Help - Boyfriend thinks I'm not sexually attracted to him

[idk_confused]

Hi guys,

I admit that my sex life with my boyfriend is a bit lackluster. We are both in school and we don't end up having free time until very late at night, by the time we are free, I no longer have the energy to have sex.

I know that he doesn't like it, but we are very serious with each other and he's able to look past that. I've told him I am making an effort to change that and be more aware of our needs. However, he accues me of not being sexually attracted to him because I'm not aroused whenever I see him. He tells me that he is aroused whenever he sees me and probably expects me to do so in return.

I'm not sure how to respond to that; he's a great person, we have tons of fun together and we enjoy cuddling very much. Whenever we do have sex once in awhile, we have a great time. It is just that, for whatever reason (maybe birth control), I am not often in the mood for sex. But is it really necessary to be turned on 24/7 whenever I'm with him?

Thank you!

[Nighthawk61]

It sounds like you live with your boyfriend and you sleep together. I know when I was working and had a lot of stress, it was hard for me to take the time to relax, and that the morning was a better time for me, when I didn't have the stress of the day, and the worry of being able to go sleep on my mind. After a stressful day, and having sex, I would be left wide awake, and he would be snoring before his head hit the pillow. Good luck managing this.

[RockRose]

Well,  when I was on the pill I told my husband that no,  I'm never in the mood,  ever,  but I do this to please you and in fact,  once we get started I do get into it and I do enjoy it.

And all that was true.  And the fact that I did enjoy it once we started made him feel good about it.

[idk_confused]

Hi!

Thanks for the warm welcome and responses. I really appreciate it.

I am thinking that the birth control has to do with it. In addition, I'm rather small and he's not, so sex actually is uncomfortable for me at times. However, you are both right that it is important to protect myself against unwanted pregnancy, although at this point I am not really in the position to explore other birth control methods (time and money, inconvenience to find a clinic).

I will go talk to him about setting some time aside just for the two of us. I'll try to make it so that it doesn't sound like "I want us to last therefore I will have sex with you", even if that's the message, this sounds very negative.

I just don't know how to communicate with him about the whole sexually attracted thing. I told him that I mostly respond to touch in a private setting, I can't just be turned on when I see him in class.

Anyway, thanks for the help again, but I welcome any other advice/words if you have more.

[RockRose]

I totally agree with SM,  that you should stay on birth control.

But once you realize you have NO desire whatsoever,  and that it's not you it's the pills you take every day,  you can relax and deal with it.

I'm totally averse to washing the bathroom floor,  but I do it because I want a clean house.

You can be totally averse to having sex with your boyfriend but you do it because you want to remain in your relationship.  

Most importantly,  don't get pregnant.  

[specialmom]

But when you are in college, you absolutely should stay on  your birth control!!  I didn't have that experience myself.  I am more the type that when I'm putting my all into everything else on my plate, sometimes I'm drained for intimacy.  Sounds like this is what you describe.  I find making time for it gets me back in the swing of things -- consciously making time for it I mean.  good luck dear

[RockRose]

I think it's birth control.  I'm a very sexual person,  and when I was on the pill,  it made me not only uninterested in sex,  but actually averse to it.  

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  Well, in truth, we do often get a little busy in our lives and intimacy can fall on the back burner.  Making sure to occasionally have time set aside to really focus on our partner helps.  Maybe we are too tired for an every night go but a date night or time for just the two of you a couple of times a week will help to make him feel desired.

One of the obstacles some couples face though is if one partner is more sexually motivated than the other.  Finding sexual compatibility is as important as other areas of compatibility.  So, that is something for you to think about.  It's not a bad thing to have different desire levels in general--  but it is something to compromise on within a relationship.

So, carve out some special time for him and see if that helps.  good luck