Heartbroken

[worriedalot128]

I am a 28 yr old successful male who just can never seem to get it right with women. I have been through the same things most people have, bad breakups, long term relationships ending etc.....

However, I met a girl in November of last yr just a few months ago and everything was perfect. She told me I was the best thing that could have ever happened to her and we got along great. Everything was there, companionship, intimacy, the works. We talked about a life together (probably rushed but it felt so right). Anyway, one night she told me she loved me and it just went downhill from there. We gave each other our space and saw each other 3-4 times a week. Out of nowhere and I mean NOWHERE this past Friday night, she told me something was different. Basically, it comes down to the fact that she doesn't know if this is what she wants. Up until then everything was kosher, no fighting, no bickering, nothing. We enjoyed each others company and my family liked her and likewise on her side. She told me she feels like this is something she is having to go through for some reason. She tells me she misses me and loves me but sometimes she is complacent and is fine without seeing me. She said she goes back and forth and basically has asked for some time apart so she can sort things out.

I asked her if I should act like we are broken up and try to move on and if she comes back in a few months we will deal with it then and she said yes. It's like, she is breaking up with me to see if she starts to miss me and then she will come back? She said she is scared to lose me and that she hopes this isn't a mistake but she just has to know on her own. I am completely heartbroken and cannot stop thinking of our first date, and for Christmas I gave her a ring, which I have never given to any other girl EVER. I just cried for the first time and it just feels like my life is empty again. I really want her back and don't want to even think of being with other girls and the thought of her being with another guy makes me sick, if in fact that is part of her quest for knowledge or whatever this is. I am mad as hell, and at the same time sad and I just want to hold her and kiss her.

What do I do?

[specialmom]

Well, that sounds good.  I think also that you will have to be careful that when you speak with her via text that you don't sound as wanting as you probably are.  Don't ask her about the ring.  Don't really ask her questions about the two of you for a bit.  Ask her how she is doing and what she did that day.  That kind of thing.  It is so hard and takes control of sorts that we have to dig deep for.  But I think that is the best way to let her sort it out.

And her sorting it out is a good thing.  We want to be sure that if you do marry that she feels 100% like it is exactly what she wants to do.  Sometimes some space will allow for that realization.  

good luck and do something nice for yourself today.

[worriedalot128]

I sent her a few text messages throughout today, she has responded and said she is sad but she knows we will see each other again. I told her we would see each other as friends and not lovers as we were before and she said she doesn't know the answer. I asked her if she was wearing the ring I gave her and she said yes. I told her I would leave her alone and to have a good night. I am going to try not to message her at all tomorrow until the end of the day just to see how her day went. Very loose conversation is what I had in mind also.

[specialmom]

Oh, I'm so sorry.  Broken hearts hurt.  I had two relationships like the one you describe but maybe not quite as intense.  But for me they were quite quick and I would have to say that I got "caught up in them". Meaning, it felt right but happened so fast that I eventually questioned it.  Then I had to pull back.  For me, neither of the relationships manifested into long term.  I don't know what will happen with yours.  But it is clear that she is feeling like it is too much too soon.  Something is alarming her and she is pulling back.  She is telling you that she still has feelings but she needs to space.  My suggestion is to keep loose contact with her.  If you force the issue and try too hard to be with her, she'll pull away completely.  If you just give her total space and do not communicate with her at all, she'll move on and think that was the way it was suppose to be.  So, can you ask her what the best way to stay in touch without infringing on her space would be?  Try to stay away from facebook-----------  which I loathe.  It is too hard to read the goings on of someone you'd like to be with when you can't be with them.  So, email, twitter, texting, phone calls or coffee once a week.  Whatever it is, just something.  Tell her you still care and would like to stay in contact while she sorts out her feelings.

Ugh.  That probably is not what you really want to do. But I just don't think it will work if you beat down her door and beg her to stay.  In the mean time, this is a great time to work on your hobbies, throw yourself into your job, spend some time with family and friends.  Make sure you exercise as it is good for mind and soul and spirit.  Keep a journal to write down feelings in.  (helps to get them out).  Keep busy.  I would not try to date. You are emotionally invested in someone else, so dating would not be a good idea right now.  

But give her space and see if she will want to move forward with the relationship.  And if you do come back together.  Go slow. Take it at a slower pace.  good luck

[worriedalot128]

I know exactly what you are saying. I have been through this before but under different circumstances. Maybe this is her way of making sure that I am the one she wants, I have no idea but women confuse the hell out of me. I am going through the whole blaming myself phase, but there is nothing I did wrong. I miss her, I know she feels the same but all I keep asking is "why" did this happen. I can't and won't understand I guess. I keep telling myself that this is something she has to do and then we will be together and happy again, but then I think about the very real possibility that it may never happen again and this makes me sad.

Thanks for your advice as I know what I have to do , its just the point of doing it!

[trdofbeingtrd]

I am going to tell you something, it might be in vain, but because of the intellect I can tell you have from how you posted and typed your words, it might not.

In life, people meet people that connect to them. They meet people who they see as soul mates. I won't say that the idea of a soul mate is fake or wrong, but I will say that because of how people feel, it seems like there is one out there and only one. I have been down the road and back up it again. Attachment to something or someone is the biggest cause of "heartbreak". You don't want anyone else, you don't want to think of being with anyone but her. That is how it's going to stay until you realize something. There are more women out there, and some of those women can make you feel like she did, but better. While you were with her, it seemed like the perfect match basically, it seemed like you found who you were supposed to be with. What you are feeling is normal.

I am not saying you should break up with her, or not accept her back, that is for you and ONLY you to decide. I will tell you though, although it could be "meant to be", you need to concentrate on having fun again. You need to go out and meet other women, you don't have to get serious with any of them, but what could happen, is you find one that does the same for you as she did. Let it hurt, let her have her space. Please, don't lock yourself up, please go out and have fun. Heartbreak hurts the worst when you are alone and let it.

She might be the one, but she might not. Until then, get out, have fun, and don't let the pain win.