Help . . . . mums pushing me away

[hansy]

Im not sure if iv but this in the right categorie, but hey, here we go.
Ok im with a new guy, i been with him now for 2-3 months and known him for years. Im 18 and hes 26 - so bit of aan age gap i guess.
neway. my mum has abit of an issue with him, and doesnt think im ready to be in a relationship with him ( baring in mind my mum & dad are very old fashioned)

Iv neva told my mum anything about my love or sex life, as i dont think she needs to know as i cant be doing with the hassle from her. Basicaly how do i tell my mum that shes not stop me being with him?- but in a nice way.

Im geting to the point know that i dont wana live at home any more, and soo close to leaving!!
Shes always going on at me about anything and everything, iv stuck it out for a long time now, but dont know how much more i can take, i just want to get away but dont know what to do.

[jesslee83]

well, the good old "i'm a legal adult" sometimes works.....of course, most parents answer "it's my house" so idk about that lol.....

is there a reason she dislikes the relationship? it may also be they just don't want to see you leave home, and if this man is stable and such, it may be that they see you "leaving them for him" kind of thing.....the age gap is not really such a big deal.....if he was 30+ i suppose i could see that.....and to dad, well wether he says it or not, you're his girl.....maybe you should ask her why she disapproves? and explain to her that although you respect her opinion, how you feel is how you feel.....

[treazzure007]

i replied in your previous post about how i view that relationship with your current boyfriend.  maybe your mom doesn't think it's anymore special
however, you are grown and your mother should be willing to back off some and let you live and learn or whatever it is you decide to do.  her days of raising you are officially over (though mothers' advice is always in season and is usually right- a lesson that many grown women come to realize)
it helped me a great deal when i went away to school when i turned 18.  i was out from under her roof.  And though my mom still has tendencies to want to be all up in my business, she just doesnt have the opportunity to with me not living with her anymore.  so, it may be time for you to consider your options and make way about living somewhere else.  consider college or maybe a roommate type deal.  it also helps you and your mom become closer, better friends when she is no longer trying to complain and tell you all your next moves

[hansy]

thankyou for your comments, i just see the only way out of this is for me too leave home. its just hard for mee to leave as i have soo many commitments for me at home. but at the same time im thinking of givin them all up. my mum always sez jus cz ur 18 u thi nk u know it all, which isnt true at all. i just feel she aint giving me the chance. im with this guy because we get on soo well and i trust him, and trust is a huge issue for me, i dont feel hes going to hurt me.

i recently spilt up wiv my 18 year olfd bf 2 be wiv this 1, she neva seemed to have such a problem with that 1. and as for jeeselee's comments about it being her house - iv only eva had 1 bf stay at my house with me and never again because i cant be assed with the hassle mum gives me about it so i know always stay at his. x

[green eyed lady]

Sorry Chickie...her house, her rules! I get so annoyed when a teenager (might be legal but your still a teenager) thinks they know everything and is willing to jump head first into life with blinders on. So go ahead--show her--move out and move in with Romeo and she what happens. BTW...I wonder why a mature man of 26 would want to be in a relationship with an 18 yr. old who still lives at home? Just something to think about.

[green eyed lady]

Oh I forgot to add....she neva (?) had a problem with the 18 yr. old BF because he was your age not some man of 26. I really hope you rethink this, especially since you say you have many commitments at home. Good luck to ya.

[hansy]

dont get ****** with people we are all on here for advice !! just because uv prob got ya life sorted , u dont get what goes on with us!!

[green eyed lady]

I'm going to assume that last post was to me being that you sent me the most beautiful private message I ever received! Not!

Listen Hansy, I'm not trying to make you feel bad--I have 2 kids, 1 who's 20 and 1 who's 18 so I really do get *what goes on with us*. I have the best relationship with my kids and I believe that's because we have great communication. Both of my kids and their respective friends value my advice because I don't b******t them. We as parents have this wonderful gift and it's called the gift of hindsight---we've been there, and believe me in my case, done that!

