You guys seem like you give good advice through experiance so here I go,
I met this guy about 7 months ago, we started out as friends, and been in a relationship for the past 6. he told me about the only long term girlfriend (4 years) he ever had feelings for he broke up with about a year before meeting me. They started out as friends with benefits, she had a live-in boyfriend that she was clear that she would never leave. He understood but eventually developed feelings for her 2.5 years into it. a year and a half later she still wouldn't commit to him so he ended up leaving, hoping that would make her leave her boyfriend for him. About a couple months later she called him to tell him she was pregnant and was getting married. He said that that made him get over her real quick and he has not called her or contacted her what so ever.
However, 3 months into our relationship she calls him on a sunday night when I was at his place claiming she's having a hard time adjusting to motherhood and needs someone to talk to. He ends up on the phone with her for a good 20 minutes. I told him she couldve called her friends talked to her husband, I know she just called because she missed him and wants to make sure he remembers her. I told him that he did not have to answer the phone, but he said she's never called on a sunday that late even when they were together and it was about of worry that he picked up the phone. So we got into a discussion about whether or not he has feelings for her and he said he cares about her like a close friend but is not in love with her anymore.
Then I found out she is his friend on his facebook using his last name as her own (her husband is apparently not tech savvy). When I asked why she was using his last name, he said he couldn't control what she does, then I found out she was/has used it legally. Although he will not admit it, by the way he tried lying about it I'm pretty sure he married (briefly) her in hopes that she would leave her boyfriend.
ANYWAY that was all in the past and the main issue is that he still has christmas cards she gave him, pictures of her, shes still his friend on facebook, and has his number. I'm sure she will contact him again and if he truly doesn't have feelings for her I wouldn't care. If he doesn't keep in contact with her why does he keep her so connected? However, the other night I asked him if she would show up tonight on his doorstep single if he would take her back. He paused a LONG PAUSE then said, "that would never happen". He never said no. Then said, "that's the only woman I've ever loved".
He says that he's not in love with me and that for him it takes time when it comes to these emotional things and he didn't even have feelings for the last girl til 2.5 years into it. I respect his honesty and admire it even, even though it's harsh, at least I'll know he means what he says.
Despite her we have a pretty good relationship. He misses me often, i see him 4/5 times a week (he usually has his son on the weekends), frequently calls and texts. He says he's interested, he's nice and caring, I can tell he likes me alot, we laugh alot, we hang out all day doing nothing, going nowhere and it's tons of fun, if he didn't say he wasn't in love with me his actions would have really thrown me off but I don't want to be second to this girl. I dont want to be with this guy for years just to have her come back and drop me in a heart beat just because "she's the only woman he's ever loved". I never asked him to cut ties with her, i dont want it if it doesnt come from him, he would just resent me for it. He told me he can't control if she calls but the only thing he can promise me is that he won't be picking up her phone calls anymore.
I know it's only been a few months, but should I pursue this relationship and hope he really isn't in love with her and maybe he could develop feelings for me one day or should I call it quits and get the hell out of there??? I can really see myself falling for this guy and committing completely, but not if I'm number 2. What do you think? What should I do? Why can't he unfriend her? Get rid of the pictures of her on his phone and camera?
I would say to you that you have only been in the relationship for 7 months? Not enough time to expect him to proclaim a for ever after life with you. You say you have fun, get along well, and to date he has not gone out of his way to contact her? If I am right, he may still have feelings for her until he meets or has a better relationship with someone else. You cannot erase your life or your memories. I still have pics from way back when, altho do not keep contact with them. The name thing would bother me tho. The line of she is the only girl I ever loved and him still worrying about her would bother me as well. The decision is yours of course, but there have been some red flags raised and with the fact that he was with someone else for so long and never wanted to committ would bother me as well. Me? I would give it a little more time and watch and see, the truth will reveal itself, if you want to see it. Good luck!
I'm not expecting him to be in love with me or want to be with me forever after 7 months. And I wouldn't neccessarily be heart broken if it ended today, but there is potential, and thats what makes me anxious. I would never ask him to get rid of sentimental things, even if I dont like it, thats his personal space. I have been in two long term relationships before this (one 4 years, the other 3) both of which have failed on account of thier feelings for thier ex-girlfriend/wife, so i've seen this before, but not as honest and open as this.
