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Having an affair and feel bad...
I am a 33 year old wife and mother. I have been very depressed for a long time and have needed "something" in my life to pick me up and make me feel good. My husband doesn't understand me (yes I know that is cliche) and is very unsympathetic to me. Our sex life had also gone to heck...it was really just very boring.
Well....I met a guy online quite by accident and we got to talking. It turns out he is a very sweet, intelligent guy and the ideal partner for me in many respects. We are very well-matched sexually (though we haven't had sex, we want the same things and are very physically attracted to eachother) and want the same things in a relationship, have many similar interests, etc. The problems with him are that he lives with a woman for convenience sake (he is 39 and she is 55 and he is just staying there because he has bad credit and owes her some money - I am assuming he could not be self-supporting or else he'd be living on his own). He claims he doesn't have sex with this woman, they have separate bedrooms and separate lives but he can't say "I love you" on the phone in her presence. Well, he wants me to divorce my husband and marry him (he is planning on getting 2 more jobs besides the one he has now to make this happen). He is a blue-collar worker and I have a professional degree and am getting another one but don't work right now. My husband is a more responsible guy, but not much more so....he has a college degree but follows "pipe dreams" of starting his own business that never pan out, won't get a "regular job" and we are in debt and poor despite our good educations.
I have been tempted to sleep with this new guy and possibly even to leave my husband for him, but I have some major reservations. I don't know if our very dissimilar backgrounds could "mesh," he is a needy person (emotionally and monetarily too, I guess since he is living with this woman for convenience and money) and he had a previous relationship with a woman he met on a swingers chat room which raises all KINDS of red flags since swinging is out of the question for me - my husband must be a one-woman man, PERIOD. The only advantages to this relationship are fun fantasy sex talk between us, some minor kissing and making out on occasion when I can get away and the excitement of thinking he "loves" me and thinks about me all the time.
What do you all make of my situation and what should I do? Try to patch it up with the husband (fix our sex life, make him be more attentive to me and get a JOB!!!) or go with the boyfriend? I feel a LOT of guilt about the boyfriend and it's against my morals and religious beliefs but I can't seem to break it off with him - partially because I am afraid he would stalk me or blackmail me in some way (yes, he is that type).
Sadie
Well....I met a guy online quite by accident and we got to talking. It turns out he is a very sweet, intelligent guy and the ideal partner for me in many respects. We are very well-matched sexually (though we haven't had sex, we want the same things and are very physically attracted to eachother) and want the same things in a relationship, have many similar interests, etc. The problems with him are that he lives with a woman for convenience sake (he is 39 and she is 55 and he is just staying there because he has bad credit and owes her some money - I am assuming he could not be self-supporting or else he'd be living on his own). He claims he doesn't have sex with this woman, they have separate bedrooms and separate lives but he can't say "I love you" on the phone in her presence. Well, he wants me to divorce my husband and marry him (he is planning on getting 2 more jobs besides the one he has now to make this happen). He is a blue-collar worker and I have a professional degree and am getting another one but don't work right now. My husband is a more responsible guy, but not much more so....he has a college degree but follows "pipe dreams" of starting his own business that never pan out, won't get a "regular job" and we are in debt and poor despite our good educations.
I have been tempted to sleep with this new guy and possibly even to leave my husband for him, but I have some major reservations. I don't know if our very dissimilar backgrounds could "mesh," he is a needy person (emotionally and monetarily too, I guess since he is living with this woman for convenience and money) and he had a previous relationship with a woman he met on a swingers chat room which raises all KINDS of red flags since swinging is out of the question for me - my husband must be a one-woman man, PERIOD. The only advantages to this relationship are fun fantasy sex talk between us, some minor kissing and making out on occasion when I can get away and the excitement of thinking he "loves" me and thinks about me all the time.
What do you all make of my situation and what should I do? Try to patch it up with the husband (fix our sex life, make him be more attentive to me and get a JOB!!!) or go with the boyfriend? I feel a LOT of guilt about the boyfriend and it's against my morals and religious beliefs but I can't seem to break it off with him - partially because I am afraid he would stalk me or blackmail me in some way (yes, he is that type).
