Aa
Fiance mess...
Hello,
Thank you for reading. I wish I would have came here a long time ago early on into this relationship, but unfortunately I don't own a time machine so here it goes. The girl I'm currently with I started dating in the summer of 2013. After our first date I told her that I wasn't really interested, but 5 minutes after I left she called me crying and upset that I rejected her so I felt bad. I gave it a second go and after we started to do things I felt like I was obligated to stay with her. She moved to my area for graduate school and I let her stay at my house way before I was ready, and her semester was really rough and I knew if I broke up with her she would probably fail her classes as she had already proven herself to be an overly emotional person. Last winter she completely lost it when graduate school got to her. I had to take her to class and wait for her multiple times because she was just so emotionally frustrated. At one point in this period I almost had to have her admitted because she was having suicidal thoughts. Since then she has been up and down emotionally, but has found a different medicine that helps a bit.
I've really tried to make this work, and have to this point considered it unfair to leave her because I feel like I would just be leaving her on the basis of her OCD and clinical depression. I thought it was just me and I thought maybe if we were engaged she would be happier and more emotionally stable, so I proposed to her a couple months ago. While she is happy with the engagement, I can't say she is more happier in general. I am marginally happy when we are together, but I'm honestly more happy when I'm with friends or even alone a lot of the time. I don't get excited when I see her (I really never have). While she has become more positive since we've been together, she still often thinks that everybody hates her, and is insanely sensitive. I honestly can't even ask her to do something simple like "Would you mind using hot water?"(as an example) when washing the dishes without her getting offended and starting a 10 minute OCD coversation about "you don't meant that I don't know anything right?". I know if I left her she would be an emotional mess even more than she is now, and I would fear for her safety. I know I help her to keep control and keep her more level in her thought process, but I'm not happy in this relationship if I'm truly honest with myself. But what can I do? She lives with me, and I'm engaged to her? I also feel bad because I know her family life was terrible. Her mother was abusive, and her dad had no backbone and now deals with severe anxiety and OCD too. I feel really bad for her, but I really don't want to waste my life just because I feel bad for her. She really is a good person, she tries to help others and is in constant search of approval from others. I feel like I would be a terrible person for breaking up, and asking her to leave my house.
Thanks,
Bryant
Thank you for reading. I wish I would have came here a long time ago early on into this relationship, but unfortunately I don't own a time machine so here it goes. The girl I'm currently with I started dating in the summer of 2013. After our first date I told her that I wasn't really interested, but 5 minutes after I left she called me crying and upset that I rejected her so I felt bad. I gave it a second go and after we started to do things I felt like I was obligated to stay with her. She moved to my area for graduate school and I let her stay at my house way before I was ready, and her semester was really rough and I knew if I broke up with her she would probably fail her classes as she had already proven herself to be an overly emotional person. Last winter she completely lost it when graduate school got to her. I had to take her to class and wait for her multiple times because she was just so emotionally frustrated. At one point in this period I almost had to have her admitted because she was having suicidal thoughts. Since then she has been up and down emotionally, but has found a different medicine that helps a bit.
I've really tried to make this work, and have to this point considered it unfair to leave her because I feel like I would just be leaving her on the basis of her OCD and clinical depression. I thought it was just me and I thought maybe if we were engaged she would be happier and more emotionally stable, so I proposed to her a couple months ago. While she is happy with the engagement, I can't say she is more happier in general. I am marginally happy when we are together, but I'm honestly more happy when I'm with friends or even alone a lot of the time. I don't get excited when I see her (I really never have). While she has become more positive since we've been together, she still often thinks that everybody hates her, and is insanely sensitive. I honestly can't even ask her to do something simple like "Would you mind using hot water?"(as an example) when washing the dishes without her getting offended and starting a 10 minute OCD coversation about "you don't meant that I don't know anything right?". I know if I left her she would be an emotional mess even more than she is now, and I would fear for her safety. I know I help her to keep control and keep her more level in her thought process, but I'm not happy in this relationship if I'm truly honest with myself. But what can I do? She lives with me, and I'm engaged to her? I also feel bad because I know her family life was terrible. Her mother was abusive, and her dad had no backbone and now deals with severe anxiety and OCD too. I feel really bad for her, but I really don't want to waste my life just because I feel bad for her. She really is a good person, she tries to help others and is in constant search of approval from others. I feel like I would be a terrible person for breaking up, and asking her to leave my house.
Thanks,
Bryant
Hi also. True love to me is giving up what we want for another so in a sense it would appear that you do love her. Letting go of self for another person is not an easy process. Life is not all about us as if this were so, we would be the only person on earth and we are not.
