HELP!! IM ADDICTED

[lotsofgrapes]

Hey Guys,
Ok i need help, is there such thing as addicted to your boyfriend? because i think i am addicted, my boyfriend and i have been dating for nearly 2 years now and i am addicted. I get mad if i dont see him everyday and upset and somtimes i start shaking and i try my best to stop him from going out! also i get mad if i see him talking to other girls even when he is working. also i have nightmares that he is cheating on me and wake up crying when i know he is not, i need to stop this but i dont know how to. i wish i could just say have a great time with your friends instead of arguing with him to make him stay home! also if he doesnt call me or email me everyday i get really mad and distraught over it, and im sooo scared of losing him because i feel like if i lose him i will lose my life with it because i would not be able to cope with out him. HELP ME PLEASE. PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE BEFORE ITS TO LATE I LOVE HIM!

[miserableme33]

I am in the same situation. We have been together for almost 4 years now. We get a long great, when we do get along and I am starting to realize we do get along when we do, because I do whatever makes him happy, not myself. Everything I do is to make him happy. I get upset anytime I can't see him, or if he doesn't text me, stop by, sleeps at his moms, takes forever to respond to me but responds to his friends quick and many other things. I use to mean sooo much to him but I have chased him away. We are still together but I'm not sure that we are together because of love. I think we are use to one another, addicited or afraid to be alone. Our relationship is going backwards, not forward. We went from living to together, to living apart. Nothing in "our" names, we don't use the words "we" anymore, it's him and I. He doesn't tell me he is tired and not coming over because he thinks I will get mad or get my feelings hurt, and I probably would and I don't tell him how I feel because we will just fight and break up. We have broken up at the least 20 times. Yes, I know. That's a lot of times, there's no hope there but I am trying. It is hard. He says he loves me and I love him. . .  I just know we aren't going to make it. It scares me. I'm not saying he is perfect, he has his faults in this, but I know I need help . Even if we don't make it, I still need the help. I still have a whole life in-front of me. I am 33 almost 34, in February and he is 39 going on 40 in February. He is divorced with 2 kids. He was married for almost 15 years. I keep telling myself that he is afraid to commit because he lost everything in his divorce which could be a reason but I am tired of being miserable more often than happy. Crying more than laughing. Having bad thoughts, fear of losing him, thinking he is lying to me, and the list could go on and on and on. I don't know where to go to get help. As much as I want to save this relationship, there is no saving it. What's done is done and besides, I don't want to get help and he bring me down again. I want to end this chapter in my life but I am afraid to lose him. Help me!

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  You've posted onto the end of an old post and if you'd like to talk about your situation or ask a question, you'll get more responses if you start your own question.  We are happy to support you and really, acknowledging there is a problem is the first step to making it better.  peace and luck

[Lell100]

I often feel so insecure. I feel I need to speak to my boyfriend and be with him an awful lot but I'm really trying to back back a bit and give him space because I don't want to loose him.

[baby297]

I love my boyfriend alot I want to be with him all the time I do not get upset I am ok when he does things with others but when it comes bed time I want him with me but some times I think im asking for to much I dont want to smother him I think I am going to back off I have a bad case of Mikeanitis please help  I dont think theres a cure not yet any way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jimbob33]

I love my partner so much but iam in a right state can't help but ring her and text here I want to be in her pocket if I could she's hit and bet my up on so many time  I can put up with that but its the mind games that get me the more badly she treats me the more I do to make her happy but I get no thanks she says that she don't want to be with me but sleeps with me and makes tea etc  says sees moveing away it drives me nut iam real not in a good place but she's my sole mate lost when she's not here no mates she said put me first  so i did number one I can't help but think of her morning noon and night  she knows this and started to go out last nought was the frist time she's not come back iam trying com down  but the things she has said has stuck I wish she would put me frist sat at window counting cars and going nuts that nuts that nuts the docs put me on citalopram diazepam   its not nice when if she's onto in my life I got on life messed up I love this woman but can't get here out my head she's always there

[Gennie23]

