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Getting married too soon?
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Getting married too soon?

As of today, I've been with my boyfriend for about one month and 3 1/2 weeks. I have a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship. For a long time, I blocked myself out from the possibly of future relationships. I didn't want to go through the pain again as I was in a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship for almost four years. However, despite the fact that I was completely terrified of committing again. I gave my now boyfriend a chance. He showed me his heart and in returned mended mind. He adores both my daughter and I. He treats my daughter with respect and always have us in mind. He is very thoughtful and is a great listener. We quickly fell in love with each other as we are so in tune to each other. We compliment each other really well. Everything feels so natural. It feels right. We both want to be together for as long as we possibly can. We have recently talked about getting married. Both of us want it. I have no doubt that I want to marry this man. My family are supportive and happy for me if I chose too. Do you think we are moving to fast? Should we re-analyze things? We talk all the time and both we both know how we feel. I'm ready to marry him and be with him until the very end. Is this enough to agree to a marriage? Any advice?
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1152782_tn?1366311480
I met my husband and knew he was different within the first week.  I knew I wanted to marry him in the first month or two, and he proposed about 3 months into it.  We were married 6 months after we met and have been happy ever since.

....Of course we've only been together for about 2 years.  So it's hard to say what the future holds.  The crazy happy in love went away shortly after we moved in and had to deal with the differences full time.  That was hard.  We made it through the getting used to living together and it's been mostly bliss ever since.  

I have been in abusive relationships. I have been divorced and I have hated men.  I think that if you've been through that stuff, and you love yourself, it's easier to see if someone is sincere.  I don't have children. And I would be a lot more cautious about dating and especially marrying if I did. So that worries me a bit. I think it's safer to date before the child meets the man. ANd then if you see a future, bring the child slowly into the mix.  But since she's already been introduced and they've obviously spent a lot of time together, maybe it's alright.

Bottom line.  Only you can know what is right for you and you're daughter.  Only you can know what is in your heart and what you are chosing to ignore about the man.  You have to make the decision, and I just hope you do what's best for your daughter before you do what's best for you.
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Avatar_f_tn
You've been here less than 2 months.  Please, give this more time:

When love erupts it's like a madness, but that madness is temporary, it ALWAYS subsides.  You need to take the time for the "madness" to subside because THAT is what love is.  It's NOT breathlessness, it's NOT excitement, it's NOT the promise of eternal passion.  That's being "IN" love.  Love is what's left over after being "in love" has burned away.  Every relationship has eventual stresses and strains and we need to take the time to know if the relationship can take stresses and strains.  Most of us marry  before we have seen if the relationship can sustain the stresses after the "in love" has burned off.
Been there, done that.
Good Luck.
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1035252_tn?1371343440
I agree that you should give it more time. You could always get engaged now and plan to get married this time next year. Especially with your little girl, you need to be moving slow and making each decision carefully. There is absolutely no need to rush. If you're planning to spend the REST of your LIVES together, what's another year?

Good luck with whatever you choose :-). My husband and I got engaged after 2 wks together, but didn't get married for another 4 1/2 years. We've been together nearly 8 years now, and recently celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary, but we didn't want to rush into marriage, and I'm glad we decided to take it slowly.
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Avatar_f_tn
Definitely give it more time.  My husband and I got engaged after dating for three weeks but it was still another 23 months before we got married. I learned alot about him in that time and am glad we waited. We both had things we needed to work through before  marriage.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I must agree with these fine ladies.  If it were just you, I'd say do as you please.  But you have a 3 year old.  If you were to be making a mistake (as a lot of times-----------not always---------- quick, intense love relationships will fizzle out . . . and I think people start to show their 'true' colors over time, hence much needing to be learned as more time is spent together)-----------  you just can't do that to her.  Don't live with him either.  I think you can feel all the love you do without making a permanent arrangement until more time is under the relationship's belt.  In a year maybe.  There really is NO rush if you are talking about someone you want to spend your life with.  So take your time and let it tell you if there is anything else you need to know about him.  Oh, and my final thought is that I hope you've done a little therapy after the abusive relationship.  Often if one does not look at how we got into that and picked that person, life has a sneaky way of having us repeat old patterns.  It happens all the time.  So make sure you've done some soul searching about mistakes you made picking the abusive guy so as to never repeat that again.  Glad you've found someone you feel is a keeper and I hope it works out for you.  good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
Not even 2 months of knowing each other????  That isnt enough time to get to know each other..... give it time!  If it's true love, it will endure the test of time.  
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13167_tn?1327197724
I'm going to be blunt,  and negative.

Very very few men who are a true "catch" move this fast with a woman who already has a child.  When men size up who they want as their partner,  having a child already goes in the "minus" column,  and it's a serious minus,  for men who are very desirable husband material.

Of course,  some men who are desirable do marry women who already have a child,  and it works out.