I am not gonna sit here and tell you that it's alright for a young woman of 18 to go with a man of 26--sorry not gonna do it. I understand that in the eyes of the law your of legal age, so get on with it...move out. My 18 yr. old son thought he knew everything...he was very disrespectful, he quit school and he was drinking. There was nothing his father nor I could say to make him understand that he was throwing his life away--nothing! So once "know it all" turned 18 I told him he either had to be in school or have a steady job and if he didn't like it he could leave. So he left. It was very hard for me because I knew he was ill equipt to live on his own. After he had his fun and blew through all his money he realized that his friends weren't going to support him either. So for a few months he lived hand to mouth and there were lots of times he didn't have money to eat. That was extrememly hard for me knowing he was hungry. But I stuck to my guns. Fast forward a few months and "KIA" is back home with me but with a different attitude. He works and makes decent money and our relationship is so much better because he realized that life on your own isn't what it's cracked up to be and in order to live a decent life you need money and the support of your family. The only problem I seem to have now is he is TOO comfortable living at home again and I'm afraid he's NEVER gonna leave! Lol...

I know I was sarcastic in my original post and that was because you wrote "I just see the only way out of this is for me too leave home"....so my response to you was "so leave"! I see nothing wrong with that response. You stated that your a grown up and you didn't want to live under your mother's rules (which BTW is very normal) and you know what's best for your life...so again, move out. What's the problem? Your original post wanted advice regarding your relationship with your mother and the fact that she's not happy with your BF. Well, I'm sorry to say but if you were my daughter I wouldn't be too happy about it either...

Sometimes when people post on these forums they want validation and most times they get it, however, I'm not gonna tell you that I agree with what your thinking about doing if I don't believe it to be true. Sorry.

I'm gonna tell you again that I wish you the best and I really do want for you to have a happy life...good luck to you.

[hansy]

sorry and thanks

[Agiesmom]

Exactly how many years have you known him?

[green eyed lady]

Ok, now I feel bad~!!

I'm sorry that I came on so strong...your 18 and EVERYTHING you have said and felt is very normal. As I stated before I really want you to make the best decisions that are right for you...and because I truly want that I became over-zelous with my opinions. Please understand that your parents love you and they know what's best for you....

[ready2help]

Hansy, I have to agree with green eyed lady - I understand what it is to be 18, we all do. I also know that there is no one in this entire world that is going to look out for your best interest and health more than your mother (and father, too). They are your "soft place to land".

BUT! Boyfriends come and go, believe me. Your parents are your parents forever. Even though you think they are "old-fashioned", they have many more years of life experience - and that counts for a lot.

As far as the BF, my concern is that he is 26.  If he were 48 and you were 40 - no biggie. But the particular 8 years we are discussing are very, very different as far as growth and development. Just the same as a kid of 6 and a kid of 14 - they don't have that much in common - they are in different life stages.

Also, while you feel all grown up and all, you are still immature. This is not an insult, not at all. It's just the way it is for an 18 year old - they don't think with the same level of maturity as a healthy adult with some life experience. That's what your growing pains are all about. Here's an illustration: you said you are with this guy 2-3 months. And that you trust him. Well, it is near impossible to know a person well enough in that short a time to be able to make that large statement. Trust is something that is the result of many actions, over and over, and over a significant period of time. And that are consistent. And that the person does what they say they are gonna do. And they protect you. It is so much more than words spoken and promises make. We are all on our best behavior when we first meet someone we like and think might be "the one". That's natural. It really takes more than a year, some would say more than 2 years, to really get to know someone. That's why so many people make mistakes - they jump in too soon - and before you know it they're pregnant or married - and when the dust clears, there are two strangers looking at each others wondering what happened.

I understand that at 18 you want your freedom and all. But your parents are only trying to help you avoid some major mistakes that could effect the entire direction of your life. Think about it. And good luck. And use birth control 100% of the time (it only works when you use it every time).

Disclimer: the statements above are based on what I believe to be true for the vast majority - I am sure there are exceptions to the rule.

:)

[momagain59]

I wish they would teach stuff like this in school. My neice is bouncing from one guy to the next, always trusting, always being disappointed and has 2 kids so far. She gave birth to the first one on the night that she should've been graduating. She is 21 and raising them on her own. Both Dad's are in jail on there way to prison. Older guys sometimes take advantage of younger women and that is also why they like to date them. It's just like anything else, the more experience you have the better you get at it.

