HEEEEEEEEELP

I dont know if I'm in the right forum or not but...
I just had a huge blow out with my husband who thinks that my 8year old daughter is sent from hell.  Just to let you know he has two little boys from a past relationship.  They are 6 and 4 years old. I have to admit that my daughter is a pain in the butt, but what kid isnt.  AAALLLLLLLLLLLLL kids bicker and fight but he seems to think that my daughter is the aggressor and that his boys are two perfect angels sent from above.  Everytime they get into it, like all children do, it seems as if he wants me to draw blood from my daughter to teach her to be nice. The poor girl never wins.  If she does something to them, and they retaliate then its "thats what you get". But if they are the ones to start with her, its (what did you do to them for them to do that to you?).  Give me a break!! He'll take the smallest incident and blow it thru the roof.  To tell you the truth I"m almost ready to end it all.  I dont think this will ever change. He is too closed minded to see that kids will be kids and that his kids are far from being perfect.
Advice? Anyone?

[uvlvrebel]

I have never been there... well, my hubby has a son, but older... our kids were 12 yrs apart, and all were from him. so it's not the same... if I had to choose though, my kids would come first above teh new hubby.  tell him if he wants to yell at anyone for her actions, to yell at you.  tell him that he is not allowed to say anything negative to her again because you feel it will cause her to develop bad feelings towards men; that it will make her be afraid of men, which could potentially lead her to be in a negative situation in the future with a man and then cause her to acquiesce to HIs intentions.  I would think if you argued a point like this AND he cared at all he would respect HER and do this for HER.  how long have you been married?

[urdacrazy1]

Well, we've been together for 3 years but only have been married since October.  We also have a 16 month old together.  The thing is he does yell at me about her infront of her. So its a biiiiiig blow out when he gets in my face about it all.  But when its time for me to tell him about his kids, which i always start off calmly he throws whatever she's done back at me.  Like I said, there's no winning with him.  My thing is that there is sooo much animosity between all of us already that I dont think there is any fixing it.

[slow_healer]

Is there any kind of step-parenting group in your community? It sounds like you and your husband could really benefit from tips from other people who are in your shoes. I wish I had tips for you - one would be NOT to discuss the children when they are present. That is pretty immature and damaging to let the kids know how "bad" they are. I think your husband needs to realize that whether your daughter is "bad" or not, his behavior is adding tremendously to the situation. I would also introduce a new rule to family discussions - no drudging up the past. That's just asking for a fight. He should let you finish what you're saying about his kids, which has nothing to do with your daughter. If he's not willing to have a two-way conversation about it, then ask him why talk about it at all?

[urdacrazy1]

Thats exactly what I try to tell him.  He's only making matters worse.  I dont tell his kids anything because I know how he gets.  Thats why I tell him, just so that he can talk to them himself, but in his eyes they can do no wrong and I they do then its never worse than what my daughter does or has done.  He's such an idiot.

[uvlvrebel]

wow.. again, I've never been there and can't speak from experience.  But, I'll ask you, what kind of example is this dad showing your daughter for 'how a wife should be treated by her husband'.  Or, if this were your daughter asking the question you asked, what would you tell her?  

For me, I would not suffer my daughters to this abuse.  it sounds like verbal abuse... I know that there exists 2 sides to every story, but from the little I get here from you, your side... it truly sound like verbal abuse.  "domestic abuse in the presence of a minor child"  is what is would be labelled. (sometimes it helps to have a name for it.)  

is your child together a boy or a girl?  Imagine the example those boys are getting n how to treat w woman.  "if daddy does it then it must be ok."    My youngest is the same age as your oldest boy... I would cringe if my daughter liked a boy that had an example like THAT for a dad.  I'm teaching my girls independence and "you don't take sh!t from anyone."  Thier dad and i have had our share of fights, but as much as my girls have seen, they also see daddy comming to mommy and saying, "i'm sorry".  

can u fix it... i just don't know... it would depend upon him.  can he control his mouth and temper?  can he seek out help if he can't do-it on his own.  can he stop BLAMING an 8 year old girl for problems that arise.  I mean, isn't it pretty cowardice to blame a child for anything... like you said- THEY"RE ONLY KIDS.  

