Fallen in love with coworker

How do you walk away from a man that you love and he loves you, we are both married and yet, neither of us want to leave our marriages.  We have not been intimate but it won't be long as we have be talking about it for months.  The what if's and what will it be like?  He has filled an empty spot in my heart however, because of being burned many relationships ago, I'm still have trust issues. I'm upfront and honest with my feelings about everything.  I know how he is with beautiful women and I've never in my life been jealous, until now.  I've told him we need to stop and I've told him why, but he keeps telling me  he will never let me go, that he won't leave.  Deep down I don't want to let him go but if I'm having insecurity issues then I feel it's not fair to him to keep our relationship going.  I deeply, truly, with heart and soul love him. I've committed myself to him as I have to my husband.  Yes, I know it sounds odd but, I love them both?? Oh God help me.

[pertykitty]

im sorry to say he is playing you like a fiddle. he has no intentions of leaving his wife. and you arent the only one he makes feel this way. he is sick, treats women like a prize and you are falling for it. you need to work on yourself, and your marriage. is this fair to the man you exchanged vows with? i know what its like to be in a marriage that might not be what you dreamed of having, but either get with the program or leave. to cheat (and yes that is what is happening whether sex is involved or not) is the worst that you can do. this other man doesnt love you, doesnt respect you, and sure doesnt care anything about you. he is going to hurt you and i wish you see this before its too late. your marriage must be worth something still that you dont want it to end on a fool??> i am brutally honest, but its because you seriously need a wake up call and only a stranger can do that in this manner.

[BearHitch]

I agree with other posters- I would end it, as you will get hurt in the end, especially if your husband finds out and ends things, and then this guy leaves.  It sounds as if you are lonely in your current marriage.  A man can be wonderful and treat you like a queen and still not fill that spot.  I would highly recommend "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  You may be able to find that spot that your husband is not filling that this man is, and then through counseling or just reading it together, talk with your husband about how you can both completely fulfill each other.  Good luck!

[PlateletGal]

He is married and by you getting involved with a married man, you are playing with fire. You will get burned. And even if he does leave his wife (chances are close to zero that he will), you will worry about him cheating on you then and chances are, he probably would be.

Consider putting yourself first and not walking into a fire that will burn you. Don't let this man change your mind... stick to your guns and be your best friend.

[PlateletGal]

You say "I've only a college education" like that doesn't mean anything. I've learned that women who get involved with men who are married and usually have husband's who treat them so well... usually have self-esteem issues.

Question for you: do you feel that you are worthy of your husband's love and attention ?

[messedup2much]

This is what is so difficult.  I love my husband, he treats my like  a Queen.  He's perfect!  I don't know what happened, why it happened or even how it happened.  I know that I'm cheating but that's the other thing...it doesn't feel wrong!!  In my head it is the worst thing I could have ever done however, in my heart it's not!  How do you figure out whether it may be just a physical attraction?  We have become friends, we can talk about anything and whoever is having the "bad" day, the other brings them up.  Crossing the line of making love........neither of us are ready for that and in some way don't want to cross that line.  He is 5 yrs younger than me.  I'm not bad looking for my age....he's not the most handsome guy.....He has 3 children under the age of 15....I have 3 grandchildren.  He is very, very educated and intelligent...I've only a college education with life experiences in tow.... He is city...I am country...  What's the attraction????

[messedup2much]

I think I pretty much know what I need to do......the hardess thing is, can we stay friends, at a distance, just lunch every now and then?  He is a fantatic listener and amazing conversationalist.  This will be the biggest hurdle.  As for self esteem, lost that years ago however, because of this coworker I am slowly starting to believe in myself again......

[pixijal]

Your answer to having lunch once in a while is NO! Girl, you know that every time you have one more experience with him, you only feel CLOSER.  Your objective is FURTHER apart.  Distance is the only thing that will heal your heart...  

You have to cut this off, and proceed with your marriage.  You have a good one, and sometimes issues like this will 'pop up'.  That's why when people are married for 50 years, they get that big party....IT IS HARD WORK, on both sides.  Obstacles will stand in your way from time to time, and that is ok...it is how you respond to them, and how committed you are to a succesfull marriage that dictactes whether or not you'll move on.

