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He Tells Me The Spark/Chemistry is Gone
We are both 23, college graduates, and law school bound.
After nearly 6 years of dating, my boyfriend tells me he no longer feels the same way he did before. He says he loves me, but is not "in love" with me anymore. He says I will always be his best friend. He states the spark/chemistry is no longer there. What aches the most is that he keeps telling me that he does not want to be in a relationship at the moment. I ask him, actually beg him, to give Us another chance...maybe there's a way we can nurture our relationship back to what it used to be. I asked him if he thought time is what he needed or if he felt like it was over altogether. His response is that he doesn't think that time will help the situation, and that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. He says he has moved on. He wants out. I keep telling myself that it's just a phase...I felt like this before but deep down I always knew I wanted to be w/ him. I don't know what to do and/or how to cope or begin healing. I keep texting him because it makes me feel good. I ask him to call me because I feel like I need to hear his voice until I can purge it out of my system. Part of me keeps hoping that he will realize it's all a mistake and he'll come back..the other half tells me to just give up. If I let him go, if he's due to come back, when is that supposed to happen? I don't know what to do? Is this a hopeless cause? I never saw this coming. Until now we have always done everything together. I feel that the fact that he's going to law school this coming fall, and I'm not going until the follwing fall, has somewhat driven us apart. By the way, he assures me there's no one else and i wholeheartly believe him. He's never done me wrong.
Help.....any suggestions/advice is much appreciated.
After nearly 6 years of dating, my boyfriend tells me he no longer feels the same way he did before. He says he loves me, but is not "in love" with me anymore. He says I will always be his best friend. He states the spark/chemistry is no longer there. What aches the most is that he keeps telling me that he does not want to be in a relationship at the moment. I ask him, actually beg him, to give Us another chance...maybe there's a way we can nurture our relationship back to what it used to be. I asked him if he thought time is what he needed or if he felt like it was over altogether. His response is that he doesn't think that time will help the situation, and that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. He says he has moved on. He wants out. I keep telling myself that it's just a phase...I felt like this before but deep down I always knew I wanted to be w/ him. I don't know what to do and/or how to cope or begin healing. I keep texting him because it makes me feel good. I ask him to call me because I feel like I need to hear his voice until I can purge it out of my system. Part of me keeps hoping that he will realize it's all a mistake and he'll come back..the other half tells me to just give up. If I let him go, if he's due to come back, when is that supposed to happen? I don't know what to do? Is this a hopeless cause? I never saw this coming. Until now we have always done everything together. I feel that the fact that he's going to law school this coming fall, and I'm not going until the follwing fall, has somewhat driven us apart. By the way, he assures me there's no one else and i wholeheartly believe him. He's never done me wrong.
Help.....any suggestions/advice is much appreciated.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I remember the pain of losing my first love. It's very difficult to go through but time heals all wounds. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that there is still a chance because honestly, I don't know and that would be giving you false hope. It sounds like you both are quite young and he's probably going through some phase where he wants to see what else is out there. He's being honest at least and not stringing you along or doing things behind your back that could certainly be hurtful and destructive. I think it would be best for the two of you to take a break and explore life without each other. Even though it hurts, it will be the best for you in the long run. Sometimes with young relationships, we wrap our world around the other person and forget about ourselves. We lose our identity, and we really don't have much growth without getting to know ourselves. When my first love and I split, I was grieving so hard but I soon started a job and made some wonderful friends who I'm still close to even now 10 years later. We went out, went on vacations and just lived life. Sure I missed my ex but I looked back after I was over him and realized that I never had any friends of my own, my friends were his friends and I just surrounded myself with him. When we broke up, I was so distraut because my life revolved around him and that's why I took it so much harder. Your ex may realize that he still loves you and misses you and wants to be with you again, or he may not. Use this time to see what's out there and try your hardest not to call him. You will only hurt even more if he's cold to you or if he's seeing someone else. Good luck.
I would not give up hope at all. You guys have been together since you are 17 and right now he is saying the spark is gone but not until he no longer has you in his life will he realize what he wants and lots of times men don't know what they want until they lose what they had. That can go for women too.
What I would do is not call him.
