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Help for a seperation
Hello all. My, was fiance, and I are seperated for four months. He left two weeks ago. The reason we are seperated is that I was diagnosed bipolar a year ago January and have been struggling with serious problems dealing with it. On top of that, I was still having PTSD problems from an abusive marriage. This man and I are the first serious thing I have had since my marriage ended 8 years ago. I am also co-dependent and have been in a 12 step group and doing remarkable. I also wrote my ex a letter to close that chapter in my life and my PTSD is vertually gone. I have made such strides with everything. However, I got deeply depressed after I graduated from college in December. I tried to commit suicide and he found me. I got taken to a wonderful mental hospital and I am now on the right medications, feeling so stable. I am really getting better. However, for him, he is traumatized by all of this and living with each other is not an option right now. I stayed in our apartment and he moved back to his hometown to stay with his parents so that he can see his therapist and he transferred his job there. He is having nothing to do with me, while I try to talk to him and share things. We were so close and planning a wedding before all of this happened. Now it is grim and my engagement ring sits in my jewlery box. I tried to tell him I missed him and loved him. He got upset and feels like I am attacking him and needs space, nothing more. He told me to bug off and will not talk to me at all now. I am in this apartment and miserable. I go see friends, I start a job tomorrow, and I have friends over. But when I am alone I am reminded of everything. I am sleeping in our bed alone where we would make love, hold each other and curl up together to sleep. I eat my meals alone and I love too cook, but I am not cooking for him. I feel empty inside and I feel like vice grips are around my heart. How does a woman deal with a seperation from the man she loves, while staying in their home? I need support right now. He will not give it to me and that hurts so very deeply. Please help me to figure out a way to make it four months w/o him. Thank you.
Thanks! Yeah, I am feeling better. I chose that name back in high school when I was into new age stuff then. I came up with it before I knew what it meant. You are the first person to figure it out! I just wrote it down one day as Crystlas and well, it became a part of me. I have been through so much and I always come out stronger!
Chrystlas - you sound great right now. When you look back to your first post, you sounded so insecure, and now you are getting strong.
I was really impressed with the board name you chose and you chose the right one! Spread your wings and fly, girl!
I was really impressed with the board name you chose and you chose the right one! Spread your wings and fly, girl!
Thanks! I am working towards that goal. I am not dependent on him in the first place. He was just never that strong of a supporter. He did save my life though, and I will always be grateful. I wrote him a farawell letter and that is stated in it. I am just kicking back and waiting for him to make his move. I am too busy doing some fun stuff around here right now too!
I could be your daughter! Yep, he is pulling the same garbage, but I will not deal with it. I told him to leave me be after talking to him Friday when he said "I just can not be with someone like you, I can not handle your illness, but I have three months to make sure. Now he is calling daily, will not leave a message or email, just hangs up. When he leaves a message, then I will know my next move. I think I am gonna boot him out of my life and work on me, then try to find someone that can be with a bipolar person. Joel would have to really get himself together in order for this to work anyhow! I love me more than putting up with his hurtfulness. Your daughter needs to realize that for her situation too!
Honestly, I think it's good that he can see that he can't handle it. Better now than after you are married and have a baby, don't you think?
And his therapist is correct--it probably is not healthy for him to be your lifeline and savior. And you should not be dependent on someone anyway--that's really not healthy for you either.
I agree with the others--I would move on. Very nicely tell him that you love him and wish him the best, but you are moving on. And then focus on getting yourself better. I think that not having to wonder about him and what he will or won't do will enable you to do that.
All the best to you.
And his therapist is correct--it probably is not healthy for him to be your lifeline and savior. And you should not be dependent on someone anyway--that's really not healthy for you either.
I agree with the others--I would move on. Very nicely tell him that you love him and wish him the best, but you are moving on. And then focus on getting yourself better. I think that not having to wonder about him and what he will or won't do will enable you to do that.
All the best to you.
Oh my....you could almost be my daughter. She isn't BP but started having problems (seems to have been Lymes related) with anxiety and depression over a year ago and her very special BF (seemed like it was the "real" thing) left her even though she was doing everything she could to get help. She ended up shortly after the break up in the ER with thoughts of suicide but like you she really just wanted the pain and depression to stop.
It's been four months since their break up and I don't really know what to think. He also went through needing his space and don't talk to me phases. Then it was the I love you but don't think this will work etc. Now they are supposed to be sort of back together but he's rationing his time, will only see her once or twice a week for a few hours instead of 24-7 like it used to be. They are friendly and pleasant but she feels like he's afraid to admit to his friend and family that he sees her. Anyway.....it's not the same relationship it used to be and doesn't seem to be what she wants ritght now and doesn' t know if it ever will be again. She doesn't know if she can ask for more without driving him away or if she is patient that things will continue to improve. Things are as clear as mud and not really helping her situation. She's struggling to stay in college and work during all this and it is a struggle.
