Facebook friends from high school

[ItalianGirl330]

Hi,

I moved to Long Island when I was 12 and went to junior and senior high school there.  I made a lot of friends but was basically very shy and unsure of myself.  The neighborhood I lived in was mostly people that worked as professors at SUNY so therefore I was friends with their kids.  We had a nice group and stayed that way for about 6 years.

During that time, I was extremely insecure because I had a family that constantly belittled and made fun of me.  I had no suppport from my mother when my sister called me stupid or ugly.  

Once my sister analyzed my handwriting (I'm a lefty and have terrible handwriting) and she told me that my handwriting showed I was below average in intelligence.  My mother was sitting right there and said nothing.

Back to high school.   While I high school (this was 30 yrs ago) I smoked a lot of pot, drank, slept around but my friends always seemed to accept and love me anyway.  

At 18, I graduated, and my family moved away due to my father getting another job and since I didn't have a car or job, and was embarrassed about my actions in high school, I lost touch with all my old friends.  Part of it was on purpose.  I wanted to "get away from my old self".  I had done so many things I was ashamed of - mostly sleeping with lots of guys and getting drunk and acting like an a-hole.

Now I am on Facebook and have re-connected with some of them.  I found one old girlfriends email through her work at a school and emailed her.  She wrote me back, much to my surprize.  I explained to them about my "mental illness" (diagnosed with depression, possibly manic depression) just to try and explain to them about my actions.  After a while, she stopped emailing me back.  She probably thinks I'm nuts.

I just wanted to reconnect with them and regain our friendship lost.  I told them how much they meant to me at the time and that I thought they actually helped me through high school.

I've noticed that recently most of them have stopped communicating with me via messages or emails.  

I wrote emails to them appologizing for being so "sensitive" and hoping that I didn't scare them by my insecurities.  I know we will probably never be best friends again, but they still have a part of my heart.

Was I wrong to tell them about my mental illness and insecurities?  What do you think is happening with them?  Are they trying to get away from this crazy lady from the past?  

I know they all went on to get married, have kids, have a careers, I'm sure I never crossed their minds in the 30 yrs that past.  I had a short marriage but no kids.  

I miss them though.  I am not a stalker and will not bother them if they don't want to hear from me.

Just wondering what people's thoughts are about my writing to them and am I expecting too much from people I haven't seen in 30 yrs?

Help!

[teko]

It sounds like you are not the only one that wants to leave the past in the past. I would not take it personally. As far as your sister being mean, and mom not saying anything? I can only say from a moms point of view, that when my kids scratched with each other, I for the most part stayed out of it unless it got physical. Let them work itself out between them because kids tend to take you interfering as siding with one or the other. Lol! They still fight and scratch to this day and I still stay out of it.

[Judy246]

You can start by not mentioning your mental illness and insecurities as main topic of conversation to old friends you haven't seen or heard of in 30 yrs. You are scaring them away. Focus on the positive aspects of your life (job, family, relationship, trips, vision and goals). Don't write and seem overbearing or desperate for their friendships.

Also, if your past is affecting your future, it's ok to seek counceling to sort out your emotions and get you back on track. Judy

[ItalianGirl330]

Thank you Teko and Judy.  I guess I just felt this need to explain why I acted the way I did in high school.  They were close friends at one time, not just aquaintances, so I thought I could be honest about my issues.  Maybe I should have thought about it more but I was just so excited to be "in touch" with them again.  

Guess I put the cart before the horse.  

Teko, good advice about mothers and their kids.  My mom always stayed out of things with me and my sister,  I just wish that she had at least once told me that I was worthy of love and that I was a smart person.  I had a 3.5 ave in high school as well as college.  My only drawback is that I get distracted a lot.  My sister is very focused and has a really high IQ.  I am probably at 120 while she is at 140.  She's very smart.  

What else can you tell me Teko about mothers and their children so maybe I can help understand why my mom never really told me she loved me or what she thought of me?

[teko]

It could be the way she was raised by her parents. I would say that is more likely the issue. Kids make a mistake of putting us on a pedistool too. We have our own set of issues, we struggle with. We are far from perfect, just parents learning as we go.  I am sure your mom loves you with all her might, but probably shows more in what she has done for you than what she could (for whatever reason), not put into words.  My parents were not affectionate at all but spent their lives making sure I was brought up right with the tools I needed to take care of myself! lol  They are gone now, and I went thru a period of blaming them for my life, then I had my kids who went thru blaming me for their life, and now they have kids who, Yep you guessed it! are blaming their parents for their life. LOL, Like fashion! Just a great big circle!

[vmvnpv]

My personal feeling?  You don't need to explain yourself and your actions back in high school.  That was 30 years ago and most people would understand that you were young and made decisions that weren't the best but you are now a grown woman and (hopefully) are different.  Most people I know don't care about how someone was in the past.  All that matters is who they are now and how they act towards others.  Don't tell them about your mental illnesses because, honestly, it is way too much information and none of their business.  I'm on Facebook because I just want to connect with my friends from the past to see how they are doing now.  I don't want to hear reasons or excuses for past behaviors.  That's behind us and we're moving on.

[ItalianGirl330]

So, do you think they will ever talk to me again?  Should I just move on and stop trying to explain myself?  The only reason I told them was because they were my best friends at the time, and when I moved away, I purposely never contacted them.  I felt the need to explain.

I am a little embarrassed now but what can I do?

[vmvnpv]

I would give it some time (perhaps a few months) and then try to contact them again.  Just say hi and ask how things are going.  Short and sweet.  (Don't mention you're embarrassed about what you said and don't apologize.  That will make it really awkward.)  I'm sure back then they were hurt that you didn't contact them when you moved but it's been 30 years and they are over it.  There's no need to explain your past.  But you may have made them uncomfortable (not so much scared) by being too open and contacting them so much so they may want to limit their contact with you.  I only say this because I'm going through a similar situation.  DH's friend is super clingly (as is his wife) and they come off as strong, persistent and it's really uncomfortable so we limit our contact with them.  We don't completely ignore them but we don't answer every email they send us because it just feeds into their neediness I guess you can say.  If you contact your friends once in a while and not all the time it will make the situation a lot less uncomfortable for them but also easier for you and as you all become friends again you can open up more.  Good luck!

[waringblender]

I agree with the others that you should keep these interactions as casual as possible. Keep it light.

I'm not a facebook or myspace person so I don't understand the draw of those venues, and I'm also not in contact with anybody from my high school and don't care to be. But any "casual" friendships should be kept that way until there is evidence that you can trust the person with sensitive information about your life. Just keep it light and you'll be fine.

Also there really is no need to explain any behaviors from high school. We all did stupid stuff and weren't always acting appropriately or whatever. It was high school!!! :)