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Feel Like Husbands Family is Ruining Our Marriage
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by alaysha, Oct 13, 2012
First off let me say that I am super sorry this is such a novel but that I could really use some advice or at least someone to tell me if it is honestly my fault or to tell me that I’m not crazy for feeling so broken because of this.
Ever since I met my husband I have felt like the third wheel around his family and they have made points to tell me that I am not liked. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. I have a 4 year old that he is supposed to be adopting from a previous relationship and together he and I have another daughter that just turned 2 last week. I have always put up with his families dislike of me and have tried to be the bigger person and let things go. Before we got married his mother came to our house crying because her and her son were in a fight and he wouldn’t talk to her so I felt bad and talked to her and during our conversation she tells me that she doesn’t know why her son is with me. That he should be with someone from Harvard or Columbia instead of a stupid little party girl like me.  
Recently my mother in law called me to tell me how unsupportive I am of my husband and how I am the worst daughter in law and biggest disappointment in her life. I posted to all my friends on facebook that “I love when my mother in law calls me a disappointment. Just means she loves me!” All my friends commented about how horrible in laws can be and to not let her get to me. Well my niece (on my husband’s side) saw the post and texted me telling me I’m a horrible person and how could I do that to her grandma? Then I get a call from my husband saying that his niece had seen it and that his mom was mad and upset and that I was uninvited to his sister’s wedding until I deleted the post and apologized to his mother. His mother also decided to email every friend of mine that commented on it and tell them that she loves my family and that I was exaggerating and wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt my family and loved us all. Anyways, I refused for 3 days to apologize because I don’t feel like I should have to censor what I say to my friends. But I could see that it was hurting my husband and so I decided to be the bigger person and I apologized and deleted the post. At the wedding they were short with me and rude and during the family “couples” dances and toasts I was given the job of filling up shots by myself on the other side of the venue.
My husband recently was cornered by his mom into leaving his job to come do the sales for her job. She claimed that he would be making better money since it was commissioned based, but that he would need to work really hard to get the numbers up to receive decent money. Before that he was making about 3000-8000 a month at his old job. When he told me he was going to quit and go work for his mom I BEGGED him not to. I told him that I didn’t think she would ever allow him to make more then he was currently making and I knew if he was with them 24/7 that they would get involved in our relationship and I didn’t want that. Within the first two months of working there he was only bringing in about $500 a week which to support our household (since I had just graduated from college and was searching for a job) was not enough. I ended up trying to sign up for food stamps and we were sent eviction papers from the landlord of the property we rent. When we needed to send in the food stamp papers I had just picked up my daughter from school and was wearing sweat pants. He told me to come into the office to fax the papers so I came in for about 5 minutes and left. About a week later is when we received the eviction notice which he asked me to bring him and then left on his desk for about a week. Then I ended up getting a job and called him to say “YAY” and he asked me to stop by the office so he could borrow some money. I went down to his office and handed him a $20 and asked if it was enough and he said that he needed to pay his phone bill and so I went out to my car and came back in and gave him $100. Then I reminded him that my car bill was due the next day so I needed the money back asap. That night I got a call from my mother-in-law screaming at me that I was NEVER allowed to come to her office again because I create too make conflict for a work environment. I asked her what she meant since I hadn’t felt like I had done anything and she starts yelling about how I come into her office in pjs and leave our eviction crap all over the place for anyone to find and that I was yelling at Nathan about money when I went into the office earlier that day. I started to cry and my husband was like “whats wrong” and so I hung up on her and told him and he was upset because he felt that I too had done nothing wrong and that I most certainly hadn’t yelled and so he called her and told her to back off. Then after calling her he tells me that its my fault and that I need to respect her boundaries.
Member Comments (35)
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by alaysha, Oct 13, 2012
The following week was my birthday and that morning my husband had given me money to go get my nails done. Well I parked at the nail salon and it wasn’t open for ten minutes so I took the 3 minute walk to starbucks to get a chai and then went back to the salon. While getting my nails done I get a call from my husband stating that his mom had called his sister and apparently I had seen her earlier today and she was offended that I had just ignored her and pretended she didn’t exist. I was like “ugh…ok… where was your mother?” He said “at starbucks” I replied that I don’t recall seeing her at all and where was she. He says “In her car.” Well, I don’t make it a habit of randomly looking into cars parked in front of starbucks and he knew that so he said he thought it was silly and I replied that since it was my birthday if she had seen me why hadn’t she rolled down her window or even gotten out of her car to say hi and happy birthday? Later that day I went to lunch with my girlfriends and then shopping and then my phone died. I called my husband from one of my