Aa
He doesn't want to get married
I have been dating my guy for about 10 months. I am 30, no kids, divorced about 6 years ago. He is 27, has an almost 10 year old daughter, and has never been married. I let him know when we very first started dating that if we keep dating my intentions are to get married and have kids, if that is not something he wants he should let me know so I can find someone that does. Recently we started talking about moving in together. He thinks of it as a trial before he decides he wants to be engaged. I want to know he plans to marry me before I move in with him. I have been hesitant because I didn't think we were to that point yet that we know we would get married. So we had a conversation about it and he said that he thinks he's ready. We started looking at places to live together, we decided he would buy the house on his own and we would split all the bills. So this past week I felt that something wasn't quite right, (a very girly moment) I of course got upset that we don't spend enough time together, blah blah blah. We talked again last night (much more rationally this time) about it and he told me that he loves me and would like to spend the rest of his life with me but he never wants to get married. Ugh.
Some additional information to help...his mom has never been married and he doesn't know his Dad. He has a brand new job, just started going back to college to finish his degree, and his Mom is going through chemo for ovarian cancer. He is currently living at home so he could save money for a house. We live about an hour apart from each other. I am not quite ready to get married yet either, I would like to wait maybe a couple years before actually getting married. He loves kids and he also told me that he would really like to have a son to carry on his legacy, but he doesn't want to have kids without being married. Everything about our relationship is great, friendship, sex, getting to know friends and family. Now that he's told me this; my first idea is that I should leave because that's what most people say to do. My second thought is to move closer to him but still live on my own and see what happens over the next 6 months. Gives us both time to think and work through all of these changes that are happening. I do feel like he needs to have his time to be independent, not neccessarily single, but just all that guy stuff of getting his life in order before being ready to get married.
What do I do?
Some additional information to help...his mom has never been married and he doesn't know his Dad. He has a brand new job, just started going back to college to finish his degree, and his Mom is going through chemo for ovarian cancer. He is currently living at home so he could save money for a house. We live about an hour apart from each other. I am not quite ready to get married yet either, I would like to wait maybe a couple years before actually getting married. He loves kids and he also told me that he would really like to have a son to carry on his legacy, but he doesn't want to have kids without being married. Everything about our relationship is great, friendship, sex, getting to know friends and family. Now that he's told me this; my first idea is that I should leave because that's what most people say to do. My second thought is to move closer to him but still live on my own and see what happens over the next 6 months. Gives us both time to think and work through all of these changes that are happening. I do feel like he needs to have his time to be independent, not neccessarily single, but just all that guy stuff of getting his life in order before being ready to get married.
What do I do?
You want to get married and he does not, which he has said on a few occasions, so your goals don't match up. You can't change someone and shouldn't try to. He just does not want to get married. If you want to get married, then you need to move on to find a man who shares your feelings on marriage and wants children. This isn't your guy.
Thank you. I do very much agree he needs some support right now, that makes a lot of sense, I have been a little, or a lot, selfish lately and have not thought about that. I'm sure he does not feel like being supportive for me when I'm not supportive of him.
He has raised a lot of red flags. I've been very cautious with him. Before now every red flag turned out to be not as bad as I thought. Hopefully this is the same. He gets overwhelmed fairly easily and tries so hard not to do or say anything that might make me feel bad.
He is not giving a clear signal. I said if I had to choose between him and having kids I would choose having kids. When I asked him the same question he couldn't answer, then he eventually said I don't want to lose you. I probably am pressuring him too much, you can't make good decisions when there are a million things happening. Or when your gf is super emotional.
He actually moved back in with his Mom after getting a DUI so he could pay for all the costs with that, then he was able to actually save up some money, his plan is to buy a house with or without me, that was his plan before we even met. I'm very supportive of him getting a house, I really want him to have a place where he feels comfortable and I still need to find out how he really lives. He is very embarrassed that he moved back home and didn't tell me for a while when we were first dating.
I agree my timeline is tight...I feel old lol.
I very much agree that he has not seen a good long term marriage. We have both tried to come up with examples in our family of good and bad relationships. Neither of us have been able to prove our point that marriage is good or bad. But one thing that I have tried to make clear is that we are not every other couple, it's me and him, and we do not have to make the same choices that other people make or that we have made with past relationships.
He is very good with his daughter, and kids love him. We are surrounded by kids in our families. He only gets to see her every other weekend. So it's hard to teach a child values in that short amount of time. Hopefully he will have some influence because her mother does not seem like the smartest cookie, already has 2 kids living on welfare and was pregnant with a new boyfriend that is already living with her after a couple months. It made me very happy when his daughter asked me if I want to be married (to him) before having kids. She's a very good kid, and she has said she would like to spend more time with him. That's part of the reason he feels like he needs a house. I think he's still trying to figure out what legacy he wants to create.
