HELP! My Boyfriend would rather watch porn then have sex with me!

[hazaroony]

Hi Guys - I am new to all this but after hours of searching and not finding any questions that represent my problem right now i have decided to ask you for some help.

I have been with my current boyfriend only 6 months - we have a good relationship and he is an amazing person. The only issue is we dont have much sex. He is 25 and i am 22. He has told me for many months that he has little desire for sex, something i excepted as part of the relationship. We can be together from Thurs to Mon without any intimacy. sometimes going a few weeks like this. He is fully aware this upsets me - as it makes me feel like its something wrong with me. I have even broke down in tears to him about it but always got the same answer. I origanally thought he might actually be gay, but when i mentioned it he seemed more concerned than i thought he would but assured me he found women attractive and not men. Recently i was on his home computer and found some Porn in his movie section - i laughed it off and he swore blind it wasnt his.

After a long discussion on Monday he confided in me that he does have sexual desires and masturbates quite frequently at home to porn. My issue with this is not the porn itself, i too have frequently watched it and believe it can be a good thing to enjoy together. I am not uptight about sex itself and have even told him i will try anything once. My problem is with him getting enjoyment from the actual porn and i feel i cannot compare to the women in these erotic videos.Its like he would rather do it himself than with me. If he watched porn but also had the desire to have sex with me i wouldnt be bothered, we could watch and enjoy it together. But that certainly isnt the case. I am not sure how often he does it but believe it could be quite a frequent thing and i have no doubt it wont be like the light porn i have seen but much heavier stuff.

He shows a lot of love in other ways too me and is very caring and respectful - but i have noticed his lack of respect for other women which i believe is because of what he sees on the films he is watching. I am worried he doesnt relise the damage he is doing to himself and any possible relationships he will have with women. Real women cannot compare to the women who are paid to do the kind of things that turns him on. He even said he enjoys it because he can have a different women each time. He has already had erictile disfunction with other women in the past - luckily enough it hasnt been with me yet. I know this problem will not get better and only worse unless he is prepared to do something about it.

Now here is the problem -  i have suffered with an eating disorder and although i am not completely better i am getting there. I have had bulimia for 2 years there abouts and when i met him it started to slowly lose its importance to me. But then when he didnt want any physical contact it started to take over my life - obviously i thought it was my fault he didnt want sex. I told him 3 months into the relationship about this. withiin a few weeks we together went to the doctors for help. Although i am still waiting for any professional help i have been getting better everyday. He hasnt really discussed it with me and i feel he doesnt really understand it. I never let it effect him and when i realised it was worrying him thats when i went for help. On my own, because of how much i cared for him i have managed to improve. He never witnessed the distress, or tantrums that come with an eating disorder and in my eyes i never let him suffer because of it. The only person suffering was me.

I believe he feels he has helped - which in many aspects unknown to him he probably has, just having someone in my life i want to be with has made me want to get better. But i think now he feels i should too help him - even though is problem is effecting me. He has known for 4 months that it upsets me but has done nothing about it. His issue is going to send me back to where it began. I am already not wanting to eat because of how i feel right now.

What do i do? Leave him on his own knowing this problem is going to be with him probably for the rest of his life, as he will have no reason to deal with it, and every possible realtionship may suffer because of it, or stay and help at the expense of my own health?

I think very highly of this man i am seeing - he is truly different to many men and can often make me feel like the most important thing iin the world. But after a long term relationship where the sex wasnt what it should be and neither was the relationship, i want this to be different, and in every other way it is. At the min i can't even speak to him because of the hurt i am feeling because of this. No one is perfect i know that, but in many other ways he is.

Any help would be much appreciated.

[Effierose]

I'm having a similar problem.  My bf of 4 years doesn't seem to be interested intimacy. During the first 3 years of our relationship our sex life was amazing,  sometimes overwhelming.  The last few months,  almost Nada.  He still puts in an effort occasionally... And lately highly unsuccessfully.  He will try to get me off... I fake it...which is something Ive never had to do with him before.  When it comes time for sex or when he thinks he has done his duty he will wait and then sneak off with his flesh light and watch porn for hours sometimes.  Why?  If he is putting in an effort at all,  why not the most intimate part? Makes me want to tell him not to bother,  honestly.  It also makes me feel very unwanted,  undesired,  and lonely.

[Gotquestions13]

How did it end up.. I would like to know because my situation is identical. If there's no future I need to end it.

