So this is going to be a confusing one... My girlfriend(ex) went to europe for a month and before she left our relationship was going really well. I mean we had mini fights every once in awhile but nothing crazy. When she left I felt the most comfortable I ever have with her and was 100% sure of her love for me and mine for her. You see we've been together 4 years and we've had issues with trust at least on my end. She has requested space on three occasions and every time I'm left felling like this could be the end but I support her. The last time we were separated for 3 months and it was hard because she always told me she loved me and that we were meant to be together. Finally one day she came around and I moved to the city where she lived as opposed to living 50 miles away. We started our relationship again with talk of marriage etc. but wanting to take it slow because she still had some things to do like graduate college and go on these many trips with her friends culminating in the Europe trip. She said after that she still might need time on her own... So this was in January and reassured her that I would give her all the space that she needed and that things would be okay. You see I know we both love each other very much and both know that we want a future together so I thought it would be okay. So fast forward to June. Things are going great. She had been on many trips with her friends and graduated college and I never questioned her as far as me trusting her. We were in love although my biggest problem is being affectionate because I guess I am unconsciously scared to fully open up because of all this "time" stuff we've been through. I assure you its not that i don't want to be affectionate. This was one thing she had troubles with. So she leave to Europe and like I said I never felt more sure of us but slowly as the time past and our communication was very little because of the obvious I started to worry. You see she planned on moving in with these 2 girls who are very single and still living up the party life. I guess as the time went by I started to worry about her coming back wanting this time. So I figured I would give her the space... I still don't fully understand why but I thought that things were so good between us that we could survive a couple of months and it would bring us closer. The two things left on her slate were finding a job and moving in with these friends so i figured if she could do those things without my constant attention that maybe she would feel confident and sure. Then at the same time I could get rid of this "her needing time" fear as well. So when she got back I knew I had to do it right away or I wouldn't follow through so I told her. I know really bad timing!! I will never forgive myself for that. She reacted really badly and didn't want to talk to me. I tried to tell her that I wasn't set on it but she withdrew and wouldn't change her mind. My big insecurity in our relationship is that I always felt like I fought for her. Everytime we took a break I never gave up and I always felt that if I didn't do that that things would just fade off... So we had some heated emails where she said many mean things that she has since retracted but in the end she said she would contact me when she was in a good place. 2 weeks after she sent me a text wanting to meet up and talk and I sent a message a couple hours later because I was in a meeting accepting. I then went out with a friend who was in town to see her with her friends but most notably with another guy. This broke me. A couple days later we talked and I was really angry. She told me it wasn't anything but it was nice to be wanted... She also revealed to me that when she came back from Europe that she was ready to take our relationship to the next level and that she was ready at the time. All of this blind sided me because she never told me that at the time. She again told me that she knew in her heart that we where meant to be together but that she wouldn't jump back into it. Since then I have found out that she has slept at that guy's house a couple times supposedly never doing anything physical and she assured me that there was nothing there! She said they have nothing in common, that it was just nice to not have anything serious, that he was fun to hangout with and that he pursued her. Everytime telling me I had nothing to worry about that she still loved me and that she still knew that we would be back together but for some reason she was unable to be with me now. It has something to do with the hurt that I caused when she came back from Europe. I am so confused and lost. I never thought that this would turn out like this. The last time we talked she said she just wanted to make her own decisions and needed time to do that... I told her that I supported that and would be here for her but I just can't get the fact out of my head that she is with this other person even though she assures me its nothing. I am so lost! What do I do?
Having read your post, I immediately caught all the red flags to this relationship, but when a woman tells you that she needs her space, that means she no longer wants to be with you at that point.
Here are a few of the red flags that I caught immediate:
* Trust issues (the foundation of a relationship is respect and trust, without trust, you
really don't have a relationship it's in trouble)
* She requested for "space" 3 times (She really does not want to be with you, but
doesn't know how to not hurt your feelings. She cares and loves you, but is no
longer in love with you, especially if she is hanging out with a new guy) .
* Traveled with friends ( I was in Lourdes, France and that was a get away without
having to ask him permission and proving her independence from you...in other words,
I can come and go as I please with my friends and you really don't have a say).
