Aa
Getting married too soon?
As of today, I've been with my boyfriend for about one month and 3 1/2 weeks. I have a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship. For a long time, I blocked myself out from the possibly of future relationships. I didn't want to go through the pain again as I was in a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship for almost four years. However, despite the fact that I was completely terrified of committing again. I gave my now boyfriend a chance. He showed me his heart and in returned mended mind. He adores both my daughter and I. He treats my daughter with respect and always have us in mind. He is very thoughtful and is a great listener. We quickly fell in love with each other as we are so in tune to each other. We compliment each other really well. Everything feels so natural. It feels right. We both want to be together for as long as we possibly can. We have recently talked about getting married. Both of us want it. I have no doubt that I want to marry this man. My family are supportive and happy for me if I chose too. Do you think we are moving to fast? Should we re-analyze things? We talk all the time and both we both know how we feel. I'm ready to marry him and be with him until the very end. Is this enough to agree to a marriage? Any advice?
thank you that helps alot, i know my firend will b happy when we do but i dont think my family will understand since it was recent that we met in person, im 23 and he 24, neither of us have been married but we do know what we want, we are just afraid to rush it as much as we want it, he live a half hour from me, and is talking about finding a place and a job were i live to be closer and doing the whole sleep over thing, since we have just been doing the hang out go on dates but think it would b good to try and be a bit more personal without bringing sex into it just yet, we both have made alot of mistakes and are trying to do things different with our relationship cuz we both feel like we will actually last bc of how good we are when we are together. we cant go a day without talking and if we do, it makes up both sad and kinda crabby. i know relationship can take time, but the 3 yrs of talking and being friends before this we feel have set us ahead. he has met my 2yr old daughter and he gets along great with her and she likes him, and im meeting his son and family on his 3rd birthday. he asked me what i thought would be the appropiate amount of time to wait before asking to marry i figured a least a couple months, but idk still feels like sooner then that would be fine to.
COMMUNITY LEADER
You've tagged onto an old post.
I think marriages can work that start and progress quickly. However, taking the time to build a foundation is really important for most couples. Skipping that step can lead to things crumbling easier if there are problems in the future.
Doesn't mean it will work out that way but it is a risk factor for divorce down the road. good luck
I think marriages can work that start and progress quickly. However, taking the time to build a foundation is really important for most couples. Skipping that step can lead to things crumbling easier if there are problems in the future.
Doesn't mean it will work out that way but it is a risk factor for divorce down the road. good luck
I actually started saying my now husband in August of 2011, I had a 2&3 year old daughters. I was hesitant but knew he was diff so I let him meet the girls after 2 weeks. He has treated them as his own,a better father then their own. On Halloween he asked me to marry him and we were wed on November of 11. It was extremely quick and almost unheard of but we couldn't be happier. We have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing. We both had previous marriages and knew what we wanted, yeah we were only 24 at the time we met but we just knew it was right. Now we have our own little girl that is 7 weeks and we couldn't be happier. So I personally don't believe there is a certain amount if time it takes, when you know what you want and have experienced what you don't want.
i have knowen my bf for 3 years, we were just friends (untill recently) he talked almost daily for the whole 3 years we had never met until end of january this year (2013) we love eachother and have always cared for eachother we get along great, love spending time together and we are taking things slow, but still talk about getting married and have more kids (i have a 2yr old from a previous relationship, and he has a 3yr old from a previous) we talk about what we think would b to soon or how slow to take it, and its hard to figure out since we have been friends for so long, but just recently meeting in person and all my failed relationships have me holding back a little more then normal, but i really care for him and want to take it slow cuz i dont want this relationship to get messed up like my others and he feels the same, but we still talk about marrige, how long to wait before asking, how long to be engaged(we both dont want a long engament but also dont wanna rush to quickly) and we even talk aobut how big of a wedding to have....
Your story is definitely an inspiration. Nothing in life is a guarantee. I think we all know that. We must first know ourselves, understand our surroundings, and weigh our options. My daughter is my world and she always will be. I'm sure that's how you feel for your son even before your husband got in the picture. The decision you made was indeed risky, but I know you didn't make it selfishly. He treated your son like his own and committed to the both of you.
Others may find things like this crazy simply because most people get married after a year or more of dating. So its normal to see something like this and think it's completely nuts.
But once you've experienced something like this then you know. And I'm sure you know what I mean.
To be clear, I don't have any doubts. I'm certain, however, it is something out of the ordinary that's why I wanted to hear other's opinion.
My parents married 2 weeks after meeting, but that was from another time. I wanted to weigh all of my options first and then make a decision.
Thank you for all of your help even if its via online. Again, your story is an inspiration plus it gives woman hope especially those who have children and have been through a rough time.
May God continue to bless you and your family :)
Others may find things like this crazy simply because most people get married after a year or more of dating. So its normal to see something like this and think it's completely nuts.