[urdacrazy1]

EEEEEEEEEExacly!! Dont get me wrong, I get in his face about things too. And i am definitely the one with the potty mouth but He's the one that starts with the yelling. And when he gets to yelling, it just sets me off. SOMETIMES I try to keep calm and stay quiet but I'm much like you (dont take much from any, ANYBODY) and just have to let him have it, no matter who's there.  your right as far as the example he is giving HIS boys. The baby we have together is a girl.

[uvlvrebel]

didn't you know he was like this b4 u got married?

[urdacrazy1]

I know, I know.

[4tricia16]

IT WONT CHANGE!!!! That little girl will always be at fault. I am in a similar situation and she will end up HATING him and having issues with her own life. Get help with this or get out for her. One of the two. He will never treat her good enough if he is on her right now for every thing she does. God i wished I would have handled things differently. My daughter will be going off to college in the fall and we are very close. But.... my husband cant lay off of her. My situation is I was married and had a child got a divorce and when my husband now and i had children and they were older all hell broke out with my oldest daughter. THIS IS HARD!!! I love all 4 of my daughters as if my life depended on it they are my life but some times i sit and wonder why I even try to make things better between the two of them because he is the one missing out on a wonderful girl now woman not me I have been there for all of my girls and he cant say that. GOD I PRAY YOU GET HELP FOR HER!! Please listen to me when i tell you the effects it has on your child and marriage are devastating!! My husband was great that is why i remarried he loved her first!! but then when the girls would fight it would always be her fault! You are going to have problems going between the two and the relationship between you and the boys will be bad because believe it or not you will blame them for what your husband is doing to your daughter because he instigates their actions to her. BE carful.

[4tricia16]

also please let the little girl know she is loved and its not her fault. Dont let this continue to happen to her. This is a form of abuse!! he should be ashamed of himself!! Children are bad sometimes but if you want good children know how to teach them to be good. You are a good mother I can tell this by your post and comments. All i can tell YOu is to Put your children first. I made excuses for the way my husband is for too long but to tell you the truth I wished I knew how it would effect my daughter eariler and I would be a single mom of 4!!Good luck. God bless And love your little girl a little extra She deserves it!!!

[4tricia16]

Just wanted you to know you really are not alone and if you dont think it will be fixable get out now before he really does damage to you and you two girls!! I have you in my heart and It is breaking for your girls and mine I really did think I was the only one out there with the problem we have.

[uvlvrebel]

I read on different forums where you have posted this same question and now have received the same responses from all the forums.  I HOPE YOU ARE TAKING THIS ADVICE TO HEART AND TAKING STEPS TO REMEDY THIS SITUATION.  if you are not, then u r da crazy 1 for not helping your child.

[4tricia16]

i am eighteen years old. i will be going off to college in the fall of two thousand and eight, and the only man i have ever known as daddy sees me only as a rift between him and my moms marriage. for the past five years i have fought with my dad and i have had my mom constantly take up for me. And it hurts to say that i have grown to hate the man that is my only father. it has put great stress on my family. including my little sisters who dont know who to side with. This situation is completely out of control to the point where i dont even care about coming home during college. All i can think about is getting away. i love my mom and my sisters and i konw i will come back here to see them, but i dont think i can ever see this place as a true home while i have to constantly fight with a man who doesnt see me as anything other as a failure. The only reason i am as accomplished as i am today is because of my mother. i know she loves me with all her heart, she has been both mother and father to me. i am quite sure that i would have amounted to exactly what he thinks of me without her. she has pushed me and encouraged me and let me know that i was important and loved and i would be someone. my advice to you would to do as my mother did and to encourage and love and understand your daughter when noone else does. Because believe it or not you are the deciding factor to your daughters future. and her mental health as a teen and an adult. From my experience this wont get better.....it wont work to talk because if he resents her now at eight it will just grow worse with time.....shes your baby and you still have time to change your life. my mother doesnt. she is stuck in her situation and it is killing her spirit.....and killing my family....get help for your daugter.....get out....please i know from personal experience...it can get to the point to where your daughter will feel better off having not been born and that is the worse feeling a child could ever have....for yours and your daughters sake please get out.