Sadie
Karma, big believer in it! I have been on bothsides of the fence. My husband has cheated on me before and I thought I would never feel so bad. But, I went too far one night with someone I cared about's husband and the look on her face was almost just as bad. You and your husband need to talk. The grass isn't always greener on the otherside. New things are exciting. And frankly you are not having to deal with the little annoyances with a boyfriend you do with a husband (money, dirty house, watching the kids). Just becareful and think about what you are doing. If you are really unhappy you own it to your husband and yourself to be honest about it and make your decision from there. It so sucks to be ignored and unloved but it really sucks to be betrayed by your partner!
Wow, am I the only one that from what I have read that you have never even met the internet guy? Is the so called internet boyfriend real or do you know? I for one would not trust anyone that I met on the internet that was telling you everything you want to hear. I would suggest that you need to try and work on your marriage or work your way through a divorce before you even consider trying to meet someone. I do believe that the internet can be a great place to meet people, but it can also be a place where some really bad people that can harm you.
If your husband is abusive, then leave him, but I a new man is not necessarily what you need, you may just be feeling needy, and he is just there, and maybe not the best thing for you.
Good for you sexysadie. El Husband needs to understand that physical abuse and verbal abuse won't float. He's got some problems that he needs counseling for. If he can't straighten his act out you should definitely move yourself and your kids out of a bad situation.
Give counseling a try. I feel that if two people want to salvage something that was once good they ought to be rationale enough to give whatever medicine is needed a good hard effort. Many people think counseling is for "those people" when in reality it is for "we people" (I'm not a counselor so that's no commercial).
Best of luck to you (I'll still be picturing boyfriend as a cross between Rev. Jim adn Chazz however :=)
Give counseling a try. I feel that if two people want to salvage something that was once good they ought to be rationale enough to give whatever medicine is needed a good hard effort. Many people think counseling is for "those people" when in reality it is for "we people" (I'm not a counselor so that's no commercial).
Best of luck to you (I'll still be picturing boyfriend as a cross between Rev. Jim adn Chazz however :=)
You are funny! :) No, he doesn't look like Rev. Jim from Taxi, that is pretty scary. He is actually a good looking guy, maybe that's why he was able to find some older lady to keep him up. I have decided to break it off with him and am going to do so today. Thanks everyone for your advice. My anger towards my husband is very real, for his past physical and current verbal abuse, for his constantly quitting/being fired from jobs, etc. I don't pick winners, folks, but he IS my husband and I DO love him and I also agree kids need mom and dad. If I went with the boyfriend, it would be SSDD, more problems and probably worse ones. I'm going to try to work on the marriage and if the boyfriend kills himself, well it's not my fault.
Boyfriend sounds like a treat. If he is your soul mate as you have suggested maybe you ought to take a good look at yourself and consider what the reflection of your soul mate says about you. Seriously, he sounds kind of pathetic.
You - on the other hand - are a smart woman who is in a rut with the marriage. Boyfriend is only a fantasy which might be fun to fantasize about but I suspect reality with Mr. No Money might not measure up. You sound like a big girl with big responsibilities in a bad situation. He sounds like Chaz Reingold from the "Wedding Crashers" living at home and yelling for meatloaf from his mommy. If you go with boyfriend expect worse because the sex wears off after a bit and then you'll be stuck pondering the wreckage of your life. Bad scenario.
Forget boy toy (remember the commercial of the old lady who wanted the young hunk to trim her toe nails? That's what I see with him only I also curiously see that he looks like Jim from "Taxi").
If you're going to leave your marriage do it because you have swung at every pitch to make the marriage work. After you've done that and there's still no juice in the batteries, then go back and swing some more. You have kids and kids need mom's and dad's in stable homes to grow-up to be good mom's and dad's building stable homes.
But, if it won't work then end it without the distraction of wanting to sleep with the gardener. End it because you gave 150% and it just won't fly. Then take a year to yourself to unwind your brain and help your kids get adjusted (and by a vibrator for the other stuff).
You - on the other hand - are a smart woman who is in a rut with the marriage. Boyfriend is only a fantasy which might be fun to fantasize about but I suspect reality with Mr. No Money might not measure up. You sound like a big girl with big responsibilities in a bad situation. He sounds like Chaz Reingold from the "Wedding Crashers" living at home and yelling for meatloaf from his mommy. If you go with boyfriend expect worse because the sex wears off after a bit and then you'll be stuck pondering the wreckage of your life. Bad scenario.
