I have been married for 4 months now and Before we got married, we used to have sex ALL the time. (90%, twice a day) After we got married, we had to move out and that was a bit stressful process for him. Starting from that time we dont have sex more than once a week. Now we are done with moving out, most if the days he doesnt do anything besides work but he still says he is too tired and implies that he only wants oral sex. I am not used to any of this. I dont mind giving him oral but I have started feeling like a toy. I have such a high sex drive. When I say, "babe, wanna have sex?" he goes like "oh, right" and he puts his hand down on me and gives me orgasm so he d avoid sex.
I am sure it has nothing to do with him being unattracted to me. But I dont know why it became like this. Is he just lazy or he got bored? What can I do about that? I d appreciate your experiences.
He seems very selfish and your giving him what he wants and he,s not really returning the favour.Things aren,t going to change if you keep doing what your doing and don,t talk to him about whats happening and how you feel.You can work this out if you both sit down and talk about it.Talking about this situation is the key to making change.Wish you well.
I have the same issue with my fiance. He wants oral all the time and I refuse to. I know to keep a relationship gong you have to be willing to do things to make them happy but I dont like it. I was in a relationship before him were I was forced to and I refuse and he keeps says "im your bf we been together 7 years I never made you do anything you didnt want to" All men like it and want it I just wont do it every day like that or every other day. He has stopped asking now that i refuse to and by doing this I will do it more. Begging and nagging for it doesnt make me want to do it. Our drive has gone from great 4 times a week to once a week in the past 4 years. My hormones are crazy and I just dont want it as much. I wish I did cus maybe we would be happier.
I am 26 and he is 30. We do not have any financial problems. We both have great families that support us in every hard situation we get into. (financially and morally). Yesterday I tried to talk to him and he got all upset and told me that I think he is just a lazy ******* even though I didnt say anything like that.
I gotta be fair, he wakes up at 3.30 am and has to be at work at 4.20 am. (he works as manager at media monitoring) But he does sleep almost 2 hours when he gets back home. (around 1.30 pm)
I am sure he is not cheating. He kisses me, hugs me, sleeps cuddling me, leaves love notes around, prepares breakfast at the weekends. And he does all those all the time. He kisses me probably more than 20 times a day. Plus I know all of his passwords, he doesnt mind if I read a coming SMS before him, I sometimes go to his work to suprise him and he doesnt freak out.Our romance is still there. Only problem is the sex.
I have started reading "how to improve your marriage without talking" I dont know, this might help. Cuz he obviously doesnt wanna talk about it but he HAS to understand that I NEED sex.. a lot!
I am confused. I started questioning, is that what happens when you get married?
I would question - does He reciprocate on the oral? (I mean, I know He's tired but - what about You?)
Next, I would ask - what about LoveMaking??
Are we here to just "do" one another?? - just get each other "off"?? Why don't we MAKE LOVE with one another??
Have we lost sight of MakingLove?? and LoveMaking??
I hear so much on this forum about Oral - and Anal - and Porn - and I ask what happened to Making Love?? and Love Making??
We (as Women) have the power to change this impersonal, lackadasical attitude toward sex. WE have the power to make it sacred and special again!!
If We were to quit being SO afraid that if We didn't give Him oral or anal or porn that He would leave Us, If We didn't fall in and out of bed like it was no big deal, if We didn't make Babies without commitment, then We would begin to see changes. If WE were to set Standards and Morals then HE would begin to have more Respect about relationships and We would begin to see Changes.
I cant ask him to go to a therapist, cuz everytime he sees me reading that book he says "If someone saw you reading that book, they would think we have marital problems. We are so happy" and I tell tim "yeah, we are babe, but just in case, or not to do the common mistakes with other ppl, so just to get some info".
He is right though, as I stated before, apart then bed, we are really happy together. and romantic too. We just dont have enough sex as we used to.
He has been working this schedule right since we got married actually. Thats when he found this "perfect" job and he is just loving it!
And I am not afraid he d leave me if I didnt give him oral or dont get into bed with him everytime he wants. (I wish he did, lol)
We had never been a huge fan of making love. We used to make love every now and then but we both prefered it hard.
The other day we were talking about how men leave their wifes just because she doesnt wear sexy all the time or she doesnt cook or clean or not good enough in bed. He said such men have too little brain to see what actually matters in marriage. If you do well in important topics (which are like being loyal, having the same purpose in life, ect.), the rest (like sex or cleaning, cooking) are just details.
He always leaves me confused. Now sex doesnt really matter?
I would have to agree with your husband in regards to what actually matters in a solid relationship. Yes, sex is great but my huband didn't marry me because I am great in bed; I have other attributes and interests the same as his that don't involve a "bed."
Don't get me wrong, sex should matter in a marriage, but some people make it into this huge part of the marriage which I don't agree with; i.e. sex 80% and the other parts of the marriage 20%.
I think your issue will past. It was just concerning because you all are young and in my opinion usually young couples are more sexual towards each other and more often, however, that doesn't mean that has to be like that in your marriage. Given the fact with this move, a new job with early hours and a new wife could tire a man out temporarily.
My husband and I are older than you. We are definitely NOT having relations everyday because we both are so busy with our work, etc. He is not a man constantly asking for sex or pre-occupied with sex; I am not sure why people state "All men have to have sex all the time." Or "All men love porn." Or "All men blah, blah, blah." We can't group all of anything into one. I consider my marriage a solid one.
I agree. All men dont think about sex ALL the time or all men dont watch porn daily even though statistics say they do. I have friends whose husbands are just in the "sex once a week" mood and they think it is enough. I dont see why we were raised with such stupid ideas, TV keeps telling us that if we are not sexy enough, our partners will divorce us or we have to be playful around them all the time and do sexy talks ect. This doesnt fit in neither my relationship, nor any other that I know.
I d be just fine with my husbands current sex drive if I didnt know how different it was before we got married. The book I am reading is actually great! It says men live in shame and women live in fear, these are all unconcious. We get upset and anxious when our husbands dont show us emotions much because deep down inside we have fear of being alone or he doesnt love us anymore. Men have shame dynamics. When we complain about something (like I would do about sex) he starts feeling like "I am not good enough as a husband" and to avoid this feeling he usually ends up blaming us "nobody can make you happy" ect. And it also says when men have changes around them, it will stress them because men love their routine. They are scared of changing it because they know in this routine, they are good enough.
So maybe thats whats going on with my space monkey :) Maybe I should just give it some time until we have our new routine working just fine. We dropped the keys of our old apartment yesterday and he was so happy about that. He said "now I am relieved, I was thinking about it ALL the time."
Thanks for all your help, especially you Londres.
I ll write the end of the story here, I hope it wont take too long. :)
I think this will pass. I think once you get into a nice routine things will probably go back to normal.
Your book sounds interesting. Indeed, men do process information differently than women. I will say I would strongly agree with that book. However, we all should be looked upon as individuals or look at each situation individually as well meaning just because couple A is having sex 3x/day doesn't mean that couple B has to follow suite.
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