* Talked marriage, but take it slow: Nice thought, but you both are not ready for
this serious, lifetime commitment.
* You admit not being affectionate and have some fears: A woman must be hugs,
kissed, hold her hand, tell her how important she is too you ..get it. This
alone could destroy your relationship. if you are now showing her affections,
she went elsewhere to find it!
* You always felt you had to fight for her: Love is easy and simple. If you find yourself
always struggling to maintain your relationship, the relationship in reality is gone.
If you stop fighting to keep this relationship, it would be over. She would go her way
and you would be left with a broken heart.
* Saying mean things to each other: This is one of the most distructive actions in a
relationship, why? because when couples say things that are mean and hurtful, the
words are like a video recorder that is remembered and played over and over.
* You saw her with another guy: Your relationship in reality is over. She has not
been honest with you. Has met someone else and doesn't know how to tell you
without hurting your feelings. She cares and loves you, but is no longer in love
* She told you it's nice to be wanted: This lack of affection on your part has made her
seek it elsewhere.
* She has slept at the guys house a couples of times, but nothing happened: She has
been intimate and is possibly being intimate with this guy. Don't believe it for moment
that nothing has happend. Once again...she' doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
She liked the attention this guy is giving her and don't believe for a moment when
she said, "we don't have anything in common", yet she slept in his apartment a few
time. She is being unfaithful and I think deep down inside you know it. You have to
listen to that inner voice that tells you when something is wrong.
You seem like a great guy, who has his head on his shoulders. You are a good thinker with a good heart. This relationship is over. She is being unfaithful, but cares about you, loves you, but is no longer in love with you. You have choices. You can privately seek out the guy and have a talk with him and find out what is going on (like adults), but either way, dump her. She is breaking your heart and you deserve better. Never let any woman take advantage of your good nature. Hang in there....Judy
After reading your post, my soggestion would be get out of the situation, she still wants to play around, also this is my opinion, and i think she has been using you . try reading your post and try as a stranger if you can and you will see why that i say this there are to many red flags luck jo
Ditto to Judy and Jo! This woman is stringing you along. Like jo said re read your own post and there are many red flags. I don't blame you at all for not trusting her. I would have been outta there a long time ago.
If she really did LOVE you, she would not need more space! She would want to be with you and to spend time with you and no amount of time with you would be enough for her! She would want to be with you as much as possible. You should look at yourself to know this is true. you love her so you are sacrificing your own happiness to try and make the relationship work, she is not doing the same with you. i do believe you truly love her because you would not have put up with all this otherwise, so i'm sorry to say but she does not feel the same about you. You need to find a woman who would do for you what you have been doing for this girl. If you truly love someone you do your best to make the other person happy, and she is not doing this. Wake up, she doesn't want the relationship, and she sounds immature to me.
This girl is playing you like a fiddle. She basically wants to have fun and do what she wants to do when she wants to do it, hence the 3 requests for space. It is because she wants to live the single life and knows deep down that she can come running back to you for comfort whenever she feels like it. You are always there waiting for her with open arms. I can most confidently say she was with other men during this time. For whatever reasons it didn't work out with them, she knew that she had you waiting in the wings. She doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship and she certainly doesn't seemed concerned with how you feel. She also used that excuse that she now was ready to move to the next level right after you told her how you felt, just to make you feel guilty and to keep you on this begging trip. Apologizing to her, telling her you were wrong and that you want her. Her answers being like, nope too late, you already ruined it. Am I close? She is hurtful and selfish and loves the fact that you chase her. She's not good for you. You will see that when the time is right, you will find a woman who will easily reciprocate the same feelings. You shouldn't have to give someone time to see what a gem they have in you. Good luck.
miami has it right, you are her comfort zone, she wants to party , play around and she wants to make sure she has someone to come home to, you are her comfort zone when she is tired, when she rests again, off she goes luck jo,
July, you're so easy. You are her comfort zone. And she can go to it when ever she feels like it.....because she can. Plain and simple. I do it all the time.
I choose to be single mostly because I can have what I want. And guys like you are the ones I will target because you give it. And when yall overwhelm me with too much attention that I'm not asking for.........I give the ole "i need space" line.
You're not the one, sorry.
It'll take time to get over her, but you have definitely learned from it. That's the positive thing.
