Fiance doesn't really want to get married?

[looking4answers123]

Okay.  I usually just use this site for looking up information but I’m in a situation and I would like some opinions from people who don’t know me so they will be unbiased.  My family and friends have offered up plenty on the situation but for some reason I think those not in my circle might have something useful to say.  I have seen how catty some of these can get so please remember that this is my first time so although I want honesty, please try to be kind :)

I had been with my boyfriend for a little over a year when whoops, I became pregnant.  Yes, I was using birth control so please don’t think we weren’t trying to be careful.  I’m right at 15 weeks now.  We had talked of marriage prior to the pregnancy so I was pretty sure we were heading in that direction anyway.  I do love him dearly and can’t imagine my life without him.  After he found out I was pregnant, he asked me to marry him. YEAH!  I didn’t get a ring which I was disappointed about but I guess I assumed it was forthcoming.  (He knows that I don’t want to have a child out of wedlock.)  We moved in together.  Things have been going great.  I keep asking when we are going to be married (we’re just going to the courthouse).  I just want to have a legitimate child.  I just need the papers, not an elaborate ceremony.  I keep asking him when we are going and he keeps saying soon but I’m starting to show and would rather have the few pictures that we take not look like I’m pregnant.  I know that may seem silly to some but it’s just how I feel.   He has been previously married and has a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old girl from a previous marriage.  Generally he gets along with the ex pretty well and I didn’t think that she had any issues with me.  So there’s the nuts and bolts of it all.  Now comes the issue.

His ex apparently told him that she doesn’t like me living with him.  She doesn’t like her kids seeing us sleep in the same bed together.  I can appreciate and respect this.  So when his kids are over I sleep in another room of the house.  I thought the problem was solved but she kept making comments about how she “didn’t want me to have anything to do with raising her kids since she didn’t know how long I would be in the picture.”  I was really hurt by her saying this so I thought I’d have a heart to heart with her since we are going to get married and I intend on being here for the long haul.  She basically told me that she didn’t take me seriously as a mother and doesn’t want her kids to get attached to me since she doesn’t know how long I’ll be around.  After speaking with her for a while she finally told me that my fiancé told her that he “wasn’t sure” if we were actually going to get married.  I was shocked.  If he actually said that no wonder she doesn’t want me around her kids.  I don’t blame her if this is really the case.  So after I spoke to her I asked him if he ever implied to her that we weren’t going to get married.  We have always communicated well so I was expecting him to deny it but he didn’t.  He told me that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me since he knew I didn’t want to have a “bastard” as a child and how he knew it was important to me for the child to be legitimate.  I am absolutely crushed.  So apparently him asking me to marry him was just to make me feel better about having our child and he really has no intentions of marrying me.  I guess that explains why I never got a ring.  I guess that explains why the wedding keeps getting postponed.  Of course he now realizes that what he did only made matters worse and he is very apologetic but it’s too late for an apology.  He should have never asked me to marry him if he didn’t mean it.  I am now thinking of moving out and giving the child up for adoption as I do not believe that a child should be brought up in an unstable home without two married parents.  I am so lost right now and this stress is not good for my pregnancy.  Any thoughts?

[RockRose]

I can't imagine giving you any advice beyond what is already in your head.   I think you are thinking very very clearly,  and good that you are considering all your options.  If you decide in the end not to go through with adoption,  that's always your choice too but you seem to have a completely firm grasp on this whole situation.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this pain.  And next time he says he knows you don't want a ******* for a child,  say no actually what I didn't want is a ******* for a boyfriend.

Best wishes.

[sammy73]

Wow!!!  What a truly difficult and upsetting situation for you to find yourself in!  My heart goes out to you.

First off, you strike me as a really decent, nice, considerate person.  To me the attitude of the ex-wife (her being unhappy about the kids seeing your with their father) would have bugged me, but you've been more than understanding and considerate about it, and gone out of your way to resolve it.  Not really relevant to your issue - just wanted to say that!

OK, you wanted honesty, so here is my opinion.  It is clear that this guy does not want to marry you.  It might be that he simply doesn't want to marry you yet, but if he's simply putting it off until your relationship has been going on a bit longer, and he knows you better, well he may then decide later that he doesn't.