On top of all this happening...we have a wedding to go to tomorrow.
He has raised a lot of red flags. I've been very cautious with him. Before now every red flag turned out to be not as bad as I thought. Hopefully this is the same. He gets overwhelmed fairly easily and tries so hard not to do or say anything that might make me feel bad.
He is not giving a clear signal. I said if I had to choose between him and having kids I would choose having kids. When I asked him the same question he couldn't answer, then he eventually said I don't want to lose you. I probably am pressuring him too much, you can't make good decisions when there are a million things happening. Or when your gf is super emotional.
He actually moved back in with his Mom after getting a DUI so he could pay for all the costs with that, then he was able to actually save up some money, his plan is to buy a house with or without me, that was his plan before we even met. I'm very supportive of him getting a house, I really want him to have a place where he feels comfortable and I still need to find out how he really lives. He is very embarrassed that he moved back home and didn't tell me for a while when we were first dating.
I agree my timeline is tight...I feel old lol.
I very much agree that he has not seen a good long term marriage. We have both tried to come up with examples in our family of good and bad relationships. Neither of us have been able to prove our point that marriage is good or bad. But one thing that I have tried to make clear is that we are not every other couple, it's me and him, and we do not have to make the same choices that other people make or that we have made with past relationships.
He is very good with his daughter, and kids love him. We are surrounded by kids in our families. He only gets to see her every other weekend. So it's hard to teach a child values in that short amount of time. Hopefully he will have some influence because her mother does not seem like the smartest cookie, already has 2 kids living on welfare and was pregnant with a new boyfriend that is already living with her after a couple months. It made me very happy when his daughter asked me if I want to be married (to him) before having kids. She's a very good kid, and she has said she would like to spend more time with him. That's part of the reason he feels like he needs a house. I think he's still trying to figure out what legacy he wants to create.
On top of all this happening...we have a wedding to go to tomorrow.
You sound very smart, and your "girly moment" was actually your brain. ;D That's your brain, sending out a warning flag.
I think your idea of moving closer, but separate households, is a very good idea if you can easily relocate job-wise. Checking this out for 6 months is probably very wise.
I do sense some red flags:
1. He says he never wants to get married, and then he says he wants a son but will want to be married before that happens. Either he's stringing you along or he's very confused about what he wants, hard to tell here. He's not sending a clear signal.
2. It's a concern when a 27 year old man lives with his mother. I know it seems to be more common currently, but that's a guy with very little desire to be an adult, imho. That is childish behavior - "failure to launch".
3. Your timeline is tight. Insurance companies refer to women 35+ who are pregnant in the category of "advanced maternal age". It can still be done, but it's not like you're 23 and have a decade to work this all out.
4. He has never witnessed a long term relationship so he's operating without a blueprint here, having to feel his way along in the dark. He simply doesn't know how to do it, or the value of long term marriage.
How is his relationship with his daughter? Does he not consider that she'll carry on his "legacy" whatever it is that his legacy actually is?
I think your idea of moving closer, but separate households, is a very good idea if you can easily relocate job-wise. Checking this out for 6 months is probably very wise.
I do sense some red flags:
1. He says he never wants to get married, and then he says he wants a son but will want to be married before that happens. Either he's stringing you along or he's very confused about what he wants, hard to tell here. He's not sending a clear signal.
2. It's a concern when a 27 year old man lives with his mother. I know it seems to be more common currently, but that's a guy with very little desire to be an adult, imho. That is childish behavior - "failure to launch".
3. Your timeline is tight. Insurance companies refer to women 35+ who are pregnant in the category of "advanced maternal age". It can still be done, but it's not like you're 23 and have a decade to work this all out.
4. He has never witnessed a long term relationship so he's operating without a blueprint here, having to feel his way along in the dark. He simply doesn't know how to do it, or the value of long term marriage.
How is his relationship with his daughter? Does he not consider that she'll carry on his "legacy" whatever it is that his legacy actually is?
I think that you have to give him space and time for him to get back his life back and emotional stable... Is hard to focus on the marriage when all this other things are happening... His mother is in chemo, new job, ne career WOW thats alot going on trust me thats alot... and you guys just have 10 moths going out... i think you have to slow down a bit with the weeding and maybe buying the house... there is no rush and i think what he needs right now is a LOVING and Caring GF that is going to lean a hand on him in these phase of his life... DOnt walk out.... when your married this like this will happend and that doesnt mean (DIVORCED) it mean life things happend and just gatta stick together and help each other when needed.. i feel for him as im the same too... im a Female and engaged and i was excited til my life turn 360 and changed my plans (family Problems) and now its been 9 moths cense the insident and im still traying to recuperate its hard to be happy when you have SO MUCH going on.. IM sure you BF loves you but right now HE nEEDS your help and your LOVe. dont add more pressure on him than he already has...
Be safe.
Be safe.
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