But the fact that he's moving quickly,  and he "adores" both of you and has both of you in mind,  see that as a HUGE flashing warning beacon and take your time and walk in here with your eyes wide, wide open.

Have you met his extended family and do you like his friends?
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303824_tn?1294875001
I have to disagree with the other ladies..to a certain extent. When I met my current husband, we were only together for 6 weeks when he proposed and 5 months when we married. When you know, you just know! My son was almost 2 when we met. He was so awesome with my son (and still is). I had pre-cautions and felt that he was just telling me he loved me to "get in my pants." I held out just to see, and when I felt he was true to his word, that was when we finally made love for the first time. I had reservations and a lot of them because I had dated some real jerks right before I met him. He got my wall down, I let him in, and now we've been married for over 7 years. It hasn't been perfect by any means, but he is a wonderful husband and father and I'm happy with my choice. It definitely could have been a lot worse, so my advice to you is to use good judgement, go with your gut instinct and see where it leads. If now isn't the time, then DON'T do it. There isn't a time limit to get married, so if you feel the need to wait, go with your gut. It is almost always right! I wish the best for you!
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Avatar_f_tn
Whoa, less than 2 months and you are planning to get married?? You are still in the "honey moon" stage of your relationship where everything seems wonderful and are on cloud 9. If you are truly meant to be, then you will still want to get married after being together for a year. I would give your relationship more time and just wait. Keep dating each other and make sure that he is the right one for you. Marriage is a serious commitment that should not be taken lightly. You need to be careful of anyone you bring into your child's life, so try to take it slow in this relationship. There is no rush to get married. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, I love him dearly and have wanted to marry him since the first couple months into our relationship back in the 'honey moon' period. Since then I have gotten to know him a LOT better, and we've worked on our relationship 'trouble' spots so that our relationship is stronger. I would be wary of a man who wants to get married so soon, as that would be a "red flag" to me.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree...way too soon.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think that's what I failed to see. Thank you for reminding me that my daughter is part of this  decision no matter what. And your right, our relationship is very intense, but as I read from everyone's advice... I guess the first few months of a relationship would be like that. I never truly experienced something so intense, so waiting would be a great idea. Thanks again.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your comment. But do you if we seriously talked about it and laid everything out on the table I should still consider waiting?
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Avatar_f_tn
Its sounds out of the normal for a man to quickly fall in love with another woman's child. I know. But I've raised my child on my own since I gave birth to her. I knew that if I expose her to him I'm setting her and myself up to get hurt, but I wanted to see how he treats my daughter. He was very attentive to her. At first I thought he was just doing that to earn some points with me. But then I meet his family. His entire family. I had a chance to sit down with his mom and sister, who were very honest and blunt to me of how he is. Of course, they wouldn't know exactly how he treats a women and her child, but they gave me a glimpse of who he is. The guy really just loves kids. He babysits his nephews on weekends. It sounded odd at first until I saw it with my own eyes. Can I trust that he's 1 out a million man who actually loves children and is willing to marry a woman who already has a child? Or should I continue to observe and wait?
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Avatar_f_tn
At the end of the day, I think that's important. If you trust yourself and you trust that he'll be there for you and your child then by all means do it. I guess its typical for people to wait a year before marrying. But I'm curious to know since you've experienced it. How did you decide to marry him considering you already have a baby?
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1035252_tn?1371343440
Asking if you should continue to observe him w/ your daughter and wait: YES!!!!!

you can NEVER be too cautious adding new people to your daughter's life. what if something happens 6 months from now that you miss because you felt comfortable enough to let your guard down? after a while, its OK to begin to trust him with her, but I personally wouldn't relax my vigilance for a longer time....at least until she is old enough to understand what people can and can/should-not do with or to her.

yes, he may simply love children and your life will turn out beautifully with him. your odds are good. but could you live with yourself if you DID miss some warning sign?

when in doubt, wait it out. with the rest of you and your daughter's lives ahead, a bit of caution and patience is a small price to pay for peace of mind.
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1035252_tn?1371343440
Just wanted to add: I even screen new FRIENDS in my life before letting them meet my kids. it takes awhile of knowing them before I let them meet my kids and I can tell you that this method has stood me in good stead by letting me weed out the ones I wouldn't end up trusting completely before they interact with my little ones. if i were picking a husband, my "qualification and waiting phase", if you will, would be even longer and more extensive. my kids deserve no less! food for thought :-)
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you very much! You are very right! My daughter is irreplaceable, waiting and testing it out for my daughter's sake is more important than letting my guard down. Thank you. I needed to hear that.
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1035252_tn?1371343440
Bless you, you're a wonderful mother and I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope this is the man to make you a wonderful husband and your daughter a wonderful stepfather, but I am so very happy that you're going to take it slow and cautiously. Always better safe than sorry....best of luck! :-)
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303824_tn?1294875001
To answer your question...I just let him in. It was risky, but he had earned my trust and I let my guard down just to see where it would go. For once, it ended up being worth it. He not only earned my trust, but the trust of my family and friends, which was a big deal to me. All of them were very protective of me and my son because of the jerks that treated me so bad before him. One night I had gotten REALLY sick with food poisoning so you can imagine all the nasty stuff that comes with that. He was there cleaning up after me, and took care of me and my son until I got better. It was then that I realized I had a keeper!
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973741_tn?1342346373
imanaddict, I'm so glad you found someone like that to be with you and love you and your son.  There are no absolutes to love and relationships.