[jml1986]

I've been there and I just have to say, I was the worst stepmother in the world. Why, because I looked for the faults of the kids. I resented them for taking my husbands focus away from me, and I had no clue how to be a parent. That being said, once I gave birth to my daugher, I learned how to be a parent and I even became a great stepmom. Stepparenting is a tough job and one that really needs to be gone over with a fine toothed comb before the marriage. I would suggest that you make a point of making a plan that will work for both of you and is in the best interest of the children. My stepchildren are grown and on their own and we are now best friends. So, it can be done with a little work.

[urdacrazy1]

Believe me when I tell you that I love my daughter and she knows I do. But, when she's wrong, she's wrong and I let her know that. I can do all the punishing in the world but what good is it if she's the only one being punished? His kids do punishable things as well but dont get punished, he just doesnt see it. Its not fair to my daughter that isnt able to get away with saying "my picture is nicer than yours" (as petty as it sounds, that is something that has set him off). But they can get away with kicking her in her chest because YESTERDAY she was kicking his feet. Do you see my point. He justifies everything he does.  the fact that his son didnt complain when she was kicking his feet but did complain about is picture not being as nice because the comment is "what really hurt him". Give me a f*cking break. I've been doing my part, trying to treat them equally and letting my daughter know when she's wrong but it has to be a two way street. Its not gonna work if he's not doing his part. He's so wrapped up in catching my daughter in action that he's too blind to see that his kid is as much a pain in the a$$ as mine is.

[kathy434]

I had a five year old son when my husband and I married.  He hadn't a clue about relating to my child.  He has a daughter about five or six years older than my son.  But try as he would with her, he didn't have much of a clue there either.  He always made excuses for her negative behavior, and attack me verbally when I told him she needed to be diciplined.  She lived with her mother and brothers and would visit us often.  Even there it wouldn't occur to him that he hadn't seen her for awhile, and I would have to tell him that he needed to see her this weekend or she is going to start feeling abondoned by him.  When it came to my son making mistakes, he really yelled at him.  I was always the peacemaker, and I was the one going crazy standing between them.

My husband has an explosive personality.  I am realizing now that his brothers also have explosive personalities.  They had to have learned this behavior growing up, but my husband and his sister claim there was no yelling and anger in their home.  Never the less, his mother hated my guts from the day he brought us home to meet them.  I was always good to her, but she was nasty to me.  I never refused my husband from seeing his mother or dad.  She hated me as she was dying.  So be it.

My husband's explosive temper was scarey and once he beat my son for a stupid stupid thing that I would never have laid a finger on him for.  He was about 10 years old then.  That was a turning point in my son's life.  He never loved my husband after that.  He also informed him that if he so much as touched him again, he would kill him.  My husband laughed.  But he never touched him again.  It also was a major turning point in me.  I witnessed the most horrific scene in our marriage, and I have never forgiven him for what he did to my child.

We had a new baby by then, and my husband controlled all the money.  Had I money, I would have packed up my children and drove back to my own state.  That would have been that.  I had no more feelings for my husband.  We continued to raise our family, and his daughter was included in our lives.  But my husband was forever regarded at arm's length.

Our children have all grown.  They are successful in their lives and careers.  But I can still hear to date, my son's anger and hatred toward my husband.  I let him vent.  He is nice to my husband and me, and we are tight as a family.  There is nothing my husband wouldn't do for him to help him, to make him happy.  The first time I ever saw real emotion coming from my husband that convinced me that he loved that child so, was when his boss had to drive him home from work after he heard on the news about a couple military planes that collided and all were killed.  Our son was supposed to be on one of those planes.  But God was taking care of him then.  He was given orders to fly another plane north, at the last minute.  Through his buddy, we learned that our son was OK.  We were a mess for quite a while.  I know now how deeply my son is loved by my husband and how respected, appreciated, and cared about and wanted he is in my husband's thoughts and heart.  I thank God for his intervention.

