Girlfriend cheated on me...

[Loser84]

So I loved this girl to the earth and back, I thought she was the one! We shared the same hobbies, staying fit and working out together, she was perfect in my eyes and told me she loved me. Then I went away for 2 weeks on a cruise, I hid a little love letter in her room hoping she would miss me and get attached to me and be excited for when I return, I loved her so much, each night I always prayed that she would think about me and love me even more (I know that's weird sorry) after two weeks of repeatedly praying and hoping everything will be the same I get home and she tells me she slept with another guy? I have never been so heart broken in my life, obviously I didn't mean that much to her, I'm so depressed and don't know what to do, so many sleepless nights and .... Cutting :/ what do I do, it's not right I want to be happy! I just thought she was the one, I don't think I can take her back after it.. Please help! Do I move on ?

[TTinKKerBBell]

Personally I too hold the opinion "once a cheater, always a cheater" in the sense that one has to possess a character 'flaw' in order to cheat in the first place.

So

'perhaps' the person won't have sex outside the relationship again.....

But
somehow, someway

that 'flaw' will show itself again because it does in fact exist in the persons' character in order to cheat in the first place.   Her Standards, Character and Morals are not a match for Your own.  Cheating isn't always about sex - and a person who isn't totally invested enough in the relationship to exclude sex with another person is probably going to disappoint You again in some way.  I do not hold with the idea that infidelity is a 'mistake'  - cheating is not an 'accident'.   It takes intent and purpose to cheat. I too agree with AnnieBrooke - that who You thought She was and who She really is are probably two different things.

Often in a relationship one person loves more than the other - when that happens, it's the one that loves the least that has the 'power' (control)

I also agree with SpecialMom - it is very important for You to address Your pain and depression and work through it without harming YourSelf.

Good Luck

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I really would love to see you seek some help for your depression and the cutting.  Cutting can become dangerous and solves nothing and needs to be addressed with a professional.  PLEASE do this as soon as possible.  Depression has a clinical criteria which involves not only symptoms but how long it has been going on------  but what you describe in terms of your desperation and being so distraught to self harm is worthy of immediate treatment.  Depression is treatable and you must do this.  For one thing, it is almost impossible to make really good decisions for ourselves under the cloud of depression let alone heal from a hurtful relationship.

Now, I don't believe 'once a cheater always a cheater'.  I really do not believe that and know of many cases that this is not the case.

However, I also am self protective and that dating is for a reason---  to find the red flags we need in order to JUDGE whether this relationship should continue on or not.  This is a major red flag that a simple two week separation results in her being with another man.  Was she careless and drunk or was it an ongoing affair type of thing?  Either way, it matters not.  She did it.  I don't know if this is early on in dating which is semi more forgivable in terms of this type of behavior on her part but if you were at the point of saying I love you and such, it probably wasn't brand new.  If it was under 6 months, I consider that a new relationship that is very vulnerable if it has moved too fast.  Love grows and is not immediate even though many a fantasy book has it seeming that way.  A foundation must be slowly built in order for the relationship to last and endure tough times (like being separated).  

Anyway, so very sorry for your pain.  It is very hard when someone lets us down!  I agree with Anniebrook that who you thought she was and who she really was were two different things.  

Wishing you much much peace.  Please go and seek some help for your depression though.  I see that as essential to get help for the cutting.  peace

[AnnieBrooke]

Interesting, the above are two sides of the opinion coin.  Mine is the third side, if such a thing is possible.  If you loved her that desperately, to the point where you praying every night that she loved you as much as you wanted her to, it almost sounds like you knew at some level that you were more in love with her than she was with you.  Thus what she did is more of a confirmation of your intuition about the situation, than a big astonishing out-of-the-blue change in the status quo.  

What I've told girlfriends in this situation, in which they are giving away their personal power over the relationship and secretly deep-down fearful that the relationship is not as solid as they pray it is, is that they are really just in love with their image of the perfect relationship, that they are projecting onto the relationship with the withholding partner, and are not in love with the real relationship, the actual one in which they feel insecure and know in their heart that the guy is not as interested as they are.  I'd tell you the same.  If you were trying harder than she was, surely what you were after is not what she was interested in giving, and THAT relationship is not one that was going to ever make you happy.  Please stop and see if you were not more enamored of what you fantasized the relationship to be, than what it really was.

It's possible to get over having been in love with a person where much of what you were in love with was your image in your mind of her, not who she really was.  Separate the two and you will stop hurting.

Good luck.

[CRSeaside]

Dear Girl Friend Cheated on Me,
             First thing it's wonderful for you have felt deep love for someone else
You went on the Cruise for two weeks? Did you have a romantic time too?
  So, how did the cat get out of the bag? She showed up to your place with a man, or did you hear it from the grapevine ?
  So now you'd like to know what we think about you taking her back. Right?
  Yes, make up with her. Forgive her & move on with life.
    It's better that these things are out in the open & handled before a more serious relationship like marriage.   Let us know.     Pamela

[LoveMyHusband32]

Wow son it seems that she meant a lot to you! You must of really loved her. You seem like such a romantic kind hearted man writing letters to her and hiding them in her room and praying each night. I'm sorry to say this but it seems like she doesn't appreciate being with you so she chooses to go else where with another guy. Rounding all that up it's not going to work out your relationship must end, ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! Please I advise you don't cut yourself anymore it's not a healthy life style trust me you need to find what makes you happy and banish all the things that may cause you to feel like this. It's your girlfriend. Good luck! God blesses you with all of my heart and stay strong!