I wonder if the poster asking the question here means she has some doubts in her heart that you didn't have.  I don't know.  

But it is always nice to hear a great love story.  :))
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303824_tn?1294875001
Did I read her question wrong? I had plenty of doubts at first and I thought I was explaining those doubts in my answer. Maybe I wasn't thorough enough..
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh no.  I was just saying that I liked your story and am glad you are happy.  Sincerely.  That there are no absolutes and time tables that people have to adhere to in order to find happiness. That's all.  Yes, I did read your doubts but got swept away I guess and didn't refer to them in my comment to you.  I was more just saying that I'm happy for ya.
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303824_tn?1294875001
Aww, thank you! Sometimes it's hard to get a point across over the internet..LOL! You already know that my husband and I have our ups and downs, but that is completely normal in  a marriage.  I have questioned myself on marrying him so soon when things have been bad, but overall, he's a great guy, a great husband and father. He likes to spoil me and wants nothing more than to make me happy. It hurts his feelings when I have expressed that to him. I really only question it when I'm fuming mad. Any other time, it's a no brainer =)
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Avatar_f_tn
"But do you if we seriously talked about it and laid everything out on the table I should still consider waiting? " Yes, I would still advise you to wait. Every single new relationship is exciting and you feel this intense feelings for the one you are with, but if you wait a while then the butterflys wear off a little and you get to truly know who exactly you are dating. I would never advise anyone to jump into marriage with someone in under a year, just to be on the safe side, especially if children are involved. You can only get to know someone over time as you get to know their habits and how they interact with people. In the beginning phases of dating, people try to be on their best behavior, so you only get to see the good side of them. As you date longer, you get to see the whole person of who they are. A friend of mine got married to a man she "loved" after only knowing him for 5 months. They got divorced a year later after she found out he was living a double life with another woman on the side and a gambling addiction. He hid these things well from her and she would have found out about these things if she waited to marry him instead of just jumping into it so soon. Take your time and get to know the guy. Then after at least 6 months, then seriously talk about marriage and see where you stand. It's been over a year for my relationship and I still love him the same and want to marry him. If the feelings are true, you won't change your mind.
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh mercy me have you read any of these here posts. Not quite two months of knowing someone, anyone, does not prepare you for a lifelong committment. You still do not know each other at all. Slo down girl! What is the freaking hurry here? No thinking needed, yes it is way way way too soon! Have you had your hormones checked lately? Never make decisions based totally, solely on how you feel? Try to put some old fashiond thinking and common sense into the mix as well. Do you have the same goals, how to get there, same parenting skills, on the same page with how many children ya want, who is working, who is watching the kids, will it take two paychecks to make things work, do you have credit equal with each other, how you think about things, how to fight about things without destroying all the good. Girl! This stuff is serious and takes time! And it is time well spent! Slow down
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1035252_tn?1371343440
I think the OP HAS decided to wait and take her time....you can see in her last post that she says her daughter's safety is worth waiting and being cautious for...just to let everyone know who might've missed it :-).

imanaddict: I think your story is great, and it's very romantic! Unfortunately stories like yours are the minority and I will always urge caution when kids are involved...like specialmom, I am very happy for you and that everything has worked out so well! All relationships DO have their ups and downs, you're right :-).
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303824_tn?1294875001
Thanks Ashelen, you are right, my story is definitely rare and I was lucky it worked out. There are a few other people in my family that were together for an even shorter amount of time and are still married years and years later, so it's not a lost cause necessarily, but the odds aren't always in our favor. My brother and sister in law knew each other only 2 weeks when tied the knot. 28 years later and still happy. My aunt and  uncle were together for 2 months and have been married over 40 years. It's crazy, but sweet! I suppose it all depends on how well you can get to know someone in a short period of time, and whether or not they are genuine with their words/feelings. We can be easily manipulated when we are in that honeymoon phase. Regardless of what the OP does, I hope it all works out for her!
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1035252_tn?1371343440
I also think you have a whole hell of a lot of sense and not everyone does, so you were very good at figuring out exactly what you were getting yourself into, lol. That's pretty cool that your family has a history like that...I guess it says a lot about how upfront and forthright you all can be in relationships and that's a pretty amazing thing to be. :-)
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Avatar_f_tn
Your story is definitely an inspiration. Nothing in life is a guarantee. I think we all know that. We must first know ourselves, understand our surroundings, and weigh our options. My daughter is my world and she always will be. I'm sure that's how you feel for your son even before your husband got in the picture. The decision you made was indeed risky, but I know you didn't make it selfishly. He treated your son like his own and committed to the both of you.

