HOW CAN I LEAVE MY HUSBAND WITHOUT HURTING HIM

I have been in a realationship with a man who is 20 years older than me for about 12 years married 5 out of those 12 years. i began this realationship when i was 17 and he was 36 and now i am 29 and him 48. The realationship we once had has dwindled down to a championship. we have sex once every 3 months and i feel very trapped.please help

[RockRose]

You can't leave him without hurting him,  the two go together.  

It's kind of telling that at 36,  he would choose to date a girl instead of a woman,  and it's probably that when you grew up into a woman you are much more mature than he is,  and so the two of you aren't a match the way you were when he was a man and you were a girl.  

[idesofmarch]

You have not only grown up but you have changed too.  Everybody does.  True love changes too.  It is not always a honeymoon. Try remembering what you liked about him and start dating him again.  If he is open to hear your feelings it would healthy to talk things through. All marriages have dull times, you just have to see if the cause is normal everyday stuff or if there's something that needs to be addressed. Couseling should come before leaving.  Remember FOR BETTER FOR WORSE TIL DEATH DO US PART.  The only real reason to leave is abuse of any kind.

[RockRose]

Ides - I really have to disagree that the only reason to leave is abuse.

Who knows why there wasn't anyone in this girl's family to run the middle aged man off when he came calling,  some families are just weird or actually absent.

A 17 year old high school girl has no business being persued by a middle aged man,  (36 is middle aged,  do the math!.  ;D)  and the fact that no one ran him off and shook some sense into her isn't really her fault.

There's some value in realizing you've made a mistake,  especially if there aren't children involved.

[Trialanderror]

If you want to hurt his feeling as little as possible, skip mentioning the lack of sex as a reason. It may just trigger a wave of promises and accusations. Just tell him that you need to move on - he must be aware of having "robbed" you of your late teens and twens and might have expected you to feel trapped eventually. I found that either very insecure or very manipulative older men seek out very young girls as partners because - aside from showing them off - some do prefer to mold the girls the way they want them which they can only do because the girl has no comparison. It may all be different in your case but it does always make my hair stand up if I hear of relationships like that. Your turn to think of yourself now.

[AnotherKatie]

Be aware that hurt can sometimes morph into... hatred.  
If you were 17 and he was 36 I would guess he has issues...such as control issues?  You can get "untrapped" but you must have a plan, don't just wing it.  
Get your finances protected and get a good lawyer.  
Good luck.

[krista]

...I think he's controlling.  Its great when your 17 and suddenly an older man wants you, and wants to date you...however there is a reason why this 36  year old man, isn't with a 36 year old woman.  What's that reason?... possibly that 17 year olds are needing that mature older person...as long as its not their parent (been there). When I was 20, a 37 year old man wanted to be with me...but it wasn't that he loved me...he just wanted to be with a 20 year old....not saying that's your case, but I know how easy it is to be taken aback by an older man.  

Your now 12 years older, have a much different perspective on life, and are maybe feeling a bit jipped of your younger years in the dating game.  I agree with the previous post, tell him how your feeling, and if he's understanding about it, he'll let you date him again, take things slow and hopefully work with you to get that spark back in the marriage.  No, age difference isn't a HUGE deal...but personalities differences are.  If he really cared about you, and wanted to make this marriage work...then he'd work with you.  

Don't just leave because you're both older now, and that spark is gone...it might just need a little work.  For your question, obviously leaving him is going to hurt him...but don't leave until you know that there isn't anything left to stay for.

[bklynn]

Thanks for all your feedback, now let me tell you a little more. I am currently living in a house that i bought with my mother in law stepson and his girlfriend. My husband is now unable to work because of medical problems. Even though everyone contributes to the house finances i am still the sole provider. I feel like i bought a home for everyone else to live in because i have to fight with my mother in law just to make dinner. I travel alot and i feel like when i get home i have to ask where everything in my house is.I have grown extremly depressed and withdrawn and my job seems to be suffering what can i do.

[AnotherKatie]

Well, that sounds unpleasant to say the least!  Whose name is on the title of the house?  I suppose you feel guilty because your husband has medical problems?  Sounds to me like you need some counselling perhaps, because you are dealing with multiple issues.  How did it get to this point?  Are you a bit of a push over?  I feel sorry for you but.... I'd still get a lawyer!  You have a lot of work to do if you want to get out from under all of this, but, it can be done if you are strong enough and you truly want to effect some changes in your life!  Have you told them how you feel?  Don't blow your job because of a bunch of leeches!!!!
Best wishes
PS  maybe let the MIL cook, hey better her than you! LOL  (unless you LIKE cooking!)  Pick your battles, you know?....