He is having his cake, and eating it too.  If you left your husband next week, this guy will not be waiting with open arms for a lifetime commitment with you.  

I understand how the feelings in your heart are pulling on you like you are in a drug iduced coma...It doesn't mean that the relationship is meant to be.  Try to think of it as one of those 8th grade crushes, they usually don't go anywhere.  

Your not alone.  You are not the only married woman to be presented with TEMPTATION...Don't let it get the best of you.  Act as you would like your husband to respond if this happend to him...

I'm sorry you are going through this (it can rip you up!), but you also know in your heart what the right CHOICES are.  Always maintain that 'peace' that goes along with making the right ones.  As grown ups, we don't get to do what we want to do sometimes, instead we have to do what is right.  You know what the right choice is, you just need to be firm and execute your plan for getting over this.  Distance yourself so your heart can heal.  Good luck...

[Trialanderror]

Take this relationship for what it is worth: to make you feel excited about coming to work and to enjoy the jitters of teenage love but leave it at just that. All the great comments above tell you why. And if you want a good laugh about the situation one day, read the book "Red Flags - How to know if you are dating a loser."

[RockRose]

Messedup, you named yourself right.  It's amazing to me,  people who know they are making huge mistakes or have been stupid,  they name themselves right on this board and know what they are doing is a HUGE MISTAKE.

YOU ARE THROWING AWAY HAPPINESS WITH BOTH HANDS.    Your grandchildren will be ashamed of you,  this man doesn't really want you,  your dear husband will be hurt forever,  cut it out!  Stop being a fool - realize the great life you have,  and the blessings you have,  and don't throw it away.

Really.  Best wishes,  wake up and smell the coffee.

[pertykitty]

you have to lose him as a friend. there is no other way. you said you will be asking questions? like are you going to leave your wife? where is this going? you sound like you still arent sure what to do. do know that if your hubby found out who knows if he would stick around. what if he leaves, your friend stays with his wife, and you are all alone? would be a lesson learned at best. maybe get some councling to help yourself. you have had many wonderful responses, and not one suggested maintaining the friendship. you know when marriage becomes a low, and we dont feel what we used to, there is the chance of looking elsewhere when given the opportunity. try to get your hubby to go to marriage counc. maybe so that you can give him the chance to be a good listener. talk to your friends, sister, someone who doesnt create such risk. we reap what we sew. we create our own situations by choices we make. some good, some bad. that greener grass isnt greener. have you given thought to his wife? does he have children or do you? the outcome does involve many people, and you have to think of them as well. what would you tell your best friend if she came to you with the same situation? most likely to leave it be and work on her marriage. i hope this works out for the best, but only you can decide if that is what you want to do.

[pixijal]

Your sooo right.

[messedup2much]

I am taking all comments and suggestions, will read them over and then make a final decision. Thank you Trialanderror.  I get the feeling that you have been where I am?  It's been 2 yrs and this serious part blindsided both of us.  I don't want to lose him as a friend, we have helped each other on numerous occasions and as I said this is why it's so difficult. I will be asking him questions that will be very point blank and no doubt cold and bitchy......

[blackrose]