Others may find things like this crazy simply because most people get married after a year or more of dating. So its normal to see something like this and think it's completely nuts.

But once you've experienced something like this then you know. And I'm sure you know what I mean.

To be clear, I don't have any doubts. I'm certain, however, it is something out of the ordinary that's why I wanted to hear other's opinion.

My parents married 2 weeks after meeting, but that was from another time. I wanted to weigh all of my options first and then make a decision.

Thank you for all of your help even if its via online. Again, your story is an inspiration plus it gives woman hope especially those who have children and have been through a rough time.

May God continue to bless you and your family :)

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1152782_tn?1366311480
I met my husband and knew he was different within the first week.  I knew I wanted to marry him in the first month or two, and he proposed about 3 months into it.  We were married 6 months after we met and have been happy ever since.

....Of course we've only been together for about 2 years.  So it's hard to say what the future holds.  The crazy happy in love went away shortly after we moved in and had to deal with the differences full time.  That was hard.  We made it through the getting used to living together and it's been mostly bliss ever since.  

I have been in abusive relationships. I have been divorced and I have hated men.  I think that if you've been through that stuff, and you love yourself, it's easier to see if someone is sincere.  I don't have children. And I would be a lot more cautious about dating and especially marrying if I did. So that worries me a bit. I think it's safer to date before the child meets the man. ANd then if you see a future, bring the child slowly into the mix.  But since she's already been introduced and they've obviously spent a lot of time together, maybe it's alright.

Bottom line.  Only you can know what is right for you and you're daughter.  Only you can know what is in your heart and what you are chosing to ignore about the man.  You have to make the decision, and I just hope you do what's best for your daughter before you do what's best for you.
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4812049_tn?1359489937
i have knowen my bf for 3 years, we were just friends (untill recently) he talked almost daily for the whole 3 years we had never met until end of january this year (2013) we love eachother and have always cared for eachother we get along great, love spending time together and we are taking things slow, but still talk about getting married and have more kids (i have a 2yr old from a previous relationship, and he has a 3yr old from a previous) we talk about what we think would b to soon or how slow to take it, and its hard to figure out since we have been friends for so long, but just recently meeting in person and all my failed relationships have me holding back a little more then normal, but i really care for him and want to take it slow cuz i dont want this relationship to get messed up like my others and he feels the same, but we still talk about marrige, how long to wait before asking, how long to be engaged(we both dont want a long engament but also dont wanna rush to quickly) and we even talk aobut how big of a wedding to have....
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Avatar_f_tn
I actually started saying my now husband in August of 2011, I had a 2&3 year old daughters. I was hesitant but knew he was diff so I let him meet the girls after 2 weeks. He has treated them as his own,a better father then their own. On Halloween he asked me to marry him and we were wed on November of 11. It was extremely quick and almost unheard of but we couldn't be happier. We have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing. We both had previous marriages and knew what we wanted, yeah we were only 24 at the time we met but we just knew it was right. Now we have our own little girl that is 7 weeks and we couldn't be happier. So I personally don't believe there is a certain amount if time it takes, when you know what you want and have experienced what you don't want.
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973741_tn?1342346373
You've tagged onto an old post.

I think marriages can work that start and progress quickly.  However, taking the time to build a foundation is really important for most couples.  Skipping that step can lead to things crumbling easier if there are problems in the future.  

Doesn't mean it will work out that way but it is a risk factor for divorce down the road.  good luck
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4812049_tn?1359489937
thank you that helps alot, i know my firend will b happy when we do but i dont think my family will understand since it was recent that we met in person, im 23 and he 24, neither of us have been married but we do know what we want, we are just afraid to rush it as much as we want it, he live a half hour from me, and is talking about finding a place and a job were i live to be closer and doing the whole sleep over thing, since we have just been doing the hang out go on dates but think it would b good to try and be a bit more personal without bringing sex into it just yet, we both have made alot of mistakes and are trying to do things different with our relationship cuz we both feel like we will actually last bc of how good we are when we are together. we cant go a day without talking and if we do, it makes up both sad and kinda crabby. i know relationship can take time, but the 3 yrs of talking and being friends before this we feel have set us ahead. he has met my 2yr old daughter and he gets along great with her and she likes him, and im meeting his son and family on his 3rd birthday. he asked me what i thought would be the appropiate amount of time to wait before asking to marry i figured a least a couple months, but idk still feels like sooner then that would be fine to.
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