Let him call you and when he does, be strong and always say you are in the middle of doing something or on your way out to dinner(don't say with a friend or date, let him wonder) and that you don't have time to talk.
He needs to realize that what he has done can be permanent in that you might not want him back as you do at this moment.
IF he starts to feel he may have made a mistake and at the same time he thinks you have accepted it and that you are moving on with your life, that will cause some anxiety in his life in that he will know it either to say lets re- think this or he will have to take the chance in losing you to someone else.
Give him his space. I would not be letting him "hear your voice" on the phone, that will keep him from "missing you." And he will miss hearing your voice. He just doesn't know it yet.
Many people have used that worn out phrase "I'm not in love, but love you" and have wound up finding out they still were IN love.
Hang in there. Be strong and try your hardest to stay away. Let him "miss you." Give him time. If its meant to be he will call you and tell you he is not happy without you in his life. Only time will tell. And remember, guys go thru phases just like women.
I wish you the best,
MO
What I would do is not call him.
Let him call you and when he does, be strong and always say you are in the middle of doing something or on your way out to dinner(don't say with a friend or date, let him wonder) and that you don't have time to talk.
He needs to realize that what he has done can be permanent in that you might not want him back as you do at this moment.
IF he starts to feel he may have made a mistake and at the same time he thinks you have accepted it and that you are moving on with your life, that will cause some anxiety in his life in that he will know it either to say lets re- think this or he will have to take the chance in losing you to someone else.
Give him his space. I would not be letting him "hear your voice" on the phone, that will keep him from "missing you." And he will miss hearing your voice. He just doesn't know it yet.
Many people have used that worn out phrase "I'm not in love, but love you" and have wound up finding out they still were IN love.
Hang in there. Be strong and try your hardest to stay away. Let him "miss you." Give him time. If its meant to be he will call you and tell you he is not happy without you in his life. Only time will tell. And remember, guys go thru phases just like women.
I wish you the best,
MO
I can still remember every single heartbreak from men that I loved, but didn't love me. It all started beautiful, but as the seasons in time, so is love, it changes. Some people as my parents are fortunate to find and hold (my parents 54 yrs.). This might not be your only time experiencing the loss of a loved one, but we do survive as painful as it might seem. The pain can at times feels like your dying, but your not and copeing skills right now can make or brake you, so put on that "I will survive" gear and start moving forward one step at a time.
I can still remember the hurt to this day and it has been 30 something years ago. This hurts as bad as losing someone to death, in fact it is very similar. Go cold turkey off of him and try to remember that as hard as this is right now, your mr. right is still out there waiting to meet you. This guy just isnt him. Pamper yourself, be kind to yourself and try to keep what dignity you have left and resist the impulse to contact him. Find a friend, get out of the house, talk, cry do whatever you need to do to get you thru, the sun will shine again, I promise.
Also, start it's important for you to start putting away everything that is going to remind you of him, even if it means changing your phone number like I had to do to avoid the temptation of calling him to just hear his voice. I promise that one day you will be able to view them with fond memories, but for now, put it all away. Avoid all temptations to contact him. Let him contact you if he wants to talk, but right now, you need a plan for whats ahead and accept that this is just another chapter in life. There is a great big beautiful world out there waiting to meet you and I'm sure within time there is a guy out there who will love you just as you are...like the song say's..."I just haven't meet you yet", but I promise it will happen, but take some quite time to cry, reflect and plan the the good things in life for you. When one door closes the other one opens, so rest easy, your going to be just fine one step at a time. Judy
When a man tells you that he loves you, but is no longer "in" love with you, you have to accept what you can't change, have pride and self respect and accept what is beyond you at this point. It's not easy and it's going to be a difficult journey ahead, but there is always a tomorrow. Unfortunately, this is part of life's journey and it's really important to have the proper copeing skills in order to deal with the loss of someone that you love. Do not text, call or seem needy, because this is only going to cause him to feel sorry for you and that is something that you neither want or need to have the one that you love and no longer loves you, feel sorry for you. Surround yourself with good friends and your family. If you want to talk to them about how you feel, that will help, but I recommend that you take some time to just reflect on what is happening. This is right now beyond your control, so step back an out of the situation and surround yourself with a positive, nurturning environment. If you don't want to talk to people around you right now on what is going on, because it's too difficult, inform them that you are going through a difficult time and would appreciate if people not ask questions at this point in time. You will speak about the situation, when you are ready.
