feet) from my Ex. She was driving and when we pulled up the "child" came running toward the truck. My neighbor said "oh the family is here" with an excited tone to her words. (the girlfriend and child live in Mexico - I am in AZ). I made a comment like "big deal" and my neighbor immediately told me "NOW BE NICE" very harshly - I said I do not have to "be nice" and that I had no desire to "meet" this little 5 year old. I immediately went to her front door but could not get in the house. So I just stood there. In the mean time she went to the little boy and loudly said "Hi Little Eric" and stayed out there talking to him for at least 5 minutes. I was very angry and still am. I feel like it was a slap in the face. I'm not saying she can not talk to them - they are neighbors after all - but what I feel she should have done was said something like "oh I'm sorry they are outside but lets just go into my house quickly" and then done just that! Also she had come to my house to learn something on my computer and had only been there about an hour. We were going to go to dinner and I had planned on taking my own car, but she insisted I ride in her truck, go pick up her husband, and then go to eat. I know that she knew they were there and as a friend she should have warned me and given me the option of riding with her and taking the risk of seeing the little boy.
I'm sorry is this sounds confusing. I'm just still upset and angry! What are your feelings on this?
I'm sorry is this sounds confusing. I'm just still upset and angry! What are your feelings on this?
I think people have said to try to put it behind you, or that maybe you will heal down the road, or to try to get over the anger, but I don't think anyone posting here has said to "forget it." What he did is a pretty big slice of crap, and people who posted back to you didn't seem to me to be brushing it off with a "forget it." What I think people are saying, though, is not to let anger rule your life. You say you are not blisteringly angry, but you flared up at your friend and your posts here are angry, and it seems all to come from being angry at your ex. I think it sounds perfectly logical to be angry at your ex, but when it spills over into other aspects of your life, it seems like after a while it hurts only you.
About the woman who lives by your husband, what I said was *if* this is a good friend who had carried you through the rough times, give her a little slack. But you're saying she is not really that good of a friend and didn't carry you through the divorce, and has town-gossip tendencies as well. You are smart not to be so friendly with the town gossip.
I'm sorry the market is so crummy that the house isn't valuable. Your lawyer should be spanked for not getting you an asset that had value.
Good luck getting through this. It doesn't seem like it when your husband is around and in your face, but time does heal.
About the woman who lives by your husband, what I said was *if* this is a good friend who had carried you through the rough times, give her a little slack. But you're saying she is not really that good of a friend and didn't carry you through the divorce, and has town-gossip tendencies as well. You are smart not to be so friendly with the town gossip.
I'm sorry the market is so crummy that the house isn't valuable. Your lawyer should be spanked for not getting you an asset that had value.
Good luck getting through this. It doesn't seem like it when your husband is around and in your face, but time does heal.
Regarding my friend. I do go to her house but I get out of my car and go in. I do not linger outside "looking" across the street. It is her that very very seldom comes to my house. And no, I did not go to her home, call in the middle of the night, cry, or tell her anything regarding the divorce. She is unfortunately someone who is quite the busy body in the neighborhood. Once I told her something. She was the only person that I had told. Within one week the entire neighborhood knew. Luckily since at that time she was a snow bird (only living in AZ for the winter) and she went back to her home state within a weeks time. By the time she returned I was over it, but never really trusted her with my "feelings" etc. I guess you would have to know her to get the real picture. She is the authority on everything and thinks she needs to tell everyone what to do...repeatedly...till you are ready to scream. I do try to get along with everyone. She also has alot of good qualities and that is why we have remained friends. The reason I still live so close is because that is where the house I got in the divorce is. I have no choice, other than sell it, which property values are still down and I would not be able to get out from under it. Is that an excuse?? You may think so, but to me it is money that I need for my future.
And forgetting "it" (the betrayal) is a bit hard. The child was born on my birthday, the same day and year my dad passed away. So ya, it's a bit hard "forgetting".
Thank you all though for your wise comments and feedback. Just being able to say what I feel means alot. And if the truth be told, I am not blistering angry. If I was ever called upon by my ex for any major problems I would have his back.
And forgetting "it" (the betrayal) is a bit hard. The child was born on my birthday, the same day and year my dad passed away. So ya, it's a bit hard "forgetting".
Thank you all though for your wise comments and feedback. Just being able to say what I feel means alot. And if the truth be told, I am not blistering angry. If I was ever called upon by my ex for any major problems I would have his back.
For some reason, the phrase "the divorce" comes up in blue and becomes a commercial link. This is nothing I did. Wish I had said "your divorce."
I agree with the above. You are quite lucky you aren't in a position where you have to see him every other weekend to pass off kids for visitation. (Though I will say, it is possible that if you did, you might have gotten over some of this active anger by now.)
I don't think your friend was very tactful, but I don't think she was asking you to goo and gaa over the little boy, I just think she was asking you to behave in an adult manner. Two years is a long time to be so blisteringly angry that you avoid each other. I am not saying it is too long -- it is up to you how long you want to be angry -- but it is pretty long. Maybe your friend was trying to demonstrate (by being nice to the kid who is, after all, her across-the-street neighbor) that life does go on. If she was there for you during the divorce and listened to you cry and rage and took your phone calls in the middle of the night, I'd give her a little slack, she has done heavy friend duty indeed.
I also am curious -- if things are this fraught, why are you still living within a half mile of the guy? He behaved very badly. You don't have to stay around and feel horrible about anything that reminds you of his betrayal and look for his car in a parking lot every time you go to the restaurant, and like that. Life is supposed to go on. Maybe if everything where you live is likely to remind you of him, you should go somewhere new that is more pleasant.