I understand where your coming from and feel your pain. It's really easy to give advice or quickly assume or judge someone for their behavior without even thinking twice before saying it. Because you have never, or necessarly have gone thru the same or similar situation to what she is going thru and likely you never will.  To illustrate, every soul is uniquely different and raised different. He or her will always experience or respond differently toward various situations what the world beholds for them. Meanwhile, causing them to behave a certain way when confronted with something or someone that are way beyond their sense of  control. For this reason, I can say that I can relate to her when it comes to her diverse behavior when it comes to the treatment of her boyfriend. However, to the root of her cause is unknown,and she is the only one that will truly know to the reason why she behaves this way. My root came from when I  was a child. I came from a broken home. I was constantly physicaly and emotionaly abused by mother. I was raised to believe that I came from a family that is well structured; due to the greatest discipline a mother can give to her child. However, I had structure, but I lacked control when it came to making my very own choices in life because everyone always made them for me. For instance,I can't even make a simple choice without getting the "ok"reassurence from my loved ones. Currently, I'm going thru the same situation with my boyfriend, but its not the control I have on him. Becuase in reality, Its the illusion of him making me think that I have control over him. Causing me to feel a sense of control, I could truly never have for myself when making choices. Therefore, I depend on him greatly to give me constant attention, so I can feel a sense of power. However, when I feel that he is straying away from me, I hold on to him with dear life. In other words, it is an addiction because my boyfriend listens to me and values my choices and causes me to feel in control of my own life. But if I feel threatned,  I loose control, and I'm back to zero again. Therefore, its not necessarly the conrol we have over someone its the control we lack in our own lives. Because in reality, if we had control over our own lives, we wouldn't be asking for advice in the very first place. We would just be like you(self controlled individual ) by throwing out comments by saying, "insecurity,obsession,ect..."when it came to giving someone advice.

[momeluv]

I was like that when i was in high school!  It was a miserable existence.  I was with him for 10 yrs.  I should have ended it long before I did.  It was a vicious cycle of neglect and abuse.  Then drugs and cheating and finally beatings!  Get out while you can.  It is a horrible existence.  Good luck!  God Bless

[tooMuch325]

CO-DEPENDENCY is a big issue. there are classes to help you with it like alcoholism, called CODA. try to find some in your area. and really concentrate on detachment. you will drive him away and alienate him with your clinginess, unfortunately. so do it NOW while you can show him you'll change. medidation really helps too, since you have a lot of anxiety and need to relax. take a step back and give him space, because this won't be able to continue forever. it's not called addiction, but it's like it. it's called co-dependency.

[katarina777]

I left you a comment on the other forum where you posted. i didn't realize there were comments here for you, and when I looked again after leaving the comment there were suddenly like 12.  (but that was some visual mistake on my part.)

At this point i am not sure what to advise you. this is not a simple problem you are dealing with. one thought that just came up for me, and I have not yet read all of the comments. This problem could be yours, right, but it could also come from him. there are some people who make others and who are vulnerable literally crazy, and I am serious. These guys are called 'narcissists'. I worked with a client years ago in counseling when i was still a student who had this problem;  your problem. He was also from England. i did not yet understand the dynamics then, but now i do.  again, I don't yet have enough information.

[Angel0786]

I understand how you feel completely! Bcuz I am the same way..I didn't used to be that way tho. I just feel like when I'm not with him some mysterious girl is going to come by and sweep him off his feet! Not to completely rule that out, but...that is ridiculous! He loves you, and you love him obviously.

I don't need to repeat all of the advice about him pushing you away or insecurity, control and self-esteem issues, but I think those are all issues that you may have.. seriously

I was  the same as you tho..I even check my boyfriends facebook, myspace and e-mail everyday!!   And always asked who was there when he went somewhere..esp. what girls..But I finally made myself just stop, and I decided that anytime he wants to do something, to go and start doing the things that I like to do.. Paint, Go for walks, go to the gym, and go to fitness classes offered at the gym, and spend more time doing HOBBIES!

I think when we get into a relationship, we sometimes forget that we are seperate people. We forget that we need to constantly be doing things that stimulate ourselves and personalities. We have a tendency to become even more obsessed when we "don't know" what our boyfriends are doing!   You are addicted to him. You need to slowly take yourself off of him in small doses, just like any other drug. Start letting him do things as long as u know it's a "just the guys" type of environment and then you will be forced to get yourself back. Then you won't be as worried about what he's doing, because you will be busy yourself. And he will love that you are being more independant!

[fireCrotch]

wow you're hella clingy and annoying! that is NOT OKAY! what if someone was doing that annoying **** to you? It seems like he's okay with it tho cuz men love to feel wanted...Just try to think before you react or say anything...
And you're not addicted you just don't want to be alone! This guy is probably not even all that friggin great you're just so used to him...

[Haremiliana]

Don't let his mom words bring you down I've been thru that, what you can do is whenever you feel like calling him try to do other things and put this in your heart: ' If I do this I'm gonna lose him one day' hopefully your urge to call him will be reduce to maybe once a day (I know is hard). Always think positive, good luck ...

[vsentz]

Well, moving to another country ....as much fun as it may sound....it could be a traumatic experience and you might need someone to help you (professional)....I had big time trouble when i moved to the US, and seeked help....unfortunately my problems didn't end there, and on top of the 'change' of everything, missing everyone and all that, we were dealing with financial issues (we lived with several people before we could even afford to rent a room), we had lack of understanding, dealt with my very ill daddy....far away from me....and while i was processing my papers, i couldn't go back home or they'd cancell the process...........and now recently just lost my first child.....
It has NOT been easy, and im sure it's not easy for you either....just try to talk to someone that knows this field more than us regular 'mortals' do, and ask for help.
Good luck to ya!