I think you may see where I'm going with this.....it can drag on for a very long time and what you need to decide is if that is going to be good for you and what you want and need. No one is going to be able to tell you if waiting will get you the result you think you want but you will need to be strong enough to go on with or without him so do whatever you can to make yourself independent. I tell my daughter the same thing but it's hard to do I know.
I'm so sorry......having someone you love leave at a time you need them most is very sad. Can they mature and do better in the future? Do you need not to need them so much? I sure don't know, boy life is tough isn't it?
It's been four months since their break up and I don't really know what to think. He also went through needing his space and don't talk to me phases. Then it was the I love you but don't think this will work etc. Now they are supposed to be sort of back together but he's rationing his time, will only see her once or twice a week for a few hours instead of 24-7 like it used to be. They are friendly and pleasant but she feels like he's afraid to admit to his friend and family that he sees her. Anyway.....it's not the same relationship it used to be and doesn't seem to be what she wants ritght now and doesn' t know if it ever will be again. She doesn't know if she can ask for more without driving him away or if she is patient that things will continue to improve. Things are as clear as mud and not really helping her situation. She's struggling to stay in college and work during all this and it is a struggle.
I think you may see where I'm going with this.....it can drag on for a very long time and what you need to decide is if that is going to be good for you and what you want and need. No one is going to be able to tell you if waiting will get you the result you think you want but you will need to be strong enough to go on with or without him so do whatever you can to make yourself independent. I tell my daughter the same thing but it's hard to do I know.
I'm so sorry......having someone you love leave at a time you need them most is very sad. Can they mature and do better in the future? Do you need not to need them so much? I sure don't know, boy life is tough isn't it?
Both of you said things that hit home. I appriciate all you have shared to assist me, as well as, everyone in this thread. I had a really hard day yesterday, but today, I am doing ok, not great, but ok. He called, I did not answer the phone. I am not going to speak with him until he leaves a voice mail or an email telling me what he wants. I put all of the rest of his stuff in my back room, that was his studio. It is now a storage area and a place for my cats to play. It is all back there so I do not have to look at it. I also came to the conclusion that if he does not believe in me and trust that I am on the right path with everything, he can kiss off. I am done. It is not worth having to fight for someone that really acts as though they do not want to be there. It is a waste of time. I do love him deeply, but that has to be returned in order for the relationship to work. I know his purpose in being in my life for a short period of time, it was to save me. If I had been living alone that day, I would not be here right now. Luckly, he took the necessary steps to prevent that. I will always be grateful for that. I also wrote him a letter, saying everything I needed to say. I have not given it to him yet, and won't until he is communicating with me on a civil level. The letter included basically what I just wrote, along with who I do deserve in my life. A man that is dedicated and understanding about bipolar disorder. If Joel does not decide he is that person, then why try to keep him? I can not, due to the fact that I need someone that will be with me through thick and thin, not running for the hills when times get tough. So, ladies, I am just ok with it all. I know I will sleep better tonight, I slept very disturingly last night. However, I tend to bounce back pretty quickly. I really have no choice or this disorder will consume me, and I do not want that to happen. I know I am not done greiving over this and I know I have more tears to shed. I do love me and if a man can not love me like I love me, then he can go elsewhere. Joel would have to really prove himself right now for me to consider letting him near me. The things I stated for a good relationship are the things I can offer to a relationship and I believe in it being team worked, not one sided and quite frankly the man has exhausted me!! Thank you so very much for being here.
I feel as though it would probably be best to put everything else aside and focus on YOU. Your post says you have quite a bit of issues you are trying to focus on. And while you say you're doing better, I would give it time. It is SOO difficult...I completely understand. But in order to be strong in our relationships, that and in order to have LASTING relationships, we need to be able to be emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually stable. Right now...it's all about YOU...try to re define the foundation on which you stand. What is it that makes you happy......??? Besides him....? maybe a vacation with a group of girls?? A yoga class?? Maybe even get on match.com just to "see what's out there." I'm just saying....there's a whole lot of living to do out there....and it doesn't always require a man to help us do it....I'm praying for you....all the best...