Yes you are pretty much right on! Yesterday she told me to move on and forget about her so there is nothing else I can do. You see she was raised by her mother who was always in abusive relationships and had to witness that through her childhood then when she was 14 she got in a relationship with was turned out to be a controlling, drug dealing, addict who cheated on her etc. That lasted 4 years. Then she met me after they broke up for good. We hit it off from the beginning on so many levels. She was always hesitant jumping into another relationship but we had such a strong connection that it was hard not to. She tried fighting this idea of needing time to find herself the whole relationship i think and now she is holding strong... At least I know that so i can move on now.
It's so easy to blame people's childhood's on how they act in their current relationships but it's not your job to see why she did what she did. But if that's what you need to gain closure than that's what you need. I hope you can move on. One day she will realize what she had lost and she will most likely come back. Hopefully, you will have already moved on and won't fall for it.
She wants you to hang around and let her do what she wants to do? That is not love. I would highly suggest you end your torment and quit allowing yourself to be manipulated by her. Wanting to have fun, live with the girls, go on trips and not have you interfere with it is very selfish and not the actions of a woman in love. She sounds like a great manipulator and hey! You played right along! She set her priorities, its time you did the same.
So an update. This last weekend she text me "I ruined us didn't I" so I replied that she hadn't and she said that she felt so stupid to not be ready for us so I called thinking that she was sorry. She came over to talk and told me how she wishes we could go back to the way things were and how she wishes this was just a bad dream and then she went on to tell me that she was still talking to that guy except now more and plus they are sleeping together now. WTF is wrong with this girl.
As I said in my earlier post, because she does care about you and love you, BUT she no longer "in" love with you and I also, think that she is insensitive, no realizing that her words and actions are hurting you. It's time to accept what you can't change and put this girl behind you and don't look back She is no longer worthy of your love.
It's going to be difficult, but not all women are like her. There are so many beautiful, great women, who have moral values and are just waiting for that right time to meet you and get to you know. We have all experienced a heartbrake. I have experienced everything from being dump, to be told "I don't want a committed relationship" and I can go on and on, but It took all those bitter, negative experiences for meet the most amazing man, when I least expected it. Let her go, she's just not worth it. Keep us updated on how you are coming along.
She is pulling you back in with I'm sorry's and all kinds of **** like that. She is stringing you along. She obviously has no respect for you or your feelings if she is saying all this to you while STILL seeing this other guy. Face it, she is not mature enough for a committed relationship and is using you as a guy she can fall back too whenever she feels like it. She is not considering you or your feelings at all, she is thinking about herself and that's it. Like Judy said, there are many many woman out there and you sound like a great guy, go out and mingle. You will find someone who is actually worthy of your love!
And i would suggest break off all contact with this girl. I doubt she will change, and she is not a healthy partner for you obviously.
And the cycle begins again. She did exactly what she's always done. End it and then come back. You do exactly what you always do, take her back again. It's going to go on and on until you put an end to it. You apparently don't care that you are a walking doormat. Good luck, it won't be long until she does it again. When is enough going to be enough for you?
p.s.after this last experience, break all contact with her or this is going to be routine with her. She will come back and leave, come back and leave. Enought is enough, let it be the last time you speak or text her again...even if it means changing your cell phone number. Time to move forward without her.
I understand what everyone is saying and I have decided to move to another state and just get away. I know that it doesn't completely fix everything but Im sure it will help being close to a support system plus the only reason that I hadn't done this before was because I was waiting for her to finish school etc. It has been hell living like this especially when she has now made my favorite spots to hangout hers. I do plan on not cutting communication as I received an email this week telling me that she doesn't have anyone to turn to to make this make sense and that she feels that she loves me so much, but feels like there must be something wrong with her for being with someone else and that she has always been too good at being able to turn her feelings off, and doesn't know how to wake herself up. Also I should know that she is working hard to get to a better place mentally and emotionally and hopefully that will bring some clarity to her and what she is doing. She is sorry I love her and that she loves me and hopes sometime soon I will be able to hate her, as that is what she deserves. She said she is unable to process alot of what is going on now and is sorry beyond words that for hurting me, her closest family and best friend and that she thinks about me all the time. She finishes it with saying that she hopes she will not be such a nutcase soon. With all that said I have one question and its probably stupid but would like an honest answer. Do people in this situation ever have a chance at getting back together and having a healthy relationship?