There is no way around this, it's painful and it's a great loss similar to a death, where you have to experience the stages of grief in order to heal. Take some time for you. Start to focus on you, your needs, you spiritual healing also. There are times when things are beyond your control and you know what, that's ok. Accept what you can't change and start to focus on your healing one step at a time. If you just want to talk, we are here for you. We have all been down this painful road, but there is hope and a beautiful life after a break up. You new life is just beginning....baby steps right now ok...hugs, Judy
There is no way around this, it's painful and it's a great loss similar to a death, where you have to experience the stages of grief in order to heal. Take some time for you. Start to focus on you, your needs, you spiritual healing also. There are times when things are beyond your control and you know what, that's ok. Accept what you can't change and start to focus on your healing one step at a time. If you just want to talk, we are here for you. We have all been down this painful road, but there is hope and a beautiful life after a break up. You new life is just beginning....baby steps right now ok...hugs, Judy
My advice is to move on. Do grieve the loss of the relationship though, that is important. It will help you heal in due time. You won't get past this today, tomorrow or probably not even a month from now, but time does heal all wounds and broken hearts. I know that isn't much help but just keep in mind that you WILL get past it and you will grow from the experience. Keep your focus on your studies so you can have a wonderful career in the law field and one day you will come across the "one" when you least expect it. I wish you nothing but the best!
If he says that he's not "in love," it's not a phase and it's not situational (i.e. law school).
He's not in love. Move on... view this as a chapter in the past... don't close the book... just turn the page.
He's not in love. Move on... view this as a chapter in the past... don't close the book... just turn the page.
Ouch. We all feel your pain.
Begging and pleading isn't going to get him back, I promise, Helpless. That will only drive him much further away. Resist the urge to call him or text him. It takes real strength. but in time you'll feel better.
Begging and pleading isn't going to get him back, I promise, Helpless. That will only drive him much further away. Resist the urge to call him or text him. It takes real strength. but in time you'll feel better.
it's a hopeless cause. if he's not in love with you anymore then he's not in love with you.
it is possible there is someone else or he could have just fallen out of love with you. don't dwell on it. i know it hurts but...try your best to get over him. don't talk to him as often, get rid of any reminder of him and start going out with your girlfriends (minus him). put yourself out there and start meeting other guys. you'll meet someone who won't fall out of love with you.
it is possible there is someone else or he could have just fallen out of love with you. don't dwell on it. i know it hurts but...try your best to get over him. don't talk to him as often, get rid of any reminder of him and start going out with your girlfriends (minus him). put yourself out there and start meeting other guys. you'll meet someone who won't fall out of love with you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, I am so sorry. I think your boyfriend is being honest and wants to break up. I'm so sorry as I know that is terribly painful. Whatever his reasons for it, he is being clear. Our mind starts to play tricks on us at these times, we remember only good things about the relationship, we feel desperate for that contact, and we tell ourselves all kinds of things. That is a normal part of a break up.
I'm thinking that you are going to have to go through the grieving process over this relationship and you are still in the denial stage. You will have sadness and then anger and then finally (and thankfully) acceptance. You will recover from this, I promise! You will come out on the other side a stronger and wiser person. Distract yourself where you can. Talk and cry with an understanding girlfriend. Get a journal and write all your feelings down. Do things for yourself like work out (which relieves stress) or things that make you feel good about yourself. I wish you all the best and peace of mind and comfort during this troubling time. good luck
I'm thinking that you are going to have to go through the grieving process over this relationship and you are still in the denial stage. You will have sadness and then anger and then finally (and thankfully) acceptance. You will recover from this, I promise! You will come out on the other side a stronger and wiser person. Distract yourself where you can. Talk and cry with an understanding girlfriend. Get a journal and write all your feelings down. Do things for yourself like work out (which relieves stress) or things that make you feel good about yourself. I wish you all the best and peace of mind and comfort during this troubling time. good luck
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