I don't think your friend was very tactful, but I don't think she was asking you to goo and gaa over the little boy, I just think she was asking you to behave in an adult manner. Two years is a long time to be so blisteringly angry that you avoid each other. I am not saying it is too long -- it is up to you how long you want to be angry -- but it is pretty long. Maybe your friend was trying to demonstrate (by being nice to the kid who is, after all, her across-the-street neighbor) that life does go on. If she was there for you during the divorce and listened to you cry and rage and took your phone calls in the middle of the night, I'd give her a little slack, she has done heavy friend duty indeed.
I also am curious -- if things are this fraught, why are you still living within a half mile of the guy? He behaved very badly. You don't have to stay around and feel horrible about anything that reminds you of his betrayal and look for his car in a parking lot every time you go to the restaurant, and like that. Life is supposed to go on. Maybe if everything where you live is likely to remind you of him, you should go somewhere new that is more pleasant.
COMMUNITY LEADER
By the way, also wanted to say how sorry I am that this happened. That is such a betrayal. My niece's husband cheated on her, she found out so they moved to another city and tried to make it work. She got pregnant and was happy when she found out he'd actually moved his girlfriend to the city they had moved to and was seeing her. AND, she was pregnant too. He left his marriage with my niece and went to be with the girlfriend and my niece and this woman have kids that are 2 months apart in age.
Very hard.
But, she has had to be cordial because they are raising kids together. It kind of forced her to let it go. She's now married again herself and she and her ex and his wife have like a business type of relationship just to make it work for her son.
You are lucky that you do not have to see him. and that is a real advantage.
Again, sorry as that is very painful to be cheated on in this way. peace
Very hard.
But, she has had to be cordial because they are raising kids together. It kind of forced her to let it go. She's now married again herself and she and her ex and his wife have like a business type of relationship just to make it work for her son.
You are lucky that you do not have to see him. and that is a real advantage.
Again, sorry as that is very painful to be cheated on in this way. peace
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't know. Maybe in her convoluted way she was trying to help you heal to let go of the anger. The child is probably a cute little guy and she somehow thought that you'd see him and let go of some of the pain. Not saying she was right to think that but what other reason would she have? Why would a friend try to hurt you?
In essence, by avoiding the ex and his wife and child, you are avoiding her since she lives by him. It would be weird to me that a friend wouldn't come over to my house. I'd understand but after five years, I'd start to feel like enough already.
So, try not to be mad at her. If you can not breach any of these gaps, then let her know the boundaries. tell her it still hurts to see them and although you don't harbor any ill will toward the boy, seeing him brings a fresh reminder to your pain and just would rather not. maybe you'll heal more down the road but for now, it still hurts too much. She'll maybe understand if you put it that way. goodluck
In essence, by avoiding the ex and his wife and child, you are avoiding her since she lives by him. It would be weird to me that a friend wouldn't come over to my house. I'd understand but after five years, I'd start to feel like enough already.
So, try not to be mad at her. If you can not breach any of these gaps, then let her know the boundaries. tell her it still hurts to see them and although you don't harbor any ill will toward the boy, seeing him brings a fresh reminder to your pain and just would rather not. maybe you'll heal more down the road but for now, it still hurts too much. She'll maybe understand if you put it that way. goodluck
I am not at all angry at the little boy. And I would have NEVER thought about being mean to him. I just don't want to goo and gaa over him. As far as the woman...Oh yes - she knew full well that he was married and she didn't care. I got this info from a family member and I know it to be the truth.
I (and I'm told my ex) make it a point to avoid each other. We live less than 1/2 mile from each other and frequent the same restaurants, etc. But we have an unwritten rule that if either of us sees the others vehicle we go someplace else.
That is why I'm so angry with my "friend". She KNOWS we do this because I have told her as much, so why she put me in such a position is beyond me. I am going to distance myself from her. What she did to me is unacceptable to me as grounds for a freindship.
I (and I'm told my ex) make it a point to avoid each other. We live less than 1/2 mile from each other and frequent the same restaurants, etc. But we have an unwritten rule that if either of us sees the others vehicle we go someplace else.
That is why I'm so angry with my "friend". She KNOWS we do this because I have told her as much, so why she put me in such a position is beyond me. I am going to distance myself from her. What she did to me is unacceptable to me as grounds for a freindship.
Don't be angry at the kid. He didn't ask to be born and none of this is his fault. You can hate your ex as long as you want, but eventually it won't matter anymore when you move on and put it behind you once and for all. It will happen eventually, but you should try not to get so upset in the meantime cause he's not worth the aggravation. Just be glad you're not married to him anymore. That's the best part cause you don't have to deal with his lies anymore.
Well, I can see being furious with your ex husband, and mad at the woman (though who knows what he told her -- he might have hidden the fact that he was a married man, in which case it wouldn't be too fair to be mad at her for being a gullible stupid-head). But I can't see you being furious with a little boy. *He* didn't lie and cheat on your marriage. He just accidentally came into the world.
Anyway, tell your friend that from now on, you would prefer not to be anywhere nearby if your husband's new family is likely to be around. She might think you are being petty (see above paragraph -- I can see telling her that you never want to see that lying sack of a husband of yours ever again, but it is not the child's fault), but she should be able to abide by that. And ask her not to act so celebratory around you about a family that is, whether accidentally or not, the living evidence that he lied to you and cheated on your marriage.
If that is not retributional enough, then you could just end the friendship.
Anyway, tell your friend that from now on, you would prefer not to be anywhere nearby if your husband's new family is likely to be around. She might think you are being petty (see above paragraph -- I can see telling her that you never want to see that lying sack of a husband of yours ever again, but it is not the child's fault), but she should be able to abide by that. And ask her not to act so celebratory around you about a family that is, whether accidentally or not, the living evidence that he lied to you and cheated on your marriage.
If that is not retributional enough, then you could just end the friendship.
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