[Haremiliana]

One more thing, I was not only like you, but was like your boyfriend, one of my previous boyfriend was VERY POSSESSIVE, he would control me, I can't talk to any guys not even my male cousins, he would whistled and called my name below my window just to get my attention when I don't want to talk to him so much so until my neigbours were alerted, he nearly got into a fight when one of our schoolmate touched my shoulder, when I think about it I don't want my partner to feel the way I did, I try putting myself in the senario and feel the 'emotional pain' - try it you'll understand.  

[lotsofgrapes]

ye i understand he says he understands i have problems and he is trying to help me sort them as well as i am, like right now i havnt called him today as much as i want to but i will leave him alone as he is at a baseball game with family. also if he tells me he is home and is going back out im going to try my VERY hardest to just say have a nice time sweetie. and just be ok with it, i feel as if we have a strong relationship we have our fun times and laughs. i think i have moodswings too so im trying to learn to control them, because 1 mins i will b smiling the next i will b all mad over the tinyest thing so im going to try and stop that. i sit here and think about things and i do anything i can to make him happy, i get the feeling as if his parents dont like me. i act normal and nice around them but when im gone his mom ******* about me to my bf saying why dont you get rid of her, and things like that do you think that has anything to do with my self esteam??

[vsentz]

why don't you try to seek a professional to speak about this? maybe he'll help you.........otherwise you WILL lose that poor boyfriend of yours......

being possesive....not a good thing......

it sickens the person and the relationship over all....


Good luck

[anxiousmomtobe?]

This is not a healthy relationship.  I think you have serious control and self-esteem issues.  If I was that guy I would not want to be with you.  A healthy relationship makes both partners feel empowered.  If he has given you no reason to mistrust him and you continue this jealous behaviour he will boot you to the curb.  You cannot control another person, only yourself.

I know that is harsh, but if it was my son involved with a woman who was behaving this way I would be terrified for him.

[pertykitty]

you really should talk to your dr about this. you might be suffering from depression or having other imbalance issues. heck if i moved to another country id be the same way. im not a doc, but i think you just might need to talk to someone or some meds to help you out. just think if its that easy to fix, how great your relationship can become! and by the way, what mil doesnt have SOMETHING to say about us lol

[otot_mu_bahu]

you will loose him eventually, i assure you.

you're holding him bottlenecked.  that's too annoying...i don't think it's love, coz, if you really really love the person, you'll give him space and enjoy his life too.

i don't think, in my own opinion, that he enjoys being in your world with that kind of attitude you're showing him.  i think you're paranoid and totally obsessed with him.  

your relationship will eventually break down and if that happens, it is you that is to blame...

but you can salvage it still, just give him space and let him be on his on world.

Good luck

[marra]

hi , i think you could be depressed a bit , do you come from uk and moved to be with him ? do you have family close by ? i was depressed a felt the same as you , i thought he would leave me even when he went to work ! i started meds and i realized he would leave if i carried on .10 years later were married with 2 kids but he admits he would have gone if i was not sorted out . x x

[lotsofgrapes]

ye thanks, i think i am obsesed because i used to live in london and i didnt see him for 5 months and now i moved to USA, so i just want to see him everyday. even somtimes i dont want to see him but i have to because i feel weak if i dont. also when i cry about him going out it seems like i dont know what im doing because when he is out i regret doing it. and when he gets off the phone we say I love You and somtimes i have to call him back right away to say it again. i wish i can be normal.

[Haremiliana]

Believed or not I use to be like you not addicted but obsessed, I do feel insecure when he's not around moreover we were in a long distance relationship, he's from a neighbouring country and a naval personnel, his job require him to travel frequently - that's why we can't meet often (there was once I didn't meet him for four months and can't get thru him as he was sailing for 2 weeks or so). I called him everyday about few hours at a time (image how much was my phone bill - nearly $20G) Finally he gave up on our relationship, maybe he feel that I don't give him enough space to breath and was controling him. My advise is if you really care and love him try trust him and give him some room. All the best good luck.  

[pertykitty]

where do i begin,, addicted is not the word i would use. it sounds like you are very much insecure. you are not trusting. you have possibly control issues. i am not trying to be mean, but sweety you will lose him with this behavior. in a normal relationship people trust, they miss each other but are ok being seperate. they dont worry the other will run off with the first gal they see. is he verbally abusive to you or has someone in your past been? it sounds like your self esteem has been chipped away. take this to heart. you need to not worry about him, but look at yourself. why do you feel like you cant be away from him? why are you so jealous? look at yourself in the mirror and what do you see? has there been cheating in the past? i am in no way a professional in the relationship dept, but i have been through my share! if you can you could probably stand talking to a pro about your self image. why do you feel like your not good enough to keep him around? you know? men will NOT stay forever in a relationship where they are controlled, questioned, and manipulated. they will go elsewhere and id hate to see that happen. i really hope you get a wake up call and try to fix what is wrong inside with you, then the rest will come together.