Hi,messedup2much every one has given you great advice.I want to tell you about my sister and brother-in-law.My sister is unhappy in her marriage,her husband can't have sex no more,due to being impotent.He all so might have prostate cancer.She just told him last week she wasn't happy no more,and she told him,she was thinking about lieving.Well let me tell you,all he// broke lose last Thursday.She had told her 15 year old daughter why they where,breaking up,do you know what she told her,she said it was because her daddy,couldn't satisfy her.She then called her older sister,and told her,she was in tears,because she thinks that is the stupidest reason to lieve her daddy.Her daddy is sick and can't help how he is.Every one has turned against my sister,on his side of the family,because he is going through so many health problems and she is wanting to get out of the relationship,so that she can go and find some one who can satisfy her.Her daughter called her a *****,yesterday,she said she has a momma for a ***** now.Not only that,our momma doesn't think to kindly of her right now,lieving a man who provided for her and got her any thing she needed.She has hurt a lot of people in our family,she flirts with my daughters husband,my daughter is about to stomp her in the ground,she flirts with my husband,and flirts with my daughter and son-in-laws friend who doesn't feel comforable around her,because he knows she is married,not only that he is not interrested in her.Every one is so disappointed in her,to the way she is acting.She doesn't care about any one or any thing.Your family will treat you the same way,especially if they know how your husband treats you,and that he treats you like a queen.Why would you want to lieve him,for this other guy who is not going to get a divorce,or lieve his wife,he is going to use you for every thing your worth and then he will toss you to the side like an old rag,that is worn out.That is what will happen,and even if he says he want,he is lying through his teeth,men like that are dogs,and they treat women like dogs to,when they are done with them.You said you have not had any sexuall relations at all.That doesn't mean a hoot nanny to me,when he gets what he wants,then he will be done with you,then you will be classified the new ***** in your work place.Does that sound like a title you would want to be stuck with?My sister has been marked that now.It doesn't bother her now,but it will later.Don't throw your marriage a way on garbage like him,that is what he is garbage,let the damn dogs have him,and you keep your life and your title as the woman who knew how to not get burned by an *******.Take every ones advice and lieve this piece of **** a lone,he is not worth it.You are worth more than you give your self credit for.You have 3 grandchildren and that there is worth it all.Take care remember who loves you and that is your husband,children and grandchildren.

[PlateletGal]

Just some thoughts:

1. Self-esteem is something that you can only give yourself.

2. You are still attracted to this man. Working and having lunch with him every now and then is temptation. You already stated in your subject line that you are falling in love with him! You need to get yourself away from the fire or you will get burned and if you cheat with this man, you will get burned and trust me, your self-esteem will go downhill faster than someone rolling downhill. How can you have self-esteem when you are cheating and lying to your husband & family ? In addition, this man has no intentions of leaving his wife. Consider putting your marriage first if you really want to remain faithful to your husband. If there are problems in your marriage, there is counseling available. If you find that you aren't happy and aren't in love with your husband... then do things by the book. When you put your marriage first, that means you are putting your job second. You may want to consider finding another job.

If you cheat (which you are in your heart already), then remember everyone who get hurt as a result. He has a family and you have a family. Is it worth playing with fire ? I don't think it is.

[messedup2much]

Just to clear some things up.  We live in two different directions.  We only see each other at work and we work at opposite ends of the company, in different depts.  As for the questions Pertykitty, none of them will be about leaving his wife or family.  Since we are friends they will be much deeper than that. I guess it will be my way of making the "break" less difficult on me if he answers them the way "I don't" want to hear or know. I know the grass on the other side is not greener.  As I mentioned we talk about a lot of things, his life, my life, his wife, my husband, our children, our hopes, fears, dreams.  

My husband does know that we are friends and every time we have lunch, I tell my husband.  The only thing I have not told my husband yet and yes, I said YET, is that our feelings have increased.  We have lunch one or two times a week and that will be stopping.  My husband and I have a fantastic marriage, that's why I don't know why I'm feeling these things about my friend!?

[pertykitty]

im sorry you are so lost! we have given you many reasons why you could be feeling this but you wont listen.ask questions deeper than his marriage? you need to get some help somewhere, you are starting to become dilutional. im done understanding and trying to help. you are continuing this, pursuing it, and not at all wanting to stop it so you may get just what you deserve!!

[Trialanderror]

Since you indirectly asked: no, I have not been in exactly the same situation but for a while I was on a co-worker`s radar screen who cures his own lack of self esteem by "making" women fall in love with him, from the safety of a marriage with children that he would never leave. I was neither married nor in any relationship and enjoyed some male attention and he sure always had the right words to make me think we would have been the ideal pair if we would have met earlier. The whole method of operation with these guys is that they want you to think how incomplete your and their life is and that both of you deserve better by "hopping in the sack". The great friendship stuff is usually just brainwash. Once the co-worker I am referring to became very suggestive and bombarded me with sultry phone calls,
I told him I had no interest in helping him to cheat on his wife because I do not like liars. Right then he started spreading frivolous rumours about him and me, his main interest was to look like an incredible womanizer in front of his work buddies. Co=incidentially, he was fired soon after and I really had nothing to do with that. So, if you are messed up too much, take a break from it all and don`t go with trial and error....