Break-ups aren't easy for anyone. It's normal to feel so hurt your body aches. It's normal to be scared and not sleep and not eat and not be able to concentrate. That will happen for a while. Then one day, you will wake up and feel ok and suddenly you'll know that life will really be ok for you again. No one knows when that day will happen for you but it will happen. I really wish you well, it sounds like you have been through a lot but you have also overcome so much in your life already. That is something you really should be proud of yourself for doing. You got out of an abusive marriage, struggled with illness and yet managed to graduate college. I see a lot of hope in you and what you can do with your future. Hang in there and know that if you just want to vent, you have this forum or the local crisis center, whatever works for you. A lot of people are pulling for you. Take care, Andrea
He tells me today that he is probably leaving. He said he has 3 months to really decide. I am giving it an 80% at this time that he will. I have been so upset all day long. He said that he just can not deal with someone that is bipolar. He said he has this image of me that is different and that he changed through this. He also said that his therapist told him that I am unhealthy for his life. He said he only loves me as a friend now. I am angry guys. I am hurt and need to figure out how to get rid of this achy feeling inside. My heart hurts too, literally hurts. I did cook myself a nice dinner and I am going to watch something silly on tv while quilting. I am trying to be ok, I have cried so much. I was trying to quilt a patch and ended up sewing it backwards. That threw me into another fit of tears. Here is something I am very talented at and I messed that up. I ended up calling my local crisis line to talk to a counselor. My emotions are all over the place. I am so scared that I will get deeply depressed again, I am feeling depressed now. I do not want to have another attempt. This situation is scary for me. Sorry if I sound like I am all over the place, but I am un-nerved and unsettled right now. I feel so very fortunate that you folks are in my life. It really helps me.
Thank you for sharing your experience about your loved ones having tried to commit. I guess the more and more I gain advice from all of you, as well as, with my therapist and family members, it might just sink in. Everyone is saying the same kinds of things to me. It makes it easier to believe. I am just so scared of losing him. I am very strong willed and determined to stay stable and be the very best social worker I can. I love myself no matter what. With my attempt, it was more like me just wanting that deep, ucky, horrible pain and depression to just go away. I wanted to just go to sleep. Now that I am getting stable I feel like myself again and I am enjoying that. It is so hard to just give him space. He told me quite clearly today to leave him alone until further notice. That hurts. We spent every waking moment with each other before this happened. We are? or were? best friends. I just do not know anymore. I have no choice but to leave him alone and let him go to his therapy sessions and hopefully work through this. I feel this crushing sensation around my heart and I long to just hold him. Imagine having to be away from your husband, with no contact, until he decides to talk to you. This is going to be a hard 4 months. I am sad and feel achy inside. I hope it gets easier. If I could talk to him and share our days with each other I would be ok. It is hard to trust the situation. I hope I did not damage our union for good. Thank you for sharing.
My dad tried to kill himself almost a year ago. He is so lucky to be alive right now. He doesn't have bipolar but has experienced exrtreme depression since the divorce with my step mom. To see what he was going thru and to see that he thought that there was no reason to live, it was very hard on all my brothers and sisters. We where so worried about him, but also very angry that he put us throught that. I am also very familar with bipolar, my mom has had it for 33 years, I have witnessed on numerous occasions of her try to commit suicide. ( this is when I was a child) Not only do you need to come to terms of your illness, but so does he. I am so glad to here that you are on some good meds, It took my mom 25 years to find the right one and she lost so much. My mom could not take care of us, so we lived with my dad.
Give him his space. Let him work it out. It sounds like he cares, he is going to therapy, right? My dad left my mom 34 years ago because she had a nervous brake down, You don't want that to happen to you. It sounds like you are on the right road to recovery, keep up the good work. Now let him work on himself. Good luck!
Give him his space. Let him work it out. It sounds like he cares, he is going to therapy, right? My dad left my mom 34 years ago because she had a nervous brake down, You don't want that to happen to you. It sounds like you are on the right road to recovery, keep up the good work. Now let him work on himself. Good luck!
You hit the nail on the head. He came over to get the rest of his stuff today. I asked him if he felt responsible for what happened and he answered with a strong Yes. He said he needs to be left alone to sort everything out. This is difficult. I am afraid to trust the situation and not contact him. I am going to hate having to leave him alone. I created a way of dealing with it. I am going write in a journal dedicated to him, whenever I feel like I want to talk to him or share something. Then, if he comes home I will give it to him as a gift. That way, I will not feel like I have not been "talking" to him throughout this seperation. He said he will call me when he is ready to talk. I was strong while he was here and cried when he left.
Thank you. That makes me sad, but I can understand what you mean. I am afraid that is what he feels deep inside. I made a life contract for him and family so that they know my triggers and I can call them if I get that depressed again. I do love where I live and it would be great for graduate school since I am literally across the street from the campus. I also can not afford to move at this time. Maybe when I get my new job and have the money. I do hope he comes back. The re-arranging I did does help some. He had his first therapy session today and I wonder how it went. Thanks.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I have no choice but to kick back and see what happens. I have been through worse, so I know I will deal if I have to. I have tried and tried to get him to be receptive, but he chooses not to. So, I guess I just have to be patient. That is hard, I have no patience!