girlfriends phones to say I was heading home and that he had my phone charger and that I needed to come get it. He told me to call him when I got there and I reminded him my phone was dead. He asked me to call from the daycare when I picked up the kids before I got there and I said no that I would see him there. I go and pick up the girls and have a 30 minute chat with the teacher and then as I’m leaving she tells me that my husband had called and that he told her to tell me that my phone charger was on the seat of his car. Well I told her I was going to pretend she didn’t say that because I wanted to see him before I headed home. I walked into his office and he hurriedly rushed me out and ask if the teacher had told me that it was on the seat of his car. I told him no and he said oh. Well that night he is supposed to pick up his niece to watch the girls so we can go to dinner and a movie for my birthday and when he gets home she isn’t with him. He says that his mom picked her up instead and that we would have to wait until she was done doing whatever with her. Eventually she calls and she and my husband bicker back and forth about who is going to pick her up or drop her off. Then they reach a stalemate and his mom says she’ll call back. Then his sister calls to inform him that she asked the teacher at our daycare (her son goes there as well) if she had told me my husband had left the charger in the car and that she said yes so she just wanted my husband to know that I had lied to him. That he got that right? That I lied? Well that started a huge fight between us because he said that his mother had yelled at him for an hour after I left about not respecting her boundaries. I told him I was sorry but that I wanted to see him and that I was my birthday and I didn’t think it was a big deal. At that same point his mom calls and is yelling again about who is going to pick up the niece or if she has to drop her off and at that point I’m so sick of everything that I just kiss my girls goodbye and leave. My husband didn’t even try to stop me. I call a friend crying because my feelings are hurt and she tells me to meet her at a bar near our house and we’ll have a couple beers. My husband calls screaming and tells me he can’t believe I left and to not bother coming home. I meet up with my friend and we have 2 beers and during that time I text my husband and tell him I don’t want to fight but that I feel like his family keeps attacking me and that if he wanted to, to come down. He doesn’t respond but then later texts to remind me not to come home. I end up leaving at 10 and stopping at the store to buy a cake so I can wake up the girls to eat cake with me (they go to bed about 9:30-10 so I didn’t think it was a big deal) I get to the house and all the doors are locked and my garage door opener wont open the doors. I call him and he tells me to leave that I’m not welcome there. I walk around the back and like a dummy he had forgotten to lock the back door. He yells at me to leave and I say “yeah one second” and open the front door to get to my car to get the cake and as I’m walking back he pushes me and tells me to leave. I regain my balance and again he locks me out and this time I get to the back door faster then him and get inside. I wake up the girls (only the 4 year old actually got up) and we go into the kitchen and put candles in my cake and sing and my husband completely ignores the whole thing.
The next day I post on facebook that I had the worst birthday ever and that I hope this isn’t a prelude of things to come. Well his family are cyber stalkers and went through a mutual friends facebook to see if I would say anything and then got mad that I was telling people they ruined my birthday.
I don’t talk to them for 2 weeks (other then to be told that I’m kicked out of using his sisters apartment complex gym) and one day my husband is throwing up and I end up taking the girls to school/daycare (its 2 minutes away from my husbands work so he usually takes them since I work about 30 minutes away) Then I realize that wholly guacamole the daughter at school has a ½ day and I can’t leave to pick her up. I call my husband repeatedly but his phone is off so I try calling his sister, mother, brother-in-law and office to see if any of them can pick her up for me. No one answers. Eventually I get a hold of his sister and she answers and says in a sickly sweet and false voice, “I’m super busy there isn’t anything I can do for you.” I then ask if she can ask her mom and she says “everyone at the office is just super busy today and that no one is going to be able to help you out. Sorry.” I hang up and grab my keys to go pick up my daughter and when I am almost there my husband calls and asks what I’m doing and I say “picking up aspen” and he responds that he had spoken to his sister earlier that morning saying he was going to be in at noon and not to worry about Aspen because he would be picking her up. Great of her to tell me that. When I tell him that though he just says she doesn’t owe me any explanations.  Later that day I get a call from my husband that his sister (who is 28 weeks pregnant) is spotting and that his family believe that its because I stressed her out to much by calling the office.
We don’t speak for another couple weeks and then its our daughters 2nd birthday and he invites his family. But I am told that if I cause any problems that I will have to leave and that he told him mom the same thing. Well his mom acts really cordial but every time I try to talk to my sister-in-law she stares straight ahead with a blank expression and won’t talk/respond to me. I try to take the kids to ride rides and my husband gets upset that I’m excluding his family and that I need to be with them while we walk around and that he needs to run an errand. So I try to walk with them and they are just rude and ignore me so when my husband gets back I pass our daughter off to him and go sit with my friends.
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by alaysha, Oct 13, 2012