However, I reckon he just doesn't want to marry you at all - my gut feeling from everything you've said.  He only proposed because you wanted him to, it sounds pretty half-hearted, and the lack of ring, and the prevarication over setting a date, he either had second thoughts about it pretty quickly or never really meant it in the first place.  If you really mean it, you either get a ring in advance, or (if you are too worried about not choosing the right thing) you go shopping for rings as soon as you are accepted.  Well, I'd have thought so anyway.

Even if the marriage did go ahead now, I would worry about whether it would really last.  Getting married for any reason other than because you want to spend the rest of your life with that person is not a great recipe for long-term success.  Even if that reason is a kid on the way, sooner or later it's going to break down because deep down he knows that it's not you he wants to be with, and that he's only married to you because of something that happened.  Some marriages that start off way more committed than this still end up breaking down because there's not enough love there to sustain them.  I really wouldn't want to head into a relationship that's supposed to last for ever with someone who doesn't share that committment, who doesn't really want to be there.

There's another possibility, that the failure of his first marriage has put him off the whole concept of marriage, that he's fearful that if he goes into another marriage that it will end the same way the last one did.  He might want to be with you, but not want to get married.  I don't fully "get" this way of thinking myself, it doesn't really make sense to me, but I do know several people in very long-term, committed relationships, probably ones that will last a lifetime, who don't want to get married.  Bad experiences, either of their own prior marriages or those of their parents, have made the whole concept of marriage seem to them like a curse to a relationship rather than a blessing.  However, given his apparent comments to his ex-wife, I don't think this is the case for your fiance - he's showing doubts not just about marrying you, but about whether this relationship is going to last that long.

I really respect your opinions about considering putting the child up for adoption.  It's not a very politically-correct attitude to have, but I agree that a child is best raised in a loving family with two parents.  Even considering adoption is a very selfless and loving thing to do, and if it comes to that I'm sure it will be very difficult to go through.

Good luck, this is a horrible thing for you to be going through, try to stay strong and think clearly about what's best for you and best for your baby.

[ania_2]

  After reading about your situation I was heart brokenat the end, not for the fact that some loser doesn't want to commit to you, but that you are considering on giving up a beautiful baby because the "sperm donor" ain't gonna be by your side. Who cares now a days if you are Married or not. That does not make a child a ******* child, and the child won't be ridiculed or shunned by society, I think you are hiding behind that reason, personally. Adults that choose to have Sex, know that hey, I could get pregnant. If you weren't ready for the responsibility of a child, you shouldn't of had sex in the first place. Now a days raising a child as a single mother you get soooo many benefits and assistance that finances aren't too much of an issue.
Once your child is born and you look into your baby's eyes could you really give up the most precious thing in the world because your road ahead may be difficult and not what you had planned. You need to do whats best for your child now, and put your childs needs first as a Mother in 25wks thats exactly what you will be a Mother.  No one wants to be a single Mother, but whose to say you won't meet Mr. perfect in a few years and you, your baby and Mr. perfect can be a happy family.
Noone or nothing can replace the love of a child. Especially a first born. don't do something you will regret. dumb the loser and look to your friends and family for some help until you are strong enough to stand on your own.
I wish you all the best luck for you and your baby.
god bless.

[SunnySideUp72]

I don't believe getting married primarily because you are pregnant is a good idea.  Well, atleast it wasn't for me.  When I was 19 I got pregnant after five months of dating.  We got married because it was "the right thing" to do.  The marriage lasted eight years.  I was sure that I married him because I loved him, but always wondered in the back of my mind if he ever would have married me if circumstances were different.  Life as a single mother isn't the easiest, but I wouldn't know what to do without my kids.  They are my world.  I know that I don't know you but I think that if you give up this child because the father won't marry you it will be something that you regret and will torment you for the rest of your life.  You will always wonder where the child is, if it's in a good home....just because a family has parents that are married doesn't mean that it is a loving stable environment.  You need to do what is right for you and your life just remember that a piece of paper that says you are married isn't going to make that childs life any better or you a better parent.

[RockRose]

SunnySideUp,  it's not the piece of paper that makes the difference.  It's the two people who are vowing to stay together for the rest of their lives that makes the difference,  and that's symbolized on the paper.

[SunnySideUp72]

I'm aware of this RockRose.  I said this because she is considering giving up the baby if they don't get married.  I think that a child can have a wonderful life even if the parents aren't married.  Ones ability to provide a loving stable home isn't dependant on the parents being married.  She said that relationship was great and they were living together.  Now that he isn't sure about getting married she is considering give the child up and moving out.  All I'm saying is that if the relationship is good then why rush the marriage just because of being pregnant.