All of our children are now aware of his explosive temperment.  He has not changed despite my having changed a lot.  Today I put down my foot and draw the line.  But I use his temper to my advantage as well.  I know he has a difficult time making desicions.  He gets angry when I put him against the wall, forcing him to make a decision.  I don't hate him for this, I just understand that this is a problem he has and I have to use leverage to push him through his obstacles.  Our children know what I am up against, and they love me no matter.  I think they also love their Dad too, as children love their parents in an adult way.

But looking back, I know that I was the best person for disiplining the family.  I was very laid back and unruffled where as my husband was the opposite.  I would order my husband to let me handle the problem at hand, because, mentally, I knew he would only make an absolute mess of things, when a cool calm (although very upset I was) would make far better solutions to the issues.  Children learn very well through realizing what they have done has been wrong behavior, without being yelled at or hit or put down.  A silent tear in my eye has spoken volumes to my children.  They never repeated those behaviors.  Quietly taking away the car keys and telling my child to go to bed spoke volumes to that child.  My children respected me totally and knew not to cross me.

I hope this bit of my life experiences can be of some value to you and to other readers.  I am speaking from experience.

[kathy434]

I would also like to add, that 8 year old little girls are at a stage where they want constant attention.  They must be given a lot of positive attention but understand that a line must be drawn when you need her to find her own play.  Lots of hugs, whispering loving things in her ear, constantly telling her very positive messages about herself, spending time with her alone all helps to build her self esteem.  But a little girl at this age, will demand attention, whether she gets good attention or bad.  It is up to you to steer her energy in a positive direction, and to draw the line on her bahavior.

Being that your husband doesn't "get it" could be due to his own sense of insecurity with his sons.  I don't like a step parent having to take the position of parenting role when this is their father's job.  But if father won't step up to the plate, you need to step up and run the household.  If your husband has a problem with that then you remind him that he is abdicating his parenting role and you must fill this spot until he learns how to parent his sons as well as your daughters.  As a parent, he is not there to be liked as a friend.  He is there to be a parent and a good role model.  This requires dicipline.  His sons will respect him and be good kids, as well as boys, when your husband shows leadership in the family.

If he needs help on parenting skills, he can enroll in a parenting class, he can read books on parenting skills, and if he refuses to take these simple steps, then you are going to HAVE to take over this job and draw the line on how he is allowed to criticize you.  Also if he has a problem, you two are to separate yourselves from the kids and discuss it.  The children all hear your fighting words and when they are not good words they hurt the children.  You and your husband have GOT to STOP this behavior now.  The children are too young and inmature to be able to manage and put your words into proper context.  They feel they are the causes of your problems.  They are not.  Your communication with your husband and you are the problem.  If you take charge at home, and things don't improve, you and your husband need to get counseling.  If your husband refuses this too.  Get out with the children.

[Judy246]

Hi...I like you title "urthecrazy1"....All kids fight, argue, bicker, etc.,and it can make a household crazy and cause maritial problems if not taken care of, swifly, properly and equaly. If it's reaching a point where it's affecting your relationship, I would make very attempt to keep the boys with boy activities and your daughter active with her friends and activities for girls. Maybe, she just wants to play and the boy are at an age of hating girls, but it is causing problems with your relationship and you don't want your daughter to feel second best. It's important that your husband  treat your daughter as an equal to his kids Also, he doesn't know how to deal with a female child.  Find activities for your daughter, especially on weekends, but your husband has to be made aware how unsettling his words and behavior are to you and your daughter and he needs to deal with situations in a more constructive manner.  She is just a little girl, but it's up to both of you as mature adults not to take sides or show favoratizm.