A couple days later my husband gets home from work and is talking on the phone saying something about 6 am. He gets off the phone and I ask him who he was talking to and I ask him if he has a meeting in the morning or something and he says no that he needs to leave our house at 4am because he has a plane at 6am to go to las vegas with his mom for some last minute business conference. I get angry because the next morning is the day of our daughters actual birthday and that he didn’t think to give me more notice or talk to me about it before just telling me he’ll be leaving early in the morning and that its our daughters birthday had he should be here. He goes on and on about what a good opportunity it is and leaves anyways. I spend the 2 days he is gone taking the girls to the movies and dinner and even invite his sister and her husband and kids to come it they like or I could take their kids if they want some alone time and they don’t even respond.
I send my husband a poem I like on facebook and then get a call from him to take it down. That he hadn’t seen it but that when he came into the office a poem was lying on his chair that his mom printed out and that she wanted to know his thoughts. He didn’t like it and told her as much and asked where she had found this cr*p and she responds that “your wife posted it on your facebook.”
A couple days later I leave my desk at work for a couple minutes and come back and see that I have a missed call and a text and the text is from my husband saying that he tried to call to ask if it was ok that his mom and sister take the girls for a couple hours and that since I didn’t answer he said it was fine. I get mad because its last minute and he didn’t even wait 2 minutes for me to call back and that I haven’t seen my oldest daughter in 2 days because of my work schedule and that in the future she needs to ask in advance and because I am their mother she needs to have the decency to ask me as well. He tells me that its his fault and not to start drama with his mom. But the fact is she does this ALL the time and she has yet to ask in advance or ever even bother to ask me. When she drops off the girls 2 hours later I go out front with my husband and he helps get the kids out of the car and his whole family ignores me and pretends that I don’t exist and I keep trying t talk to his mom but she doesn’t respond. Finally as she starts to climb into the car I try to speak again and she tries to shut the door so I grab it and open it and say “I need to talk to you!” and she says, “what?” and I respond that I don’t mind her taking the girls at all and am 100% ok with it but that in the future I need her to please ask me and plan things a little in advance. Even an hour in advance as long as I know. She says that she’ll see what he son says and slams the door. My husband waves as they back up and yells “I love you” and we go back inside. I get mad because once again he didn’t stick up for me and he says that I shouldn’t have been so rude and that he isn’t going to be involved and that if I have to say something to his mom I can say it but that if I “keep trying to keep the girls away from her she will file for grandparents rights” So I text her and again say what I said at the car and tell her that if she wants to be childish and petty and not ask me that she will not be taking the girls and that as far as grandparents rights go she isn’t my oldest grandmother but her step-grandmother so that will never  woke so instead of being ridiculous just to ask. She respond that she doesn’t have to ask her son-in-law and that she thinks that I have no respect for anyone, am addicted to drama and that I need to fill my life with love instead of hate and that she will pray I get over this obsession I have. Well I respond that she doesn’t try to get along with me like she does her son-in-law and that I haven’t been going out of my way to hurt her or talk behind her back and that I will always be in her life and if she wants to go to counseling I am 100% ok with that and think it will solve our issues and that I will always be in her life and to at least try to get along with me for the sake of her son and the fact that I’m married to him. She doesn’t respond.
Next day I talk to my husband on the phone and he says that the next day his mom and sister and him and the kids are going to go to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard and that they’ll be home at six. I ask if they can go Sunday instead since I have work and would really like to go and my husband responds that I need to stop being so controlling and trying to get his family out of the girls life. I call him back a little while later and tell him that my work said I can have the next day off so I can go too and what time are we going and he responds that he doesn’t know why I want to go and that he has to work all day and then is meeting up with them and that why don’t we go do something and let them take the girls and I say no that I want to go. Then he tells me that no one wants me there because I cause problems and to leave his family alone and stop trying to involve myself, that his mother is having a cancer scare and that she doesn’t know how much longer she has and that she wants to spend all the time she can with the girls and that no one likes me that he doesn’t even like me and that he doesn’t even want to be in this marriage anymore and that the only reason he stays is because of the kids and that if I keep making things difficult that he is going to leave me and take everything and ruin my life and then hangs up.
I go home that night and we don’t speak. We don’t cuddle in bed and in the morning I start crying and he asks why I’m crying and I can’t even respond because he should know by now and if I even try to talk about it I’ll be told once again how everything is 100% my fault and that his family is innocent of all wrong doing and that I caused this whole thing.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I signed us up for couples counseling but it doesn’t start for 2 ½ more weeks and I feel like I am drowning now. Please some give me some advice!
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by AnnieBrooke, Oct 13, 2012
My advice is to get into couples counseling sooner, explain to them it is an emergency.
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by RockRose, Oct 13, 2012
Before you go to couples counseling and spend all that money,  you need to ask yourself this question:

is it more important to me to keep my marriage and make my husband happy?

OR

is it more important to me to continue this feud with my husband's family?

I can't tell what's going on here,  who started it,  but there are some choices you made (the facebook thing being the most obvious) where  you clearly have intended to insult them very publicly.  

You are on the hairy,  hairy edge of losing your second marriage.  I don't know what happened that dissolved the first one,  but you need to answer the question above before proceeding.

My guess is,  there's no way in the world you will drop this back and forth.  It's too much a part of your life.  
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by Nighthawk61, Oct 13, 2012
Hi Alaysha, sorry to hear you don't get along with the in-laws, it's certainly not a new story. I'm glad that you and your husband are going to therapy, but as I see it the answer to your problems is quite simple.

It doesn't matter why you don't like them, or why they don't like you, the fact is that they don't, and you don't. I appreciate that you asked your mother in law to go to counselling, and that you were trying to salvage a relationship, but she said nothing at the time (which means she may have considered thinking about it) but decided not to. I'm not sure if this is because of anything that you said on facebook, or whether there was simply no chance in hell that it was going to happen.

IMO you'd do well to just accept that there is no chance at a respect between you and your husband's family, and you need to stay away from their place of business, not discuss them on facebook, decide whether your children would be harmed in their care (whether or not they speak badly of their mother), and allow your children to do what you would like to do yourself, and that is to have healthy contact with your husband's family.

You have a job, you have your friends, you have your family, and you have your husband and children to keep you busy. You don't need to be in contact with them, or to continue to associate yourself in any way. Sure, it's sad, but by you deciding to take the high road, your husband may begin to get back to being your partner.

There is the question as to whether you leave, because you never thought in a million years that you would be in the position of being what you may be consider to be, dispossessed and in exile.

As far as the position that your husband's family are making, I get it ,(I've dealt with this myself, as a 2nd wife, with no biological children), but the fact it, that it is a good thing for you to set boundaries. This is not going to fix itself. They don't like the way they act around you, it ruins the mood of get-together's or business, and it is their coping tool, to say enough of this, enough drama. You would feel much better if you adopted this method of coping yourself (as I had to) IMO.

I don't know whether you want you oldest daughter to be involved in their family, like her sister.  i would figure out how I could be peaceful, and then decide if the two sister's couldn't enjoy both their company, and your own , together, because I think it would be a shame for them to feel like they needed to split up their family experience any more than necessary (the fact that you will not be attending your husband's family get togethers). That's up to you, and more probably should be up to your daughter (with no pressure from you) depending on what age she is.

It's over, learn to live with it. Be happy and healthy, in your own life, work on your marriage (or not). But, find peace. Find forgiveness, We don't learn to find forgiveness for the other party, we do it for ourselves so that we can find closure to a bad situation. You're just going to have to be the bigger person her.