I doubt it. the only way she will change and you two will have a healthy relationship is if she actually knows she has a problem and is not just pulling your tail. The only way I would take someone back after stringing me along is if they had counseling to help them. But i believe it's best to just move on and look for better things. And since i sincerely believe you do love her, you will not get over her until you do stop contact. She will just keep pulling you back in and you will go back hoping for her to change which i doubt she will and the cycle will continue and continue until you stop having anything to do with her.
You see I can't tell if she's playing you or if she truly has a serious mental issue. She may like the attention either way. But she's not your problem to fix. She has to own up to her issues and seek help for them. She is holding you there because she knows you will feel sorry for her. She needs counseling for herself and you need to get away and take care of yourself. Once you are away from her and you meet someone else, you will see what being with someone who doesn't have these "emotional" problems is like. It's a breath of fresh air. Just make sure you work on you so that you don't fall into a cycle where you are choosing females that are emotionally dependant on you. You sound much like an enabler. Good luck.
I do plan on stopping communication. I made a mistake in the last post. She had seen a counselor a couple years back and the counselor was helping her but then she retired and since then she talked about finding a new one but hasn't. I hope she can do that for herself instead of using some guy to help validate her...
You can't fix what's wrong with her; don't even try. Don't say anything unnecessarily mean, but be brief and firm and tell her that she isn't the one for you. If she wants more information, you could say that you don't seem to be the one for her, either, and it's time to quit fooling yourselves about it. Then walk away and let her sort through her own issues. Only she can do it for herself.
So a quick update. I talked to her about 12 days ago and she said she missed me and was ending things with the guy. She said she was realizing how things weren't bad between us. I then broke the news that I was moving to another city. She tried to act like it didn't bother her and told me that I guess we had our chances. Then she said she was trying to keep a positive attitude and that when we don't talk she really misses me but then when we talk its easy for her to get angry with me. I expressed that I still hoped things could work out in the future and she agreed. We told eachother we loved eachother and that was it. Then 3 days after that she wanted to talk to me about moving. I told her thanks for concern but I was doing it for me. She didn't respond until about 3 days after that in an email telling me she was sorry and loved me more than anyone in this world. She also said she was sorry for placing blame on me when we talked on the phone. She also appoligized for hurting me by being with that guy. She claims to not know why she did it but knows it was the wrong thing to have done. She said she was really going to work hard on fixing herself mentally. She wished me luck in my move and told me she love me. I didn't respond to that email. Then about 4 days later she asked if I had left yet. I didn't respond. Then the next day she called leaving me a message telling me how it was hard thinking she might not see me again and needed some kind of closure. She ended the Voicemail by telling me she loved me. I didn't respond again. Then later she text me saying she really needed closure and asked to answer her calls. I didn't. I leave tomorrow and its hard because I do love her very much but I just can't keep letting her hurt me and talk to me when she wants all the time. I have never not answer her or given her what she wants so it is hard with this no contact thing.. I guess the only reason I continue with it is because if I give in she will think that her behavior is okay and its not. I don't know Im confused......
I think you do need to make one response, in an email since it's a lot easier than having a phone conversation. but you need to just tell her that, you are moving, you are going to start a new life and that you would prefer to end the relationship and would prefer that this is the last correspondence because you are trying to move on with your life and you want her to stop contacting you, because you two are no longer in a relationship. Try and be nice about it, and DO NOT end it with i love you! No wonder she keeps contacting you, you keep telling her you still lover her! You need to be firm but kind and tell her that you want to break all contact. If she keeps writing emails or calling after that, just delete the emails and messages without reading them. If necessary change your phone number and email account, so that you can truly move on with your life and find someone who will not string you along and who will REALLY love you, and not only "love" you when it is convenient for them.
Oh and after that one email ending it and asking for her to stop contact, do NOT contact her again, no emails, calls, texts nothing. I know it'll be hard but you need to do it if you are really serious about moving on to better things.
