Father/Daughter relationships - How close is too close?

[crystalmichelle]

My boyfriend is divorced and his 10 year old daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend; During the summer she stays for longer periods of time.  Before I moved in and a few months after my boyfriend would allow his daughter to sleep in his bed and if I fell asleep in our bed he would sleep with her downstairs in her bed.  This bothered me so I asked him to please give her structure in our home and I asked for 2 things: 1) SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A BED TIME and be consistent with putting her to bed at that time. 2) DO NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND/OR LAY WITH HER INAPPROPRIATELY. These 2 issues bother me enough that I consider leaving.  My boyfriend does not see the importance in having a bed time for a child.  In his mind its the weekend so who cares how late she stays up.  He says that he does not get to spend that much time with her so every hour counts.  I agree with this just not when the child is staying up until 3-4am.  During this time she will scream out daddy! daddy! daddy! telling him she is sick, cold, thirsty, or scared. He runs to her every time she screams for him even if it causes us both to get 3-4 hours of sleep.  She used to crawl into our room and stand above her dad until he woke up.  I think there needs to be structure and when 9:30 on weekdays and 11pm on weekends rolls around then it is lights out and time to go to bed.  I don't think this is time for one more t.v. show or a bike ride then THINK about getting ready for bed.  Or the daughter negotiating on a bed time. Am I being to harsh on expecting a bed time and the bed time not include my boyfriend sleeping with her until she falls asleep?  I work late nights so I came home one night to see him spooning his daughter.  I know there is not sexual abuse but it is weird and freaks me out knowing he lays with her the same way he lays with me.  I am a strong individual and was raised by a mother and father who showered me with love and I never once saw anything like this.  When we take naps he will lay on the couch with her either infront of him stretched out or she will lay behind him with her arms around him and sometimes her legs wrapped over his.  She will lay her head on his lap near his package when watching t.v. as he strokes her arms, hair, and back to relax her.  He took her to drive his car and sat her on his lap which I feel she is way too old to be sitting on her dad that way.  When they play around she has put her crotch in his face to hold him down and she slaps his butt.  She has her body pressed all over his and I feel this is not right for a child who is approaching puberty.  When ever I show some affection she will try to duplicate it and that is why I try not to be too affectionate towards him infront of her. Simple things such as holding hands or hugging. I will ask for a neck massage which includes oil before I go to work sometimes and if she is there she will continuously say "me next" "me next" until he is finished with mine.  I personally feel weirded out by him putting oil all over neck and back since she has to pull her shirt up for him to do it.  I just don't like it!  My mom rubs my neck all the time but I feel there is a difference in the way my mom is allowed to touch me and the way my dad touches me.  I was laying on the couch with him one afternoon and I saw his daughter come out of her room and then all of a sudden she saw us laying on the couch so she dropped to the floor and crawled back in her room thinking no one saw her.  She then pretended to be sick for 6 hours until I went to work.  I told him that as soon as I went to work she would be fine and sure enough, as soon as I went to work she was cured from her sickness!  He does not see the manipulation that she pulls on him!  I need to know if I am freaking out when I see them laying all over each other for no reason or am I the one who is in the wrong for asking these things from him?  Am I being to strict when I ask for a bed time? Do I leave if these issues are not corrected.  

[Priscilla_5]

I have someeeeewhat a similar situation with my boyfriend and her younger sis.... Except they are not so cuddly with each other. My boyfriends younger sis tries 2 hug my boyfriend in front of me and tries to make it very noticeable. She has offended my brother and my mother and many times has been rude 2 me... Me and my boyfriend now have 31/2

[specialmom]

Hi,  this is a VERY old thread.  If someone has a question, it is best to start your own rather than rehashing something posted a long while ago.  

thanks!

[jjenk8]

I know this is an old forum, I just happened to stumble upon it when searching for help and felt that the answers here were very interesting, thoughtful, and solid.

[jjenk8]

I need advice.

My fiancee's daughter is nine years old. I absolutely adore her and him and love all of our bond. We have gone through getting her to sleep in her own bed in the past year and its still hard some nights. I took over washing and rinsing her hair when she was 7. She has a tendency to not get all of the conditioner out.

Also, she loves to run around naked, which I told him I was uncomfortable with and he tells her she needs to clothe herself when not in the bathroom, but it is a struggle to this day to enforce.

She only spends every other weekend at our house. Her mom babies her very extensively. Her mom has been married for 3 years this month, and from day one her husband sleeps in another bedroom and the daughter chooses which bed she wants to sleep in while at her moms, her mothers or her stepfathers. This little girl loves to cuddle too. If she lays next to you on the couch or in a chair she wraps both arms around you, holds, your hand, and intertwines fingers. I was very uncomfortable hearing that a 35 year old man who is unrelated is sleeping with a, now, 9 year old little girl that cuddles like that.

When helping her with her hair about a year ago, she asked me if I would bathe her. I told her no and explained that she is at an age where she needs to be doing that on her own. She said, well mom still bathes me and that I was almost her stepmom and that was just like a mom. I replied with my usual response of I love her to the moon and back and am privileged and blessed to have her as part of my family, but you only have one mom and one dad, even though we may feel like extra parents Mom and Dad should always be separate from step mom and stepdad. She continued begging. I asked her what she would do if her mom wasn't home at bedtime. She said her stepdad would bathe her. He was like her dad because he was her stepdad. I told her real dad about this. He didn't do anything. His ex-wife is very aggressive and has a lot of money. Every time he brought situations up tp her in the past she hires a lawyer and they have to go back to court and she keeps threatening to take her from him.

She has gone as far as calling my place of work between undergraduate and graduate school to tell them to fire me or she was not going to refer patients to them any longer. She tells the daughter bad things about her father all the time. The first time I met her she said a negative comment about the father in front of me and the daughter. We had to meet with her because she had "forgotten" to give the daughter something  and than refused to call me demanding that I call her. The father tried reminding her I was bringing their daughter somewhere to assist them, I ended up calling her. I just wanted to give y'all an idea of that relationship to understand part of why I am struggling as to what to do.

About three months after that, she came to our house on a Thursday and I was helping her with her hair and saw she had press on tattoo cupcake on the insides of her iliac crests. Saturday when she was going to take a bath, I saw she still ahd the cupcakes and told her she needed to bathe better. She said she couldn't remove them. When I asked why she said because her stepfather "liked to eat her cupcakes."

I told my fiancee about this. He asked to see her cupcakes and made her show them to him and got upset about it,  I know that was the wrong reaction. I would have waited to tell him until she went to sleep and we could have talked about it if I would have known he was going to act like that. He talked to his ex-wife about it and she brought up and told him it was worse that I had signed the child's test paper when I was doing homework with her one night when my fiancé was getting home late and than went into going back to court.

Not long after this we were at our camp and I had gone to take a shower. About two minutes later she busts into the bathroom and jumps in with me. I was VERY uncomfortable. She still bathes with her mom in the bathtub is what she told me.

I really like her stepfather and do not imagine sexual activity, but I think it is teaching her very weird things about men and nudity and dependence and I just don't know what to do.

[leticia710]

There is nothing wrong with a father and daughtr being affectionate and laying together as long as nothing else is happening u sound jealous

[specialmom]

Sorry that happened to you hon.  Your gut tells you that things were definately wrong.  So, I'm very sorry.

Hope you've found a peaceful life for yourself now that you are an adult.  good luck