IMO ,I'm sorry, but you made a very big mistake expecting your child's daycare worker to lie for you about the telephone charger. She would not be doing her job if she did. You cannot expect other people to get involved in the drama that has been the "norm" for this family strife. The, you lied to your husband. Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you be more interested in showing yourself in a better light? Now, because of this silly lie, your husband is not sure of your credibility, in other areas, with his mother, with his children maybe.

IMO you need to stop demanding that people like you , or respect you, or want you around. (I had to, I don't say this lightly and I'm not suggesting blame) that's not the way it works. You know that. The fact is, that your husband's family have a reasonable right to see your children (unless they bad mouth you). I think the best thing for you to do is to get personal counseling about how to let go of a situation that you cannot control, and talk and think very specifically about what is your first priority, that of your children's relationship with your husband's side of the family.

I know that I may not sound sympathetic, but I definitely am. I've been in the same situation.and in YOUR shoes.  I wouldn't get into here, because it was years ago (12 years) and the mother in law passed away years ago, even the x-wife that was causing problems, passed away. It became a non issue , not a drama, many years ago for me. I simply feel nothing now when I think about it. I'm glad that the rejection ended, because it was a source of pain. I sure don't regret not knowing these people, I mean, I don't respect the position they put me in as a step mother and 2nd wife. I don't like them, I;m real glad I didn't get to know them better, because my disgust with them would only have grown exponentially.  And that's it, that's all there is to it.  Give up, it's over. Let your kid's get on with it with them, if they are loved and respected, and work on your relationship (or don't) with therapy with your husband;. Expect the same from your husband as you do with your kids. If he is loved and respected for himself, let him have his relationship with his family without you. You're not going to be able to stop it if you try (I tried, and there was definitely less family gatherings that he attended, he quit the birthday parties every month it seemed, I told his family NOT to ever call a phone and ask for my husband, and they HAD to respect that. You're husband probably has his own cell phone , so that's probably not an issue for you, but it was for us, and my husband didn't do anything when I told them all to F off and not call my home.).

You want to continue being in the mix, having the family go through you to get visitation with your kids. I suggest you give that up. Your husband is capable of understanding that you need to be given the head's up for visitation right? You don't need the drama of demanding that they respect you as the mother. They don't like you You don't like them Don't bother, As long as your husband has respect for you, and gives you notice, your golden.  I'm sorry my news on the subject is so blunt, but I'm 51, I've learned from my own experience. I hope this helps a tad. Thank you for posting such an in depth account, it really helped a lot to understand the situation. I'm sure that you and your husband will do fine in therapy  because you are able to communicate your feelings so well.  Remember, he has a right to be pissed that you lied. You may have a right to be pissed that he gave up a perfectly good job making 5-8 grand a month, so that he could be a mama's boy. You guys have stuff to work on, but lying like you did is wrong in a marriage.

Hugs. Liz

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by 4slenderthread, Oct 13, 2012
Hi there Alaysha –
    Wow, that was one long post but it needed to be. You had a lot to say and considering everything you are going through, I can’t say I blame you. I am so-o truly sorry for what you are have to cope with. While I was married to my first husband, at least his family was very decent to me. After we divorced that changed. It’s been 26 years now and their son passed away a few years back. Since then he has become some kind of ‘saint’ to them! They never had much to do with him, or very nice things to say when he was alive, but now that he’s gone, they became ugly with me and even got between me and one of my daughters. She and I haven’t spoken in over 8 years now.
    You are tolerating so much, my heart goes out to you! It certainly doesn’t help that your husband appears to be taking sides with his family against you. The way they are all behaving is so ridiculously childish. I am truly amazed that you have been able to tolerate it all thus far! I don’t know what kind of advice I can truly give you. I think you just need to prepare yourself emotionally for anything and everything. I admire you for being willing to go to counseling with your mother-in-law. Chances are that isn’t going to happen and I am so sorry for that. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place with that entire family! It appears as though you’re husband is more concerned about losing them than losing you. That’s why it’s so incredibly important to get counseling for yourself. You need to keep your emotions stable, otherwise those people are going to twist you every which way.
    The only thing that truly matters now is your children. No matter what you do or say, I don’t believe it will ever be good enough for husband and his family. There will come a time when you know just how much you will be able to tolerate. It’s different for everyone. I send all my best wishes for you and your children! Feel free to write/message me if you need someone to listen. Just continue to take care of your little ones and be pleasant with your in-laws when circumstances throws you together. Otherwise I would stop going out of my way to try and please them … from everything you wrote, I don’t think they CAN be pleased. They don’t appear to even be willing to try. That’s why someone must take care of you … and right now that must be YOU! Take care Alaysha!  
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by alaysha, Oct 13, 2012
@ Rockrose- Its my first marriage, My oldest daughter is from a relationship when I was 19. I left before she turned one.