I know the last reply was almost two weeks ago, but hopefully this helps anyway. I think you're finally on the right track, by moving away and not contacting her anymore. I see a lot of similarities with this girl and who I just ended a relationship with myself. I've learned that if she really loves you, then she'll show it. She'll show it in a way that she knows you'll understand how she really feels. She won't "need space" so she can hang out with other guys. She knew she hurt you but continued her behavior. She sounds like she has a lot of self-esteem issues and ALWAYS needs the attention on her. She's also very self centered since she treated terribly for so long and now that you're leaving she wants you to contact her for her own closure. Don't fall for it. It's just a game to her. Move on with your life, get away from her and don't look back. She's already trying to make you feel guilty. If you wanted to megochick's advice and give that one last email telling her to leave you alone and that it's over, I see nothing wrong with that although I don't think anyone would blame you if you continued to ignore her. She's had plenty of time to catch your attention. I know it's hard now but trust me, give yourself a few weeks and you'll feel so much better. You'll start looking back and realizing she wasn't for your and just wasted your time. Good luck.
I agree with everyone. She is just not into you anymore and is playing you. She would never say "I need some time" if it was the real thing. You may always have a soft spot for her in your heart but finding someone else will fill in that soft spot. Good Luck
Hi all. I just saw these comments. I actually talked to her the day I moved which was exactly 2 weeks ago tomorrow. It was a phone conversation and in many ways Im glad it happened. She left more messages pleading for me to talk to her and finally it got to a point where getting those messages was harder than just talking plus I was able to finally speak my mind without worrying about saying something wrong. She told me she didn't know she was hurting me which was bs and that the only reason she was with that guy was because she was mad and me and he helped her to not feel alone... She said she ended it and that she never had any feelings for him. She professed her love for me and said she would never forgive herself for ruining everything and that I was her family.... I told her everything that was on my chest and that I was not going to be with someone who could hurt me like her. In the end I told her she needed to work on herself and that I couldn't talk to her anymore. That maybe down the road when I am feeling like I had time to deal with my side of it then maybe we could talk again. It is hard because of course I still love her but she is very selfish. She has always gotten what she wanted with me and everytime she pushes how much she can get away with more and more. I'm not sure a person like that can change or if she will actually even ACT on it but I know I can't wait around so I haven't. Everyday it gets a little easier...
Good Job! Way to stick up for yourself and not be pulled into her selfishness! Take some time for you go out and have fun and I'm sure you'll meet someone who is so much better for you! But just relax and take it easy for awhile and concentrate on you.
Hey congrats buddy. Good for you. Yeah it'll progressively get easier. The first couple of weeks will be the hardest but one day you'll look back and realize how much of it was her BS. You'll feel so much better.
We are humans with feelings (at least most of us) and you just don't stop caring about someone overnight as much as we would like to. You do have to take time to grieve your loss and it will take some time. There is always hope, but don't forget that her behavior with you was simply inexcusable and unexceptable and if you want to go backwards and end up right here again, that's your choice, but I recommend that you move forward towards the future and not look back at the past. The past put you here in the first place, so move forward young man.....there a so many ladies just waiting to meet you. Judy
I went through the same with an ex fiancee of six yrs, yeah i took it that far. My ex would always make it seem like it was my fault and even turned her family against me in ways that I wouldn't. Even my family saw right through her, you really do need to stop talking to her, thats how she keeps you thinking about her. Its all about attention for her, I'm not sure how old you are, but she realy is stringing you along. In my situation I even provided for her and her daughter whom I was very close to. Open your eyes and see her for what she is worth. Everyone is telling what you need to do but you do the opposite. It is true you will find someone better, I have and this one does things for me without asking. Women nowadays are also more independent and unfortunately more provactive in how they approach men, definitely not like ours mothers were raised. Just don't rush into anything afterwards, take your time, its all about you now and you can be picky at what type of woman you want now. Goodluck, and drop her (your ex) like a bad habit!!!!