Hansy,
    Just take your time, you have lots of time to have fun and make mistakes. As a Mom, I can honestly say that I think that your Mom will have your back no matter what you choose to do. Does your Mom usually give good advice? Is she a good Mom that loves you and cares about your life? What does she say the problem is with you seeing this guy? It is so hard to stand back and watch your child being taken advantage of. I really believe parents have an insight into their children's lives. They usually want the best for them. Have you tried talking to your Mom? Have you tried listening to your Mom? Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!

[hansy]

its not soo much that she doesnt like my boyfriend its the fact she doesnt think im ready to be in a relationship,this might sound bad but iv been with quite a few guys (not proud of it, but i cant turn back time) my mum knows nothing about my life like that, as far as she knows im still a virgin !!
i never tell her nefin because i cant be doing with the hassle.
She did the same to my bro when he was my age and was in a relationship, but he has the patience to deal with it, unlike me !! x

[momagain59]

It sounds like your Mom really loves you. My Mom is now living in Heaven and I do not remember one time that she gave me advice that was not good for me. There were times when I found myself wishing I would've listened. She would get on my nerves so bad at times because I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Now, there are times when I wish I could call her and ask her for advice because I know that she would have my best interest at heart. Friends will usually tell you what you want to hear. Life can be so complicated.

[Agiesmom]

How many years have you known him?

Why are you taking a chance of getting pregnant (and even wondering why it hasn't yet happened) when you can't even tell him you love him?

[hansy]

can we stop with the pregnant issue, as i posted before on this ite somewhere, i stated my issue about having unprotected sex and not getting pregnent becacue i thought i would get some advice for me and a couple of other girls who have private messaged me on this topic, they saw how u reacted with me and didnt want the same, please just advice, no going on at me! - advice or please dont bother. thanku

[Agiesmom]

Fine, but it doesn't negate the fact that you are taking a risk with someone when you're afraid to even say you love him.

I'll ask my other question for the third time:  How many years have you known him?

[hansy]

i have known him years like 7 years something like that. our families are really good friends.

[Agiesmom]

Ok, the fact that he has known you since you were a pre-pubescent girl--a child--when he was already an adult is extremely weird to me.  When you were 11, he was a grown man--older than you are now.  And he's watched you grow up.  Watched you go through puberty and adolescence.  Can you imagine meeting a pre-pubescent boy right now, watching him grow up for 7 years and then start dating him?

If you grew up together and were the same age (or nearly the same age), that would be different, but he's known you as a child and when he met you when you were a child, he was an adult.  It's really weird.  And I know you won't be able to see that, but seriously...I'd be willing to bet that this is the main issue with your mother.  I know it would be for me.

Keep in mind that no matter how old-fashioned or conservative or overprotective your mother may seem, you will look back and realize the fact that no one cares about you the way she does and she has your best interests at heart.  She has no other agenda.  And she's very likely right about things.

All the best to you.

[hansy]

there is 8 years between me and him. there is 10 between mum and dad, if she gota problem with that she wana look abit closer to home.

[Agiesmom]

Wow--so your dad met your mom when he was 18 years old and she was 8 years old and he watched her grow up as a close family friend and when she was 18 and he was 28, they started having sex?  That's weird, too.

[Agiesmom]

cont.:  If, however, your dad met your mom after she went through puberty, that's not as weird.  The whole strange thing here is an adult meeting a young child, watching her grow up as a friend of the family, and then getting together with her.  The actual age difference is not what I'm pointing out as weird here.

[hansy]

oh well, i dont realy see your problem your trying to point out.