Forget boy toy (remember the commercial of the old lady who wanted the young hunk to trim her toe nails? That's what I see with him only I also curiously see that he looks like Jim from "Taxi").
If you're going to leave your marriage do it because you have swung at every pitch to make the marriage work. After you've done that and there's still no juice in the batteries, then go back and swing some more. You have kids and kids need mom's and dad's in stable homes to grow-up to be good mom's and dad's building stable homes.
But, if it won't work then end it without the distraction of wanting to sleep with the gardener. End it because you gave 150% and it just won't fly. Then take a year to yourself to unwind your brain and help your kids get adjusted (and by a vibrator for the other stuff).
I don't think you ever really had the intention of going with the boyfriend. You're doing it to get back at your husband. You are very angry at him. I think you will have to get over that anger before you can really patch it up with him though.
The reason I don't think you are into the boyfriend is because you haven't slept with him - you don't even trust him! You do seem to like the attention and you really need to feel wanted. However, this is all about you and your husband. Dump the boyfriend, go talk to your husband, and if you're pissed, tell him how you feel and why. Good luck!
The reason I don't think you are into the boyfriend is because you haven't slept with him - you don't even trust him! You do seem to like the attention and you really need to feel wanted. However, this is all about you and your husband. Dump the boyfriend, go talk to your husband, and if you're pissed, tell him how you feel and why. Good luck!
sadie - i am not going to give you any advice as it seems to me you have already made up you're mind about what you are going to do. it also seems as though you had you're mind made up before you even posted. this leaves me wondering why ou even posted in the first place. did you think people were going to back you up? say "yea sure - cheat on your husband!". i'm sorry - but when you post on forums such as these - you are asking fir ADVICE and opening yourself up to a worldwind of opinions, like them or not. whether you did or didn't agree with teko's advice, you can't tell her to "butt out", because YOU invited her, and her opinion, in. hope you find what you're looking for.
I'm glad you've been completely honest with your husband. you'd be surprised how far that may take you.
Yes, counselling would probably help but if you can't go to it that's not saying your marriage is doomed.
I suggest that now that you two are openly talking that you set aside some time each day to do just that - talk! No kids around (although probably easier said than done) but they can learn that it's mommy and daddy time and you will be with them in a bit.
My parents used to go out onto the deck and talk (with the sliding glass door closed) and I remember seeing them do this as young as 6 or 7 I think and we respected their boundary.
Good communication is the cornerstone it builds committment, trust, love and even a good sex life. You have to work on that first before anything else will improve. As far as any abuse - that is not acceptable and you need make that known - I personally wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship but if he is willing to work on it there may be hope. I suggest anger management for him , abuse is generally not about hurting the other person but being able to control someone. And you can find free support groups for that maybe even for the two of you if you look around.
Ditch the boyfriend, him threating to kill himself is merely a ploy to guilt you into staying around. He's real winner isn't he - so sad. And no it's NOT your problem you have made a choice and he has to accept that. Cut off all contact if you are committed to making it work with your husband. Slow healer is right the grass always seems greener - but when you get to the other side it turns brown more often then not.
Yes, counselling would probably help but if you can't go to it that's not saying your marriage is doomed.
I suggest that now that you two are openly talking that you set aside some time each day to do just that - talk! No kids around (although probably easier said than done) but they can learn that it's mommy and daddy time and you will be with them in a bit.
My parents used to go out onto the deck and talk (with the sliding glass door closed) and I remember seeing them do this as young as 6 or 7 I think and we respected their boundary.
Good communication is the cornerstone it builds committment, trust, love and even a good sex life. You have to work on that first before anything else will improve. As far as any abuse - that is not acceptable and you need make that known - I personally wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship but if he is willing to work on it there may be hope. I suggest anger management for him , abuse is generally not about hurting the other person but being able to control someone. And you can find free support groups for that maybe even for the two of you if you look around.
Ditch the boyfriend, him threating to kill himself is merely a ploy to guilt you into staying around. He's real winner isn't he - so sad. And no it's NOT your problem you have made a choice and he has to accept that. Cut off all contact if you are committed to making it work with your husband. Slow healer is right the grass always seems greener - but when you get to the other side it turns brown more often then not.
sexysadie, your situation does not sound easy. But I would recommend that if you're going to leave your husband, do it for yourself and not another man. Especially in your shoes, the grass can look so green on the other side. Don't pin all your hopes for happiness on this one person (who obviously has a fast-moving history). You'll set yourself up for disaster if you do.