Being kind but firm with someone who is this close to being unstable will be hard. I do suggest talking to a counselor about the best way to do it.
Hello. Thank you for the advice. I'm still thinking about yours and Annie's, but did want to clarify something. She is a very nice person, so I don't want you to think I'm portraying her as an evil witch or anything. She just goes way out of her way to be nice to people, and she gets upset when they don't do the same. Which is extremely rare, and she doesn't handle it well emotionally when they don't. She takes everything personal. She is working in a lab right now, but I'm afraid she'll lose it too much emotionally to still work there, and her family lives an hour away... I'll be thinking about everything long and hard over the next month though, and if I determine that it's a necessary move (which I think is likely at this point, regardless of how bad I think it will make both of us feel), I'll do my best to do it in a way that will leave her as stable as possible. Kind, but firm if at all possible. Thanks again
I agree totally with Annie about stopping sex. I must say I was relieved and even surprised to read to the end of the post and not read that she is now pregnant.
But I'm not sure I agree this is a rescuing fantasy. Men who do that are really super engaged in fixing a woman, and pursue them with great vigor and make a real project out of them.
You just kind of have never offered any resistance to her whatsoever when she insisted on being in your life, and you've tried when needed to keep her head from going under.
Frankly, she would drive me crazy being around her, being in constant search for approval.
You owe he nothing, IMHO. In the future, don't just go along with a woman because she insists on being with you even though you don't really want her.
You aren't responsible for her.
I'm not sure I'd say any of this to her before she gets her job back - because it would be 10X harder to break up with this woman if she were jobless.
I don't know what your financial situation is, or whose house you live in, but if you're living in an apartment with a lease and you can afford to get another small apartment for yourself while paying your share on this one, until the lease is up that would be the easiest way to ease out.
Best wishes. I don't know why reading your post made me dislike her so much.
But I'm not sure I agree this is a rescuing fantasy. Men who do that are really super engaged in fixing a woman, and pursue them with great vigor and make a real project out of them.
You just kind of have never offered any resistance to her whatsoever when she insisted on being in your life, and you've tried when needed to keep her head from going under.
Frankly, she would drive me crazy being around her, being in constant search for approval.
You owe he nothing, IMHO. In the future, don't just go along with a woman because she insists on being with you even though you don't really want her.
You aren't responsible for her.
I'm not sure I'd say any of this to her before she gets her job back - because it would be 10X harder to break up with this woman if she were jobless.
I don't know what your financial situation is, or whose house you live in, but if you're living in an apartment with a lease and you can afford to get another small apartment for yourself while paying your share on this one, until the lease is up that would be the easiest way to ease out.
Best wishes. I don't know why reading your post made me dislike her so much.
I'd do a couple of things.
First, don't have sex. The chances are, she will get pregnant, and what a mess you would be in, if so. I don't even mean don't have unprotected sex, I mean don't have sex at all.
Second, realize you can't rescue her, no matter how good your intentions are. I'm sorry, but you've done a lot and she is not rescued. Yes, she will probably backslide if you end things with her, but you aren't going to marry her, so you might as well call a spade a spade.
Third, be SURE she gets back into therapy. Even if you have to drive her there yourself. And while on the topic, get into some therapy yourself, to see why you went so far with this rescue try. Most people would realize they can't fix someone else who is this damaged, and would have pulled back. (Rescue fantasies are problematic for guys, for one thing it means the guy keeps getting attracted to women with problems, and that is not a recipe for long-term happiness.)
Fourth, begin to figure out a way (maybe with the help of your counselor) to disengage and get her out of your house.
First, don't have sex. The chances are, she will get pregnant, and what a mess you would be in, if so. I don't even mean don't have unprotected sex, I mean don't have sex at all.
Second, realize you can't rescue her, no matter how good your intentions are. I'm sorry, but you've done a lot and she is not rescued. Yes, she will probably backslide if you end things with her, but you aren't going to marry her, so you might as well call a spade a spade.
Third, be SURE she gets back into therapy. Even if you have to drive her there yourself. And while on the topic, get into some therapy yourself, to see why you went so far with this rescue try. Most people would realize they can't fix someone else who is this damaged, and would have pulled back. (Rescue fantasies are problematic for guys, for one thing it means the guy keeps getting attracted to women with problems, and that is not a recipe for long-term happiness.)
Fourth, begin to figure out a way (maybe with the help of your counselor) to disengage and get her out of your house.
She dropped out after that semester. She is currently working in a lab. No she's not... she was for awhile and stopped going. I've asked her several times to start again and she never has. She "says" she'll call this Monday so we'll see.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