[mami1323]

I just don't think the OP will be happy in that arrangement.  She seems set in her ways when it comes to how she views marriage and being in a relationship without it, I think she would eventually become discouraged and want to leave if she feels it is not moving in the direction she wanted it to go.  Even though I agree, a child can be loved by both parents without having marriage be an option.

[looking4answers123]

Thank you all for your kind words, support and thoughts on the issue.

No, I don't think we should get married, just because.  That is not a way to start a marriage.  I thought we were going to get married anyway (prior to the pregnancy).  I know he is the the one for me.  I have known this since early on in our relationship and we had discussed marriage many times before PRIOR to the pregnanacy.

It's not how society sees the baby, it's that I and my family will know that I will have an Illegitimate child outside of wedlock that will not be raised by a stable loving home.  I think I could raise him/her on my own, I just don't think it is fair to the child and I am trying to do what is right by them.

I knew someone would take a jab and say if I wasn't ready for a child, then I shouldn't have been naving sex and although this is true, it is not realistic and I think we all know that.  As I stated we were careful.  I am always using at least one kind of birth control (most of the time even two) plus I have Endometriosis and I'm not supposed to even be able to get pregnant but it still happened.  I promise that I am a responsible human being and I have never taken sex lightly.  I have never been involved with someone just for a fling, only if I knew I cared about the person and I thought it would be long term.

The marriage as Rock said, a symbol of our commitment to each other and to raising this child.  I understand that there are plenty of people capable of raising a child on their own and do a fine job but if you look at the majority of society, most kids come from broken homes and I simply do not feel that is right by the child.  I look around me everyday and see children acting horribly and parents who are completely oblivious to the fact that the reason that they are acting out is because of the way they are being raised.  I will not raise my child in a broken home.  It's not that I am not strong enough to do it.  It's that is not fair to the child.

The thought of giving up the child is not an easy one and not a decision I can easily make.  It pains me quite a bit but I refuse to let a child grow up without being given every opportunity (physical, financial, and most importantly emotional).  This whole situation quite frankly makes me sick to my stomach but it is something I have no choice but to deal with and hope I do what is right for the child.

Sam, you said some interesting things that I had not thought about.  He too takes marriage seriously and when we had discussed it before the pregnancy you could tell he still has some issues that the first one didn't work out.  Call them demons from the past if you will.  He has always said he wouldn't get married again until he was absolutely certain that the next person was "the one."  I guess I thought it was me since he was the first one to bring it up.  Yes, HE brought it up first.  I'm sure we'll talk more about this whole thing tonight I just don't know if I can get past it all.  How can I stay with someone if he doesn't see me in the same light that I see him.  Please don't get me wrong.  He he a great guy, an excellent father, and an excellent provider.  He was trying to do the right thing when he asked me to marry him.  He wanted to make me happy.  He had the best intensions, they were just executed without really thinking of the consequenses.  I'm sure we'll talk more tonight after he gets home from work.  I stayed home from work today because I just felt awful and couldn't stomach going in and people seeing how I feel written all over my face and asking a bunch of questions I didn't want to answer.  Kind of cowardly but I just couldn't do it.  I just wished he hadn't asked if he didn't want to do it.  Then maybe I would have known where I stood, I wouldn't have moved in with him.  I certainly wouldn't have sold all of my furniture and belongings to consolidate our households. Plus now I know his ex just thinks I'm some fly by night tramp who doesn't think I'll be around.  I hope their kids don't think that too. Ugh.  I hadn't really even thought about that until now.  That's probably a whole seperate forum.  What's worse is that she knew he didn't want to marry me and I didn't and I feel like a fool.  I have never been so embarassed as when she said that to me.  I was speechless.  And as I said he has apologized profusely for it but if you didn't want to marry me you should have told me, not your ex.  I should have heard it from you, not her.  I understand that they are still friends for the sake of the children and she probably inquired about my status so they could make some decisions about their children but you would think that would tell me before you told her.  Are any of you engaged because of a pregnancy and he keeps putting off the marriage?  Is there something I just haven't thought about to consider in this whole thing?