[specialmom]

Well, good luck.  Every relationship is different and every person is different as well.  No one knows for sure how things will turn out.  I started my relationship out without an issue surfacing for over a year.  I would have probably walked had I been in your situation.  But I am very self protective.  I spent many  years dealing with unhappy couples plagued with problems as my career . . .  I didn't want to be one.  But every relationship has its pluses and minuses.  It is only for you to decide what you can live with.  Best of luck to you and I hope it works out!  

[hazaroony]

Thankyou for the response. I think a lot about this guy, he is so different to many men and i really would like to see our relationship develop. Its not been easy as you can tell from my post, i myself have issues that i have dealt with head on. Although he has supported me with mine, when he too could have said enough and walked away. As i am sure many people would have told him to if he had discussed it.

I dont think its as far as an addiction, i think it has been more a choice that he has subconciously made. He has put 2 and 2 together and realised this could be an issue and has decided to try to stop. Not only for me but for his own health, reading some posts from others on the same subject has opened his eyes to the long term damage of this behaviour. If it proves more than just a habit then i want to be able to support him. I have to atleast respect his honesty - how many other men would actually confess to something like this? Believe me he isnt stupid he is actually quite intelligant and i know the distress he did feel when talking about it.

Now i feel as though i have put too much pressure on the sex in the relationship and doing the alternative may seem more appealing as there isnt any pressure to perform. If he can stop this that he now knows upsets me, then i feel we could have a strong relationship together. Like i said in every other way its great, in every other way i feel loved and happy.

I dont want a relationship built on sex - i know its not the foundations for a long term relationship, but i find this guy so attractive it makes me want all the more. Its not even that i find sex that pleasurable, i enjoy the closeness that it brings and the special bond only you have with them (or at least you certainly would hope!)

I know the communication is not what it could be - we are still getting to know each other at the min. I do think that things like this will go one of 2 ways - either make you closer by dealing with it together or push each other away.
I do however trust him completely - which isnt something i do easily!!!

Dont worry i havent brushed of your advice - i knew when i posted i probably would get some replies saying leave him! I myself would probably say the same. But sometimes i think people deserve a chance. its the first real problem, between us, and if he was anythinig other than amazing i'd be gone without a second look. Talking definately sounds good though....

[Judy246]

Amen teko, once again, agree with you 100%. also, I meant "addiction" not addition.

[teko]

I can sum this up in just a few sentences. If you are in a relationship with some one and they put anyone or anything in front of your happiness and your relationship, you in all reality do not have the relationship that is going to last forever. In fact, as long as you are in a dysfunctional relationship, it will continually be nothing but drama, frustration, anger and leaving you with feelings of inadequacy. You have a choice here to continue the drama or move on. It really just depends on how much you want to go thru before walking.

[Judy246]

He's 25 yrs. old and not interested in sex and you accepted this? Something is definately wrong here. If he is masterbating to porn, he is being satisfied by his fantasy's and could possibly have an addition that needs to be addressed and confronted. If this is bothering you then yes, it is a problem.

Trust and communication are key to every relationship. It's time to find the time to sit down with him to "discuss" your concern, needs not being met, support and concern on his possibly addition to porn. Also, ask him what is HE going to do to resolve your needs not been met and how can you both resolve any issues on the relationship. Throw shyness right out the window and confront this without fears on his response. He can't satisfy you, because he has been satisfied by the porn, so there is a problem. Please consider inviting him to counseling if need be, but something has to give in order to solve your relationship issues.

[specialmom]

I think you should leave him.  Here is why. . .  to be with someone long term, you don't want to start the relationship off with the need to "fix" something.  This is a pretty big fix too.  You have virtually no sex life with him after only 6 months.  This will not get better as you are in the hot and heavy time of dating.  We date so that we can learn what we need to know about a partner to see if we should move the relationship forward.  You've learned enough for me to say no.  You should end it.  He would rather watch porn than be sexual with you.  You do not see that as a major problem?  If your man was using drugs or an alcoholic, I'd say the same thing to you.  Your man is doing something that causes harm to his significant other.  And it is an incredible long road to getting over that.  I am much more into self protection and a healthy relationship that I wouldn't do this to myself.  Find a healthier guy.  And if he triggers your bulemia with this---------  even more reason to leave.  Anyway, I go back to my initial sentence--------  starting a relationship off with something major that you have to "fix" does not bode well for the future.  good luck