[slow_healer]

My mom married a man 14 years older than her. I think if she would have known better at the time, she would have chose differently. It didn't seem like a big deal when he was younger, but now she's stuck taking care of an aging man while she's in the physical prime of her life, wanting to travel and do things. hansy, your mom may have married older because, like my mom, she might not have had a lot of choice at the time. Why don't you try asking her about it? Why did she marry your dad? I asked my mom when I was your age, and I remember crying as she explained her decision to me.

hansy, Prince Charmings aren't real. You might really need one right now because you want to get away from home. But that doesn't make him any more real. If you really want to move away from home, talk to a girlfriend and work out a plan. Keep things simple instead of trying to live on your own (big step) and manage a relationship (another big step) at the same time. What do you have to lose this way? You can still see your boyfriend, but without putting the tremendous pressure of being 100% dependent on him (100% dependence NEVER helps a relationship, it only puts on strain). Besides, don't put all your eggs in one basket - we've all heard that before. If you live with a friend and you fight, then you could move out. If you live with a boyfriend and you fight, then you've got moving out plus all the money you've shared living together to separate. That kind of fighting can get very ugly.

I think the previous posters here have given you a lot of really good advice, some of which may be hard to hear. Take it with a grain of salt from those who have made mistakes - maybe their advice applies, maybe it doesn't. That doesn't mean you can't take some steps to protect yourself in case their advice is right, just in case. That's what a smart respectable woman does. Good luck!

[jo929]

I have raised 3 daughters, and they all respected me  and my decisions while they were living under my roof, also i sat, and talked with them, I was young once,, and i really thought i knew everything, and mom was behind times, but as long as i lived under her roof, i did as she said, If you dont respect her ideas, or wishes, and want to continue your relationship, then you must get ready to grow up and move into the world and support yourself, then make your own decisions,,remember it is her house, she pays the rent she buys the food, she pays the bills, this is your decision, but be ready to take care of these things yourself, as you make your own decisions I wish you luck as 18 is young to get really serious, you may miss out on a lot,  remember Mom does love you a lot and as a Mother, She is concerned about you,      luck jo

[hansy]

thankyou very much for your comments, some of the stuff said does make it harder!!

[sinster]

WOW looks like this post really attracted some strong advice.. my advice. is this. .. you are of a legal age to act as an adult. however how annoying at times moms can be im a mom myself 38yrs old and have two girls one a teen one on the way to becoming a teen and one on the way as i type lol. and a aunt and great aunt over 40times. no kidding lol been a aunt since the age of 9.. mostly all girls ) (small but brief history of my experience) and coming from a pretty old fashioned type upbringing. .. tho you are grown and need to make your own mind up at this stage. you must be gentle on how you handle this with your mom.  keep in mind tho you will do obviously as you want being an adult age... your mom may is just being a good mom. she cares. she probably dont want to think of her little girl in such a grown up relationship. if she is set in old fashioned way (from experience) she dont have to like it. but you must let her know she must accept that you are grown and going to live your life. and if you make mistakes. you will learn from them. no mom wants to see their child mess up. and want to automaticaly protect its mother instinct to do or want to do what they is best for their child. however... as i said you are 18 you are an adult. and its hard for moms to accept that alone let alone a older man with their daughter. so be patient. be tackful. be grown up and show her you respect what she thinks.. and in return i promise you if you handle this right she will eventually show you the respect you want as an adult making her own decisons wether they be right or wrong. she may rant and rave and even threaten get out its my house but no real mom wants that to happen to their daughter or son. it may take a while for the idea to sink in.  you know what i mean?.. sometimes especialy when angry you think jesus i want to leave and do what i want .. right? but do youreally want to go and leave that way? or if you do leave. go on good terms. explaining its time you went out and learned for yourself about lifes goods and mistakes. dont get pissed off. dont shout. just make it clear. firm but respectful.  and tell her you hope she will be there for you (as im sure she will be if she is as caring as she sounds) if you fall . well its not alot of real advice no big advice but i hope it helps a bit . and if you want to talk at all just drop me a line ok?

best wishes i hope all goes well.

sinster xx

[hansy]

omg sinster !! best advice ever, beats what they have all said above. thankyou. xxx

[Agiesmom]

How ironic that 99% of the replies (telling you to listen to your mother, don't get serious, don't move out, don't have unprotected sex, etc.) were dismissed because one person wrote what you wanted to hear.  An intelligent, mature adult would have carefully considered all the replies and would likely rethink things.

All the best to you.

[hansy]

i ahve taken in everything everyone has said thankyou. just always helps if people say it nicely !!!!