I am generally a very easy going and happy person.  I hate drama in my life.  I stay clear of it whenever possible.  I try to live it care and drama free but I am sure up to my neck in it now and this whold thing goes beyond my sense of reasoning.

Okay, I'm worn out for now.  This situation and this baby are taking it all out of me.

[RockRose]

Lookingforanswers,  you are a really profoundly wise woman.  Trust your instincts wherever they lead you.  

Best wishes.  

[momagain59]

"I am always using at least one kind of birth control (most of the time even two) plus I have Endometriosis and I'm not supposed to even be able to get pregnant but it still happened."

If you knew this would be your only baby, would you be o.k. with your decision about adoption? This is just something to think about.

I am all for adoption but I hate to see you make a choice that you may not be happy with later. Sometimes we are blessed when least expected. My niece gave birth to triplets last year. She also has endometriosis and was told that she only had a 15% chance of ever getting pregnant. These are miracle babies and I believe yours is also. I am so glad you are choosing to continue the pregnancy.

If this was a perfect world things would be different. Don't be so hard on yourself.    

[sammy73]

Good luck talking with your man tonight.  I really hope this situation works out OK for you.  Sometimes there are situations where none of the possible outcomes are really acceptable, you just have to go with whichever is least bad.

[treazzure007]

"It's not how society sees the baby, it's that I and my family will know that I will have an Illegitimate child outside of wedlock that will not be raised by a stable loving home."  
-go into any crowd right now and ask everyone that was raised the 1st 18 yrs of their lives with 2 parents to remain.  you would get rid of half the crowd
-ask for the ones that have been raised for the 1st 18 yrs by their biological mother AND biological father to please remain.  that would leave you with some people
-finally ask if the remaining people will take dna tests to verify and you'd be left with a few people

know that single parent households and stepparent households are very, very normal.  don't give up your baby for adoption.  would you even know that the adoptive parents were going to be together next year?  i had my son at 19, out of wedlock, dumped his dad (who wasn't ready to grow up) gracefully, and met a real dream later on.  he's a wonderful husband and loving father to the entire family.  just be more precise w/ your planning from here on out.  that baby is a blessing and not thinking that you're adequate enough to take care for and raise that child b/c you're not married right now is ridiculous

[Agiesmom]

I agree with your perspective, looking4answers--that it would be best to raise a child in a home that is stable with completely committed parents.  That said, I was wondering what momagain asked you--if you would be ok if, down the road, you realized you were never going to have another child.

Also, if you decide giving the child up for adoption is best, you don't really know if those parents will be wonderful or even together next year (like someone else mentioned).

And, finally, will HE sign the papers to give the baby up for adoption if you decide this is indeed what you want to do?

The alternative is sharing your child with him for the rest of your life--weekends with him and his new live-in (and possibly pregnant) girlfriend, shared holidays, awkward milestone events (baptism, birthdays, wedding, etc.).  I can see where the thoughts of that would be extremely unappealing.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

p.s. to ania:  while the word "*******" isn't a pretty word since it is often used in a negative way in anger, the true definition is simply "a child born out of wedlock".

[BearHitch]

First and foremost, ditch this loser.  A "man" who tells his ex that he isn't sure he is marrying you after he has proposed but fails to mention this to you is not worth keeping around.  There are more reasons than that to just follow your gut and leave but seriously - you want a man, not a boy and this guy is still in the boy-phase of his life.  

Second, I admire your thoughts on adoption.  If you are not ready to take on the responsiblity of raising a child (which it is alot of work and investment) then adoption is the loving choice.  It is the most difficult decision to make for you, but that is why it is called a sacrifice.  If it was easy, more people would do it.  You are not less of a person by doing this.  

Third, when you are thinking about these decisions do not base them on what people, family or not, will think of you.  You need to decide what is best for you and this baby, and while everyone around you will have an opinion and advice and that, you need to search YOUR heart and decide what is best, because no one else can tell you what that is.  Good luck.

[looking4answers123]

Well, we talked again.  He doesn't want me to give the child up for adoption.  He wants to be with me to raise him/her or so he says.  I'm so irritated right now.  I asked how can I believe that he wants to be with me if he tod his ex that he's "not sure".  He then said that he was 90% sure he wanted to get married but just not totally sure.  As far as I'm concerned that's like being 90% commited to quit smoking.  If you still have an occasional cigarette, you are still smoking.  That's probably a bad comparison but it's all I can think of.  It's very simple.  You either want to be with me, get married, and have a family or you don't.  How are we supposed to raise a child together if you aren't sure you want to be with me?  How am I supposed to wake up and spend each day with you wondering if you are going to be gone by the end of the day because the other 10% got the better of you?