You are absolutely right about your comment that if she loved him she would not need more space. I am in a similar situation with a guy right now. We were working together for the same company, and started dating for two weeks. The company closed, we ended up finding jobs in different states, and kept our relationship going with endless phone calls, and skype. I was totally smitten and thought he felt the same for me. I was even applying at his workplace for a job, with a much lower pay, so we could be together! The turning point came when we were both planning to attend a religious event together. I was so thrilled that we could finally take this as an opportunity to see one another, after four and a half months of separation. I then found out that he had been discussing our relationship with close friends of his, who were also planning to attend the same religious event. He had said that I forced him into extramarital sex which he was not ready for. I just could not believe this when I found out. I felt like the world had collapsed above my head. I had put my heart and soul into this relationship, given up my flute practice, isolated myself from everyone around me, focused all my attention on him, and then this disillusionment. When I questioned him, he said that he still loves me but that he needs space. That was three weeks ago. I suffered, and was also worried that he might have infected me. I texted him that I had gone for an HIV test. Then he called back, however I did not answer the phone. He then texted me back and thanked me for the assault. A few days later I texted him with a negative test result. He texted back that he is happy that I got the negative result which he had never doubted. Again he said that my actions saddened him. He still loved me and is still thinking about our future together, but needs space. This was a week ago. We have not had any contact since then. I know that deep down the relationship is over for him; maybe he has already found a replacement. I just want to get over him, since he does not deserve my good heart and all the love and sacrifices I made for him. I know that the Lord will fill the void in my life. I only wish that I was not hurting so much.
Dear Megochick101, you are absolutely right about your comment that if she loved him she would not need more space. I am in a similar situation with a guy right now. We were working together for the same company, and started dating for two weeks. The company closed, we ended up finding jobs in different states, and kept our relationship going with endless phone calls, and skype. I was totally smitten and thought he felt the same for me. I was even applying at his workplace for a job, with a much lower pay, so we could be together! The turning point came when we were both planning to attend a religious event together. I was so thrilled that we could finally take this as an opportunity to see one another, after four and a half months of separation. I then found out that he had been discussing our relationship with close friends of his, who were also planning to attend the same religious event. He had said that I forced him into extramarital sex which he was not ready for. I just could not believe this when I found out. I felt like the world had collapsed above my head. I had put my heart and soul into this relationship, given up my flute practice, isolated myself from everyone around me, focused all my attention on him, and then this disillusionment. When I questioned him, he said that he still loves me but that he needs space. That was three weeks ago. I suffered, and was also worried that he might have infected me. I texted him that I had gone for an HIV test. Then he called back, however I did not answer the phone. He then texted me back and thanked me for the assault. A few days later I texted him with a negative test result. He texted back that he is happy that I got the negative result which he had never doubted. Again he said that my actions saddened him. He still loved me and is still thinking about our future together, but needs space. This was a week ago. We have not had any contact since then. I know that deep down the relationship is over for him; maybe he has already found a replacement. I just want to get over him, since he does not deserve my good heart and all the love and sacrifices I made for him. I know that the Lord will fill the void in my life. I only wish that I was not hurting so much.
Thank you for your help, i read it and immidetly called my (ex) up and ended the SAME routine.
DONT give in to her!!! brother, she said EXACTLY what your (ex) said WORD per WORD, SAME exact story as yours. 2 DAYS AGO, she said "i love you and care about you the most in the world but i just cant be in a relationship right now, i dont want to answer to anyone besides myselff, i need space to work on myself FOR US in hopes we can be together in the future".
I called HER and JUST now ended my "relationship" with my (ex)girlfriend after reading your post and all the comments, this happened like 5 mins ago and I told her "im not going to be your 'comfort zone' any longer, i love myself for now on, and will not permit you to hurt me any longer" and she cried and said "IM SOO SORRY for hurting you, im sorry, i love and care about you but yeah i dont want a relationship, im sorry for hurting you 2 days ago, i have to go, bye."
The other dude was in her apt, they were wide awake, at 1:30 am.
"there's a HUGE difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone"
Thank you guys!! I'm living the same situation and heartache. She tells me how much she loves me and wants to start our lives together on a Wednesday.... the next day, nothing. She needs time to think. So, I give her time to think. I try calling and texting her through the weekend. Each text reply was the same "I just need to think." Come Monday, she's in a relationship with ANOTHER guy!!!! Yes, it's obviously over. In my heart, it's not though. Getting over her and what we had will take some time. Reading all these posts and supporting messages have truly helped. Sincerely, thank you! Life will get better!
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