Heart broken!

[Stream72]

Hi!  I have just lost my baby girl due to severe pre-eclampsia.  I was 23 weeks pregnant and pregnant for the first time ever.  I am 36 years old and completely heart broken.  First of all, I feel like this was my first and last chance to have a child I have so desperatley wanted since I was only a child myself.  The father of the child was not excited when he found out I was pregnant, but for the most part, he learned to deal with it.  I made sure that he understood that I was going to do this with or without him.  The father and myself were involved for about six and a half years and I have to say that I was and still am very much in love with him but I was willing to lose him to have my child.  Well, when I developed the complications in my preganancy, we were both distraught.  I was so surprised at his reaction. He was at my side the entire time.  He was there for me more than I ever expected.  

Now I have a problem.  We were never really a couple and he is now starting to pull away from me.  I am still going through my motions and the only person that seems to make me feel better is him.  He says he cares for me, but is not ready for what I want.  I really don't know what I want from him myself.  I am still home on sick leave and call him everyday.  I am in agony when I don't hear from him.  I know that I need to give him his space for my sake and for his, but how do I do that?  My heart breaks for my baby girl and now the thought of not having him around is killing me.  What can I do to let him go and make myself feel better without needing him so much?

[angelbabies]

im so sorry! after my 1st m/c i was in a mess but my b/f did the same thing he didnt no if he wanted me anymore and left me hanging for 18months!!! i loved him and didnt want to let him go, i wanted him and i wanted to have anouther baby! in the end i fell pregnant agen and it was over new year he went out with his mates to a party as i was pregnant i stayed at home he told me ill be back at 11.00pm so we can bring in new year together! well 11.00pm came and went, at 12.15am i started bleeding i called him he hung up without answering the phone so i got hold of his friend who was at the party i told him to get olli tell him im losing the baby and to come home now!!! well he never showed up! i was left on my own to misscarry my baby on new year! i ended up having anouther m/c 4 weeks after that one agen! We have now sorted our diffrences and are still together and have a 6 week old baby!

i think i was lucky he changed but silly in a sence to let him disrepect me like that!
i what iv said is not realy helping you to decide what to do but only you can make that choice!
i no how hard it is to lose a child and how men make it sooooooo much harder!! if you ever want to talk ill be hear to listien im so sorry for you!
xx

[pcarsey]

I'm not sure how you got pregnant? maybe accidental, or maybe planned on one side.. I'm not sure but in any case, maybe he felt you betrayed him? I am guessing that it wasn't a mutual decision to have a baby since he was not happy when he found out. The problem is, he evidently didn't want the same things as you did, but yet felt maybe "obligated" in being there, rather then wanting to be there. Does this make sense? So then when he saw you in pain, even though he wasn't happy about the pregnancy still didn't like seeing you in pain. Then you so heartbreakingly lose the baby, now he really doesn't know what to do. I'm sure he is dealing with the loss in his own way, but is also scared that something may happen again like this. This, that he never wanted to begin with.

I think it would do you wonders to find a support group, or as mami1323 pointed out, a close friend. Some place you can express how you really feel about the loss of your baby. He may not necessarily be the right person. Also maybe get into some counseling to deal with it and also the breakup of your relationship. The thing is, nothing is going to change him. No one is going to change him. Maybe he will change, but nothing that happens and nothing that anyone says or does will change him. Only he can choose to go about things in his way on his own schedule. Like having children. Have you always known that he didn't want children? Did you ever talk to him about your wishes or concerns?

I wish you the best and I am truly sorry for your loss!!

[mami1323]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I can't even begin to imagine how that must feel but my heart goes out to you.  As far as the father, it seems like the feelings you have for him have intensified because you are so sad you need someone to lean on.  Since you love him still you probably thought that this was bringing you both back together, however, he did not feel the same.  I'm sure he was saddened by what happened but it didn't change his perspective on the relationship.  He can be your support but I think by him pulling away over time, you will feel very abandoned.  I feel in order to heal in a more productive way is by finding a friend to lean on or by distraction.  Because you will suffer more if you rely on this man to fulfill your emotional needs.  You can't use the feelings you have for him to fill the void of losing the baby and that's what is happening.  In the end, you will still long for a relationship that he will not give you and you will fall deeper into a depression.  He will be made to feel obligated to staying with you because of what happened and I'm sure that's not what you want.  It will not make you happy.  Again, I'm sorry for your lose, I hope you can continue to move forward and eventually find happiness again.

[Njsweetnlight]

I am so so sorry to hear about your loss, that is the worse thing a mother can go through. There is a grieving process that you will go through and you should express your emotions to your boyfriend and let him know how down you are feeling. If he cares he will be there for you but if he doesn't he will show his selfishness and not be there for you. Don't worry about him if he does show the selfishness and do what is best for you and move on in your life. Get back into life and keep busy that is the only way to not go into a depression. Keep your head up and focus on the positive things in life be thankful you are alive and have your life.