@Nighthawk61- its free counseling from the courts before we proceed with divorce. I never asked the teacher to lie for me, I just told her I was going to pretend she didn't say anything. My problem is with his sister asking and then starting drama between him and I. It was a little white lie because I wanted to see him and show him my pretty new nails and trust me when I say I have not gone back into that office since AND that I didn't think it would be such a big deal to begin with. Also what is missing in this story is that 2 weeks ago he told me he had to work late and would take the kids to a sitters because I was throwing a bridal shower. I come home and he leaves to go get cigarettes and I sat down on the couch with my 4 year old and asked if she had fun to which she replied that yes she had gone with his WHOLE family, including him to a place where they sat in a circle and said their names. When he got home I asked him to go outside and explain to me what he was talking about and he said that they went to family counseling to talk about him being late to work, not coming in to work and how they think I am toxic and taking advantage of him and that he needs to leave me.

Also, this began from the day I met his mom. I had gone on a date with my husband and left my car at the restaurant. He ended up getting a table at one of the nightclubs and we had friends come and join us. I didn't drink and thought it was unsafe for him to drive me back to my car. I was going to get a taxi and instead he told me just to take his car and to bring it back to the restaurant before I went to school and swap it for my car and that he'd pick his up in the afternoon. Then that morning as I'm getting ready to go and drop off the car before class he calls and says he needs the car back at the restaurant ASAP. Turns out that his mom co-signed on the car and she went to his house that morning and noticed it was gone and was demanding it be brought back right then. I said no problem because I didn't want him to get in trouble and when I pulled up to the restaurant his mom was already in the parking lot and when I got out of the car and walked over to give her the keys she said to me, "If you ever touch this car again I will call the cops." To which I was like, "Um... okay" Because I didn't want to get into an argument about her son told me to take it. I went and got into my own car and as I was backing out I saw that she was writing down my licence plate. A month later I found out I was pregnant. Since then it has been like this.
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by alaysha, Oct 13, 2012
Oh and when I post things on Facebook I post them for my friends. Its me venting to my friends. His family and relatives are not my friends on Facebook (his niece was once but after the wedding fiasco no more) and my profile is private so theoretically they shouldn't be able to see anything I write or do. But instead, she asks her son for his password and he gives it to her. I've told him not to because she starts drama and he continues to do it.
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by RockRose, Oct 13, 2012
So family DOES get to view your facebook - your husband has your password and for some reason he gives it to her.

I have a sister in law that posts negative family things on her wall,  and I am always amazed she does that.  REALLY?  She posts stuff like "Aren't 18 year old daughters lovely NOT",   "I'm really,  really disappointed and never imagined someone I trusted so much would turn out to be such a jerk" and then a friend posts is it P.C. we're talking about and she says of course. This woman is 50 years old and she acts like she's 12.  It has very much hurt her reputation within my husband's family.  If you need to vent to a friend send an email or pick up the phone - putting it out there publicly is just  . .. well,  drama.  

I certainly don't think you're all the blame,  alaysha,  but you and your husband's family have met and formed the perfect storm of a group of people who enjoy not getting along.  I don't think you're feeding this fire - I think it's feeding you.  I think this rivalry you have with his whole family is actually the fuel source for the energy that gets you through the day.

And that sounds like I'm blaming you for all this.  I'm not.  It's their fuel source too.  So meanwhile,  this is making havoc for your two beautiful daughters.  

What would it cost you emotionally to just rest it?  Completely rest it,  the way you don't carry around anger about swarming bees?