He was upfront about his past when we first met, he said he really wants to try to be in a committed long-term relationship with someone, and that he really wants to take that chance with me and see what happens. He's honest to the point of stupidity. I wouldn't know half of this stuff if he didn't come out and say it. He's never told anyone else about her or his feelings for her, since she would never leave her boyfriend and commit to him. He's never brought her around his friends or family (she has met his son). I've met his brother and friends already, so I think he's really trying. I just don't trust his feelings for her, he seems like he can't figure it out. So...I guess...I'm questioning if I believe him because I really want to believe he's really in this with me or if I'm being played and I can't see it because he's sending good signals and I really like him...I'd rather hear an outsider's opinion on it than accuse and wonder in my own head...
but you're right time will tell, she will either fade away or grow stronger. I have to stop bringing her into it and into my head I guess.
From what I read, it seems he did want to commit to her, even legally marrying her. She probably broke his heart very badly. He's just not admitting to it. Is there a possibility that he is also the father of her child? It sounds like it was a really complicated relationship. I would just give him some time. Maybe even cool things off with him for a while, and take things slowly, because as it is now, there is no doubt in my mind that if she came running back to him, he'd welcome her with open arms. It's probably best to let him know you just want to be friends right now. Tell him you still want to see him, and nobody else, and he should do the same. You just want to make sure you are not going to give him your heart, when he won't completely return his.
I would also be weary. I'm sure he likes you and has a great time with you but it also sounds like he still is harboring feelings for her. I don't believe that they don't speak and I think perhaps he's hoping that she does want to be with him. So keep that in mind. If he didn't want any communication with her, he would take her off of facebook and change his number. He CAN help it if she calls by doing just that. I do think that he's ready to move on and be with someone who will want what he wants. I started off my relationship with my fiance and he had a "friend" who he used to date. They didn't work out but they talked on the phone daily and it seemed strange to me. I knew he liked me and we really enjoyed spending time together. His feelings were growing for me and I became a threat to her because of that. So she decided she wanted him back. We had only been dating a few months and so he chose her over me because he had known her longer and thought about what it would be like to be with her again. Well needless to say it didn't work out and he realized what he had with me. That this girl was just playing with him and I was real. So he came back and asked me for another chance. At first I was hesitant because he had hurt me really badly. I had already really fallen for him and didn't want to get burned again. But I gave in and 7 years later we are engaged and have a son. She is history. Even though I wound up back with him I always wondered if I was just his second choice. However, enough time has passed where I don't feel that way anymore. Just be careful with your heart. Don't give all of yourself to him until he can prove that he's over his past and ready to move on to a bright future with you. Good luck.
hanzel, I wouldn't date him anymore. Here he's got a son, meaning he had a relationship with yet another woman he didn't love, he says he doesn't love you and it's clear he loves this other woman.
It doesn't take 6 months of seeing someone 4/5 times a week to fall in love, despite what he is telling you - in fact, somehow the chemistry is just not there between you. This is the stage in a relationship where he should be blushing when you walk in the room unexpectedly, where he dreams about holding you all day long, etc. About three years into the relationship that all goes away and the clouds clear and if you're lucky you still love each other but aren't physiologically thrown off by the presence or mention of the other person. Crazy in love only lasts that brief time.
I think it would be very hard to have sex with a man who after that length of time isn't in love with me but can clearly verbalize that he felt that way about someone else he's keeping in contact with.
There is something that I want you to understand. My husband is a song writer and he recently wrote a song about some girl that he was obsessed with years before he met me. When I say obsessed I am not kidding, Things didn't even well for them and he always felt somewhat of a need for closure.
When he wrote this song was a mad? The answer is both yes and no. I was mad because he wrote it about her, but at the same time I feel like he said good-bye to her as best he could. There were some days when all he would do is wallow in what he had done to her. I knew he cared for me so I never let it bother me.
If this becomes a habit then you can talk to him about it. One thing you shouldn't do is have him choose between you two. If you are the one forcing him to choose, I promise you 95% of the time he will choose the other girl.
You know if you are really worried about this you can always say to him that you want to know more about her. The other thing you can do if you are worried is to befriend her and see what happens.
Most importantly remember that you cannot change the past, but you can change the future. Memories happened for a reason, and no one can ever take those away.
As an update:
We recently talked about the situation further and I told him if he was half with me and half with her I can only be half in it too and that I was not going to spend time with a man and invest if I was just going to be second pick for him. He thought just burying it would do it, but he acknowledged the fact that he needed to get rid of things he's held on to, like the Facebook and her name/number in the phonebook. He said he doesn't want her to be first or second or anything in his life and even if they were together today he couldn't trust her anyway. I guess he's just in the healing process. I've decided to give it another month and never bring her up into this relationship again and see if he actually does the things he says he's trying to do.
Thank you guys, you gave me different perspectives on the situation and it's helped me step back a little and collect my thoughts before I addresed the issue to him in a clear and logical manner.
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