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Everyone has given your great advice.  I hope you find the strength to walk away and walk into your husband's arms.  There will be nothing but pain for you and your family if you continue down this path.  Do you want to be that kind of woman?  A cheat, a piece on the side, a booty call, the other woman, a homewrecker?

I think you are a woman of character and substance.  Do not destroy yourself in this manner.  Get far away from him, do not be his friend.  Rediscover why your husband can be your best friend.

[Laurka]

god! there are so many women thinking of leaving or staying...(including myself of course)so surprised. I have been where you have a year ago, but hey guess what! It turned out that it was not the right time, i've distanced myself... and after a while ..remembering that, just smiled to myself inside...and huged my husband thinking how good it is that i have him! :)

but i am at the different stage now.. good luck!

[pixijal]

I have been in your situation...it was a friend of my husbands.  Very difficult, and someone we couldn't just get out of our lives.  The feelings are so strong, and it feels impossible to rip yourselves apart.  This is what I did when I actually came to the realization that it wasn't worth it to jeopordize my family for what was going on between me and Brad...

I know it sounds TWISTED, but coming 'clean' to your husband is actually a very brave and great start to getting over this guy.  Once you say this out loud to him, it will be then that you realize the magnitude that this carries.  In addition, you will also create someone to answer to in this situation, which will provide strength to get through this.  If your husband is aware of the situation, you will feel like the affair is not optional, and it will no longer be left for you to guess.  If you tell him, there will be no turning back.   There is no need to discuss anything with the co-worker, all discussions must take place between YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND.  

To fix any relationship, do not turn outside of the relationship.  You have to fix your relationship with the person involved, and nobody else.

You may not ever get over this, I still am not after 3 years.  I don't know if I ever will....but, you don't have to get over him before you MOVE ON and start making the right choices.  I hope everything works out for you.  Unfortuanately, I know exactly how you feel.  Your marriage is WORTH THE FIGHT.

[confussed]

Wow I thought I was the only one that stuff like that happens to....See everyone I'm not!!! Well all I can tell you is they are right he's probably not really as great as he seems cause I thought I found that someone that I had always dreamed of and I could go a day without talking to him somehow.  He loved me "I thought" and I loved him more than life it's self.  But when it came down to it he didn't take that chance and really prove his love to me. He's still with his wife.  And well it's been over a month now and I won't say I don't miss him or should I say the him I thought he was but.....reality kicked in and well I saw what I had in front of me and realized I didn't want to lose what I have so.  WEll I am getting married to my fiance of 8 years Sunday and I really feel I am making the right choice. Maybe my experience can help you see a light.

[messedup2much]

Well everyone..........I told my husband. Told him how I felt about my friend and that the feelings for each other have increased over time.  Told him that we had not "crossed that line" but it could very easily happen.  His response....."as long as your shoes, all 62 pairs, are under our bed every night, I know where you want to be!"  Was I surprised...no....because that saying is something that I had told him when he was getting close to his assistant.  Does he still have contact with her?  Of course, it's his assistant.  Do I worry about the "are they"?  No..why....because his boots are under our bed every night and I know we love each other more than words!  So, am I going to continue my friend...yes....but for now, at a distance.

[confussed]

Just please be careful.  Because if it seems to good to be true it probably is.  I'm speaking from experience.  And not a long time ago either.  I'm talking last month.  It had gone on for over 6 months and he seemed like the knight in shining armor I could only dream of.  But when it came down to it when he thought it was gonna be he had to chose me or his wife.....well as you can tell It wasn't me and come to find our he was fake all along.  So I won't try and tell you what to do, but I will ask that you gaurd your heart cause you can let it get so involved before you know it and then it get's stomped on.  That's not a good feeling.