[kjbandme]

yikes, this is eerily familiar.

read my posts "He said WHAT?" and there's an earlier one too.  My situation is not the same but similarly twisted by the father's wavering, insecurities and lack of emotional maturity.

I hear you about the 10%  I think those things every day... the thing is, what I'm finding is that pregnancy makes you so vulnerable... I've been a very independent person all my life and now I feel like I really need someone to be committed, that I can truly count on.  

but i'm also such a proud person that I don't want anyone around who isn't crazy about me and committed to me.

what do we do???

[teko]

Marriage is over rated anyway, and getting in the middle of someone elses baggage really *****.  Cut your losses and concentrate on you. Leave them to their own mess and move on.  Better for you if you do.  Good luck.

[looking4answers123]

I hear what you are saying and totaly understand what you mean.  Baggage is not easy to deal with but I do truly love him and his children and am willing to sacrifice some things to make the baggage work so to speak.  I have been doing this for over a year and he has on more than one occasion thanked me for being gracious and understanding to him, his children, and his situation.  I disagree however that "marriage is over rated."  The problem I think with people today is that they don't take marriage seriously enough.  It is supposed to be a life long commitment.  No one said it would be easy.  I've heard plenty of people that get married that say, "Well, if it doesn't work out we can just get divorced."  If anyone goes into it with that mindframe they of course will fail at their marriage.  I think they make it too easy to get divorced.  Don't get me wrong, there are many people who should get divorced and they should be able to make that decision if they so choose but I don't think a lot of people understand what a marriage should be.

[looking4answers123]

Have things gotten any better for you?

[kjbandme]

I just posted on my threads... thanks for asking, no marriage talk here.  How do I even handle someone's behavior changing so drastically.

He said "I don't feel the same about you now"  after I didn't show up to an abortion appt.  

wtf??

[Baba123]

...I am a father of two and I feel so sorry for you...that you have to put up with this silly man. You sound like an angel to me...so here is my idea....move out without much discussing with him.....and take care of yourself....have a baby and than see what will be next....let him sweat some and than little more....and if he comes back crawling...reconsider but on your terms...if he does not ...it was ment NOT to be.
Take care,Good wishes.

[looking4answers123]

Well.  I have good news.  I believe that my man has redeemed himself.  We are now officially engaged.  I got a beautiful 2K ring on Thanksgiving day.  He proposed in front of his entire family (yes the ex was even there so she heard the proposal and knows it's for real).  He explained that he was "just scared" and that he loved me with all his heart and he was sorry for what he put me through.  He begged forgivness for being such "an fool" and knows he want's to spend the rest of his life with me and raise our child and be a family.  

I guess it was just cold feet and he just needed some time.  Sammy73 I guess you get the gold star for being right about him just being scared off from his first marriage.  The ring is nice but I think the most redeeming factor was that he did it in front of everyone.  We're going to get married on New Year's Eve.

Thanks again for eveyone's advise and well wishes.  I really do appreciate everything.    

[sammy73]

Congratulations!  That's fantastic news, I'm so happy for you!

[Muslima]

hi, i read ur situation i cant help u cuz the whole sex thing is wrong before marriage, i got married then i had a beautiful baby and now im pregnant i had never feel unsafe, cuz marriage keeps the women rights saved. if a man decided to divorce her he should pay her amount of money that they agree upon it before marriage ( mine is 50 thousand dollars) he also could not divorce her till she deliver the baby and if she is not prego she should stay at his home for about 3 month to be 100 percent sure not prego..above this he should make monthly payments for the kids who should stay with their mom...i just advice you to read about islam and beleive me you will live happy you will have no difficult probs like this im sorry for you ladies but a man should know ur value stop selling ur self in this way respect urself, respect ur bodies and most of all love ur future children they should not be bustards they should be in a real family to gain love and give it back to our community.
thank you  

[mami1323]

Muslima, you are completely out of line.  How dare you call children out of marriage bastards.  Do not preach religion on this forum.  People live the way they want to live and love how they want to love.  You have no rights to judge.