He said he'll 'marry me to make me happy'

[something_doesnt_feel_right]

I'm 27, bf is 30, been together 1 year. When we first met he couldn't stop telling me about how he saw us in the future as husband and wife with kids etc...One year on, he has been using 'wife' a lot for example 'you are going to make a perfect wife'. I thought he was going to propose soon then KABOOM...

We were at a wedding and he said he didn't see the need in getting married because most end in divorce and if we were happy together and in love and treated each other perfectly then there wasn't a need to get married. Conversation went back and forth and I was feeling really upset and said 'I thought you said I was the one' and he cracked it and walked off on me. I was GUTTED. He eventually came back and I tried to calm him down because I didn't want to wreck our night. On the way home I brought it up and said I was trying to understand his side but didn't. It then went on about how he knows it's important to me and that he would marry me to make me happy because he knew he wanted to spend his life with me. I was speechless and confused but left it there.

A few weeks on now I have been trying to process. I finally brought it up with him on the weekend and it turned into tears for me and him getting angry because he said he was giving me what I wanted but that still wasn't enough for me. Am I stupid for letting this eat me up inside? When we met I thought we wanted the same things and don't know where it's all changed and when I ask this to him he said he's just realised he doesn't see the point in getting married.

I'm so confused.

[RockRose]

I don't think his philosophy is different from a lot of men - they just don't actually say they feel that way.  I think a LOT of men fully intend to be with a woman for the rest of their lives,  but they really don't see a lot of extra value in actual wedding vows,  but they do that because the woman they want won't stay with them without that kind of legal commitment.

I think in fact,  probably the majority of men in our culture would prefer to remain with the woman they love in a stable,  committed relationship without the legal bindings but their women won't do that.

[shell921]

Take another break from one another. You do not want to have to talk a man into anything. Marriage is a TASK. It's not a long love affair. You went into a tailspin over your miscarriage. What if you get married and have another miscarriage? or a child born with a disability? Are you going to be able to cope? ALL couples have problems and as you already found out, FALLING in love is easy--STAYING in love is hard. Couples who have been together many years will tell you that the secret to a successful partnership is not being in love-it is figuring out how to HANDLE everything that happens AFTER you fall in love. STAYING in love happens when you both work out how to embrace change, solve problems, deal with pain and disappointment and treat each other when the going gets rough. If
something doesn't feel right to you now - pay attention. That's your gut telling you this may not be a good match for you. Take some time apart and sort out your feelings.

[something_doesnt_feel_right]

Thank you for your response!

In the beginning it was a whirlwind and fairytale indeed and I could see that like you said there needed to be a more solid foundation to establish whether a lifelong connection is there and hence I did tread carefully and held my cards close.

3 months into the relationship I had to go o'seas for work for 4 weeks. A week into the trip he surprised me and met me over there so I didn't have to be over there alone and because he missed me so much. I then let my guard down but a few days into the trip I found out we were pregnant. I couldn't tell you how devestated we were but for some strange reason he seemed to love me more and it was like we became stronger. About 6 days after the pregnancy test I had a misscarriage. Everything went so badly from there. For the rest of our time o'seas we fought so much over stupid things and not only was I working over there and dealing with a miscarriage, I was struggling to get along with him because he became easily irritated and not supportive.

When we returned home things were horrible because I became depressed about the miscarriage and I had no one to talk to and he didn't know what to do so he pulled back and didn't come over as often when I needed him a lot of the time. Not long after we broke up because he changed into a horrible person and I knew I deserved better. But a week later he fought for me and showed me that he realised he was an idiot and that he didn't know why he was throwing away something that meant so much to him. I got back with him on the condition he saw a counsellor. He did that for a few weeks and things improved more and more and after a few rocky patches I have to say that for quite some time now things have been great.

We have found our feet as a couple and we are happy. That foundation is becoming stronger and stronger and it feels right for both of us. To answer your question, I don't feel as though he has cooled on me, in fact I feel as though he is more into our relationship and really into us.

I just don't know what is going on or what is going through his head. I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't want to ambush or push him so I find myself on this website feeling gutted and confused. I don't know how to understand why he doesn't care for marriage. It's like he has the 'if it aint broke why fix it' in the sense of, 'why get married if we are arleady happy'.

The bizzare thing about it is when I asked him if he would enjoy proposing or the wedding day or having kids or enjoying a long marriage with me he said yes he wants to call me his wife. When I asked what his role models were of ppl he looked up to in a happy marriage he told me his cousins marriage but then spoke about his parents who are dovorced and his mate who is cheating on his wife. When I said to him (amongst other reason why I wanted to marry him) I wanted the security of being with him and that no matter what it would be us forever, he said it could be us forever without getting married and that whether in a r'ship or married you can just break up like get a divorce so it's no different.

I don't know what to do or how to approach this anymore. He just kept saying he only wants me and loves me and that should be enough but if not he'll marry me to make me happy.

[specialmom]

Oh, I'm sorry.  I'm sure that stings.  

First, let me say that I do always wonder about guys/girls that talk about marriage and that someone is 'right' super early in dating.  It should take time to figure this out and know it to be true.  You do hear of folks that meet and instantly go to that level of relationship but building a foundation slowly is a safer route to take.  As you are now with a guy who is not who you thought he was and is balking at the idea of marriage to you, working on that foundation before making all of these declarations of where the relationship was going would have been better.  Hind sight and all but tuck that away in case there is a next time.  

So, I don't know what happened.  Has the relationship cooled off a bit?  Was he just saying things that he knew you'd like to hear early on and he is less interested in impressing you now?  Or did he change his mind?  

I don't  know.

If you feel that your ideals and his don't match, that is a problem.  I wanted to get married and have kids.  I obviously needed to find a man that wanted that same thing.  No woman wants to feel like they've coerced a man into this.  We want to be a princess that is desired by a man to be honored with a marriage proposal.  And hon, you do deserve that.

so, you can be practical and say that you will make it clear to your boyfriend that marriage is important and you need that step to be taken and he'll respect you and do it even if it isn't with the same emotion you want him to.

Or you can hold out for a guy that is really interested in marriage.

I would maybe just stay quiet on this topic for a couple of months and revisit after that.  And then let your gut lead you.  Force the issue with him or look for someone that wants what you want.

But, big question---  do you feel he has cooled on you in general?