[pricej]

I know I am late on this post but i just have to say something....I think you new the anserew before you even posted. You new the whole time you wasn't going to cut it off. I think you marriage is a diasaster waiting to happen. And in time you will see how wrong you are living you life. I feel sorry for you in a way. You have been giving so much good advise but your not hearing it. what you are doing is wrong. And it is a huge red flag when your husband says he doesn't care because your shoes are under his bed. How does a husband not care that his wife has feelings for another man and might cheat on him. One day you will relize what you are doing is wrong and then it will be too late. One day you will feel ashamed and used. In time it will come back to bite you. Prettykitty said it best. you will get what you deserve.

[messedup2much]

Obviously you don't read very well.  If you payed attention to my closing, you would see that I have distance myself from my friend.  I've made sure that we only have contact as required, during meetings and that's it.  He is devastated and it hurts like hell having to do this however, he realizes that I do love my husband and my marriage.  He too loves his wife and does not want to ruin his marriage.

[pertykitty]

now you love him more than words??? hope this all works out, you seem very defensive and confused. you ask, we answer and not always the way you want to hear. im proud that you took the step and told your husband. REMEMBER THOUGH-just because boots are under then bed at night, doesnt mean they are under someone elses during the day!

[messedup2much]

Well Pertykitty sounds like you have the issues!  Not once did I ever say or state that "I love him (co-worker)more than words", that is the love for my husband. I think you need therapy, lots of anger there??
As I said, I have put distance between us.  It's difficult since we both work in the same company and must meet during meetings.  Anyway, I know what I need to do, have done it, and will survive.  You on the other hand.....seek help for you negativity, life is much brighter without anger!!  For everyone else that responded, thank you for all your help.

[Hurt and Mad]

I'm sorry, I have a husband cheating on me right now, IT'S NOT RIGHT!  You have gone against your marriage vows, even if you have not been physical with this man, you are both Cheaters.  How would you feel if you were the faithful one in your relationship just to find out the person you Love is in Love with someone else?  It's not Cool, you get no sympothy from me.

[messedup2much]

Well......here's a wonderful tidbit to you all...........after all of this, turns out, the man I trusted, my husband, who I had put my life on hold for, done the "wifey" duties for, gave away "my life" for,  has been having an affair for the past 11 months!!!!!!!!!!!  Isn't that a wonderful slap in the face???  I've been turning myself inside out for the past 4 months, for what???  I've turned away a man who cared, yes cared!!!  Thanks to all who supported!!!  If I could give you all a gesture, guess what it would be???????????

[Hurt and Mad]

Two wrongs don't make a right.  Sorry to hear your husband was cheating TO so it sounds as if you were really not meant for each other and you both need to move on and find someone who is not married to have a relationship with.  Good Luck!

[honestly777]

I agree with what the other person said.  Leave the married man alone!!  Especially if he has young children, what do you think it does to them when women like you try to steal their father??

Divorce would ruin the children's lives and their father (your would be lover) would only get to see his children every other weekend.

Grow up and leave the married man alone!~!

[jo929]

these office romances are very common and that is what it is an office romance, i am quite sure you knew what you were going to do when you posted it seems nowdays people take theiir vows to lightly sometime men and woman can mistake lust for love     sorry no offense just my humble opion         jo

[LoveMe2010]

this is a HOT TOPIC!!!
first off u need to ask urself WHY is ur heart not completely filled in the first place??????   and why does it take another man to fill that empty void in ur heart, that ur husband job>>> so right there that tell me ur not happy... maybe theres trouble @ home.... that needs to be fixed.!!!!
once you fix that then you ask urself do i still love my co-worker.... im 95% sure u wont... you know why?????????????   because ur completely happy, u repaired ur relationship.
you did vow to have and to hold thru sickness and death right???? wellyou made that commitment u need to stick to it....... before u jump to someone who "fills ur heart" remember everything always starts off great for the most part.... and lets just say u and ur co-worker get together.... there will be drama with that relationship too... are u gonna turn to the next man that light ur fire again????... just thnk about that.

now once youve tried EVERYTHING to fix ur own relationship and NOTHING works and u still feel uncomplete then get a divorce and if the coworker really loves u, hell get a divorce tooo.
what im trying to says is just dont jump into things with ur heart first, useur head first and let ur heart follow it will save u from a lot of heartache and pain... atleast the unneccessary H&P.  trust me...
GOOD LUCK