My heart is with you. I wish you the best and maybe what life has to offer you is something you have yet to see and soon it will all become apparant. Life is a journey full of twists and turns. We never know whats around the corner.
Yeah, I agree with you. But he claims that it traumatized him to the point that when he shuts his eyes he sees it happening over and over again. We had a beautiful bond before I got sick. He said he can handle the illness, but is fearful that I will try again. I try to assure him I am on the right medication, but he is caught up in his own world. If he decides to end it, I know I will have to deal. It is hard and I hurt, but I know I can not force him to be with me if he is not dedicated to me. I decided to cut ties and let him come to me last night. I want to express myself to him, but he is not on the receiving end. I decided to dedicate a journal to him and write my thoughts, of what I want to share, in the journal instead of contacting him. If he comes back I will give it to him to read. He is a bit younger than I and has never been through anything tragic. I have and can handle dealing with things much quicker. I do think he needs to mature through this so that we can be good together. Waiting sucks though!
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!
Ok, your turn! Thank you. I know I have to prepare myself. I feel deep down that he might decide for us to part for good. He cried hard before he left and stated that he can not imagine life without me. I have hope in some areas, but in others I think it is over. I am so unsure and I guess that is why I am grasping at straws. I guess time will tell.
No, I am not a compulsive gambler, yuck. I am actually excellent with my money. Luckly, when I am manic, I get very OCD and clean instead. I do have impulse buys, but it is usually within my budget. I went over a few hundred once, but that is not that bad comparied to most. I am classic BP. I have type I and I am a rapid cycler with mixed state. I have suffered for over 5 years with the classic symptoms on both ends. I had smaller manic spells for a very long time and when it got bad enough, a year ago this January, I went for an evaluation since I was already diagnosed with depression. I knew something was terribly wrong. I had most of the manic symptoms aside from compulsive spending. I was raised to be responsible with money from day one, so I think that is what helps me. Now that I am on the right meds I am not having any swings, it is wonderful. I never thought of him feeling responsible for that day, thanks for that insite, it makes sense.
He did indicate this is temporary. He is just odd on how he approaches it. He wants solitude and I am trying to figure out how we can be this happy couple. He tells me he loves me, but is afraid to feel right now. He is getting therapy to hopefully work though this. I was depressed at graduation because I was chemically way off balance. This was just a few weeks before I tried to commit suicide. I felt horrible all around, in every aspect. Ok, next one.... :)
I will answer yours first and move down the list. I re-did the bedroom the day he left. Took me 8 hours and it is beautiful. Does not look at all like the same room. I have been pampering myself like crazy. I have been eating asparagus, because it is his least favorite veggie. I have been eating my favorite foods! LOL... you like know me! Everything you said I have been doing. Ok next post.....
Goodness you sure have been through alot. Well if this is how he treats you now just because he cannot handle it well then maybe he is not for you at all. I just want to shake that man and tell him you cannot run away from someone you love just cause you can't handle it! Its an illness for goodness sake. What about in sickness and in health. Apparently he meant only in health. My husband went through severe depression where he mentioned suicide all the time. He would cry at the drop of a hat. Yeah it was tough and it was hard but we made it through cause we loved each other. Sounds like you had a great relationship as long as it was easy, when it got tough he ran. Better to find out now then when your married. Find someone else who will not run when things get hard. If he comes to you wanting you back you need to think if that is what you want. In the meantime take care of you and go out meet others. I am sorry for all you have been through. A broken heart is hard to heal but it will in time.
hi, I wish u luck, I fink he ask for separation , b/c he can't handle it. He is not strong enough. You should star finking about yourself, I know it is hard. But when u will get over it it will be easier. 4 months is a lot of time and everything can change, he moved to difrent town, got new job, it is possible that he will never come back, sorry but u have to be ready for that. the important fink for u know is to not stay alone. U love to cook, than invite some friends over and cook for them. be around people try to plan everyminut of a day so u will not have a time to fink about him. Good luck and remember if u need to talk there are people here.
Try to give him the space that he is asking for. I can not imagine what it must have been like for him to find you during your suicide attempt. He was possibly thinking that maybe it was partially his fault for what you were doing to yourself.
Can I ask you how long it took for your doctor to diagnose you Bipolar. I know of 3 people off the top of my head that were diagnosed Bipolar, and truly none of them turned out to be Bipolar. Are you a compulsive gambler? What are the symptoms that they used to diagnose you with a disabling disease?
Can I ask you how long it took for your doctor to diagnose you Bipolar. I know of 3 people off the top of my head that were diagnosed Bipolar, and truly none of them turned out to be Bipolar. Are you a compulsive gambler? What are the symptoms that they used to diagnose you with a disabling disease?
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