But once you've experienced something like this then you know. And I'm sure you know what I mean.
To be clear, I don't have any doubts. I'm certain, however, it is something out of the ordinary that's why I wanted to hear other's opinion.
My parents married 2 weeks after meeting, but that was from another time. I wanted to weigh all of my options first and then make a decision.
Thank you for all of your help even if its via online. Again, your story is an inspiration plus it gives woman hope especially those who have children and have been through a rough time.
May God continue to bless you and your family :)
I also think you have a whole hell of a lot of sense and not everyone does, so you were very good at figuring out exactly what you were getting yourself into, lol. That's pretty cool that your family has a history like that...I guess it says a lot about how upfront and forthright you all can be in relationships and that's a pretty amazing thing to be. :-)
Thanks Ashelen, you are right, my story is definitely rare and I was lucky it worked out. There are a few other people in my family that were together for an even shorter amount of time and are still married years and years later, so it's not a lost cause necessarily, but the odds aren't always in our favor. My brother and sister in law knew each other only 2 weeks when tied the knot. 28 years later and still happy. My aunt and uncle were together for 2 months and have been married over 40 years. It's crazy, but sweet! I suppose it all depends on how well you can get to know someone in a short period of time, and whether or not they are genuine with their words/feelings. We can be easily manipulated when we are in that honeymoon phase. Regardless of what the OP does, I hope it all works out for her!
I think the OP HAS decided to wait and take her time....you can see in her last post that she says her daughter's safety is worth waiting and being cautious for...just to let everyone know who might've missed it :-).
imanaddict: I think your story is great, and it's very romantic! Unfortunately stories like yours are the minority and I will always urge caution when kids are involved...like specialmom, I am very happy for you and that everything has worked out so well! All relationships DO have their ups and downs, you're right :-).
imanaddict: I think your story is great, and it's very romantic! Unfortunately stories like yours are the minority and I will always urge caution when kids are involved...like specialmom, I am very happy for you and that everything has worked out so well! All relationships DO have their ups and downs, you're right :-).
Oh mercy me have you read any of these here posts. Not quite two months of knowing someone, anyone, does not prepare you for a lifelong committment. You still do not know each other at all. Slo down girl! What is the freaking hurry here? No thinking needed, yes it is way way way too soon! Have you had your hormones checked lately? Never make decisions based totally, solely on how you feel? Try to put some old fashiond thinking and common sense into the mix as well. Do you have the same goals, how to get there, same parenting skills, on the same page with how many children ya want, who is working, who is watching the kids, will it take two paychecks to make things work, do you have credit equal with each other, how you think about things, how to fight about things without destroying all the good. Girl! This stuff is serious and takes time! And it is time well spent! Slow down
"But do you if we seriously talked about it and laid everything out on the table I should still consider waiting? " Yes, I would still advise you to wait. Every single new relationship is exciting and you feel this intense feelings for the one you are with, but if you wait a while then the butterflys wear off a little and you get to truly know who exactly you are dating. I would never advise anyone to jump into marriage with someone in under a year, just to be on the safe side, especially if children are involved. You can only get to know someone over time as you get to know their habits and how they interact with people. In the beginning phases of dating, people try to be on their best behavior, so you only get to see the good side of them. As you date longer, you get to see the whole person of who they are. A friend of mine got married to a man she "loved" after only knowing him for 5 months. They got divorced a year later after she found out he was living a double life with another woman on the side and a gambling addiction. He hid these things well from her and she would have found out about these things if she waited to marry him instead of just jumping into it so soon. Take your time and get to know the guy. Then after at least 6 months, then seriously talk about marriage and see where you stand. It's been over a year for my relationship and I still love him the same and want to marry him. If the feelings are true, you won't change your mind.
Aww, thank you! Sometimes it's hard to get a point across over the internet..LOL! You already know that my husband and I have our ups and downs, but that is completely normal in a marriage. I have questioned myself on marrying him so soon when things have been bad, but overall, he's a great guy, a great husband and father. He likes to spoil me and wants nothing more than to make me happy. It hurts his feelings when I have expressed that to him. I really only question it when I'm fuming mad. Any other time, it's a no brainer =)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh no. I was just saying that I liked your story and am glad you are happy. Sincerely. That there are no absolutes and time tables that people have to adhere to in order to find happiness. That's all. Yes, I did read your doubts but got swept away I guess and didn't refer to them in my comment to you. I was more just saying that I'm happy for ya.
Did I read her question wrong? I had plenty of doubts at first and I thought I was explaining those doubts in my answer. Maybe I wasn't thorough enough..
COMMUNITY LEADER
imanaddict, I'm so glad you found someone like that to be with you and love you and your son. There are no absolutes to love and relationships.
I wonder if the poster asking the question here means she has some doubts in her heart that you didn't have. I don't know.