I agree with the other posters - it sounds like the boyfriend is playing on your emotions. You're educated and motivated from the sounds of it - a smooth transition for him from one woman to the next. No offense, but the kind of guys who go after married women are not the respectable kind. If you're going to start another relationship, you deserve much better than that.
How old are your kids? Have you thought about divorce before? Have you looked into what a divorce would entail? IMO adding another person to your relationship troubles will only complicate things - not make it better. Think about what you *really* need to do for yourself before acting on desire (although easier said than done).
I agree with the other posters - it sounds like the boyfriend is playing on your emotions. You're educated and motivated from the sounds of it - a smooth transition for him from one woman to the next. No offense, but the kind of guys who go after married women are not the respectable kind. If you're going to start another relationship, you deserve much better than that.
How old are your kids? Have you thought about divorce before? Have you looked into what a divorce would entail? IMO adding another person to your relationship troubles will only complicate things - not make it better. Think about what you *really* need to do for yourself before acting on desire (although easier said than done).
PLUS...you have NO idea, really if you've ever been cheated on. Your husband may have been doing it behind your back your whole life, who knows? And YES, I have been scared of my husband in the past - have you ever had to wear bruises to work and explain them away? I HAVE!! You really think you know so much, but trust me, you don't know much of anything as it sounds.
Thanks for your advice, it is well-taken. Also, thanks for using multi-level marketing-related cliches on me (big-girl panties). Trust me, I know what to do about this situation and EVERYONE (yes, even you!!) makes mistakes. Now, butt out.
I have now been totally honest with him about how hurtful he has been in the past (he has been verbally, emotionally and even physically abusive to me in the past) and how unsupported I feel, how bored I am sexually. We are working on it though like I said we can't afford marital counseling and don't have insurance (husband quit good job to start business that failed). I guess I have made my decision already - the boyfriend is going. I am just trying to do "damage control" to ensure he doesn't stalk or kill me. He told me he'd kill himself if I left him but I guess I can't really be responsible for that.
The boyfriend is catering to all your fantasies and needs that you aren't getting with your husband. OF COURSE he seems perfect and it sounds better. How long do you think that will last? A month, 5 months, a year tops! That's fantasy land, new beginnings new relationships ALWAYS feel that way in the beginning and when the lust clears you're left with reality.
LISTEN to your own words those "red flags" are BIG SIGNS.
If you love your hubby as you say you do and never have tried working on the relationship how can you possibly know that it won't work? I mean you have to give it a chance. Have you really sat down and let your husband know your true feelings. ALL Your feelings? If not then you owe it to the marriage to do so. Men are most often blind and cannot read feelings like us women can. He probably has NO IDEA how you feel.
You need to widely open up the communication lines between you and your husband and see what happens. This boyfriend is not good news from what you've said. If you left your husband for him, how long do you think that loving talk would continue - forever I bet - that's lust talking and infatuation. I guarentee you it won't continue as it is now. Every relationship fades from time to time and then you'll be stuck feeling the same feelings you have right now in your current state. Or totally worse - he will end up using you as he is using the woman he lives with now. That's how he is and who he is, why is he saying he will get 2 more jobs to make it work with you? Has he actually gone out and done that?! I doubt he will if he hasn't already. He should be doing that to better his own situation and life - he's feeding your head with the ideal not reality.
Be totally honest with your husband, he may be hurt but at least he will know how you feel and he may have some feelings to share as well.
LISTEN to your own words those "red flags" are BIG SIGNS.
If you love your hubby as you say you do and never have tried working on the relationship how can you possibly know that it won't work? I mean you have to give it a chance. Have you really sat down and let your husband know your true feelings. ALL Your feelings? If not then you owe it to the marriage to do so. Men are most often blind and cannot read feelings like us women can. He probably has NO IDEA how you feel.
You need to widely open up the communication lines between you and your husband and see what happens. This boyfriend is not good news from what you've said. If you left your husband for him, how long do you think that loving talk would continue - forever I bet - that's lust talking and infatuation. I guarentee you it won't continue as it is now. Every relationship fades from time to time and then you'll be stuck feeling the same feelings you have right now in your current state. Or totally worse - he will end up using you as he is using the woman he lives with now. That's how he is and who he is, why is he saying he will get 2 more jobs to make it work with you? Has he actually gone out and done that?! I doubt he will if he hasn't already. He should be doing that to better his own situation and life - he's feeding your head with the ideal not reality.
Be totally honest with your husband, he may be hurt but at least he will know how you feel and he may have some feelings to share as well.
You have no idea what I've been through with my husband - the cruelty, name-calling, not appreciating anything I do, threatening divorce over minor issues, physical abuse (yes, he has done it in the past). Don't pre-judge until you have walked in my shoes. I realize you have probably just been cheated on...probably shows what kind of woman you are that can't keep a man. Oh well....
My husband and I have never really tried to work out our problems until about a week ago when he found emails between me and the boyfriend saying how I felt so unloved, was bored sexually, etc. He then decided he'd better do something and fast so he apologized for being a jerk to me, promised to change, and has really been doing better. I do love my husband and want to put the fire back in our relationship but I have gotten so sexually attracted to this other man I picture him when I'm with my husband. We can't afford marriage counseling right now so are trying to mend it on "our own." To tell you the truth, I'd LOVE to break off with the boyfriend, there are just too many red flags and I DO love my husband. I just feel like he gives me the loving talk I so desperately need right now but it's not fair to him, me or my husband to continue this, I guess.
NOTE: Third line starting at the bottom, should be a with bottom second line and should read, "I don't know you but I am sure this is not the kind of guy you want to be with. and he doesn't sound like someone I would want to get involved with".
Quite frankly, I think the 'boyfriend' is playing on your emotions.
He has nothing to offer you save and except a listening ear. And the listening ear is because he's hoping to get something out of talking to you.
You are in a vulnerable state right now, so, try your best not to allow anyone to take advantage of your vulnerablity. If this guy is living with a 55 year old woman because she's able to support him, wouldn't he do the same thing to you? He's BAGGAGE that you SHOULD NOT take on.
Sure, for now he's making you feel like the world, like a 'goddess' and like you are the only one he wants. But remember, some men and of course women, would say ANYTHING to get what they want.
I do not know how many times you and your husband have made attempts to work out your problems, but I would suggest you trying doing it again. Find creative ideas how to bring the fire back in your relationship. If you know DEEP in your heart that you are no longer in love with your husband, then it's time to call it quits. It makes no sense staying in a loveless relationship.
and he doesn't sound like someone I would want to get involved with.
I don't know you but I am sure this is not the kind of guy you want to be with.
Hope you make the right decision....
He has nothing to offer you save and except a listening ear. And the listening ear is because he's hoping to get something out of talking to you.
You are in a vulnerable state right now, so, try your best not to allow anyone to take advantage of your vulnerablity. If this guy is living with a 55 year old woman because she's able to support him, wouldn't he do the same thing to you? He's BAGGAGE that you SHOULD NOT take on.
Sure, for now he's making you feel like the world, like a 'goddess' and like you are the only one he wants. But remember, some men and of course women, would say ANYTHING to get what they want.
I do not know how many times you and your husband have made attempts to work out your problems, but I would suggest you trying doing it again. Find creative ideas how to bring the fire back in your relationship. If you know DEEP in your heart that you are no longer in love with your husband, then it's time to call it quits. It makes no sense staying in a loveless relationship.
and he doesn't sound like someone I would want to get involved with.
I don't know you but I am sure this is not the kind of guy you want to be with.
Hope you make the right decision....
I can't lie...the boyfriend talks to me in ways I NEED desperately. He tells me I'm beautiful, smart, perfect, his goddess, what he's been seeking all his life, he is not worthy of me, etc., etc. I wonder if he is feeding me lines or really feels this way and i"m not sure it would make a difference even if he did feel like that. I have a 7 year marriage with my husband and I don't want to scrap that hastily, hurt our kids and go into a relationship with some irresponsible guy who is into group sex (he swears that was just a fluke in his life and his a monogamous, one-woman type of guy who would put me on a pedestal and cater to my EVERY sexual need for life, never being with another woman.
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