But it is always nice to hear a great love story. :))
I wonder if the poster asking the question here means she has some doubts in her heart that you didn't have. I don't know.
But it is always nice to hear a great love story. :))
To answer your question...I just let him in. It was risky, but he had earned my trust and I let my guard down just to see where it would go. For once, it ended up being worth it. He not only earned my trust, but the trust of my family and friends, which was a big deal to me. All of them were very protective of me and my son because of the jerks that treated me so bad before him. One night I had gotten REALLY sick with food poisoning so you can imagine all the nasty stuff that comes with that. He was there cleaning up after me, and took care of me and my son until I got better. It was then that I realized I had a keeper!
Bless you, you're a wonderful mother and I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope this is the man to make you a wonderful husband and your daughter a wonderful stepfather, but I am so very happy that you're going to take it slow and cautiously. Always better safe than sorry....best of luck! :-)
Thank you very much! You are very right! My daughter is irreplaceable, waiting and testing it out for my daughter's sake is more important than letting my guard down. Thank you. I needed to hear that.
Just wanted to add: I even screen new FRIENDS in my life before letting them meet my kids. it takes awhile of knowing them before I let them meet my kids and I can tell you that this method has stood me in good stead by letting me weed out the ones I wouldn't end up trusting completely before they interact with my little ones. if i were picking a husband, my "qualification and waiting phase", if you will, would be even longer and more extensive. my kids deserve no less! food for thought :-)
Asking if you should continue to observe him w/ your daughter and wait: YES!!!!!
you can NEVER be too cautious adding new people to your daughter's life. what if something happens 6 months from now that you miss because you felt comfortable enough to let your guard down? after a while, its OK to begin to trust him with her, but I personally wouldn't relax my vigilance for a longer time....at least until she is old enough to understand what people can and can/should-not do with or to her.
yes, he may simply love children and your life will turn out beautifully with him. your odds are good. but could you live with yourself if you DID miss some warning sign?
when in doubt, wait it out. with the rest of you and your daughter's lives ahead, a bit of caution and patience is a small price to pay for peace of mind.
you can NEVER be too cautious adding new people to your daughter's life. what if something happens 6 months from now that you miss because you felt comfortable enough to let your guard down? after a while, its OK to begin to trust him with her, but I personally wouldn't relax my vigilance for a longer time....at least until she is old enough to understand what people can and can/should-not do with or to her.
yes, he may simply love children and your life will turn out beautifully with him. your odds are good. but could you live with yourself if you DID miss some warning sign?
when in doubt, wait it out. with the rest of you and your daughter's lives ahead, a bit of caution and patience is a small price to pay for peace of mind.
At the end of the day, I think that's important. If you trust yourself and you trust that he'll be there for you and your child then by all means do it. I guess its typical for people to wait a year before marrying. But I'm curious to know since you've experienced it. How did you decide to marry him considering you already have a baby?
Its sounds out of the normal for a man to quickly fall in love with another woman's child. I know. But I've raised my child on my own since I gave birth to her. I knew that if I expose her to him I'm setting her and myself up to get hurt, but I wanted to see how he treats my daughter. He was very attentive to her. At first I thought he was just doing that to earn some points with me. But then I meet his family. His entire family. I had a chance to sit down with his mom and sister, who were very honest and blunt to me of how he is. Of course, they wouldn't know exactly how he treats a women and her child, but they gave me a glimpse of who he is. The guy really just loves kids. He babysits his nephews on weekends. It sounded odd at first until I saw it with my own eyes. Can I trust that he's 1 out a million man who actually loves children and is willing to marry a woman who already has a child? Or should I continue to observe and wait?
Thank you for your comment. But do you if we seriously talked about it and laid everything out on the table I should still consider waiting?
I think that's what I failed to see. Thank you for reminding me that my daughter is part of this decision no matter what. And your right, our relationship is very intense, but as I read from everyone's advice... I guess the first few months of a relationship would be like that. I never truly experienced something so intense, so waiting would be a great idea. Thanks again.
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....Of course we've only been together for about 2 years. So it's hard to say what the future holds. The crazy happy in love went away shortly after we moved in and had to deal with the differences full time. That was hard. We made it through the getting used to living together and it's been mostly bliss ever since.
I have been in abusive relationships. I have been divorced and I have hated men. I think that if you've been through that stuff, and you love yourself, it's easier to see if someone is sincere. I don't have children. And I would be a lot more cautious about dating and especially marrying if I did. So that worries me a bit. I think it's safer to date before the child meets the man. ANd then if you see a future, bring the child slowly into the mix. But since she's already been introduced and they've obviously spent a lot of time together, maybe it's alright.
Bottom line. Only you can know what is right for you and you're daughter. Only you can know what is in your heart and what you are chosing to ignore about the man. You have to make the decision, and I just hope you do what's best for your daughter before you do what's best for you.